FRANKENFISH
Directed by Mark A.Z. Dippe
Featuring Tory Kittles, K.D. Aubert, China Chow, Donna Biscoe,
Reggie Lee, Noelle Evans, Matthew Rauch and Muse Watson
2004
Silver Nitrate Pictures/Columbia Home Video

I must have walked past the "Frankenfish" cover box a few dozen times before actually breaking down and renting it one day. I think what finally sold me on it was finding out that K.D. Aubert was one of the stars. Some may know her as Money Mike's girlfriend in "Friday After Next", or her similar role in "Soul Plane" as Kevin Hart's love interest (where they refer to her as "the black Angelina Jolie" on the commentary track). And for the record, yes I did like those last 2 movies a whole lot, and yes I am the type of guy who would listen to the commentary for a film like "Soul Plane". Come over here and make something of it! Yeah that's what I thought.
The unfortunate thing is that most people are going to recognize K.D. Aubert as one of the original Fanta girls from those god-awful soda commercials. Let me digress for a minute. This is my website isnt it? Okay, so if you're the person who came up with the "don'tcha wanna Fanta" jingle, you are going to hell because you've created a scourge on humanity. Fanta is a good drink, it has been around for years, I understand the need to make consumers aware through TV advertising, but god damn that song. Just god damn that song. It was more irritating than someone eating tin foil. Right now you might be thinking, "hey, just change the channel if you don't like it." That only works if it's on a TV. I was subjected to that horrid song in an extended version no less, trapped in a MOVIE THEATER. I had actually paid to see a movie and had to sit through that commercial.

But just as Aubert has moved on to being in the Bacardi & Cola commercials, I'll move on and get to the actual movie review.

"Frankenfish" begins with a poor old black fisherman being yanked from his boat into the water, dying a horrible screaming death at the hands (or fins, as it were...HAHAHArrrgh) of our title monster. Big shock, a black man gets killed first, right? Well stay with me here.
The story centers around a forensics cop (Tory Kittles) investigating the sudden appearance of a horribly mutilated body in some backwoods swamp. He and a local scientist (China Chow...what's with these names? Kittles and Chow? "Now with real beef flavor!") venture out into the bog in search of what the hell kind of creature did this, and stop it before it does any more harm.
Once our heroes arrive at a small group of boat houses way down the river, most of the film takes place there. We meet the lovely K.D. Aubert , her asshole white boyfriend, and her superstitious mom. There's also an amusing pothead couple who like to lay around completely stoned and naked on their front porch (those of you looking for topless girls will get your fix a few times in this film, but not from the leading ladies). Muse Watson (the killer from the "I Know What You Did Last Summer" films) has a standout role as a good guy fisherman who helps out the investigation, and rounds out an interesting enough cast of characters for this flick.

"Frankenfish" might look cheesy but is actually a kickass gory monster movie, playing like a cross between "Anaconda" and "Piranha". There's plenty of action, suspense, and even some shockingly grotesque kills. Director Mark Dippe, whom I only knew as the director of that atrocious "Spawn" live-action film from the 1990s, proves that he can make a really good movie if he's not obligated to deliver a PG-13 piece of fluff for the kiddies. Why this film went direct to video and that piece of dreck "Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid" opened in theaters nationwide is beyond me. "Frankenfish" kicks that movie's ass a million times over.
It's also worth noting that the main hero characters in "Frankenfish" are all non-whites. Tory Kittles and K.D. Aubert are really good and so is China Chow, actually it's the bad guys that are redneck crackers! This is truly a rare thing to see in a horror film. Sad but true. So not only is this movie fun and gory (the monster fx are way better than those in larger films like "Van Helsing") but it's also progressive-minded as far as casting for the lead roles is concerned. Way to go, guys.

While it remains to be seen if K.D. Aubert will actually live up to the moniker of "the black Angelina Jolie", she's always a joy to watch (except in a Fanta commercial. And what a kick in the ass to find that my grocery store quit carrying pineapple Fanta, one of the best drinks ever made!) so hopefully she'll get cast in more films and leave the commercials behind for good. "Frankenfish" might end up being her "Cyborg 2" if things turn out for the best.

(January 2005)