SEXY ADVENTURES OF VAN HELSING
A Film by Max Von Diesel
Featuring Erika Smith, Darian Caine, A.J. Khan,
Isadora Edison, Andrea Davis, and Bob MacKay
2004/ Seduction Cinema

Seduction Cinema has made more lesbian vampire flicks than I care to count (and I've reviewed nearly all of them, it seems), but one of them always stood high above the rest: 2000's VAMPIRE SEDUCTION. Sure, it was rough around the edges, and was basically just one softcore lesbo make-out scene after another, strung together by a very thin plot. But what set it apart from other SC releases like VAMPIRE OBSESSION, CARESS OF THE VAMPIRE, MY VAMPIRE LOVER, etc. was what happened in between the 'Skinemax' moments. Read my original review and you'll see just why it still holds up as a great little movie.

In a stroke of genius, Seduction Cinema decided to re-make VAMPIRE SEDUCTION and get everything right this time. The new movie, THE SEXY ADVENTURES OF VAN HELSING, takes everything that made the original movie so good, and builds on it to make a truly solid, incredibly good erotic spoof. Erika Smith (the 'dumb' stripper from Brett Piper's BITE ME!) plays nerdy college student Wilhelmina Van Helsing, who discovers it is her destiny to destroy Dracoola (Darian Caine), the daughter of Count Dracula.

SEXY VAN HELSING is of course much better in terms of production value than the original. This time out, they not only shot the entire movie on high-end digital video, but they've got some really nice-looking sets and props as well (the graveyard and Dracoola's tomb were both outstanding). The lighting is far superior, yet everything still has that B-movie quality that one would expect from such a movie. Seduction Cinema has greatly improved the look of their films over the past couple of years, and I'm sure that has opened many doors for them (cable TV, film festivals, etc.). People seem to be more willing to watch something that doesn't appear to have been shot on a camcorder.

Where this movie succeeds most, however, is in the writing. VAMPIRE SEDUCTION had a good storyline, but the character of Van Helsing was reduced to basically just a peeping tom. He spent the majority of the film oogling women, and never really brought Dracoola her lesbians (a sequel, VAMPIRE VIXENS, was actually SC's first attempt at re-making this story, but the result wasn't much better). SEXY VAN HELSING has a much more solid structure: rather than being a half-retarded voyeur, Van Helsing is actually quite smart, gathering lesbians for Dracoola in order to distract and kill her. And this way, the lesbian sex scenes are actually part of the story (a hurdle that many SC films in the past never seemed to be able to get over)! I think the only part I could have lived without was the recycled sex footage from LORD OF THE G-STRINGS; who'd have imagined they could run out of that stuff?

As far as the performances go, Erika Smith is extremely likeable as Wilhelmina Van Helsing. I thought I'd miss John Fedele as Wally Van Helsing (from the original), because he really was funny, but Erika is even funnier. You can put glasses on a beautiful woman and put her hair up (like they do in a lot of movies to make a pretty girl 'ugly'), but Erika also uses a dorky voice in combination with some very convincing body language to completely sell it. She is so good that you actually don't mind the lengthy dialogue scenes between her character and her dead uncle Edward (Bob MacKay, in a role inspired by AMERICAN WEREWOLF's "Jack"). Isadora Edison did an outstanding job as one of the gaggle of lesbians, taking an minor role and making something memorable out of it with a quirky performance. And if anyone has the right to replace Tina Krause in the role of "Dracoola", it's Gonzoriffic favorite Darian Caine. Her comedic chops are a great match for Erika Smith's, and their scenes together are the best in the movie, second only to the diner scene with A.J. Khan (whose impromptu 'sex-ed' lesson had me in tears). Perhaps if they'd gotten Debbie Rochon back...ah, it wouldn't have worked with the new script anyway. Debbie could have played the sandwich and stolen the scene, but I digress. I was happy to see that my favorite bit of dialogue from the original movie survived:

VAN HELSING: What's in it for me?
DRACOOLA: I will give you eternal life!
VAN HELSING: My life sucks! What else ya got?

DVD EXTRAS:
Some real thought went into this package, because in addition to a substantial behind-the-scenes feature (sadly without Darian interviews), they included the original VAMPIRE SEDUCTION as an extra on the disc, with optional commentary by E.I . Cinema head cheese Mike Raso. As a fan since the Brain Escape days, I was fascinated listening to this track. Raso comes across as a very honest guy, detailing the history of his company in between talking about what went into making the movie, as well as sharing some advice for the legion of would-be filmmakers out there. I have always thought that SC's older films needed DVD commentary tracks, so this was a long overdue treat for me. There's plenty of time to talk, what with the numerous "T&A" scenes that go on and on, and Raso makes the most of it by doing everything from responding to online reviews of the film (like Joe Bob did in his excellent I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE commentary) to speculating about how big a star Tina Krause may have become had she not chosen to step away from acting in skin flicks.

Seduction Cinema can keep re-making their old movies as long as they continue to pay tribute to them in such a way. THE SEXY ADVENTURES OF VAN HELSING is a much-appreciated gift to those of us who have stuck with this company for so many years.

(July 2005)