[Mr. Garrison's Classroom] Cartman: [Singing]Today's a good day. Cartman is handing out envelopes. Cartman: Here you go Kyle. And here's yours Stan. Kyle: What is this Cartman? Cartman: They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend. Stan: Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year? Cartman: That's right! [Singing]Cause it's my birthday, my b-b-b-birthday. Kyle: Kick ass dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever. Cartman: That's right! Stan: Yeah, if my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat-ass too. Cartman: That's right, HEY! Pip: Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitiation. Cartman: Oh really, gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation. Oh, I remember, I shoved it up my ass! Yes, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then, bloop, shoved it right up my ass. Forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry Pip old chap! Cartman continues handing out the invitations. Cartman: Here's yours Wendy, and here's your's Clyde. Mr. Garrison: Children, children, today is a very special day. Cartman: No, my birthday isn't until Saturday. Mr. Garrison: I'm not talking about your birthday Eric. We have a new student joining our class today. Cartman: Ahhhh. Mr. Garrison: Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate...uh, what's your name again? Damien: Damien! [Some weird latin-like chanting begins.] There are flames in Damien's eyes. Mr. Garrison: Say hi to Damien! [Silence] Mr. Garrison: And where are you from Damien? Damien: The seventh layer of Hell! Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting. My mother was from Alabama. [Weird chanting] Damien: My arrival denotes the end of the beginning, the beginning of the end. The new reign of my father. Mr. Garrison: Your father? Damien: The Prince of Darkness. Mr. Garrison: Wow, we have royalty in our class. Damien: Why don't you take your seat Damien, we're going to finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era. Mr. Garrison begins erasing some of the chalk board. Mr. Garrison: Now children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass. Her and a lot of blonde.... Cartman: Hey new kid, do you want an invitation to my birthday party? Damien: Here begins the rule of pain, the new domination of.... Cartman: Psyche! I wasn't going to give you an invitation! Hehehehehe. Hey, who cuts your hair, Stevie Wonder?!? [Weird chanting] Fire appears in Damien's eyes. Cartman's desk lifts into the air and flips upside down. Cartman falls to the ground. Cartman: Ehhh. The desk flies out the window. Stan: Whoa dude! Kyle: Damn, what a freak! Cartman: Hey, I had a poofie pie in that desk! Damien: Now feel the wrath of the fallen angel! The plague of night is upon thee. Mr. Garrison: Damien, do you need to sit in time-out for a few minutes? Cartman: Heh, [singing]you got in trouble, you got in trouble. [Cafeteria] Stan: Hey Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green MegaMan"? Kyle: Yeh, mine says "Red MegaMan". Cartman: Right, that's what you're supposed to get me for my birthday. Stan: Dude! Eh. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday. Kyle: Yeh, that's weak. Cartman: Look, it's very simple guys. Green MegaMan goes with Red MegaMan and Yellow MegaMan to make the Ultra-Mega-MegaMan. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see? Stan: Up yours Cartman, I'll get you whatever the hell I want. Cartman: Ohh, so maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie and ice cream then? Stan: Oh, Green, Green MegaMan it is. Cartman: Now, as you can see Kenny, you are to get me...Yellow MegaMan. That's because Yellow MegaMan is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is. Damien tries to sit in with the kids. Stan: Hey, what do you think you're doing, new kid? Cartman: Yeh, you can't sit with us, weirdo! Damien: Infidels, I will turn you all into beasts of burden! Kyle: You can't sit with us new kid, go find another table. Cartman: Ehhh, eh, anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two. [Laughter] Kenny socks Cartman in the face. Cartman: Hey! Damien moves to sit with Pip. Pip: Oh, good day Damien. My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me. Damien: Then I will call you Pip. Pip: Right-o. Stan: Hey new kid. Kenny says he saw your mom drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog. Kenny: I said she looks like a fucking bitch. Damien: That does it! Woofda! [Weird Chanting] Stan: What the?!? Kyle: Dude, he turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus. Stan: A what?!? Kenny: Quack-quack. Cartman: Hey! Turn him back you butthole, he has to buy me the Yellow MegaMan! Chef: Hello there children. Stan: Hey Chef. Chef: How's it goin'? Kyle: Bad. Chef: Why bad? Kyle: Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo-freak. Chef: Oh, children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song. Chef: [Singing]We're all special in our own way, everybody's different, but that's ok, cause even though we might have different colored skin, different points of views, be tall or thin, it doesn't mean I can't lay you down woman. And touch your silky skin, put my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been, rub you leg, caress your thighs, and.... Uh, what were we talkin' about again? Kyle: The new kid! [Weird Chanting] Damien: Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angel now makes for you all! Stan: Whoa! Chef: Oh, that is one fudged up little cracker! Kyle: We told you dude. Stuff and kids begin flying about the cafeteria. Kid: Ahhh. Chef: We've got to do something children, he's tearing my cafeteria apart. Damien: Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak with Jesus! Kid: Ahhhh! Stan,Kyle: Jesus? [Dressing room of Jesus] Roland: Two minutes to air, Jesus. Jesus: Thanks Roland, blessed art though. Stan: Jesus, Jesus! Jesus: Hi, hi kids, I only do autographs after the show. Stan: No, no, there's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up wearing all black, and, and Chef thinks he's evil. Kyle: Yeh, look what he did to our friend, Kenny. Kenny: Quack-quack. Jesus: Wow. That's pretty heavy. Stan: This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around, and saying stuff about his dark prince father coming. He says he wants to talk to you! Jesus: The Dark Prince! Stan: Yeh. Kyle: Yeh. Jesus: So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the son of the evil one. Stan: Oh brother, now he's talking like the new kid. Jesus: Thou must taketh me to the seedling of Satan so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth. [Silence] Kyle: Kay. [Playground] [Whistle] Old lady: Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards. Cartman has a chart displayed on the playground. Cartman: Now, as you can see, the Red MegaMan uses the MegaCycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the MegaPower Chopper, illustrated here. But, I'm changing your present to the Yellow MegaMan, since Kenny has been turned into a duck-billed platypus. That means that the MegaMan Beach House, illustrated hyah, will be a gift given by two people at one time, cause it costs more money. [Weird Chanting] Damien ignites a football Damien starts a slide on fire. Kid: Ahhh. Bebe: Our slide. Damien: Feel my wrath! Damien lights up a see-saw. Kid: Buhhhh! Pip: Oh dear, you shouldn't be so upset Damien, I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday. Damien: I don't need acceptance, I'm the son of satan. A jungle gym is torched. Kid: Ahhh! Pip: What do you mean? I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely. Jesus: Damien! Damien: Ahh, Son of Stench, Cursed Ruler of the Weak. Jesus: So it is thou, Son of Lucifer. Damien: Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes. Jesus: Let him come then, I shall stop him. Clouds obscure the sun. Damien: Behold, he is already upon us. Klye: Oh, dude! [Satan is speaking in something that may be latin] Jimbo: What the hell is going on here? Priest: Look, it's that guy from the public access show. Lady: What's happening? Chef: Come over here if you're scared, women. I'll protect you. Mr. Garrison comes over and grasps Chef. Chef: Not you damn it! [Satan continues speaking in tongues] Damien: Jesus, my father says, he chooses you, he calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow. Here the terms will be discussed. Jesus: Very well, let the final battle between good and evil be fought right here in South Park! Jimbo: Come on Ned, we've got to get our asses to the booky. Stan: You're gonna fight Satan? Jesus: This fight has been ordained since the beginning. My children, this is the most crucial and serious time, of all history. [Cartman's House] [Television commercial] Commercial Voice: Who will win our soul?!? Our Saviour and Lord, or the Prince of Darkness? It's the final battle between good and evil, and it's only on PAY-PER-VIEW! Jesus versus Satan, live from the South Park Forum on Saturday! Call now to order, only $49.95. Cartman: Hey, wait a minute, Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday! Kenny: Quack-quack. Stan: I don't know what to do dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday? Cartman: Cartman's birthday! Kyle: We can't miss the final apocoplytic battle between good and evil. Cartman: You guys, my mom's getting a ferris wheel. Stan: Well, come on, we, we have to at least have to see the weigh-in Cartman: Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh!?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!? [Commercial] [Downtown South Park] Priest: When is Satan going to show up? Stan: Did the devil show up yet? Jesus: Not yet. Kyle: Hey Jesus, if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal? Jesus: What the hell do you mean, "if I win the fight?" Cartman: Don't mind him Jesus, [whispered]he's jewish. Jesus: Oh. Jimbo: We're all with you Jesus, we put every dime we have on you beating that Dark Prince. [Cheering] Jesus: Thank you for your faith, but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation. Priest: You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus! [Cheering] [Weird Chanting] A fire appears from the street. Jesus: Behold, the evil one approaches. Satan arrives with a groan. [Gasp] Mr. Garrison: Holy poop on a stick. Satan: Puny Son of Jehova, prepare to enter thy house of pain! Stan: Holy crap dude, Satan is huge! Jimbo: Now that is a man who's eaten a lot of beef. Satan: Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits. Jesus: Oh, oh yeah. Townsman: Damn. Satan: I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee. Jesus: Oh yeah. Satan weighs in. Weigh-In Announcer: Satan weighs in at, 320 pounds 4 ounces. [Gasp] Weigh-In Announcer: Jesus Christ weighs in at 135 pounds 1 ounce. [Ahhh] Chef: Oh crap. Jesus: Oh, come on, I weigh more than that. Satan: Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world. Jimbo: Well, uh, I think I'll uh, I, I, I think I left the oven on. Mr. Garrison: Yeh, I think I left your oven on too. Priest: Uh, see you Saturday Jesus, good luck. [Sports Betting Bar] Townsperson: Change my bet. Townsperson: I'm betting on the devil. Jimbo: I want to change my bet to Satan. Ned: Me too. Mr. Garrison: Hey, wait, wait, I was here first. [Counselor's Office] Counselor: Now uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. Mmmkay. Being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend. Mmmkay. Damien: Everybody hates me. Counselor: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is? Damien: Because I'm the son of the devil? Counselor: Uhhuh, that's a good start, why else? Damien: Because I burn them and kill them? Counselor: Well, yeh, maybe that's it. What, what, what you need to do, uh, Damien, is, is, to be overly nice. See, no, no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. You be passive, okay. That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now. [Playground] Clyde: I bet I can spit the most on him. Clyde spits on Pip. Bebe: Oh yeah, I bet I can spit in his hair. Bebe spits in Pip's eye. Pip: Ohh, nice try. A little higher and you've got it. Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing. Cartman: Ohh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey, thanks a lot for burning everything down you little bitch. Damien: I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice. Cartman farts on Damien. Cartman: Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice. Stan: Whew, you stink new kid, you smell like a fart. Kyle: Yeh, we're gonna call you fartboy from now on. Stan: Bye-bye fartboy. Kyle: See ya. Pip: Good day, how are you Damien? Damien: Those kids farted on me, and then called me... Pip: Fartboy, oh good, perhaps they won't call me that anymore. [Local South Park Bar] Jesus clears his thoat. Jesus: Excuse me! I just talked to the booky at the sports betting bar. Chef: Uh ohh. [Whistle] Jesus: I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning. In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me! Priest: You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Betting against your Lord and Saviour, I am disgusted! Jesus: Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too. Priest: Oh, ho, right, well, he does have a couple hundred pounds on you Jesus. Jesus: I implore you all, don't bet on the dark one, it is a bet that you will never win. Priest: Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm going to march right over to that booky and change my bet right now! Mr. Garrison: Oh, yeh, yeh. Yeh, me too, me too. Jimbo: Yeh. Priest: Praise the Lord, thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light. See you later. Jesus leaves the bar. Priest: What the hell, does he think we're all crazy? [Laughter] Mr. Garrison: Yeh, gravy. Jesus sticks his head back in. Jesus: You're all a bunch of Judas'!!! [Outside the Bar] Stan: Hey Jesus. Jesus: What are you doing out so late kids? Kyle: We have to find red and green MegaMans for Cartman's birthday party. Jesus: Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan, right? Stan: Su, su, sure dude, you're the Son of God. Kyle: Yeh, you're not having any doubts, are you? Jesus: No, no, no, but could you help me train a little? [Press conference] Reporter1: Satan, what do you expect the outcome of the fight to be? Satan: I will crush him, like a little bug. Reporter2: Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War? Satan is taken aback, but begins to respond. Don King: Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talking smack about my fighters. All this, he's mean, he's a dirty fighter, he's the cause for all the violence and death in the world. It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring. [Boxing Gym] Cartman: You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents? Kyle: Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs. Jesus: No way dude! Chef: I, I, I can't. I can't hit Jesus Christ, my mother would never speak to me again. Stan: But you're his sparring partner Chef. Kyle: Yeh, you have to hit him. Jesus: Satan must be defeated Chef, please help me to train. Chef: Okayyy, but I'm just going to tap you, alright? Jesus: Give it your best shot. Chef slugs Jesus. Jesus: Ohhh! Jesus collapses to the mat. Chef: Oh, God in heaven, what have I done? Jesus: Did anybody get the number of that truck? [Commercial] [A carnival-like atmosphere pervades Cartman's home] Ms. Cartman: Come on kiddies, eat more. Cartman: Welcome Clyde, please put your present on the table to the left. Clyde moves to the left. Cartman: Welcome Bebe, presents go to your left. Bebe moves to the left. Cartman: Welcome Chef. Chef: Yep, here's your present children. Well, a nice party, see you later. Kyle: Hey, you just got here Chef. Chef: I know, but the fight is starting. Stan: Dude, check it out, Cartman's mom made chili. Cartman's mom winks at Chef. Ms. Cartman: Mmmm. Chef: Mmmm, it's my favorite kind of chili. [Somewhere in South Park] Damien: I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's birthday party. Pip: Yes, it's always such a huge event. Sometimes I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there. Damien: The other kids have always hated you? Pip: Oh yes. Actually, I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too, but now I think they like him because he picks on me. [Ding] Damien has a huge grin on face. [South Park Forum] Ring Announcer: In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere one-hundred forty pounds, Jesus, el saviorrrrr, Christ! [Cheering] Ring Announcer: And in the very, very black corner, wearing very, very black trunks, the king of all that is evil, Beeeeeeeelzzebub! [Cheering] Jesus glares back. Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumbllllllllle! Referee: Okay, I want a good clean fight. No punches below the belt, holding or miracles. [Ding] [Cartman's Party] Cartman: Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing here?!? Stan: Yeh, you aren't invited new kid! Kyle: And neither are you Pip! Pip: Yes, I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but.... Damien: Wait a minute. Give me a chance, I want to do something special for your party. [Weird Chanting] Demons appear from the ground and cast Pip into the sky, amid great flames. Kyle: Wow! Stan: That was cool! Kyle: Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien. Cartman: Yeh, come on in and join the party. [South Park Forum] [ding,ding,ding,ding,ding,ding,ding] Jesus is being pummled to a bloody pulp. [Cheering] Jesus glares out at the crowd. Satan: Come on you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch. [Cartman's Party] Cartman: Oh, I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday. Oh, look, a blue MegaMan. Thank you Stan, you may eat pie and cake and ice cream now. Stan gets up to get get some food. Cartman: And what did Wendy get me? Oh, it's the yellow MegaMan, help yourself to pie, cake and ice cream Wendy. Wendy gets up for her food. Cartman: Oh, look what Kyle got me, it's a red Mega.... Ants in the pants? Ants in the pant! Ants in the Pants! Kyle: It's a game dude, it's really fun. Cartman: You son of a bitch! Cartman attacks Kyle. Kyle: Ahhh! Cartman: You were supposed to get me the Red MegaMan, now I can't make Ultra MegaMegaMan, you dirty cheap ass piece of crap! Kyle: They were all out of them dude! Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die! Kyle: Ahhh! Cartman: That's it, party is over, everybody go home! Cartman switches off the party. Cartman: Get the hell out I said! The party's over! Get out, god damn it! Stan: Whoa dude, you need to mellow out. Cartman: Take your stupid Ants in the Pants with you! Cartman throws the box at Kyle, connecting with his head. Damien: Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems. Stan: Ahh, he does this all the time. Chef: Come on children, we can still catch the end of the fight! Pip: Ahhh! Pip falls to the ground. Pip: Ohh, what a splendid party. [South Park Forum] Jesus continues to be pummled. Satan: Fight damn it. [Commercial] [South Park Forum] Jesus: Ow! Uhh! The kids arrive at the fight. Stan: Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked. [Ding,ding] Stan: You've got to fight Jesus! Jesus: Why? What's the point, nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan. My father forsake me, the town forsake me, I'm completely forsook. Stan: Somebody bet on you Jesus. You said yourself that one person still has money on you. Jesus: It doesn't matter, he's way too strong for me anyway. I give up. Stan jumps up on the apron. He's holding himself up on the second rope. Stan: God damn it Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up, when things looked their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best. She wouldn't stop until she was number one. Kyle: Uh, Stan. Stan: Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second best. Kyle: Stan. Stan: She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold! Kyle: Stan! Stan: What! Kyle: Nancy Kerrigan got the silver dude, she came in second. Stan: Really? Kyle: Yeh dude. Stan: Oh, nevermind Jesus, Nancy Kerrigan sucks. Jesus sips some water, then spits into the bucket. Stan: You know, somebody once said, "don't try to be a great man, just be a man." Jesus: Who said that? Stan: You did Jesus. Jesus: You're right Stan. Thank you boys! [Ding] Jesus removes his halo. Kyle: Wow, did he say that in the bible? Stan: Nah, I saw it on Star Trek. Kyle: Hmm. Jesus begins avoiding a pummling Satan: Come on sissy, hit me. Hit me! Jesus: Okay pal, you asked for it! Jesus winds up and... barely taps Satan. Satan: Ahhh, you got me. Satan falls to the canvas. Referee: One, two, three... Jimbo: No way! He barely touched him. Referee: seven, eight, nine, ten, you're out! [ding,ding,ding,ding] Stan,Kyle: Our saviour! Ring Announcer: The winner by knockout, and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdom, Jesus, el saviorrr, Christ! Satan gets up. Mr. Garrison: Hey, he isn't hurt, he took a dive, he threw the fight. Jimbo: Yeh. Satan: Fools, you're all fools. Of course I took a dive. Don't you see, who do you think was the one person who bet on Jesus to win? [Silence] Satan: Me you idiots! Now I will take all of your hard earned money, and return to hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, [something]. Hahahah. Priest: I don't believe this! Mr. Garrison: Yeh, what a mean thing to do. Satan: Farewell fools. Jimbo: Man, that guy is a jerk! [Boooo] Stan: Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan. Mr. Garrison: Boy, did we get screwed. Chef: Jesus, we're sorry, can you ever forgive us? Jesus: Ahh, heck, do I have a choice? [Cheering] Jimbo: Well Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Never bet on evil, cause when you do...Ned, look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus, it's comin' right for us!!! Jimbo opens fire on Kenny. Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny. Kyle: You bastards! Rats begin picking at Kenny's corpse. Damien: Well, goodbye guys. It was nice getting to know you. Stan: You're leaving already. Damien: I have to. My dad's always on the move. Stan: Wow, I feel kind of bad for that kid. Kyle: Yeh, just when he was being accepted, he has to leave and start all over. Stan: Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security? [Cartman's House] Ms. Cartman: More pie hon? Cartman: Eh. No...More...Pie...ehh..ehh. [fin]