TIFFANY'S WORLD, EPISODE #4
Sandi Goes on Strike!
By Steve Cross
FADE IN
INTERIOR. THE LIVING ROOM OF THE BLUM-DECKLER HOUSEHOLD. (Tiffany is seated on the sofa, alone.)
TIFFANY: Good evening, I'm your hostess, Tiffany Blum-Deckler. Welcome to Episode Four of "Tiffany's World." In our last episode, Brittany returned to Lawndale, got a job, and invited all her old high school friends to a Halloween party. She gets Jane's brother's band to play. Only problem is, one of their guitarist broke his uvula, so they need somebody to stand in.
DARIA (o.s.): Tiffany, that's ulna. U-L-N-A. It's a bone in the arm.
TIFFANY (looking o.s.): Thanks, Daria. (to view audience) As Daria said, Jesse broke his arm bone thing, so I got my cousin Julia to play in his place. That's how I find out what a rock and roll legend she is, and everyone tries to crash the party. Meanwhile, Sandi's been thrown out of her house and is hanging out at Quinn's place, where something tragic happens. Two different girls --- one of them is Sandi and one isn't --- try to get Jamie of the Three Jay's to notice them. Daria comes back for one --- like --- highly meaningful scene. Then, everybody converges on Brittany's to forget their problems at the greatest Halloween party in the history of Lawndale high. Enjoy the show!
INTERIOR. AMY TORONAGA'S BEDROOM. (The walls are covered with posters of kids doing X-treme sports, posters of anime characters from Azumanga Daioh, and one very prominent one of Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft. Amy's desk is littered with books and papers, and her computer's screensaver is alternating various pics of the character Yomi from Azumanga Daioh. Enter Sandi and Amy by the door. There is no bed, but there is a futon folded as a seat for two. Sandi sits on it.)
AMY: It's gonna be great having you sleep over, Warrior. We'll get to know each other better. After all, you're not some preppy fashion club president any more. You're one of us. (proudly) You're a skater.
SANDI: Thanks, Amy, for doing this. You're a real life saver.
(Amy begins pulling her top over her head.)
AMY: So, dudette, want to listen to some music?
SANDI: Sure.
AMY: Check out my CD's. (She points to her enormous rack of CD's.) Their itemized by genre of music: Grunge era up here. These rows in the middle are for hip-hop. Down below, we have two rows of industrial and electronica, and the bottom row is strictly old-school.
SANDI: Old school?
AMY: Yeah, old school, like the Clash, Sex Pistols, Talking Heads, Bob Marley and the Wailers, the spankin' stuff from, like, days gone by.
(Cut to: Amy's sports bra falling on the floor. Amy's pants fall around her angles. A hand reaches down, pulls them off, and drops them on the floor.)
(Cut to: Sandi sitting on the futon seat with an uncomfortable look on her face.)
SANDI: Uh, Amy, aren't you gonna, like, put on your sleepware or something?
(Cut to: Sandi and Amy sitting on the futon, with only the head and shoulders showing.)
AMY (laughs): No, dudette, I don't wear clothes when I'm at home.
SANDI: Oh.
(At this point, the door opens, and Quinn enters the room. She is carrying an armload of schoolbooks and a small suitcase.)
SANDI (relieved): Quinn, thanks so much for coming!
AMY: Yo, Q-Tip! Good to see ya!
QUINN (blushing): Eh, hi, Amy. (to Sandi) I brought your books and the clothes you asked for.
SANDI: Amy, would you be terribly offended if I stayed with Quinn instead?
AMY: It's the nudist thing, isn't it?
SANDI (awkwardly): Yes, it is. No offense intended.
AMY (mildly): None taken, Warrior. I understand the way I live isn't for everybody.
QUINN: I'd be glad to have you, Sandi, but I'll have to phone my Mom.
AMY: No problem, Q-Tip. (She tosses a flip-phone in Quinn's direction. Quinn catches it.) Use my cell.
INTERIOR. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. (Helen is sitting on the sofa, speaking on the cordless phone.)
HELEN: Why, yes. Sandi can stay with us for a few days. We have two spare bedrooms now. (two beats) No problem at all. See you in a few, sweetie. (She hangs up the phone.) HELEN (V.O.): Linda threw her own daughter out of the house for skating! How stupid is that?
INTERIOR. AMY TORONAGA'S BEDROOM. (Quinns closes up the flip-phone and hands it back to Amy.)
QUINN: Good news, Sandi. Mom says you can stay over for a while.
SANDI (with relief): Thanks, Quinn. (to Amy) See you at school, Amy. Are you sure there's no hard feelings, 'cause I do appreciate the invitation.
AMY (casual): Warrior, the hard feelings are below sub-zero.
QUINN (calling out the bedroom door): Mr. Toronaga, would you put your robe back on for a minute, please?
INTERIOR. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, GUEST BEDROOM. (The guest bedroom has a bed and a small desk and chair in one corner, but is otherwise piled high with moving boxes, and old battered floor lamp, a bicycle with no front wheel, and much other stuff you'd expect to find in someone's attic. Jake and Sandi enter the room.)
JAKE (with clueless enthusiasm): Here it is, Sandi. The Morgendorffer guest bedroom!
SANDI (looking around): I appreciate this, Mr. Morgendorffer. Really I do, but (sneezes) I need more space than this.
JAKE: No problem. You can use Daria's bedroom.
SANDI (to herself, mortified): Daria's bedroom?
(At this point, Quinn enters the room, overhearing.)
JAKE: Or, Sandi, you share Quinn's bed.
(Quinn and Sandi exchange a mortified glance.)
QUINN and SANDI (in unison): Daria's bedroom will do.
INTERIOR. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, DARIA'S BEDROOM. (Quinn and Sandi enter carrying Sandi's stuff. Daria's bedroom looks much the same, except it's been tidied up a great deal, and the following items are missing: Daria's Kafka poster, her PC, and the poster of the partly buried human skeleton on the wall. The barred windows and padded walls are still there.)
SANDI (with a sigh): Gee, Quinn, this room sure suits your sister's personality.
QUINN (with a laugh): Yeah, she pretended not to like it at first, but I knew better. (serious) Sandi, her closet's almost empty, and mine is full, and you know we can't sleep together because ---
SANDI (interrupting): --- of the unfortunate event with the covers, I know.
QUINN: Of course, I wouldn't expect you to do anything besides sleep in here.
SANDI (taking another look around): You're right. Sleep is all I'm going to do in this room.
(EXTERIOR. BASEBALL FIELD AT LAWNDALE HIGH. Batting practice is underway. Quinn is sitting on a bench behind the backstop, surrounded by uniformed members of the Lawndale High Baseball team. Her boyfriend, Serge DuPont, is at bat. He's a left-handed batter. The coach is playing catcher. The pitcher, who bears a family resemblance to Jeffy, throws. Serge hits a low ground-ball to right field and takes off for first base. The right fielder gets it and throws to first. Serge slides. The first baseman isn't paying very good attention, because he's looking at Quinn. The ball bounces out of his glove and onto the ground. By the time he catches up with it, Serge is safe on first.)
COACH (to right fielder): Way to hustle, Bermudez. (to first baseman) And as for you, Mister Fletcher, try to pay attention to the ball when it's in play. Please? (to Serge) Come on back, DuPont. We'll give Olsen's change-up another chance.
(Cut to Quinn surrounded by Serge's team-mates.)
PLAYER #1: There's like three bases and home plate.
QUINN (impatient): I know what the bases are.
PLAYER #2: There's nine innings in a game.
QUINN (impatient): I know how many innings are in a game.
PLAYER #3: There's three outs in a inning.
QUINN (impatient): I know about the outs. Guys, I know all about the game, thanks to Serge, my boyfriend. (The players all sigh with disappointment, loudly.)
(Cut to the field.)
(The pitcher throws another pitch. Serge lets it go.)
COACH (catching it): That's a strike. (He throws the ball back to the pitcher.)
(The pitcher throws again. Serge swings, and makes a pop-up which is easily caught by the shortstop. The coach blows his whistle.)
COACH: That's enough for today, guys. Hit the showers!
(As the boys gather up the equipment and start back toward the gym, Quinn sidles up to Serge, who deftly curls at arm around her as they walk back together.)
SERGE (to Quinn): You sure you want to get this close to a guy who's all sticky and icky?
QUINN (seductive): Smells like my man, Serge. (They exchange a brief kiss.) But you do need a shower. After that, I'll drive you home.
SERGE: Cool.
QUINN: In my Dad's Lexus.
SERGE: Very cool. (They kiss again, and briefly hug.) See you in a few, honey. At the Lexus.
(Quinn giggles. He lets her go, and walks toward the gym. Quinn stands and watches him for a few seconds.)
QUINN (with a sigh): There goes my man!
INTERIOR. TIFFANY'S BEDROOM. Tiffany and Joey are lying prone on Tiffany's bed. Fully clothed! Joey is wearing his usual togs, except he doesn't have a sweater tied around his waist. Tiffany is wearing a baggy top with a floral design on it and sweatpants.)
TIFFANY (cautiously): Joey, we've been going together for like a month now, and I think I can trust you to give me an honest answer.
JOEY: An honest answer? Sure. What's the question?
TIFFANY: Would you dump me if I got fat?
JOEY: Well, yeah, I would, but I know you're never gonna get fat.
TIFFANY: Okay. Do you think I'm getting fat?
JOEY: Of course not!
TIFFANY: Joey, please. Don't spare my feelings. Tell me the truth. Am I getting fat?
JOEY: No, you're not getting fat.
(Visibly annoyed, Tiffany sits up crosslegged on the bed.)
TIFFANY: Do you know how much I weigh?
JOEY: Er, no. Should I?
TIFFANY: I weigh a hundred and eight now. A hundred and eight!
JOEY: Is that a lot?
TIFFANY: Of course it's a lot! I'm wearing sweatpants today because I outgrew everything. None of my size four dresses fit now. I'll have to wear a six.
JOEY: Why can't you wear a five?
TIFFANY (growing more impatient): That's not the way they count them. Zero, two, four, six, eight, ten.
JOEY: I see. Even numbers.
TIFFANY: Whatever! But after ten, there's the plus sizes. (sniffs) You call yourself my boyfriend, and you don't even notice when I'm getting fat.
(Joey takes a deep breath. He knows he'll have to think quickly to save the relationship. He sits up beside her on the bed, and places an arm around her.)
JOEY: Tiffany, show me where you're getting fat.
TIFFANY: Right here! (She rolls up one leg of her seatpants past the knee, and points to the calf muscle.) There! See that?
JOEY: That's your calf muscle, honey. You wouldn't be able to stand up and walk without it.
TIFFANY: Really?
JOEY: Sure. Flex that muscle for me. (We see the muscle tightening up. Joey feels it with his hand. He tries to pinch some fat, and comes up with almost nothing.) Doesn't feel fat to me. Where else do you think you're getting fat?
TIFFANY: My arms. (She rolls up a sleeve.)
JOEY: Okay, flex those arm muscles for me. (Tiffany flexes, and he feels her bicep and tricep.) This feels like muscle, not fat. How about your butt?
TIFFANY: My butt is what I worry most about.
JOEY: Lie on your stomach and we'll check it out. (Tiffany lies down.) Now tighten up that right butt cheek. (He fondles the right side of Tiffany's backside.) Now, tighten the left one. (He fondles the other side.) Tiffany, I'm not finding any fat accumulation here. You're not getting fat. You're getting stronger.
TIFFANY: Joey, you're not making any sense. How can somebody gain weight and not get fat?
JOEY: Muscle mass weighs more than fat.
TIFFANY: It does?
JOEY: Yeah, I'm speaking as an athlete here. When I started working out in middle school, I gained weight too, but it wasn't fat. You're picking up muscle mass from that workout class you go to on Friday.
TIFFANY: But I joined that class to keep from gaining weight.
JOEY: You joined it to keep from getting fat. Think of the cheerleaders. Their legs look like yours too, because of those cheer routines. You don't think they're fat, do you?
TIFFANY: No.
JOEY: Well, there you are. If you keep doing the workouts, your weight's gonna stablize soon, probably at no more than 110 or 112.
TIFFANY (thinking hard): So, if what you say is true, I'll have to wear a size six, but it isn't gonna get any worse.
JOEY: Right. Tiffany, you've been underweight most of the time since ninth grade. Now you're finally getting healthy.
TIFFANY: Sandi says a girl can't be too thin or too rich.
JOEY: I know Sandi's your friend, but she's wrong about this. As long as you eat healthy and maintain an active lifestyle, you'll be a six for life.
(Tiffany sniffs again.)
JOEY: What?
TIFFANY (affectionately): Joey, you are the best boyfriend a girl ever had. (She hugs him, and gives him a kiss.)
(Cut to a close up of Joey's face, showing his profound sense of relief.)
INTERIOR. THE MORGENDORFFER'S BREAKFAST NOOK. (Jake, Quinn, Helen and Sandi are all seated at the table.)
JAKE: Here it is, everyone! Salisbury Steak a la Jake. I'm sorry I couldn't fix something fancier for your first night with us, Sandi. Fixing the kitchen plumbing with Serge took up most of the afternoon.
HELEN: By the way, Sandi, thanks for mopping the kitchen floor.
SANDI: No problem, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Glad to help.
JAKE: It's like having both our girls at home again. Sandi's sitting in Daria's old seat. (Sandi shudders.)
HELEN: Sandi, is the air condition set too high?
SANDI: Maybe a little.
(Quinn and Sandi taste the Salisbury steak.)
QUINN (cautiously): This has a unique flavor, daddy.
SANDI: Yes, it's minty.
JAKE (proudly): Fresh sprig!
SANDI (V.O.): I'm sitting in Daria's chair, eating mint-flavored meat. If I'm going to stay here a while, I can at least improve the quality of the food.
SANDI (to Jake): Mr. Morgendorffer, can I cook dinner tomorrow?
HELEN: Sandi, I think that's a wonderful idea.
JAKE: Sounds interesting. What did you have in mind?
SANDI: Oh, something Italian, like lenguini maybe.
JAKE (enthusiastic): We can make chicken alla pesto together!
SANDI: I'd like to try your chicken alla pesto sometime, Mr. Morgendorffer, but I thought you might enjoy the Griffin family recipe for lenguini with clam sauce.
JAKE: Sounds delightful!
INTERIOR. BETTY’S BEDROOM AT THE MORENO APARTMENT. (Betty is Jesse Moreno's sister and a classmate of the Fashion Clubbies. Her bed is unmade, and a Celtic harp and a lute are lying on it. Otherwise, the bedroom is neat. There are large framed movie posters for the first two Lord of the Rings moves on the wall. Through the walk-in closet door, we can see Betty on her knees, bustling around looking for something.
BETTY: Damn it! Where is that thing? It’s not where I put it. (She emerges from her closet, with frustration and anxiety on her face. She leaves the room.)
INTEROR. LIVING-DINING ROOM OF THE MORENO APARTMENT. (Jesse sprawls on the sofa with one arm in a sling. The other is manipulating a remote control. Generic rock music comes from the TV.)
JESSE (to no one in particular): MTV sucks ever since they took those cool cartoons off.
(Betty enters the room.)
BETTY: Jesse, have you seen my video camera?
JESSE: Oh, yeah. I borrowed it for a while.
BETTY: Borrowed it? (irritated) Well, can I have it back now?
JESSE: Can’t. The Harpies are using it.
BETTY: The Harpies? Well, give me Monique’s number so I can get it back.
JESSE: The Harpies took it on tour with them.
BETTY (indignant): What? My video camera is on tour with the Harpies? Is that what you're telling me?
JESSE: Uh, yeah.
BETTY (crossed her arms): How long are they gonna be gone?
JESSE: Till, like, Thanksgiving or something.
BETTY (growing angry): Okay, Jesse. Let me see if I understand this. You borrowed (writes quotation marks in the air) my video camera without asking me first, which is rude. Then, you lent it to the Harpies, also without telling me. Now my $800 video camera is being carried all over hell’s half acre by Monique’s band.
JESSE (not getting it): So what are you saying? You don’t like the Harpies?
BETTY (almost shouting): I like the Harpies fine! I just can’t believe you gave my $800 video camera to a band that’ll be on tour for more than a month, without asking me first. (growls) God! That is so inconsiderate, Jesse!
JESSE: Sorry, sis. Why do you need your videocamera now anyway?
BETTY: So I can videotape Mystik Spiral's Halloween gig.
JESSE: The one where Crazy Julia fills in?
BETTY: Yes, that one.
JESSE: I am so down with that! I'll be there for sure, but an event like this must be recorded for posterity. I sure do hope you find a camera, Betty.
BETTY: Fine. Thanks for your support. (She stomps away agrily. Jesse turns back to the TV.)
JESSE (to himself): Man, I sure do miss Spy Groove.
BETTY (to herself): Burnout Girl’s got a camera. Maybe I could borrow it.
INTERIOR. NIGHT. DARIA'S BEDROOM. (The room is almost completely dark except for some faint light coming through the barred window, which illuminates part of Sandi's sleeping face. A ghostly image of Daria appears seated on the side of the bed.)
GHOST-DARIA (whispers): Sandi. Sa-a-a-a-andi.
(Sandi's eyes open. She sees the Ghost-Daria.)
SANDI: Wha --- what? Daria? What are you doing here?
GHOST DARIA: Welcoming you to my world.
SANDI: I'm just temporarily sleeping in your room. Your world doesn't interest me.
GHOST DARIA: Oh, you're a part of my world now, Sandi. You're going to become an unpopular, geeky brain, just like me.
SANDI: Me, a brain? (She laughs.) Don't be ridiculous.
GHOST DARIA: Oh, yes, Sandi. You see, from sleeping in my bed, you've picked up (dramatic pause for effect) brain cooties.
SANDI: Brain cooties? What are they? What do they do?
GHOST DARIA: They make you start making A's and B's at school, instead of C's. You start reading books you're not required to read at school, and magazines without big glossy photos in them.
SANDI (alarmed): I still go on dates, don't I?
GHOST DARIA (laughing): Dates? Well, maybe once a year.
SANDI: Once a year?
GHOST DARIA: Once a year, tops. You'll quit Fashion Club and join the Yearbook Staff, or Chess Club, or geekiest of all, the Debate Team.
SANDI: D-d-d-debate team! No! I'd sooner die!
GHOST DARIA: And you'll spend your Saturday nights at home, watching old movies on AMC or reading Jane Austen.
SANDI: Jane Austen, who's she?
GHOST DARIA: Oh, you'll find out soon enough. (teasing) The brain cooties are already at work, relentless, merciless, irresistable brain cooties.
SANDI: Brain cooties! No! (She sits up in bed, wide awake and terrified. The Ghost Daria disappears. Sandi speaks to herself.) It wasn't real. It was a nightmare. Get a grip, Sandi. Daria's gone away to college. You'll never see her again. And there's no such thing as brain cooties. No such thing as brain cooties. (She lies back down on the bed.) I hope I don't have to stay here too long.
(EXTERIOR. DAY. OUTSIDE THE COFFEE SHOP SMOKY JO’S CAFÉ ON DEGAS STREET. Andrea, Jennifer and Betty are seated at one of the streetside tables. Betty has just told them about Julia’s gig.)
JENNIFER: Crazy Julia’s playing again? That’s great news, Betty. Of course you can borrow my videocamera. Actually, it’s not mine. It’s my Mom’s, but I’ve been pretty responsible with it, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem.
ANDREA: Betty, I have got to be there.
JENNIFER: Me too, Betty.
BETTY (doubtful): I don’t know, guys. It’s Brittany’s party. The odds of her inviting three so-called “unpopular” girls like us are way, way low. And her house is in a gated community, so you can’t just like walk up and crash the party.
ANDREA: But you said you were going to videotape it, so how are you getting in?
BETTY: Trent promised to sneak me through security in the Tank.
JENNIFER: Fine. We’ll go in the Tank too.
BETTY: What?
ANDREA: Trent owes us big time and he knows it! All three of us have been fans of Mystik Spiral since, like, the Clinton Administration.
JENNIFER: Since last century!
BETTY: But there’s already gonna be four people in the Tank, plus equipment. Then there’s me and the videocamera. Now you’re asking me to sneak in two more girls?
JENNIFER: We're a unit, remember? We do everything together.
ANDREA: Always have, since middle school.
JENNIFER: The best girlfriend in the whole world, my Amy, needs to come too.
BETTY (nervous): Three more people?
JENNIFER: Short version, Betty. I lend you my video camera, and you sneak us in: me, Andrea, and Amy.
ANDREA: Or, in other words ---
JENNIFER and ANDREA (in unison): Find a way!
(Betty stares into her coffee for three beats before replying.)
BETTY: Okay. I’ll figure out something.
DINING ROOM OF THE GRIFFEN HOUSEHOLD. Tom and Linda Griffin, Sandi's parents, are sitting at opposite ends of the dinner table. On one side, their preteen sons Chris and Sam sit. On the other side is a empty dinner place, with a chair. It is Sandi's seat.
TOM: I wonder where Sandi is today.
LINDA: Probably camped on the sofa at one of her girlfriends' houses. She won't be gone for long, trust me.
TOM: You know, Linda, you're in the wrong about this.
LINDA (angrily putting down fork): Tom, repeat after me, 'Sandi, you heard what your mother said.'
TOM: So she wants to skate. I think it's wonderful she's excercising more. After all, she can't could on her teenage metabolism to keep her thin forever.
SAM: Mom, I happen to think it's cool Sandi's a skater.
LINDA (to Tom, ignoring her son): I just don't want her breaking her leg again. We all saw what a basket case she turned into the last time she broke her leg.
SAM: She's gonna be okay, Mom. She's got knee pads, elbow pads, a helmet, and the best skater in town teaching her.
TOM: Sam here is the only person at this table who's actually seen her skate.
LINDA: I saw her skate. She collapsed in a heap on that --- that vertical thing. It was quite alarming.
SAM: Mom, it's called a vert. And when Sandi eats it, she get right back up again. She's dedicated. That's why Amy calls her Warrior.
TOM (proudly): That's my girl. She doesn't give up easy!
LINDA (coldly): Yes, you'd defend her, Tom. You've been trying to spoil her ever since she could walk. She's your little princess! Well, as usual I'm the only one trying to impose any kind of discipline on her. When she comes hobbling back here with another broken bone, it will be your fault.
DINING ROOM OF THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSEHOLD. (Quinn, Helen and Jake are all seated. Enter Sandi carrying a large covered dish.)
SANDI: Ladies and gentleman, I present for your dining pleasure, linguine with red clam sauce!
HELEN: It smells wonderful. Thanks so much for doing this, Sandi.
JAKE: I'm starving!
(Cut to: Quinn, Helen, Jake, and Sandi seated at the dinner table, eating.)
JAKE: Thanks, Sandi. This is feast fit for a king!
SANDI: Thank you, Mr. Morgendorffer.
JAKE: I'll bet it would taste even better with mint --- a fresh sprig!
SANDI: Er, Mr. Morgendorffer, I know this is --- like --- your house and all, but mint would not go well with the other flavors in this dish.
(Feeling awkward, Quinn struggles to put on a cheerful face.)
QUINN: Hey, how about those Lawndale Lions? Four football wins in a row.
SANDI (forcing a smile): Yeah, four in a row. Is that cool or what?
INTERIOR. JANE'S BEDROOM. (Jane sits on the side of her bed, with her arms crossed, looking upset. Around her, on the bed or standing around or on the floor, are Burnout Girl, Amy T., Andrea, Betty, and Jesse with his arm in a sling.)
JANE: Okay, let's summarize here. The Tank is gonna be carrying Trent, Max, Nick, and Crazy Julia. That's the band. And also me, since I'm the roadie. Then we're gonna have Betty with the video camera. That's six. Now, will somebody please tell me again why we have to crowd Jennifer, Amy, Andrea, and Betty in there?
JESSE: And me too!
JANE: Your presence is duly noted, Jesse.
BETTY: I'm gonna be videotaping. Jane, we agreed you'd take me along to videotape.
JANE: Yes, Betty. I did agree to take you along. That's seven. (to Burnout Girl) But you, Jennifer, and Amy, and Andrea? That's ten people, plus equipment.
JESSE: You left me out, Jane. That makes eleven.
ANDREA: You owe us this, Jane.
JENNIFER: We three (pointing to herself, Amy, and Andrea) are Mystik Spiral's biggest fans, from back in the day. Hearing Crazy Julia is a moment in rock-and-roll history, and we deserve to be there.
JANE: I don't know, Jen. Daria could say she's the band's biggest fan.
ANDREA: We were fans of the Spiral when she was still in Texas!
JANE: Guys, this gig is in a gated community. You can't just walk in and crash the party. They have a guest list. The band is on it. I'm on it as the roadie.
BETTY: And you agreed to smuggle me in.
JESSE: I may have a broken arm, but I'm still a member of the band, so I have a right to be there when Julia plays.
JANE: Somebody in this baker's dozen is gonna have to stay behind. Either that or we use one of those clown cars.
JENNIFER: A baker's dozen is thirteen, not eleven.
(Jane lets out a frustrated sigh.)
JANE: Guys, I've never been against sneaking a few extra people into a gig. It appeals to the anarchist in me. In fact, I've sneaked into a few. I just don't know how to do this.
JESSE: Could we, like, ask Trent about it?
JANE: Trent asked me to handle the details, Jesse. This is a detail.
BETTY: I just had an idea! Why couldn't you use two cars?
JANE: Maybe. How many people do we tell the guard are in the band?
BETTY: We'll divide up the band between the Tank and somebody's car. We'll tell the guard we're bringing in four musicians and a roadie. The rest of us will hide in the back of the Tank.
AMY: In our costumes, Elf. It's a Halloween party.
BETTY: In our costumes, yeah. (to Amy) Thanks for calling me Elf. I like that.
JANE: So, we find another car.
BETTY: My mom's got a station wagon. I'll see if I can borrow it.
JANE (to Betty): Fine. Ask. We'll work out something.
INTERIOR. DAY. SANDI'S BEDROOM. (Linda Griffin enters the room, looks around, then walks over to Sandi's walk-in closet and opens it. She steps inside.)
CUT TO ---
INTERIOR. THE INSIDE OF SANDI'S WALK-IN CLOSET. (Linda switches on the light, showing more than half of Sandi's clothes are missing.)
LINDA (angry): She came back and got most of her clothes. The ungrateful little bitch! This nonsense has gone on long enough.
INTERIOR. LIVING ROOM OF THE GRIFFEN HOUSEHOLD. (Linda sits on the sofa, speaking on the phone.)
LINDA: Thanks, Francine. Let me know if Sandi turns up at your house and asks to sleep over. (two beats) Good-bye. (She hangs up the phone, and strikes a name off of a list.) Sandi's not at Tiffany's house, or Stacy's. That leaves (with an angry snarl) the Morgendorffers. (She starts dialing.)
INTERIOR. THE MORGENDORFFER'S LIVING ROOM. (Jake is sitting on the sofa, sipping a martini. The phone rings. At the same time, Sandi can be seen coming down the stairs.)
JAKE (answering phone): Hello? (two beats) No, my wife's not here right now.
SANDI (sitting down on the sofa, and picking up the remote): Mr. Morgendorffer, is it okay if I watch some TV?
JAKE (on phone): What? No, your daughter's not here.
LINDA (telephone voice): Don't lie to me, I just heard her! Tell her I'm coming over to get her right now! She's not eighteen yet. I can do this.
JAKE (on phone): I swear, she's not here. (He glances anxiously in Sandi's direction.)
LINDA (telephone voice): Oh, I think she is. I just heard her voice.
(Sandi immediately jumps up and runs up the stairs, on fast tip-toes.)
JAKE (on phone): That was the TV.
LINDA (telephone voice): I'm coming over to get her right now. I'm her mother. I'm sick of this nonsense. (Telephone hang-up sound.)
JAKE (slamming the cordless phone onto the coffe table): That bitch! How dare she call me a liar like that?
INTERIOR. DARIA'S BEDROOM. (Sandi runs into the room, immediately shuts the door, and runs into Daria's closet.)
INTERIOR. DARIA'S CLOSET. (Daria's closet is not a walk-in like Quinn's or Sandi's, and it's full of Sandi's clothes now. With very little room, Sandi crouches as she pulls the door shut. The closet is completely dark, except for a pair of animated-cartoon eyes, which blink occasionally.)
SANDI (V.O.): One look in this room, and Mom will never believe I live in this house.
INTERIOR. LIVING ROOM OF THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE. (Jake is sitting on the sofa, looking rather nervous. He knows Linda's reputation from Helen. There is a loud knock on the door. He opens it to an enraged Linda Griffin.)
LINDA (shouting): Where is she? Where is that irresponsible, bratty daughter of mine?
JAKE: You can't just barge into my house like this!
(Linda steps into the house, shoving him out of the way.)
LINDA (shouting): Out of the way, Morgendorffer! I'm Sandi's mother, and I'm here to fetch her home.
(Linda angrily starts up the stairs.)
JAKE (angry): Come back here! This is my house! (He starts up the stairs after her.)
INTERIOR. QUINN'S BEDROOM. (Quinn is not here. Linda stalks into the room, her face flushed with rage.)
LINDA (almost at a shout): Sandi! Sandi! This is your mother speaking!
(Linda looks under Quinn's bed, finding nothing. At this moment, Jake pursues her into the room.)
JAKE: Get out! Get out of this house right now!
(Ignoring him, Linda strides over to Quinn's walk-in closet and looks inside.)
LINDA: Sandi? Are you in there? Come on out right now. We're going home.
JAKE: I oughta call the cops right now and have you arrested for trespassing.
(Linda charges out of the room, almost at a run.)
INTERIOR. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY IN THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE. (Linda storms out of Quinn's room and starts down the hall.)
LINDA (hoarse): I see another bedroom down there. (The camera follows her down the hall to the door of Daria's bedroom.)
JAKE (walking in persuit of Linda): I'm calling the cops! I'll have you busted!
LINDA (entering Daria's room): And I'll have you prosecuted for interfering with the custody of a minor!
INTERIOR. DARIA'S BEDROOM. (Linda enters, with Jake immediately behind. She looks around the room in horror.)
LINDA: What's this? Bars on the windows? Padded walls? Models of diseased brains? What kind of sick, perverse person would live in this room?
JAKE (furious): How dare you say that? This is my daughter Daria's room. Daria's a fine girl, and I won't stand for you talking about her that way, you mean old witch!
LINDA: I am not old!
JAKE (shoving Linda towards the door of the room): Get out! Get out of my house, now!
LINDA (backing out of the room): Get your hands off me! (She leaves the room, persued by Jake.)
INTEROR. HALLWAY OUTSIDE DARIA'S BEDROOM. (Linda comes out of the room first, followed immediately by Jake. His face is bright red.)
LINDA: Very well, Jake. I'm going. But I'm swearing out a warrant against you and Helen.
JAKE (hoarse, his voice almost gone): We'll see you in court, then, Linda Griffin, but don't expect to win. Helen's the best lawyer in the state!
(Linda walks quickly away.)
EXTERIOR. THE MORGENDORFFER'S DRIVEWAY. (Linda gets into her car.)
LINDA (to herself): When Sandi gets home I'm grounding her for a year, for causing all this trouble! (She slams the door and backs the car quickly out of the driveway. The tires screech.)
INTERIOR. DARIA'S BEDROOM. (The closet door opens. Sandi steps out.)
SANDI (to herself): Safe, for now anyway. (The outline of the Ghost-Daria materializes beside her.)
GHOST-DARIA: Saved by your brain cooties.
SANDI (to herself): Shut up, Daria. Gee, she really does haunt this place.
JAKE (o.s., feebly attempting to shout): Sandi! Sandi!
(With a troubled look on her face, Sandi runs for the door of the room.)
INTERIOR. LIVING ROOM OF THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE. (Jake is lying on his side just inside the front door, clutching his chest and gasping for breath. Sandi walks rapidly down the stairs.)
SANDI: Mr. Morgendorffer!
JAKE (feeble voice): Heart attack! Nine-one-one! Please!
SANDI: Oh, my God. A heart attack. Gotta find a phone. (She races into the living room and picks up a cordless from the living room table. She runs back to Jake, punching numbers in as she goes.) Hello? Nine-one-one. I need an ambulance! A man's having a heart attack. (She kneels over Jake. Two beats. She speaks into the phone.) Address? Glen Oaks Lane. Damn it, can't think of the house number.
JAKE (feeble voice): Eleven-eleven.
SANDI (on phone): Eleven-eleven Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale. (Two beats.) Oh, thanks so much! Please hurry! (She hangs up the phone, rolls Jake onto his back, and begins administering CPR to him.)
(Cut to: The scene from Jake's point of view, with Sandi's anxious face very near overhead.)
(Slow dissolve to: Helen's face, as we know her from the Daria show.)
JAKE (V.O., feebly): Helen? Helen?
(Slow dissolve to: A much younger vision of Helen's face, with long straight hair parted in the middle, held in place by a beaded hairband.)
JAKE (V.O., barely audible): Helen? I love you, Helen.
(Cut to: Sandi administering CPR to Jake. The ambulance siren can be heard outside.)
EXTERIOR. DAY. A LAWNDALE SUBURBAN STREET. (Various angles of the Lexus coming down the street. Quinn is driving. Helen sits on the passenger side. An amubulance with lights flashing comes roaring past.)
QUINN: Looks like somebody's got a problem. (She looks behind her at the ambulance.)
HELEN: Keep your eyes on the road, Quinn.
QUINN: I will, Mom, but we're getting close to home. I thought maybe one of our neighbors ---
(In the distance, we can see Sandi on her hands and knees in the Morgendorffers' front yard.)
HELEN: Isn't that Sandi?
QUINN: Yeah, and she's acting hysterical!
(The Lexus pulls into the driveway. Sandi is still on her hands and knees, bawling and sobbing. Quinn gets out first and runs up to Sandi.)
QUINN: Sandi, what happened? What's wrong?
SANDI (crying): It's your Dad! He had a heart attack. I tried to do CPR on him. Then the ambulance took him away. I just hope I did some good.
QUINN: What hospital did they take him to?
SANDI: Cedars of Lawndale.
(Helen is getting out of the car.)
QUINN: Mom, get back in the car. It's Daddy --- a heart attack!
(Quinn and Sandi run back to the Lexus.)
EXTERIOR. DAY. THE HOSPITAL E.R. ENTRANCE.
INTERIOR. THE E.R. WAITING ROOM. (A woman doctor, the same one who appeared in Jake of Hearts, comes out to meet an anxious Helen, Quinn, and Sandi. Helen has a protective arm around Quinn.)
DOCTOR: I'm very sorry. I couldn't save him.
QUINN: Are you saying my Daddy is dead?
DOCTOR (sadly): Yes.
(Helen and Quinn hug each other and begin to cry. Sandi makes it a group hug as the doctor walks away.)
SANDI: Mrs. Morgendorffer, your husband's last words were 'Helen, I love you.'
QUINN (still crying): That --- is so sweet!
HELEN (sobbing): Thank you, Sandi, for trying to help.
SANDI (also crying again): You're --- welcome. I just --- wish I could've --- saved him.
INTERIOR. SCHOOL CAFETERIA. (Quinn and Sandi are seated as usual at the Popular Table, facing Stacy and Tiffany).
SANDI: I need another place to stay right now. Quinn and her mom need some time to be alone because of --- you know.
QUINN: Sorry to push you out, Sandi, but Daria will need her room for a couple of days. She's coming home from Raft to go to the funeral.
STACY: I'd love to have you, Sandi, but the guest bedroom's getting repainted right now.
TIFFANY: I'll call my mom and see if you can stay with me. With my brother in college and Daddy in Europe doing scientific stuff, the place is kind of empty.
INTERIOR. TIFFANY'S BEDROOM. (Sandi and Tiffany are sitting on Tiffany's bed. Stacy is lying prone on the floor, reading a college bulletin. There is a stack of others lying on the bed between Sandi and Tiffany. Tiffany picks up one.)
SANDI: I'd like to congratulate you both for getting above 1000 on your SAT's, as did I, which means we can all go to Pepperhill.
TIFFANY (opening a college bulletin): Here's one that's like right next to Daytona beach --- Steadman University. (She opens it and starts reading.)
STACY: I'm applying to Pepperhill, but it's my safety. My first choice is Raft, up in Boston.
SANDI: Isn't that where Quinn's sister goes?
STACY (looking Sandi right in the eyes, as if expecting a challenge): Yeah, it is.
SANDI: Gee, Stacy, doesn't sound like much fun. It's in Boston, which is cold all the time, and there's no decent beaches. And if Daria went there, it's probably one of those brain colleges where they make you study too much.
STACY: I think I can handle it. My SAT score was 1239.
TIFFANY: Hey, that's, like, up there. Way to go, Stacy.
STACY: Thanks.
TIFFANY (to Sandi, pointing at the Steadman bulletin): Hey, look at this stupid bulletin! Steadman offers a scholarship for extreme sports, but they left the "E" off the beginning.
SANDI: A scholarship for extreme sports! Let me see that. (She takes the book away from Tiffany.) Hey guys, look at this! Steadman has a skating competition in January, and the winner gets a four-year scholarship.
STACY (excited): Sandi, do you know what this means?
SANDI: Duh! Once I tell Mom I'm training for this competition, so I can earn a scholarship, she's sure to let me come home, and skate.
TIFFANY: But that means you'll be going to Steadman and not Pepperhill.
SANDI: Well, uh, yeah, it does, (two beats) but I'll keep in touch with you guys.
STACY: With me going to Raft and Sandi to Steadman, that just leaves Quinn and Tiffany at Pepperhill.
TIFFANY: I don't even know if I'm going to college. I might just work on my modeling career instead.
SANDI (without sarcasm): That's wonderful, Tiffany. You have to follow your dream.
STACY: We're all pulling for you, Tiffany. If any of us can make it as a model, it's you.
SANDI: So all four of us will be going different directions. (two beats) Oh, well, we're high school seniors now. Soon we'll have to move on.
STACY: That's kind of sad.
SANDI: The end of an era.
TIFFANY: Yeah, like Fashion Club breaking up.
EXTERIOR. DAY. OUTSIDE GRACE UNITED METHODIST CHURCH OF LAWNDALE. (The Lexus pulls into the church parking lot, and Helen, Quinn, and Daria get out. Daria is wearing much shorter hair than in canon. It barely cover the tops of her ears. Her eyewear is different too, and almost fashionable, with light golden frames and octagonal lenses. Helen and Daria are wearing long black dresses. Quinn is wearing a black skirt with an aqua blouse.)
DARIA: Mom, since when are we Methodists?
HELEN: I signed the whole family up years ago. Eric belongs to this church.
QUINN (to Daria): We came here for a Christmas service once. Don't you remember?
DARIA: Oh, yeah. Once. About three years ago.
(Another car pulls up. Stacy, her mother Maggie Rowe, Sandi, and Tiffany get out. Maggie Rowe looks much like her daughter, except for being 30 pounds heavier, with shorter unbraided hair and a couple of lines on her face. Their voices sound virtually identical.)
TIFFANY: Thanks for giving us a ride, Mrs. Rowe.
MAGGIE: No problem, Tiffany. (She sees Helen and walks up to her.) Helen!
(Helen, who knows Maggie Rowe through their daughters' friendship, turns and sees her.)
HELEN: Maggie, how nice of you to come.
MAGGIE: Helen, I'm a widow raising a daughter, myself. I know just how you feel right now. (They exchange a hug. Meanwhile, Daria notices Sandi and approaches her. Sandi is surprised. Daria has seldom appeared on Sandi's radar screen, and vice versa.)
SANDI: Eh, hey, Daria.
DARIA: Hey.
SANDI: You always did look good in black.
DARIA: Thanks. Sandi, the family appreciates your attempt to save my father's life.
SANDI: You're welcome, Daria. I'm just sorry I couldn't save him.
DARIA (angrily): He'd still be here if he'd taken care of himself like the doctor told him too. (two beats) We'd like you to sit with the family.
SANDI: You would? Really?
DARIA: Yes, because of the CPR.
SANDI: Okay, thanks.
(Stacy hurries up to Daria and Quinn, almost at a run, with tears running down her face.)
STACY (hugging Quinn): Oh, Quinn, I'm so sorry this happened. We're here for you.
QUINN: I know, Stacy. Thanks for coming.
(Stacy releases Quinn and embraces Daria. Although neither of them says anything, Stacy holds Daria for a second or two longer than she held Quinn. Sandi notices this.)
INTERIOR. THE SANCTUARY OF THE CHURCH. (On the front pew, we see Helen sitting next to the aisle, with Quinn beside her, then Jane, then Daria, then Aunt Amy, Aunt Rita, Grandma Ruth Morgendorffer, and Sandi. No others of Jake's kin are there. The church is about half full. Some of the other mourners are background characters from the episode "I Don't." One of them is Luhrmann, who sits in the second row right behind Daria. Tiffany and Stacy are also in the second row. Linda Griffin enters and sits inconspicuously on a pew by herself at the very back. A large coffin is mounted in front of the altar, containing the mortal remains of Jake Morgendorffer.)
EXTERIOR. DAY, LATE AFTERNOON. PARKING LOT OF THE CHURCH. (Daria, Quinn, Helen, and Jane come out of the church together. Jane gives Daria a hug, then gets in her car and drives away. Daria and Quinn get in the Morgendorffer family Lexus. Helen is about to get in the driver's seat when Linda walks up.)
LINDA: Helen, on behalf of the Lawndale Businesswomen's Association, I'd like to extend my condolences on the occasion of your loss.
HELEN: Thank you, Linda. (It is an awkward moment. Helen and Linda haven't spoken in some years.) You'll have to excuse me. We're leaving for the burial in Virginia.
LINDA: I understand. If there's anything I can do to help, you know where to find me. (She extends a hand, but Helen is already climbing into the car. She shuts the door and starts the engine. Linda sighs and starts toward her car. The hearse leaves. The Lexus leaves right behind them. At this point, among many other mourners, Sandi, Tiffany, Stacy and Mrs. Rowe come out of the church. Seeing Sandi, Linda approaches her. Sandi stops and turns toward her.)
LINDA: Excuse me, Sandi. Can we talk for a minute?
SANDI: Sure, Mom, just a second. (She looks toward Mrs. Rowe who's about to get in the car.) I'll only be a minute. (To her mother) What's up?
LINDA: Sandi, I really miss having you around. Why couldn't you take up a less dangerous hobby?
SANDI: Mom, I'm ready to come home.
LINDA (pleased): Wonderful! I trust there will be no more nonsense about skating on that terrible (making a face) vert?
SANDI: Mom, if I told you I could earn a four-year college scholarship by winning a skating competition, would you let me skate?
LINDA (surprised): A four year scholarship? For skating? Are you serious?
SANDI: Of course I'm serious. Steadman University offers a scholarship for skating. (She reaches into her purse and shows her mother the Steadman bulletin.) Look on page 42.
LINDA: Steadman? I'm impressed. My cousin Caitlin went there. They have a good business school. (She opens the book.) You're telling the truth. A scholarship for skating. Who knew?
SANDI: The competition is in January. My SAT scores, you will recall, are good enough to get in.
LINDA: If this skating thing can earn you money for college, Sandi, then I'd say it's worth the risk. (Affectionately.) Welcome home, honey. (Mother and daughter exchange a hug.)
LINDA (still hugging Sandi): But let me warn you: Now that you're in training, I'm gonna make sure you spend plenty of time at the skate park. Is that clear?
SANDI (with a grin): Yes'm.
EXTERIOR. DAY. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL, DURING LUNCH HOUR. (Betty, wearing her elvish language T-shirt, is walking across the campus with a magazine under her arm.)
BETTY (V.O.) I've had a crush on Jamie White every since middle school. I'm not sure what it is. His blond good looks, the cool hairstyle, how he carries himself in his football uniform, or maybe it's just that voice. Only problem was, he's been obsessed with Quinn ever since she got here. Now the word is, he's lost interest in her. He's figured out he's never gonna get her, no matter what happens. So, Elizabeth Lucille Mereno, time to make your move.)
(The three Jays are lounging together under a tree, when Betty comes up with a magazine under her arm.)
BETTY: Hey, guys, are you going to Brittany's Halloween party?
JAMIE: Hell yes!
JOEY: Tiffany would kill me if I didn't take her!
JEFFY: Will Quinn be there?
JAMIE: Sure, stupid! Quinn goes to all the coolest parties.
BETTY: That's good, 'cause I have a costume idea that would be perfect for you guys. You could come as three orcs from the Lord of the Rings movies. Can I show it to you?
JAMIE: Sure! (Betty sits down beside Jamie, and opens the magazine, which is a fan costuming magazine.)
BETTY: Here's some examples of orc costumes. I guarantee, you three will be the scariest guys there.
JOEY: But would Tiffany like it?
JEFFY: Who cares? The real question is, will Quinn like it?
JAMIE (to Jeffy): Dude, you just don't get it. If any of us had a chance at Quinn, we'd have got her by now.
JOEY (angry): I gave up on Quinn the night she humiliated me at the door like that. (two beats) But I think Tiffany would be SO impressed by an orc costume.
BETTY (with a fond look at Jamie): That's good, Joey. I know a costume shop in town that could fix you right up. But it would be really cool if all three of you came as orcs, and came in together.
JEFFY: Would that impress Quinn?
BETTY: Definitely.
JAMIE: So, guys, are we all on board here for the orc costumes?
(Jeffy and Joey adlib their agreement.)
JAMIE: Thanks for the suggestion, Betty. (Their eyes meet.) It was very nice of you to come by and, like, give us a tip like this.
(Jeffy leans back, folds his arms behind his head, and gazes longingly at the sky.)
JEFFY (to himself): If Quinn really likes my costume, maybe that'll take her mind off that wussy Serge Du Pont.
BETTY: Excellent! (She smiles, without taking her eyes off of Jamie.) Here's the phone number of the costume shop. My friend Andrea works there. She went to school here. Remember? Wore lots of black, and a nose ring? Tell her Betty sent you. (She pulls three pieces of paper out of her purse and hands them to the three Jays, but still looking at Jamie.) I'm looking forward to seeing how it works out. See ya there! (She gets up to leave, with a knowing wink for Jamie. As she walks away, Jamie fondly watches.)
JOEY: Jamie, dude, what's going on between you two?
JAMIE: You two? Me and who?
JOEY: You and Betty. I wasn't born yesterday. I could see chemicals reacting. You guys got a thing for each other. Don't deny it.
JEFFY: Yeah, Jamie, what about that? I thought you were crushing on Sandi, because of the skating.
JAMIE: Sandi's cool too. There's nothing wrong with a guy playing the field.
JEFFY: Whatever! This way, there's less competition for Quinn.
INTERIOR. SANDI'S BEDROOM. (Sandi is standing beside her bed, where parts of her Halloween costume are laid out: cargo pants, a cartridge belt, and a cutoff black tee.) SANDI (V.O.): My costume for Brittany's party is almost ready. I just need to get a wig, and the clothing budget for October is running low. (She looks toward the door.) Hey, I just thought of something.
INTERIOR. THE MASTER BEDROOM AT THE GRIFFEN HOUSEHOLD. (Linda Griffin is lying on her bed, fully clothed, thoroughly beat on returning home from a business trip. Sandi enters the room and sits down on the bed beside her.)
SANDI: Mom, can we talk for a minute?
LINDA: I suppose so, honey, as long as it doesn't take too long. I just got back from Seattle, and the jet lag is really getting to me.
SANDI (seriously): Anyway, Mom, because of Mr. Morgendorffer's death and all, I've been thinking about how hard you and dad work to provide a home for me and Sam and Chris.
LINDA (with a groan): Honey, you are so right!
SANDI: I've taken it for granted, but now I just want to say I appreciate all you do.
(Tired though she is, Linda pulls herself up to a seated position and reaches for her purse.)
LINDA: Why, Sandi, that was really sweet. (She gets a 50 dollar bill out of her purse and hands it to Sandi.) Here, go get yourself something nice.
SANDI (taking the bill): Thanks, Mom. (They hug and kiss. Sandi leaves the room.)
INTERIOR. SANDI'S BEDROOM. (Sandi stands in the middle of her room, holding the crisp new fifty before her face. She kisses it.)
SANDI (to herself): Everything is getting back to normal.
FADE OUT