Episode #3
Tiffany Reloaded
By Steve Cross
FADE IN
INTERIOR. DAY. QUINN’S BEDROOM. (The phone rings and Quinn answers.)
QUINN: Hello?
SFX: SCREEN SPLITS. (Right side is Quinn, on the phone in her bedroom. Left side is Sandi, in her bedroom, doing the same.)
SANDI: Quinn, did you watch Sick Sad World last night?
QUINN (concerned): Yeah, I was just about to call you. I’m concerned about Tiffany!
SANDI (alarmed): Quinn, that Thinno-Pepsin stuff is addictive. Tiffany’s a drug addict!
QUINN: Yeah, and it also makes you all forgetful, with that low attention span stuff. Poor Tiffany!
SANDI: We can’t afford to be seen hanging out with a drug addict! We’ve got to save our reputations.
QUINN (surprised at Sandi’s selfishness): Sandi, we’ve got to help Tiffany get off that diet pill!
SANDI (recovers quickly): Of course. That’s exactly my point. Got any ideas?
QUINN: We could do an intervention.
SANDI: What? Quinn, an intervention is when the government invades a country.
QUINN (patient): Sandi, when a bunch of friends get together and go over to the house of the person who’s got a drug problem, and tell her she’s got a problem and they’re there to help her, that’s also called an intervention. I saw one on TV.
SANDI: Oh. Do you think the three of us can do that?
QUINN: Sure. After all, we’re her three best friends. If she can’t trust us, who can she trust?
SANDI: Fine. We need an excuse to be over at Tiffany’s.
QUINN: That’s easy. We’ll tell her we’re coming over to try on the outfits we bought yesterday.
SANDI: She’ll buy that. After all, Fashion Club---
QUINN (interrupts): Sandi!
SANDI: Oh, yeah, right. Our little circle of friends hasn’t convened over at her house for a while.
QUINN: I’ll call you back after I’ve talked to Stacy. When she’s on board, we’ll finalize our plans.
SANDI: Cool. I’ll be by the phone. Good-bye for now, co-conspirator.
QUINN: Good-bye.
INTERIOR. DAY. Stacy’S BEDROOM. (Stacy picks up the phone.)
STACY: Hello? Oh, hi Quinn.
(SFX. SCREEN SPLITS. Stacy’s bedroom on the left. Quinn’s bedroom on the right, with Quinn on the phone.)
QUINN: Stacy, I’m very concerned about Tiffany. Are you sitting down?
(Stacy sits on the side of her bed.)
STACY: I’m sitting now. What’s up? (panicky) She’s not pregnant, is she?
QUINN (patient): No, Stacy. Just be calm.
STACY (still very anxious): She’s not, like, a Lesbian or a stripper or a porn star, is she?
QUINN: No. Stacy, will ya just chill out for a minute? Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
(Stacy inhales deep, then lets it out a little bit at a time.)
STACY: Okay, what's up with Tiffany? (panicky again) She's not on drugs, is she?
QUINN: Yes, but - - -
STACY (screaming): Oh, my God! Poor Tiffany! (Stacy begins to cry.)
QUINN: Stacy, Stacy, Tiffany's not dead. Will you listen to me for a minute?
STACY (sobbing): Okay, Quinn. I'm listening. What drug is she doing?
QUINN: She's hooked on that diet pill, Thinno-Pepsin.
STACY (surprised, and no longer crying): You mean the pill that always has a full-page ad in Waif?
QUINN: That's the one. It was on Sick Sad World last night. Thinno-Pepsin is addictive. If you stop taking it, you have withdrawal symptoms. You know, like cold sweats and shaking hands and stuff.
STACY: Ew! That’s awful.
QUINN: It also affects your memory. You can't concentrate. It makes you talk real slow.
(Stacy reaches for a tissue and wipes her eyes.)
STACY: That sounds like Tiffany. (thoughtful) You know, she wasn’t that way in Middle School. Is there anything we can do?
QUINN: We can do an intervention, like I saw on TV once. We'll all go over to Tiffany's, get her in her bedroom, shut the door, and tell her what's wrong with Thinno-Pepsin. Then we'll make her give us her pills and we'll throw them down the toilet.
STACY: Then what?
QUINN: I dunno. I didn't finish watching that show, 'cause my date came to pick me up.
STACY: Wouldn't you, like, put her in one of those twelve-step things, like Alcoholics Anonymous?
QUINN (impatient): Sta-cee, we're talking about Thinno-Pepsin, not booze.
STACY: I know, I know. I'm just saying, they have 12-steps for all kinds of things. There's AA, there's one for adults who were raised by alcoholics when they were kids, there's Narcotics Anonymous, there's Emotions Anonymous, and there's, like, lots of them. My Mom gave me some pamphlets about them last summer. Remember when Sandi dared us all to have a beer at Jodie’s graduation party?
QUINN (rolls her eyes, and groans): How can I forget? I was grounded for a month. And it was summer, too. (V.O.) I should have known better. In fact, I did know better, after watching Lindy fall apart like she did.
STACY: Now, all we need is for somebody to call Tiffany and make sure it’s cool for us to come over.
QUINN: I’ll do that. We’ll tell her we’re coming over to try out the outfits we bought yesterday.
STACY: That’s a good plan. I'll bring the AA pamphlets too. Call me when you're ready. 'Bye.
QUINN: Good-bye, Stacy. You’ll hear from me soon.
(SFX: END OF SPLIT SCREEN. QUINN'S BEDROOM DISAPPEARS.)
STACY: Poor Tiffany! This is all my fault. She wouldn't be strung out on Thinno-Pepsin if it wasn't for me! (She begins to cry again.)
INTERIOR. MAGAZINE RACK AT A LAWNDALE DRUGSTORE.
SUPER: STACY’S FLASHBACK.
(Enter Tiffany and Stacy from stage right, with Stacy in the lead. Stacy looks like and is dressed like she was in the first season of the Daria show. Tiffany is wearing a blue minidress similar to the one she wore during the first season, except it’s a larger size, because Tiffany, though only 13, is 25 pounds heavier than the Tiffany we know from the Daria show. She also doesn’t speak the same. Her voice has the same low, sultry quality, but she talks a little bit faster than the Tiffany of the “Daria” show. There is also more variation in tone and pitch in her voice, indicating a more active mind.)
TIFFANY (worried and anxious): Then suddenly I looked myself in the mirror and said, “Tiffany, you’re fat.” I’m worried about high school, Stacy. I won’t be popular. Guys won’t ask me out because I’m fat.
STACY: It’s good to lose weight, Tiffany. It’ll make you popular. Even more popular, I mean, ‘cause you’re kind of popular now.
TIFFANY: Only “kind of” popular? Stacy, that’s not good enough for me. I was thin when we were in grade school. I can be thin again. You’ve been my best friend since we were, like, eight. Won't you please help me?
(Stacy pauses in front of the magazines. Tiffany stops with her.)
STACY: I have an idea, Tiffany. Why don’t you start reading Waif? (Stacy pulls a copy of Waif out of the rack and hands it to Tiffany. Tiffany opens it and starts flipping through the pages.) There’s lots of stuff in there about how to stay thin, and about hair and makeup and clothes and accessories and colors and all kinds of cool stuff that girls need to know if they’re gonna get the cute boys to notice them.
TIFFANY (stops turning the pages): Hey, here’s something. (pronounces the unfamiliar name slowly) Thin-no-Pep-sin. Girls all over the world use it to keep from soaking up all that fat. That’s cool! I won’t have to exercise and get all sweaty.
STACY: Well, yeah, Thinno-Pepsin is an alternative, if that’s what you wanna try. Tell you what. (She takes the magazine from Tiffany.) I’ll buy this for you.
TIFFANY: My first issue of Waif! Stacy, thanks. You’re such a good friend.
(INTERIOR. DAY. MORGENDORFFER FAMILY’S LIVING ROOM. Quinn and Stacy are sitting on the sofa. Stacy is crying on Quinn’s shoulder. Quinn is trying to console Stacy, while Sandi is pacing the floor impatiently.)
STACY (still weeping): Tiffany lost a lot of weight that summer. A ton of weight. Well, not exactly a ton, ‘cause that would mean 2,000 pounds, and nobody gets that fat. But you both remember how skinny she was in ninth grade. Thinno-Pepsin did that for her. And now I find out it’s a dangerous drug. Tiffany’s a drug addict, and it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t bought her that copy of Waif. It’s all my fault! (Stacy bawls.)
QUINN: Stacy, Stacy, it’s not your fault what Tiffany did. It was a good thing you gave her that copy of “Waif.” The rest of it is her mistake. And we’re going to help her. And you’re going to help us help her.
(Sandi stops pacing and points to her watch.)
SANDI: We need to get a move on. It’s a quarter to three. Tiffany’s expecting us at three.
(Stacy raises her head from Quinn’s shoulder and wipes her eyes with a tissue.)
STACY: I’m okay now. Let’s get started. Tiffany needs our help.
QUINN: Now remember, guys. When I clear my throat twice, like this---ahem, ahem---that’s when we make our move.
SANDI: Check.
STACY: Gotcha.
(INTERIOR. DAY. TIFFANY’S BEDROOM. Quinn, Sandi, and Stacy are wearing outfits they bought at the outlet mall in last week’s episode. Tiffany’s mother, FRAN BLUM-DECKLER, can be briefly seen through the bedroom door, vacuuming the carpeting on the floor of the hallway. She moves past Tiffany’s bedroom door and disappears from sight. There is ANOTHER DOORWAY IN TIFFANY’S BEDROOM LEADING TO A PRIVATE BATHROOM. Like Quinn, Tiffany got the pick of the bedrooms in her house. Tiffany is wearing her the familiar light green mini-dress with blue sleeves that we saw in the fifth season of "Daria." She is standing beside her bed, looking at THREE DIFFERENT PURSES sitting on her bed.)
TIFFANY: Time to move on to accessories. (Picks up one of the purses.) Which one of these goes best with my usual outfit? (Suddenly, the ALARM CLOCK beside Tiffany’s bed goes off.)
SANDI: Tiffany, dear, why do you have your alarm set for 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon?
TIFFANY: To remind me to take my pill.
STACY: That wouldn’t be that, like, Thinno-Pepsin stuff, would it?
TIFFANY: Yeah, Thinno-Pepsin. It keeps me thin. (She goes to the purse she usually carries, which is also sitting on the bed, opens it, and brings out the THINNO-PEPSIN PILL BOTTLE.) I guess that’s why they call it Thinno-Pepsin.
QUINN (clearing throat): Ahem, ahem!
(Moving quickly, Stacy closes the bedroom door. Quinn and Sandi both rapidly step over to Tiffany. Quinn reaches her first, and snatches away the pill bottle.)
TIFFANY: Quinn, why did you do that?
QUINN: Tiffany, we don’t want you taking these any more.
SANDI: Tiffany dear, it’s for you own good.
TIFFANY: What are you guys talking about? I don't want to get fat. Stacey, you remember what I looked like before Thinno-Pepsin.
STACEY: Yes, Tiffany, but there are better ways to stay thin.
TIFFANY: Then why did you tell me to take these pills?
STACEY (anxious, speaking faster): I didn't! I just gave you the magazine.
QUINN: Tiffany, Thinno-Pepsin's bad for you. It causes memory loss, messes with your speech pattern.
SANDI: And it's addictive, Tiffany.
STACEY: We saw it on Sick Sad World.
SANDI: Yeah, they wouldn't say that on TV if it wasn't true.
(Quinn quickly moves into the bathroom, out of sight, but we hear A TOILET FLUSHING. Tiffany gasps.)
TIFFANY (angry): Quinn, what the Hell do you think you're doing? You threw away my pills. This is the crummiest that's ever been done to me. And the stupidest. I watched that Sick Sad World a few times. Lipo for Leo? Diary of a mad steak knife? (shouts) How can you do this? How can you guys make me get fat? (pointing at them) Get out! Get out of my house, all three of you!
SANDI: Tiffany, dear, you need to face the fact you have a drug problem.
QUINN: Thinno-Pepsin is a drug.
(Tiffany's hand is still pointing at them. Now it starts to shake. Beads of sweat appear on Tiffany's forehead.)
STACY: Oh, my God, Tiffany. Your hands are shaking.
TIFFANY (shouts even louder): Listen, you stupid bitches! I am not a drug addict!
(Suddenly the door opens and Fran Blum-Deckler comes bursting in, a look of alarm on her face.)
FRAN: Who's on drugs?
TIFFANY (still almost shouting): Mommy, make them leave! They threw away my pills! FRAN: What pills?
QUINN: Thinno-Pepsin, Ms. Blum-Deckler. It's a diet pill that's also an addictive drug. We're trying to help Tiffany get off them.
FRAN (alarmed): Thinno-Pepsin! G-valt! Oprah did a special on them. (to Tiffany) Is this true, honey?
TIFFANY: Nothing's wrong with me, Mom. (Her hands are shaking worse.) But will you please turn down the air conditioning? I'm freezing in here.
FRAN: Come here, honey. (Fran hugs Tiffany and feels her forehead.) Tiffany, if you're freezing cold, why are you sweating?
TIFFANY: I don't know, Mommy. I'm feeling SO sick right now. Please help me.
QUINN: Where's the phone?
(Stacy finds Tiffany's cell phone and starts dialing. We hear THREE TELEPHONE TONES.)
STACY (to Fran): Ms. Blum-Deckler, I'm calling 9-1-1. Tiffany belongs in the hospital.
(Fran is holding Tiffany even tighter.)
FRAN: Good idea, Stacy. (to Quinn) Thank you, too, Sandi.
QUINN: I'm Quinn. (points) That's Sandi.
FRAN: Sorry, Quinn. Thank you. (to Sandi) Thank you too, Sandi.
STACY (into phone): Hello? Lawndale EMT? You gotta send an ambulance right away. I got a friend here who’s going through withdrawal symptoms.
TIFFANY: Mommy, I'm such a loser. (starts to cry) Look at me! I'm a total mess. I'm a drug addict. You must hate me.
FRAN: No, I don't hate you, Tiffany. I love you. I don’t think you're a loser. You're gonna lick this thing, with my help.
QUINN: And my help.
SANDI: Mine too.
STACY (into phone): She’s trying to stop taking an over-the-counter medication called Thinno-Pepsin. Ever heard of it? (two beats) We can discuss Oprah some other time. You gotta send an ambulance. (Two beats. Stacey starts to cry.) 3547 Disher Street.
FRAN (to Stacey): Thirty-FOUR forty-seven Disher Street.
STACY (sobbing, as she talks into the phone): I’m sorry. Thirty-FOUR forty-seven Disher Street. (two beats) I said Disher Street. D-I-S-H-E-R. (three beats) Thank you, please hurry. (Stacy hangs up the phone, throws herself face-down onto Tiffany’s bed---knocking two of the three purses to the floor as she does---and bawls. She shouts to no one in particular.) This is all my fault. I gave Tiffany her first copy of Waif. She’s dying! I’m a murderer!
(Quinn and Sandi come over to the bed to comfort her. Quinn raises Stacey up to a sitting position. Sandi takes a tissue and wipes Stacey’s face.)
QUINN: Stacy, we've already been through that. None of this is your fault.
SANDI: And don't blame Waif magazine. That's like blaming the Bible.
TIFFANY (to Fran): I miss Daddy.
FRAN: Honey, your father is in Geneva doing research. I'll phone him right after the ambulance gets here and tell him the whole story. (She kisses Tiffany on the forehead.) We're gonna lick this thing together. I’m here to help.
TIFFANY: I'm gonna hurl. (Fran pulls Tiffany to her feet and hustles her into the bathroom, out of sight. Vomiting noises are heard. Meanwhile, Quinn, Sandi, and Stacy---still beside Tiffany’s bed---form a group hug.)
QUINN: Guys, we did a good thing for Tiffany today.
STACY: Yeah, but from now on, it's up to her.
SANDI: She'd do the same for us. I know she would.
EXTERIOR. DAY. AFTERNOON. FRONT YARD AND DRIVEWAY OF THE BLUM-DECKLER HOUSE. (An ambulance has arrived. Tiffany is being loaded onto a gurney by two paramedic’s assistants, under the supervision of a male Paramedic with Latino facial features. Fran, Quinn, Stacy, and Sandi look on with great concern.)
TIFFANY (weakly): Mom-mee! Please don’t leave me.
(They load Tiffany into the ambulance.)
FRAN (to Paramedic): Please let me ride with her. I’m her mother!
PARAMEDIC (slight Spanish accent): She’s in good hands, Ma’am.
FRAN (grasping both the Paramedic’s hands): Please, you’ve got to let me come. Please! She’s my only daughter. She needs me.
QUINN (to Paramedic): It would be good for the patient’s morale.
(The paramedic casts an annoying glance at Quinn. He does not need her telling him his business. Then he looks back at Fran, whose face looks anxious to the brink of hysteria.)
PARAMEDIC: You can come, Ma’am. Just follow me. (The paramedic and Fran start getting into the ambulance. Before entering, Fran glances back at Tiffany’s three friends.)
FRAN: Girls, thank so much for what you did. Just get your things and pull the door to.
QUINN: Okay, Mrs. Blum-Deckler, we will.
(The doors of the ambulance close. Quinn and Stacy wave and Sandi crosses herself, as they watch the vehicle pull out of the driveway and speed off down the street, its siren wailing.)
(INTERIOR. NIGHT. TIFFANY’S HOSPITAL ROOM. Tiffany is sleeping in her hospital bed, but not easily. She tosses and shakes, and talks to herself, as if in a very intense dream.)
TIFFANY (faintly): No, no, they can’t bury me now. I’m not dead. Stacy, Quinn, Sandi! Dig faster! Dig faster. Quinn, open the coffin! Quinn, open the coffin! Open the coffin, Quinn. (shouts) QUINN! (She sits bolt upright in bed, still shaking, her breath coming in short gasps. She forces herself to take a deep breath, and this calms her down a little.)
TIFFANY (aloud, to herself): Hospital. I’m in the hospital. Oh, yeah, I’m sick. (She lets herself fall on the bed.) What a nightmare! What a terrible dream. Oh, my God. (three beats) God? (She glances at the ceiling.) Hello, God, this is Tiffany Blum-Deckler in Lawndale. I know we don’t talk much, but I’m really scared right now. SO scared. Please help me.
(INTERIOR. NIGHT. QUINN’S BEDROOM. Quinn is on the phone.)
QUINN: Sandi? (one beat) Hi, I just talked to Tiffany’s mom. (two beats) Yeah, I was pretty scared too, but her Mom said the doctor told her a couple days of bed-rest and a sedative will be enough to get her through this thing. (two beats) Yeah, and they also gave Ms. Blum-Deckler a tranquilizer and let her go home. (two beats) I know. Tiffany's popularity’s gonna take a major hit for this. You know what they’ll call her at school---Burnout Chick Tiffany. (three beats) Absolutely! We’ll be there for her. We just need to hook her up with some guy who’s popular. (Quinn listens for two beats, then vigorously shakes her head.) No, Sandi, not Serge. That boy is mine. (grins) Yeah, I know you were kidding.
(INTERIOR. DAY. TIFFANY’S HOSPITAL ROOM.)
SUPER: MONDAY MORNING
(Tiffany is lying in bed, looking tired and sickly. A NURSE is carrying away Tiffany’s breakfast tray, when TIFFANY’S COUSIN JULIA DECKLER enters. Julia is about the same height as Fran, who is her aunt. She is twenty-nine years old, slender, with short brown hair and large ear-rings. She has delicate facial features and a nice smile. She is her paramedic’s uniform, because she has just come off duty. She carries herself in a confident tomboyish way.)
JULIA (cheerful): Tiffany, hi! Feeling better today?
TIFFANY (sounding exhausted): Hi, Julia. Yeah. There’s, like, no way I could have gotten worse. (grins feebly)
(Julia sits on the edge of the bed. She leans forward and kisses Tiffany on the forehead.)
JULIA: Your mother was in tears last night when she called me. She was afraid we were gonna lose you. But you made it through the night. I’m proud of you, cousin. Looks to me like you’re doing okay, and in my line of work, I see a lot of people strung out a lot worse than you are.
TIFFANY: Julia, do you think I’m a loser?
JULIA: How old are you, Tiffany?
TIFFANY (puzzled): You know the answer to that, Julia. I’m seventeen.
JULIA: So most of your life’s still ahead of you, then. Tiff, you’re a run behind at the bottom of the first inning. There’s plenty of time to win.
TIFFANY: Okay, Julia. I’ll take your word for it, but I don’t know much about football.
JULIA: That’s baseball, Tiff. I played girls’ softball when I went to Lawndale, remember?
TIFFANY: Isn’t there, like, some kind of meeting I’m supposed to go to, where you climb a bunch of stairs?
JULIA (puzzled for a second, but recovers quickly): Uh, sure, Tiff. A twelve-step program, but you don’t really have to climb a staircase. The steps are a figure of speech. (encouraging) You can come with me tonight. Tonight’s my night off before they rotate me back to second shift. I go when I can, but you know my work schedule. It’s crazy.
TIFFANY: Is there anybody else there who, like, used to do Thinno-Pepsin?
JULIA: Not that. Not yet. But we’ve got just about everything else. Alcoholics, potheads, pill freaks, a compulsive gambler, and there’s even a heroin addict. (pauses three beats, as if for theatrical effect) Tiff, just in case Aunt Fran and Uncle Stan didn’t tell you, I’m the one who used to do heroin.
TIFFANY (both disgusted and horrified): Heroin! Julia, eeeew!
JULIA: Remember when you were a little girl, and I was in the hospital, and you came by and told me you’d learned at school not to take other people’s medicine?
TIFFANY: Uh-huh.
JULIA: I was “jonesing”---undergoing withdrawal from heroin. Aunt Fran and Uncle Stan didn’t think you were old enough to know the real story.
TIFFANY: But Julia, how could YOU be a heroin addict? You’re a smart person.
JULIA: Thank you, Tiff, but intelligence has nothing to do with it. (She gives Tiffany a pat on the shoulder.) You’ve got my cell number. Give me a call and let me know if you’ll be getting out today. But don’t call before, like, 3:00 PM or so. (Yawns.) I gotta get some sleep today. Just came off graveyard shift.
EXT. DAY. OUTSIDE THE FRONT ENTRANCE OF LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL. (Kids are filing inside to begin another Monday. JOSIE DUPONT stands just outside the door, wearing a sandwich board that says, “LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL SAYS ‘NO!’ TO DRUGS. WEAR A RED RIBBON.” Josie is a brunette with short hair parted in the middle. She wears a calf-length white dress and nerdy-looking glasses. She is about 20 pounds overweight, most of it below the waist. She accosts each student as they come in, and offers each one a red ribbon. The students try to avoid her as they approach the door. Josie is NOT one of the popular girls at the school.)
(QUINN and the skate-punk girl AMY TORONAGA approach the door. Quinn is dressed as she usually is. Amy is wearing a neon-orange girl’s T-shirt and baggy pants. A PAIR OF IN-LINE SKATES hangs over Amy’s shoulder next to her backpack.)
QUINN (whispers to Amy): Oh, great. Look who’s passing out the ribbons! Josie DuPont! She is SO annoying.
AMY: I agree, Q-Tip. Does it bother you you're dating her brother?
QUINN: Don’t remind me.
(Josie notices Quinn and Amy approaching.)
JOSIE: Quinn, Amy, how about a ribbon? Show your support for “Just Say ‘No!’ to Drugs Week.”
QUINN: Okay, thanks. Red doesn’t clash with pink. (She takes a ribbon from Josie, while the Three Jay’s tiptoe into the school behind Josie’s back.) I’m helping a girl get over a drug problem right now.
JOSIE: God bless you, Quinn. (She glances suspiciously at Amy, who notices and frowns back.)
AMY: Josie, I’m not the girl Quinn’s talking about.
JOSIE: Amy, the sooner you admit you have a problem, the easier it will be to overcome it.
QUINN (angry): Josie, WHAT are you talking about?
JOSIE (whisper): Everybody knows you're a stoner, Amy.
QUINN (angry): That is SO not true, Josie. I wouldn’t be seen walking to school with her if she was.
AMY (more annoyed than angry): You’ve never seen me burn one, Josie. (Reluctantly takes a ribbon.) So don’t go spreading rumors. (Quinn and Amy walk toward the doors.)
INTERIOR. DAYTIME. HALLWAY.
(Quinn and Amy enter through the doors.)
AMY (to Quinn): Thanks for stickin’ up for me, Q-Tip.
QUINN: No problem!
INTERIOR. HALLWAY JUST INSIDE THE SCHOOL. (Not far from the door, Stacy is getting something out of her locker, while Sandi stands nearby. Sandi sees Quinn enter the building in the company of Amy and makes a face.)
SANDI (to Stacy, loud enough for the approaching Quinn to hear): Gee, Stacy, Quinn doesn’t care who she’s seen with any more. She just entered the school almost hand-in-hand with that sweaty skate punk Amy.
AMY (to Quinn, with a harsh glance in Sandi’s direction): Later, Q-Tip.
QUINN: Have a nice day, Amy. (Amy walks on down the hall. Quinn stops beside Stacy and Sandi.)
QUINN: Oh, Sandi, just because Amy and I had a chat on the way to school doesn’t mean I’m gonna turn into a skater.
STACY: Quinn’s trying to set a good example for Amy. You never know. Amy might take a hint, learn how to dress, and turn popular, like Serge.
SANDI: Maybe, but why, Quinn, do you have let her give you some geeky nickname? She calls you “Q-Tip.” (Sandi rolls her eyes as she says the name.)
QUINN: It’s her way of complementing me for staying thin.
(Stacy closes her locker and looks at her two friends with concern.)
STACY: That reminds me. Quinn, I got your voice mail about Tiffany. I’m glad to hear she’s gonna be okay.
(The three of them start off for homeroom.)
QUINN: I have her room number, but nobody should phone her till, like, lunch period. The doctor wants her to rest while she gets the junk out of her system.
STACY: Did they give Mrs. Blum-Deckler a room? She looked like she was gonna have heart attack or something.
SANDI: Or hyperventilate. (Stacy’s eyes flare with anger for a second.)
QUINN: They gave her mom a mild tranquilizer.
SANDI: Poor Tiffany! I’ve never had a close friend with a drug problem before. That’s SO blue-collar. You know?
(Cut to: Josie walking up the hall, no longer wearing her sandwich board. She comes within hearing distance, and stops. The surprised expression on her face indicates she’s overheard Sandi.)
(Cut to: A close-up of Josie’s face.)
JOSIE (V.O.): What’s this I hear? Tiffany’s on drugs! One of those popular, conceited Fashion Club girls on drugs! I always figured if any of them was, Tiffany would be the one. I must make an example of her. After all, this is “Say 'No' to Drugs" week.
(INTERIOR. DAY. MS. LI’S OFFICE. Ms. Li is consulting the computer on the credenza behind her desk. Josie stands beside her, looking on.)
LI: How did you say you spell her last name, Josie?
JOSIE: It’s one of those hyphenated ones. The first part, I’m pretty sure, is Blum. B-L-U-M. The second part starts with a D.
LI (speaking as she types): Senior class, check. First name Tiffany, last name Blum. The software will get the closest thing to a match. (She clicks her mouse.) Ah, here we go! Blum-Deckler, Tiffany.
JOSIE: That’s her.
LI: The name sounds vaguely familiar. I’ll display her full information.
(Cut to: A Close-up of the screen on Ms. Li’s computer. We get to see the name “Blum-Deckler, Tiffany Mei-Mei,” her class listed as “Senior,” and “Fashion Club” listed under extracurriculars. Of course, the Fashion Club is no more, but the data base hasn’t been updated.)
LI: Is she also selling drugs, do you think?
JOSIE: Possibly. It's clear from what I overheard that Tiffany's a total degenerate.
LI: Good work, Miss Du Pont!
JOSIE (proudly): No need to thank me, Ms. Li. I’m just doing my duty.
LI: I see from my data base that her mother called her in sick today.
JOSIE: Sick? She's probably out scoring something right now to sell at the school tomorrow. (scornful and envious) She thinks she can get away with it 'cause she's in the Fashion Club, one of the popular girls.
LI: I’ll make an example of this Tiffany. She’s a disgrace to Asian-American women everywhere.
JOSIE: And there’s not better time to do it than during “Say No To Drugs Week.”
LI: Haven’t you got a homeroom to report to?
JOSIE: Oh, yeah, right! I’ll just be on my way, now. (Josie turns to leave Ms. Li’s office.)
(INTERIOR. DAY. TIFFANY’S HOSPITAL ROOM.)
SUPER: MONDAY AFTERNOON
(Direct from school, Quinn enters Tiffany’s room, with Stacy and Sandi behind her in that order. Tiffany is lying in her bed, idly watching the TV. Her hair is a mess. There are bags under her eyes. She feels as bad as she looks, but she brightens up when she sees her three best friends.)
QUINN: Hi, Tiffany! Feeling better now? (Sandi and Stacy ad-lib their greetings.)
TIFFANY: Yeah! Better than I was, anyway. (chuckles) Anyway, I feel a lot better than I must look. (Tiffany clicks the remote, turning off the TV. Then she reaches for her compact on the nightstand and looks in it.) Yep, just as I thought, I look like something the dog dragged in. Ew! Sorry!
(Her three best friends sit on the sides of the bed.)
STACY: That IS a bad case of pillow-head, Tiffany.
(Quinn notices a hair brush on the nightstand and picks it up.)
QUINN: Tiffany, let us brush your hair.
TIFFANY: Okay. That’ll be fun.
QUINN: We’ll divide your hair into three parts and each of us will brush it one hundred times, for that bouncy look.
SANDI: One hundred times? That’s overdoing it. I can get that bouncy look with 75.
QUINN: You’re lucky, Sandi. Your hair is wavier than most people’s.
STACEY: Not that there’s anything wrong with your hair, Tiffany, except it needs brushing.
(Quinn takes the left side of Tiffany’s head and starts brushing.)
QUINN: One, two, three, four - - -
EXTERIOR. NIGHT. JULIA’S CAR DRIVING THROUGH DOWNTOWN LAWNDALE. (Julia’s car is a white Toyota Corolla of early 90’s vintage. It needs a paint job. Julia is driving. Tiffany sits beside her. FOCUS ON inside of the car.)
JULIA: We never use last names at 12-Step. You’re just Tiffany. There’s a teacher from your school there. You’ll call him Anthony at the meeting, no matter what his last name is.
TIFFANY (softly, to herself): Mr. DeMartino?
JULIA: What’s that, Tiff?
TIFFANY: Nothing.
JULIA: You’ll have to get up and say, “Hi, my name is Tiffany. I am a diet-pill addict.”
TIFFANY: Oh, no! Julia, I can’t say that to a room full of strangers. I’ll feel like such a loser.
JULIA: Tiffany, when you say it you’ll be taking responsibility for your problem. It’s not somebody else’s fault. It’s yours, but the rest of us are there to help you. Don’t worry. I know it’s hard. Do you think it was easy for me to say, “My name is Julia and I’m a heroin addict?”
TIFFANY: No.
JULIA: There, you see? You saw me in the hospital when I was jonesing. Remember how bad I looked?
TIFFANY: Yeah, you looked SO sick.
JULIA: I was. I was VERY sick. But look how far I’ve come since then. You’ll do fine, Tiffany.
(Julia’s car pulls into the front parking lot of a two-story brick building with a big sign saying, “GRANDSTAFF STREET YMCA.”)
TIFFANY: Julia, I don’t have to change my religion, do I? I want to stay Jewish.
JULIA: That’s fine, Tiffany. There’s no discussion of religious differences here. When people talk about turning their lives over to a Higher Power, it can mean anything they want it to mean. (Julia parks and turns off the engine. She and Tiffany start to get out of the car.)
INTERIOR. A ROOM AT THE YMCA. (Julia and Tiffany walk into the room and set in two chairs next to each other. There are about fifteen or twenty people in the room altogether, men and women, young and middle-aged, sitting in folding chairs arranged in a circle. Mr. DeMartino is among them. Another one is Burnout Girl, also known as Burnout Chick Jennifer, who graduated from Lawndale High with Daria and Jane. All the room looks expectantly at Julia.)
JULIA (clearing her throat): Okay, is everyone ready to start? (Several people around the room adlib something affirmative. This is Tiffany’s first indication that Julia is the leader of the meeting.) Fine. Does anyone have a personal announcement to make?
(Mr. DeMartino raises his hand.)
JULIA: Fine, Anthony. You can start us off.
MR. DEMARTINO (standing up): My name is Anthony.
ENTIRE CIRCLE (in unison): Hi, Anthony. (Tiffany looks slightly uncomfortable addressing Mr. DeMartino by his first name.)
MR. DEMARTINO: And I am a compulsive gambler. However, I am PROUD to announce that I HAVEN’T placed a bit in TWO YEARS. (He holds up two fingers. The entire circle claps their hands, and several people adlib cheers, including Jennifer and Julia.)
JENNIFER: I see Julia has brought somebody new this time. (to Tiffany) Would you like to introduce yourself now?
TIFFANY (standing up): My name is Tiffany.
ENTIRE CIRCLE (in unison): Hi, Tiffany.
TIFFANY: And I am a (takes a deep breath) diet-pill addict. (Tears in her eyes, Tiffany sits down. Taking out a tissue, Julia wipes Tiffany’s face.)
JULIA: You’re gonna be okay, Tiffany. We’re here to help. Aren’t we guys? (She gives Tiffany a hug. Members of the group adlib affirmative statements.)
(Cut to: The wall-clock showing 7:00 PM, start of the meeting.)
(Slow fade to: The same wall-clock showing 8:00 PM. The meeting is over.)
(Cut to: The entire meeting in a circle holding hands, completing the Serenity Prayer.)
ENTIRE CIRCLE (in unison): --- And the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. Keep coming back! It works if you work it! (The circle breaks up and people prepare to leave. Burnout Chick Jennifer approaches Tiffany and Julia.)
JULIA (to Tiffany): The next thing you need is a sponsor.
JENNIFER(to Julia): That's what I was gonna say. (to Tiffany): Tiffany, can I be your sponsor?
TIFFANY: But Julia’s my cousin and an old friend.
JULIA (to Tiffany): I’d love to be your sponsor, Tiffany, but I’m a sponsor to three other girls already.
JENNIFER: Tiffany, I know you and I don’t dress alike, we don’t listen to the same kind of music, and we don’t hang out with the same kind of friends. But we have this one thing in common. I’m not anyone’s sponsor yet. I’d be glad to be yours.
TIFFANY (to Jennifer): Well, Okay, Burnout Girl---Ooops! Sorry! (turns pink) I don’t know your name.
JENNIFER (giggles): It’s okay, Tiffany. I know that’s how people in high school thought of me, but I've been clean and sober since, like, the start of my junior year. I'd like you to call me Jennifer.
TIFFANY: Okay, Jennifer. You can be my sponsor. (Jennifer offers Tiffany a hand to shake, and Tiffany shakes it.)
JENNIFER: Do you have a ride home? I could give you a lift.
JULIA (to Jennifer): I drove her.
TIFFANY: If you want to drive me home, Jennifer, that would be cool. We could talk some more.
JENNIFER: Fine.
JULIA (giving Tiffany a brief hug): You’re in good hands, Tiff. See you later. Be in touch.
TIFFANY (to Julia): I will, Julia. Good-night, and thanks for bringing me here.
JULIA: Sure thing, Tiffany. (to Julia) Thanks for your interest in my cousin. Tiff’s a dear. Well, good-night.
JENNIFER: Good-night, Julia. (to Tiffany) My car’s in the lot. Let’s go.
EXTERIOR. NIGHT. A LAWNDALE RESIDENTIAL STREET. (Jennifer’s car, a late-Eighties Honda in bad need of a paint job, is going down the street. Jennifer is driving with Tiffany sitting beside her. FOCUS ON Jennifer and Tiffany in the car.)
JENNIFER: So, what kind of music do you like?
TIFFANY: Well, I’ve been into Boys Are Guys for a couple years now. (Jennifer rolls her eyes, but doesn’t let Tiffany see it.) Lately, though, I’m getting kind of tired of them. I feel like I’m ready for something new.
JENNIFER: You’re back in charge of your own head, Tiffany, which is cool. Do you listen to any alternative or hip-hop?
TIFFANY: Hip-hop? Ew! Rap is mean and nasty. And alternative? I don’t really know what that is.
JENNIFER: For real! Who does, any more? The label is up for grabs. I like to go down to the Zen. Ever been there?
TIFFANY: No. I’ve never even heard of it.
JENNIFER: Tell you what, I’ll take you down there sometime.
TIFFANY: How do the girls dress there?
JENNIFER: Not like you, frankly.
TIFFANY: Good. I’ll have a chance to buy some new outfits first.
JENNIFER (amused): Fine. If you’re going to the Zen, shop for your new outfits in thrift stores.
TIFFANY: Thrift stores? Brrrr!
JENNIFER (with resignation): Okay, Tiffany. You and I have very different tastes in clothes, music, and probably boys too. But I have nothing against you personally.
TIFFANY: I don’t have anything against you either. We’re both in the 12 step thing.
JENNIFER: Yeah, that’s it. We have that in common, even if nothing else.
TIFFANY: Jennifer, can I ask you a personal question?
JENNIFER: Sure, but you might not get an answer.
TIFFANY: What's behind that lock of hair that always falls in front of your face?
JENNIFER: Oh, do I have to show you? (strikes a pose) I want to be a woman of mystery!
(The car stops at a red light.)
TIFFANY: Well, okay, but the rumor going around school was ---
JENNIFER (amsued): Don't tell me, let me guess! I've got a horrible skin disease. Or a big, huge burn scar. Or a horrible looking birthmark. Or a swastika tattoo.
TIFFANY: I was gonna say a burn scar.
JENNIFER: Okay, Tiffany, I'll show you. (While they're waiting at the stoplight, Jennifer pulls back the lock of hair. The mysterious right side of her face is exactly like the left side.)
TIFFANY: Jennifer, you have a very nice face! All you need is a makeover!
(The light changes. Jennifer takes the car through the intersection.)
JENNIFER (amused): I'll let you know, Tiffany, but for now, this is the look I'm comfortable with.
INTERIOR. DAYTIME. A HALLWAY AT THE SCHOOL, BEFORE THE FIRST CLASS. (Stacy stands at her locker, getting stuff out or putting something in. It doesn’t matter which. Quinn and Sandi are standing nearby.)
(SUPER: TUESDAY MORNING.)
SANDI: I see Tiffany. Tiffany’s back.
QUINN: Hi, Tiffany. You look good! Glad to see you.
(Tiffany walks confidently up to them, looking more cheerful and alert than she’s been in recent years. She’s dressed as she usually was in the fifth season of “Daria,” except for wearing blue sneakers that match her green and blue dress. Without her trademark high-heel sandals, she appears slightly shorter than the other three.)
TIFFANY: Quinn! Sandi! Stacy! It’s SO cool to see my three best friends on such a beautiful morning. The sun is shining, the leaves on the trees are turning red and gold, and there’s a nice autumn breeze. The whole world is AWESOME this morning.
(Josie walks toward the four girls, notices Tiffany, and ducks behind a corner. She peers around it suspiciously, trying to overhear what Tiffany is saying.)
SANDI (taken aback by Tiffany’s transformation): Gee, Tiffany, I’ve never seen you like this.
TIFFANY: You know what I did on the way to school today? I was feeling SO good, I stopped, took off my backpack for a minute, and just spun around and around like I did when I was a little kid.
QUINN: Looks like Tiffany’s high on life!
STACY (to Quinn and Sandi): I recognize this girl! (to Tiffany) You’re the Tiffany who was my best friend since, like, the third grade. Always cheerful and upbeat. Welcome back, Tiffany.
(Quinn, Sandi, and Stacy give Tiffany a group hug.)
(Cut to: Josie lurking just around the corner.)
JOSIE (low, to herself): So, Tiffany’s back, and obviously high on something! (She walks away, her presence unnoticed by the ex-Fashion Clubbies.)
SANDI: Tiffany, what happened to those sandals you like to wear?
TIFFANY: Oh, Dad’s dog Maccabee chewed up one this morning. I’m gonna have to get some more.
STACY (excited): Shoe shopping? I’m SO there.
(INTERIOR. DAYTIME. MS. LI’S OFFICE. Ms. Li is at her desk. Josie is sitting in one of the chairs before her.)
JOSIE: As my dad used to say in the Royal Canadian Air Force, the target has been acquired.
LI: By which you mean what, Josie?
JOSIE: The druggie is back. Tiffany came back to school today, and she’s clearly “on” something. My guess would be ecstasy.
LI: Thank you, Josie. (Her tone turns sinister.) Appropriate measures will be taken.
(INTERIOR. DAYTIME. MRS. BARCH'S SCIENCE CLASSROOM. Students file in and take their seats. They include Sandi, Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany, Josie, and the boy COREY who tried to date Quinn in the "Daria" episode "Quinn the Brain." Corey is wearing lots of black and a large cross ear-ring. In recent weeks, he’s been trying to pass as a Goth. They all take to their seats. Sandi and Tiffany sit in the front row. Corey sits on Tiffany's right. Josie sits on Corey's right. Quinn sits behind Sandi, Stacy behind Tiffany.)
SANDI: Guys, please remind me why we’re taking biology. It's so gross!
STACY: Because we all need another science credit to graduate, and chemistry requires way too much math.
QUINN: Sandi's right. Biology is SO icky! I would be OK with it if it was all about puppies and kitties and horses, and there's a little bit of that, but it's mostly gross animals.
STACY: Yeah, like lizards and spiders and frogs.
TIFFANY: Stacy, ew!
STACY: Sorry.
TIFFANY: Too bad there's not more about bears. Bears are cool.
SANDI: Tiffany dear, bears are big, mean, scary and smelly. Like dinosaurs with fur.
STACY: Then there's, like, bacteria and viruses. They're REALLY gross.
TIFFANY: Stacy, ew!
STACY: Sorry, but it's important to know about bacteria and viruses. It's a health thing.
COREY (to the girls): Here's a really gross animal. (He opens his textbook to a certain page, and shows it to Tiffany.) It's called a slime mold.
TIFFANY (more emphatic): Corey, ew!
QUINN: That's enough, Corey! God, I can't believe I ever dated you.
COREY (angry): You call that a date, Quinn? You stood me up at the door, 'cause you were in some brainy "intellectual" mood.
(Quinn looks back at him. Her eyes indicate inarticulate shock, but her mouth is twisted into a sinister frown.)
STACY: Oh, Corey! You think you're so cool with your black clothes and your big, huge, upside-down crucifix hanging from your ear, But ya know what? Nobody goes from prep to Goth in a week. You're just a big poseur!
(The bell rings. Mrs. Barch gets up from her desk.)
MRS. BARCH: Good morning, class. We'll settle the burning question of who's the real Goth and who's dating whom some other time. Today we will continue our series of oral reports. Sandi Griffin will explain the basic principles of taxonomy for us.
(Sandi assembles her note cards and stands up. She turns briefly to her girlfriends.)
SANDI (whispering): Wish me luck. (Sandi walks up to the front of the room and writes "Taxonomy" on the blackboard. She clears her throat, and referring to her notes, begins addressing the class.) Taxonomy is the system of classifying and naming living things. A good way to illustrate its principles is to show how our species fits in. We begin with the scientific name, “Homo sapiens.”
(Sandi writes “HOMO SAPIENS” on the blackboard. Josie raises her hand. Mrs. Barch looks wearily at Josie, knowing what’s coming up.)
MRS. BARCH (rolls her eyes): Josie, do you have a question?
JOSIE: I would like to point out that lumping human beings, created on the sixth day in the image of God, in there with all those apes, created on the fifth day, is against the Bible.
(Several students in the class groan. Mrs. Barch joins in.)
MRS. BARCH: Duly noted, Josie. Try to keep your patriarchical fundamentalist rants to a minimum, please, so we can get something done. (to herself) She is supposed to know better! She’s a female, damn it!
(Cut to: INTERIOR. DAYTIME. MRS. BARCH'S SCIENCE CLASSROOM. SUPER: 10 MINUTES LATER. The blackboard is covered with taxonomical terms like “phylum,” “subphylum,” “order,” “class,” and “genus.”)
SANDI: This concludes our discussion of taxonomy.
(Corey raises his hand.)
MRS. BARCH: Yes, Corey, do you have a question?
COREY: Yes, it may interest Josey to know that Karl von Linne, who invented taxonomy, lived a century before Darwin, and back then, everybody was a creationist.
JOSIE (surprised, gestures at blackboard): This stuff was invented by a creationist?
MRS. BARCH: He’s right. Very good, Corey. (to herself) Especially for a male.
JOSIE (in an undertone): Halleluyah! Praise the Lord.
COREY (to Josie): So don’t go jumping on everything, Josie.
MS. BARCH: Stacy will be giving our next oral report. She will explain ---
MS. LI (on P.A. system): Attention, Lawndale students. This is your principal speaking. Will Tiffany Blum-Deckler please report to the principal's office immediately?
TIFFANY (frowning): I wonder what this is about? (She heads for the door.)
(Cut to: INTERIOR. MS. LI'S OFFICE. Tiffany enters cautiously. Ms. Li is sitting with her back to the office door. As Tiffany shuts the door, Ms. Li slowly and theatrically turns around in her swivel chair. Not liking the look on Ms. Li's face, Tiffany nervously takes her seat.)
MS. LI: Well, well, Miss Blum-Deckler. I've uncovered your dirty little secret.
TIFFANY (squirming): What secret?
MS. LI (standing, shaking her finger): I will tolerate no drug trafficking at my school, Tiffany.
TIFFANY: Trafficking? Ms. Li, I don't even OWN a car! And the drug thing, that's no secret. I haven't taken anything since, like, Sunday.
MS. LI: Your purse, please, Tiffany!
TIFFANY: Okay, but there's no drugs in it.
(She hands over her purse. Ms. Li dumps out the contents on her desk and rummages through them, looking for something incriminating.)
MS. LI: Nothing! (She scoops up the various items, which include Tiffany's compact and a cell phone, and puts them back in the purse.)
TIFFANY (annoyed): My purse, please? (Ms. Li hands her back the purse.) Ms. Li, I don't do drugs any more! I was taking Thinno-Pepsin, but I stopped on Sunday. I'm even in a 12 step program for it.
MS. LI: Thinno-Pepsin? Don't insult my intelligence, Tiffany. Thinno-Pepsin is a fat blocker. Three of our football team's best running backs take it.
TIFFANY: But it IS, Ms. Li. It's been on TV and everything! (A look of relief crosses Tiffany's face. She assumes the interrogation is nearly over.)
MS. LI: I've already taken the precaution of searching your locker.
TIFFANY (surprised): What?
MS. LI: The only thing left to do is a full body cavity search. (She produces a latex glove and puts it on.) Deep and hard. (Tiffany gasps.) Now, Tiffany, don't be alarmed. (Tiffany jumps out of the chair and begins to back away.) I'm on your side, honey. After all, you can't spell "principal" without P-A-L. (Tiffany is already running out the door.)
MS. LI (angry): The ungrateful little bitch!
(Cut to: INTERIOR. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MS. LI’S OFFICE. Tiffany bolts out the door and turns down the hall. Ms. Li burst out of the office in hot pursuit.)
MS. LI (panting): Tiffany, honey, I’m on your side.
(Tiffany turns a corner and disappears. Ms. Li is still running.) MS. LI (panting): Remember, Tiffany, your principal is your P-A-L.
(Cut to: INTERIOR. HALLWAY OF THE SCHOOL. Tiffany runs past several classrooms.)
(Cut to: INTERIOR. MS. BARCH’S SCIENCE CLASSROOM. Stacy is in the middle of her oral report, working with a diagram of a primitive embryo drawn in chalk on the blackboard.)
(STACY: The mesoderm is the last of the three layers of cells to appear. (She writes M-E-S-O-D-E-R-M on the board. Looking past her hand holding the chalk, she glances out the door and notices Tiffany racing past. Stacy gasps.) Tiffany! My God! Tiffany’s in trouble.
MS. BARCH: Stacy, what are you--- (Stacy runs to the door, opens it, and steps outside.) Hey, come back here!
(Cut to: INTERIOR. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MS. BARCH’S CLASSROOM. Stacy steps outside the door, and sees Tiffany running for the exit at the end of the hall.)
STACY: Tiffany, what’s wrong? (Stacy’s back is turned to Ms. Li, who can’t slow down in time. She collides with Stacy and they both fall down in a heap.)
(Cut to: INTERIOR: MS. BARCH’S CLASSROOM.)
MS. BARCH (getting up from desk): What the hell’s going on out there?
(Josie, where she’s sitting, saw part of the action outside the door.)
JOSIE (jumping up from her desk): Stacy and Ms. Li are fighting!
COREY: The principal’s beating up Stacy? This sucks!
QUINN: You’re both wrong! I can see the whole thing. Ms. Li ran right over Stacy!
(Quinn, Sandi, Josie, Corey, and EIGHT OR TEN OTHER STUDENTS all get up from the desks and start for the door.)
MS. BARCH: Class! Class! Everybody back in your seats. I’ll go investigate.
(Ms. Barch goes to the door of the room. The other kids huddle three or four steps behind her, straining their necks in an effort to hear.)
(Cut to: INTERIOR. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MS. BARCH’S CLASS.)
STACY (breathless, talking in panicky-Stacy mode): I’m SO sorry I got in your way, Ms. Li. I didn’t mean to do it, but I saw my best friend Tiffany running down the hall and I---
MS. LI (interrupts): Enough excuses! Let’s see your student I.D.! (At this moment, Mr. DeMartino walks indignantly up.)
DeMARTINO: How can I possibly (eye pops out) EVEN ATTEMPT to teach World Geography to a typical classroom full of PROCESSED SAUSAGES with all this NOISE and HOOPLA in the hallway?
STACY (to no-one in particular): Hoopla?
MS. LI: Does the name Tiffany Blum-Deckler ring a bell to you, Anthony? (While DeMartino is saying this, Stacy tip-toes back into Ms. Barch’s room, and Ms. Barch shuts the door.)
DeMARTINO: Why, yes, she's been in some of my classes.
MS. LI: And a serious drug user! When I tried to search her, she ran.
DeMARTINO: Angela, this is ABSURD. Miss Blum-Deckler has joined a 12-STEP program, the same one I belong to, and is WORKING VERY HARD on her problem with drug pills. (Eye pops out again.) Have you ever heard of Thinno-Pepsin? It was on Phil Donahue a couple of years back.
MS LI: Oh, she told you that story too, did she?
DeMARTINO: She told it to a roomful of people with drug and alcohol problems, and ONE COMPULSIVE GAMBLER! If you’ll pardon the expression, Angela, (lowers his voice) we don’t bullsh_t easily. We think Tiffany’s KEEPIN' IT REAL! (Eye pops out again.)
MS. LI (nervously): Do you really so, Anthony?
DeMARTINO: Yes, and I also think young Tiffany should be the FEATURED SPEAKER at this Friday’s “Say No to Drugs” Rally! MS. LI: Thank you for sharing that information, Anthony. Of course we’ll have Tiffany on the program. (to herself) It may the thing that keeps her family from suing me. (Cut to: INTERIOR. HELEN MORGENDORFFER’S LAW OFFICE. Helen is at her desk. The legal secretary Marianne is nearby, looking through a filing cabinet.) HELEN (on phone, patiently): Tiffany, honey, you’re going to have to slow down. I’ve never heard you talk this fast. (four beats) Full body cavity searches? You’re right, she doesn’t have the legal authority to do that. Now, Tiffany, before I can help you, you’ll have to tell me the truth. Are you on drugs? (two beats) Oh, good for you! A twelve-step program. What kind of diet pill? (two beats) Thinno-Pepsin? (alarmed) Oprah did a show on that stuff. MARIANNE (looking up): Thinno-Pepsin? “The View” did a show on that! A girl in New Zealand overdosed on it and died. HELEN (on phone, calm again, but serious): Young lady, when you joined that 12-step program, you did yourself a HUGE favor. (two beats) You should march right back into your classroom and finish the day as if nothing happened. If Ms. Li gives you any more grief, just tell her your lawyer is Helen Morgendorffer. (two beats) No, I won’t charge you anything, honey. (one beat) Your quite welcome, dear. Good-bye. (Helen hangs up the phone, as an exciting thought crosses her mind.) This may be the thing that brings down Angela Li. MARIANNE (looking up again): Who’s Angela Li? HELEN: Marianne, you do NOT want to know. INTERIOR. AUDITORIUM OF LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL. (Tiffany is at the microphone. Ms. Li, Mr. DeMartino, and Fran Blum-Deckler are seated on the stage. An unidentified male student is recording the even for posterity on a video camera. Tiffany is reading her speech from a set of cards, slowly and carefully, but she is more articulate and focused than when she did the peer counseling in “It Happened One Nut.” Various angles of the students in the audience. Stacy, Sandi, and Quinn are all sitting together.) TIFFANY: And so in conclusion, there’s more than one way to stay thin, and the best way to stay thin is to stay healthy, through appropriate diet and exercise. I gave up Thinno-Pepsin because it was controlling my whole life. Now I’m finally finding out what Tiffany wants. I never could have done it without the support of my Mom and Dad, my friends in the 12-Step Program, and my three best friends here at school. I would like to name them for you. Quinn Morgendorffer. (Quinn stands up. There are loud cheers and much applause, even a few whistles. A number of senior class boys, including the Three Jay’s, stand up. It takes a while for the applause to die down. Sandi frowns. Finally, Quinn sits.) TIFFANY: Stacy Rowe. (Stacy stands up. The applause for her lasts almost as long as the applause for Quinn, although no one stands up this time. Stacy sits.) TIFFANY: And Sandi Griffin. (Sandi stands up. Quinn and Stacy applaud. Fran on the stage, who knows and dislikes Sandi’s mother, claps her hands once or twice, just to be polite. No one else at the assembly is applauding. Sandi looks around her, a pained expression on her face. Somewhere in the auditorium, someone coughs. Quinn and Stacy clap harder.) QUINN AND STACY (in unison): Yay, Sandi! (Cut to: The Three Jays sitting in the stands.) JOEY (to Jeffy and Jamie): Sandi is Quinn’s friend. We better clap, guys. (All three of them applaud.) (Cut to: Tiffany on the stage. Her cheeks are red. Her mouth is open with surprise.) TIFFANY: So, come on, people! Let’s hear it for the three best friends a girl ever had. (The entire student body stands up again, applauds and cheers.) QUINN: Yay, Sandi! STACY: Way to go, Sandi! (Sandi reaches for a tissue and wipes her eyes. When the commotion dies down, Tiffany continues.) TIFFANY: Life can be tough at times. We all need our friends. Say no to drugs! Thank you, and God Bless. (Tiffany returns to a chair on the stage next to Fran, who kisses her on the cheek.) (Cut to: Mr. O’Neill, Ms. Barch, Miss Dafoe, and several other teachers sitting together. Mr. O’Neill is in tears.) O’NEILL: What an inspiring story Tiffany has shared with us. (sniffs) I’m deeply moved. MS. BARCH: Skinny, looks like you need a tissue. (She takes one and starts dabbing his face.) EXTERIOR. DAY. THE FRONT OF LAWNDALE HIGH. (School buses are lined up and kids are boarding up. Sandi, Stacy, Quinn and Tiffany, none of whom use the busses, are standing off to one side together. Sandi looks very depressed. Her three best friends look concerned for her.) TIFFANY: Sandi, I can tell you’re upset. I blame myself for it. I should have asked everybody to hold their applause to the end. SANDI: Apology accepted. (bitterly) After all, Tiffany dear, it’s not your fault everybody at this school hates me except you and Quinn and Stacy. QUINN (alarmed): No, Sandi, nobody hates you! The people who like you were just holding their applause to the end. STACY: Yeah, everybody did finally cheer for you. SANDI: Gee, Stacy, don’t you realize they were cheering for you and Quinn? My whole social life is in ruins! I need to be alone. I’m walking home. (Sandi turns to leave.) (Quinn goes after Sandi.) QUINN: I’ll walk with you. SANDI: No, Quinn! I need to be alone. (Sandi walks faster. Quinn stops.) QUINN: We’ll be there for you, Sandi. Just call. TIFFANY: Yeah, just like you and Quinn and Stacy were there for me. SANDI (calling back from off screen): What-ever! QUINN: This is so sad! STACY: I’ve never seen Sandi so upset! TIFFANY: Yeah, utterly dejected. (Quinn and Stacy look at Tiffany, puzzled.) TIFFANY: I learn a new word every day now. (Amy comes rocketing past them on her in-line skates.) AMY (shouting as she passes): Yo, Tiff! You rock! Hard! TIFFANY: Thanks, Amy. STACY (to Quinn): Quinn, I’m worried about Sandi. (nervous) What if she gets suicidal? QUINN: If she doesn’t show up for our trip to Cashman’s tomorrow, we’ll know it’s serious. (Joey walks up to Tiffany.) JOEY (to Tiffany): Tiffany, can we talk? TIFFANY (turning away from Quinn and Stacy): Sure, Joey. What’s up? JOEY: I thought that was a very cool speech you gave. You’ve got a lot of guts. Hang in there! TIFFANY (smiling): Thanks, Joey. That’s sweet. JOEY: Would you like to go out with me? TIFFANY (skeptical): Joey, we’ve dated before. It was a double date with Quinn and some guy. You spent all night ignoring me and trying to impress Quinn. You and the other boy ended up fighting each other. Quinn and I were SO embarrassed! JOEY: That won’t happen again. Your friends gave you another chance. Why can’t you give me one? TIFFANY: Tell you what. I’ve got plans for tonight, but give me a call Saturday. We’re the only Blum-Decklers in the phone book. But don’t call before like three o’clock. I should be home from Cashman’s by then. JOEY: Cool! Thanks, Tiffany! Well, good-bye! TIFFANY: See you later, Joey. (Joey exits.) STACY: Tiffany, what areyour plans for tonight? TIFFANY (annoyed): I’m going to an exercise place with my Mom. She says she wants to spend more time with me. QUINN: A bunch of fat old ladies jumping up and down. Ew! TIFFANY: Tell me about it. STACY: Tiffany, here comes your Mom right now. (Fran walks up.) FRAN: Hi, girls! Sorry to keep you guys waiting. That Mr. O’Neill just would not leave me alone! (to Quinn and Stacy) I’m giving Tiffany a lift home and I’ll drop you girls off too if you like. (Quinn and Stacy adlib words of thanks.) FRAN: Where's that Griffin girl? She doesn’t live too far away either. QUINN: She already left. She’s walking home. (Quinn turns and watches Sandi’s retreating figure in the distance, already a half a block away.) (to herself) Poor Sandi! INTERIOR. DAY. LATE AFTERNOON. SANDI’S BEDROOM. (Sandi is lying on her back on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Her eyes are red. She wipes her face with a tissue.) SANDI (V.O.): Girls my age don’t have husbands, kids, houses, money or careers. All we’ve got is popularity. And if a girl doesn’t have that, she’s a total loser. And now I, Sandi Griffin, am unpopular. Oh, my God, I can’t believe this. (Sandi’s hands tremble. Her eyes open wide with horror.) SANDI (aloud): I have become (two beats) Daria! (The music playing over the credits will be “I Want a New Drug” by Huey Lewis and the News.)FADE OUT