[Anthropological Dig] Anthropologist:And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. We did 'em up, polish 'em off and find over 12 new arrowheads every month. Cartman:Borrrring. [Laughter] Mr. Garrison is reading the RCKY MTN News. Mr. Garrison:Eric, keep quiet, I'm trying to sleep. Anthropologist:Now, can anybody tell me, who left these arrowheads here? Stan raises his hand. Stan:Isn't that your job? Anthropologist:Well, ya, yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything. Stan:Oh! Anthropologist:Ok, I tell you what. Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pick-axes that were handed out and we'll, we'll dig for our very own indian arrowheads. [Cheering] The kids start picking. Cartman:Day is never finished, massa got me working, someday massa set me free. Stan:Dude, shut up Cartman! Pip:Oh! Oh! I think I found one! Cartman:No, I found it! Pip:Oh, I do believe I found it first. Cartman:No, I did Pip!! Pip:Oh dear. Cartman:Well, guess we'll have to roshambo for it. Pip:What do you mean? Cartman:Well, first I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. And we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead. Pip:Oh, I uh well, I suppose if I must. Cartman:Ok, ready? I'll go first. Cartman winds up. Cartman::Eh. Cartman kicks Pip squa' in the nuts. Pip:Ooohhhhhh!!! [Laughter] Pip starts coughing in pain. Pip:Well, I, I guess you win. Cartman:Oh, I don't care, you can have the stupid arrowhead, I don't want it. Cartman throws the arrowhead at Pip. Cartman returns to picking. Cartman:Day is never finished, massa got me working...Oh look! I found another one. Cartman looks at his new 'arrowhead'. Cartman:Ah, this is just a stupid triangle! Cartman throws the triangle towards Kyle. Kyle:Whoa, check it out dude! Kyle picks up the triangle. Kyle:It's got little drawings on it. Stan:What is it? Kyle:I don't know. The triangle begins glowing. Stan:Whoa!! Kyle:That was cool! Cartman:Hey, give me that back! Kyle:You threw it away Cartman! It's mine now. Cartman:We'll roshambo for it. Kyle:No way fatty, it's mine. Cartman:Anthropologist!!! Anthropologist:How's it going boys? Cartman:I found a magic triangle, and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me! Kyle:You threw it away fatso! Anthropologist:Hmmm, let me see that. Kyle hands the anthropologist the triangle. Anthropologist:Why this is anasalsi writing. My God, this must be thousands of years old. Cartman:Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it. Kyle jumps up and grabs the triangle from the anthropologist. [On the News: Tom:And finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadrapelegic Swiss man on a pony. Dave:Thanks Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object. Kyle:Well, I was just digging around and I was all like, 'Dude, I found this triangle,' and my friends were like, 'dude.' And I was all, 'dude.' Cartman:And I told him, I said 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me, so I kicked him squa' in the nuts, and he cried like Nancy Kerrigan. Kyle:You liar Cartman! Cartman:Screw you triangle thief!! Tom:And so the little boy will take his discovery home, and perhaps donate it to science, a little later. Back to you Dave. Dave:Thanks Tom, those are some cute, cute kids. Except for that last one, he's a little tubby. Cartman:Hey!!! [Kyle's House] Stan:What are you going to do with it dude? Kyle:I'm going to put it in my room where Cartman can't find it. Cartman:Oh, I'll find it, don't worry! Kyle goes into his room, closing his door behind him. Cartman:God damnit, give me my triangle Kyle, seriously! Stan:You did throw it away Cartman. Cartman:I was just setting it aside. Stan:Well, you might as well let it go. Cartman:Never! I'll get that triangle if it's that last thing I do. [Cafeteria] Chef:Gimmie little bit of that pepper, gimmie little bit of that salt, put it in the skillet and cook it... Leonard:Excuse me sir. Chef:Can I help...hey, you're that movie critic guy on TV. Leonard:Leonard Maltin, yes. Chef:Well I'll be a teenage girl backstage at an Aerosmith concert, Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria. I'm Chef. Leonard:I know who you are. You must listen to me Chef, we have precious little time. [Weird music] Leonard:Have you seen Barbara Streisand recently? Chef:Barbara Streisand, you mean like, the Barabara Streisand? Leonard:Have you seen her!?! Chef:No, not since "Yentl." Leonard:Thank God, then I'm not too late. Chef:Too late for what? Leonard:Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are. Chef:Why do you care? [Bus Stop] Stan:I have a button we can use for his nose. Kenny:Yeh, and I have .... Kyle:What would we use a marble sack for? Cartman:Be careful where you put that carrot, Kyle might steal it! Kyle:I didn't steal anything. Cartman:Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him. Kyle:Good!! The sound of a chopper approaching can be heard. Cartman:What's that noise? A large pink helicopter lands near the boys. Stan:Whoa! Cartman covers his butt. Cartman:Ah! Aliens!! Barbara Streisand emerges from the bowels of her helicopter. Babs:Who is the boy on saw on the news report tonight? All fingers point to Kyle. Babs:Hello there little boy, do you know who I am? Kyle:No. Babs:Uh, I bet you do.[Singing]I'm going where there's lucky clovers in the s.... Kyle:Ahh! Stop that! Stan:Yuck, that sucks dude! Babs:I'm Barbara Streisand! Kyle:So. Babs:So, hmm, huh, well, so I'm a very famous and very important individual. Stan:Like John Elway important? Babs:What?!? Stan:Do you know John Elway? Babs:No. Stan:Oh, so you're really famous and important, but you don't know John Elway? Babs:Uh, look, little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here, you know what I'm talking about? Kyle:Yeh. Cartman:No, I found it, he stole it! Kyle:You threw it away Cartman! Cartman:I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief. Babs:Little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle? Kyle:Yeh, how'd you know? Babs:Ok, now this is very important, where is the Triangle of Xenthar now? Kyle:Triangle of Xenthar? Stan:Why do you want to know, lady? Babs:I'm not talking to you, you piss ant little hick! Stan:Whoa dude! Barbara picks up Kyle and begins shaking him. Babs:Where is the triangle damn it?!? Kyle:Ahhh!!! Barbara drops Kyle. Barbrady:What seems to be the problemo here? Babs:Problemo, huh, there's no problemo officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys. Cartman:Nuh uh, she's being a total bitch! Barbrady:Boys, shouldn't you be in school? Stan:It's Saturday. Barbrady:No excuses! Move along you little trouble makers! The kids walk away. [Silence] Babs:Well? Barbrady:Well what? Babs:You know who I am, don't you? [Silence] Barbrady shrugs. Barbrady:Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rats ass! Babs:Ahhhh!!!! Barbrady:Oh! What a bitch! [Kyle's house] Chef:I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin. Leonard:Damn, then we must look for them elsewhere. Chef:Now come on man, what is this all about? Leonard:If Barbara Streisand saw the same news report I did, then those boys are in grave danger. If you were Barbara Streisand, where would you be right now? Chef:Hmmm. Chef has a vision of Tom's Rhinoplasty. Leonard:No, no. I mean, where would she be staying? Chef:Oh, uhh, well, I always heard that Mrs. Streisand had her own four million dollar condominium up near the ski slopes. Leonard:Where?!? Chef:Uh, I don't know, it, it was just a rumor. Leonard:Damn it man, where is your car?!? [Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar Condominium in the Mountains] Babs:He has it Milo, that little bastard has the Triangle. Milo:Are you sure? Babs:I'm sure! He knew about the symbol of Krulak! Milo:Then why don't we go get it? Babs:A cop showed up, he's a clever one. I can't blow everything now that I'm this close. Everything must be handled very carefully. Barbara pulls a book out from a bookshelf. There is a button on the book. She presses the button. The bookshelf rotates 180 degrees, revealing one triangle and a stand for another. Babs:How many years has it been Milo? Thirty? Forty? For so long I have waited to find the other triangle. And now I am so close, the Dawn of Xenthar is close at hand! Barbara lets loose an evil laugh. [Commercial Break] [Kyle's Bedroom] Mission Impossible like music begins playing. A hole is cut into the ceiling. A rope is lowered into the room. Somebody in black is breaking into Kyle's Room. A light turns on Ike:Cookie shang. Cartman drops a picture. Kyle:Cartman? Cartman:You scared the crap out of me Ike! Kyle:What the hell are you doing? Cartman:I'm trying to get my tri...wait a minute, I'm not talking to you. Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was trying to get my triangle back? Ike:A turtle bed. Kyle:Well Ike, you can tell Cartman that it's my triangle! Ike:Cookie Monster. Cartman:Well, you can tell Kyle that he's a dirty God damned son of a bitch! Ike:A total nerd! Kyle:Alright, alright, if it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle! Cartman:Huh? Kyle:If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damn thing, here! Kyle hands Cartman the triangle. Kyle:There, now get out of my house, and I hope you feel really, really good about yourself. Cartman:Hell yeh I do, I got the triangle. [Singing]I got the triangle, I got the triangle, you don't, you don't. Cartman leaves Kyle's room. [Mountain Road] Leonard:Are you sure Barbara Streisand has a condo up here? Chef:It was just a rumor. A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos. Leonard:Then we've got to keep looking. Chef stops the car. Chef:Alright, Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough! I ain't drivin' another mile 'til you tell me what this is all about. [Psychotic Music] Leonard:Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity that Barabara Streisand exhibits? Chef:Well, I always heard that she was kind of a bitch. Leonard:More than a bitch Chef! She's a calculating, self-centered egotistical bitch! She was born in a small town. Her mother was a jackal, and her father was an insurance salesman. Chef:Oooh, insurance salesman? Leonard:When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer, but by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the universe. She learned of an ancient diamond, the Diamond of Pantheos. Chef:Ok, you know what, nevermind, I don't need to know all this. Forget I asked. Chef starts driving again. Leonard:Before she was seven, the keepers of Pantheos learned of this insane little girl's wish. The diamond was split up, and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of "My Fair Lady," Barbara Streisand found one of the triangles. Chef:And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has? Leonard:Yes Mr. Chef. If Babs gets a hold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy, and become the most threatening thing known to mankind...MechaStreisand. [Dramatic Music] Chef:MechaStriesand?!? Oh man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good. [Bus Stop] Stan:Man, the bus sure is late. Cartman:Hmm, I wonder what I should do with my triangle, now that it is my triangle. Kyle:Damn it Cartman, I gave it to you so you would shut up! Barbara Streisand pulls up wearing a Groucho Marx get up. Babs:Oh, hello there, little boys. How are you today? Stan:Fine. Babs:That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones, and I am a very friendly, nice person. I hear that one of you found my triangle. Kyle:Your triangle? Babs:Yes, you see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it because without it I was sure to die within hours. Cartman:Oh no you don't! Finders keepers! Babs:But I'll die. Cartman:Well, I guess we'll have to roshambo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me squa' in the nuts as hard as you can. Babs:I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. It's worth a lot of money to me. Cartman:It is? Stan:Hey, no wonder that Barbara Streisand lady wanted it. Babs:Oh, hehehe, who is that? Kyle:Oh, just the really, really old lady that wished she was still only forty-five. [Laughter] Stan:Yeh, and you should have seen her nose, it was big enough to land stealth bombers on. [Laughter] Cartman:Yeh, and talk about a beatch, I haven't seen.... Babs:Enough!! The kids look shocked. [Dramatic Music] Babs:Oh, ha ha. Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you. I, I mean, uh, uh, give you money, for the triangle. Cartman:Sweet, I'm gonna be rich. Bet you wish you wouldn't have given me back that triangle now, huh Kyle?!? Dumb ass! Kyle:Wait, isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers? Cartman:No, not when money's involved, stupid. [Straight to Video Studios] Director:And, action. Sidney:Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any other, with dreams and emotions, and that's why I'll never stick a foreign object up my ass. Director:Cut, great, print that. Excellent work Sid, take five guys, let's set up for the next shot. Sally Struthers begins stuffing her face. Seashell Chicks:Hello. Sidney:Ho. Seashell Chicks:You must hurry. A young man has found the Triangle of Xenthar. Sidney:Where? Seashell Chicks:A small piss ant white bred mountain town in Colorado called South Park. Sidney:Excellent! [Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar Condominium in the Mountains] Babs:Soon, the Triangle of Xenthar will be mine. And I will be the biggest, most famous person ever! Cartman:Eh, let me go, seriously! Stan:Yeh, let us go. Babs:You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with. I'll teach you to meddle with my triangle! Cartman is in a rack. He begins being stretched out. Cartman:Hey! It's not my triangle, it's Kyle's. Kyle:Hey, don't try to pass it back on me, fatass! Cartman:You, screw you hippie! Ehh! Babs:Where is the Triangle of Xenthar?!? Cartman:I don't remember. Kyle:God damn it, tell her! I want to go home. Babs:Maybe this will help jar your memory. Cartman:No, don't! Babs:[Singing]This is plain ole... Cartman:Ahh, stop that! Babs:Now do you remember? Cartman:Ehh, damn your black heart Barbara Streisand! Stan:Oh, I don't know how much more I can take dude. Babs:Alright, you asked for it! Babs:[Singing]I'm gonna tell you now.... Kids:Ahhhhh!!! [Mountain Road] Chef:Uh, I don't know man. Maybe Barabara Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all. Leonard:Well, it looks like we'll have to go to Plan B. Chef:There's a Plan B? Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for, when there's a Plan B? Leonard:Have you ever heard of the band called 'The Cure?' Chef:Ah come on. Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too. Leonard:No, no, just the lead singer. Leonard appears to be in pain. Leonard:Ah. Ah. Chef:Whoa, what's the matter Leonard Maltin? Leonard:She's close. She's very close, I can feel her. Chef:Where? Leonard:She has the boys. They're, they're in trouble. Chef:Oh fudge! Leonard:Keep going this way, hurry. [Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar Condominium in the Mountains] Babs:[Singing]A business with you is like happiness. Kids:Ahhhh. Cartman:Ok, ok, I'll tell you where the triangle is! It's inside my shoe. Milo takes the triangle out of Cartman's shoe. Kyle:Oh, for Christ's sake Cartman, when's the last time you changed your socks? Cartman:And I suppose your socks smell like the Botanical Gardens. Babs:Finally! The triangle is mine! After centuries of waiting, I finally have the Triangle of Xenthar. Barbara connects the two triangles together. Babs:Now, the Diamond of Pantheos is complete. The Diamond begins spinning and sparking in mid air. Babs:Sigai, konayowa atarashi agi maruta, i makara atashien nonamaywa! Stan:Whoa dude! Babs:Mecha Babura Streisanda!! Stan:Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here! [Downtown South Park] MechaStreisand appears. [Screech] Jimbo:Holy crap Ned, that's the biggest God damned deer I've ever seen! [Commercial Break] [Downtown South Park] Newscaster:So, just weeks after the devastating attack of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself, once again, be.... [Screech] MechaStreisand begins her destructive rampage. Newscaster:Oh, God damn it, not again! Japanese Dude:Barbura, Barbura, ...ito, Barbura, Barbura.... [Mayor's Office] Assistant:Mayor, Barbara Streisand is.... Mayor McDaniels:I noticed! Call the National Guard! [Screech] Mayor McDaniels:Oh, we'll get you, you bitch! [Screaming] MayorMcDaniels:And to think, I actually watched your HBO special. [Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar Condominium in the Mountains] Chef:Children! Kids:Chef! Leonard:Oh no! No! She's joined the two triangles?!? Cartman:Yeh, she stole my triangle! Stan:Get us down from here. Chef:I, I can't break these locks. Leonard:Stand back Chef. Leonard:Marutan-ray. A red beam bursts from Leonard's eyes, cutting the locks that bind the kids. Kyle:Whoa, that was cool! Leonard:I've got to go after MechaStreisand. Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of the Cure at this number. Stan:Robert Smith? Sweet. [Robert Smith's Recording Studio] [Phone Ringing] Robert:Hello. Chef:Uh, yes, is this Robert Smith of the Cure? Robert:Yes it is. Chef:This may sound kinda strange, but, Leonard Maltin asked me to call you. Robert:Ohh, so Barbara Streisand's found the other triangle, eh? [Downtown South Park] Guard:Alright men, give her everything you've got! [Screech] The National Guard opens fire on Mecha Streisand. The weapons have no visible effect. Ned and Jimbo are flying in. Jimbo:Get around side 'her Ned, I can't get a shot in from here. Ned:Ok. Ned gets around side of MechaStreisand Ned:Ah, ah, I'm scared. Jimbo fires a rocket in at Mecha Streisand. It has no apparent effect. MechaStreisand smacks Ned and Jimbo's chopper away. Japanese Dude:Barbura, barbura.... Guard:It's no use, our firepower has no effect!! [Street in South Park] Sheila:Oh my God, it is you! Oh I am such a huge fan Ms. Streisand. I never thought I'd live to see you in person! [Screech] Sheila:I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph, my sister would die! [Screech] MechaStreisand takes the autograph book and signs it "Babs". Sheila:Oh, thank you Ms. Streisand! [Screech] [Screaming] Mr. Garrison:We're doomed, good bye Mr. Hat. Japanese Dude:Barbura, Barbura. Leonard:Barbara!!! [Screech] Leonard:Kite, kite, uribu. Leonard Maltin becomes Ultra-Maltin. Japanese Dude:Ultura-Leonard Maltin. MechaStreisand and Ultra-Maltin begin fighting. Chef:Look out children! The children scatter. Kenny finds himself in a playground. Kenny smacks a tether ball. The tether ball gathers Kenny up by the neck. Kenny:Oh no!! Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, ahhh. Kenny is choked to death by the tether ball. Stan:Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Kyle:You bastards! Sidney Poitier flys in. Sidney:What's going on here? Chef:Sidney Poitier? Sidney:That's right, I'm Sidney Poitier. Chef:Damn man, it's nice to meet you. The Sidney Poitier in my home town. Sidney:Barbara Streisand has found the Triangle of Xenthar? Chef:Yep, she's made the Diamond of Pantheos alright. Sidney:Kula, kulaski. Sidney turns into a giant turtle. Japanese Dude:MegaPoitier, MegaPoitier, sokuro danei, MegaPoitier, MegaPoitier.... Chef:Is that really necessary? MegaPoitier attacks MechStreisand, only to be thrown into the mountains. MechaStreisand proceeds to kick Ultra-Maltin's ass. Chef:It's over. She's too strong for them. We'll have to leave town. Cartman:Make her go away. I hate Barbara Streisand! I hate her! Stan:My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are, aren't there Chef? Chef:We have to say goodbye, to South Park. MechaStreisand continues her rampage. Townswoman:Oh my God!!! Help me!!! [Screech] Robert:Am I too late? Chef:Who are you? Kyle:Dude, it's Robert Smith of the Cure! Cartman:Sweet! Robert:Here, you boys hold this walkie, you can help me fight her. Robert Smith hands a walkie-talkie to Stan. Chef:You can try Robert Smith, but that thing just the crap out of Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier. Robert:I have to try. I can't let Barbara Streisand do this to the entire world. Robert Smith turns into Mothra Japanese Dude:Robert Smith, Robert Smith, nashuwaga ski-RobertSmith. [Screech] The windows in buildings are destroyed by Robert Smith's Screech. [Screech] An equal amount of destruction results from MechaStreisand's wail. Leonard Maltin appears, looking a little worse for the wear. Leonard:We must tell him that her weak point is the nose. Stan:Robert Smith, hit her nose, use robot-punch. Kyle:The Diamond of Pantheos. She must be powerless now. Stan:Quickly Robert Smith, she's powerless. Robert Smith proceeds to kick MechaStreisands ass. Japanese Dude:Robert Smith, Robert Smith. Robert Smith casts MechaStreisand into space. MechaStreisand explodes. Fireworkds appear below. Stan:He did it! Kyle:No more Barbara Streisand, ever! Stan:Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived. Jesus:Our Saviour. Robert:Can I have my walkie-talkie back now please? Cartman:No way, you gave it to us, it's mine now. Robert:Alright, I'll roshambo you for it. Ready? Cartman:Heh? Robert Smith kicks Cartman squa' in the nuts. Cartman:Eh! Ahhh! Robert Smith walks of into the sunset. Chef:Hey, where's he going? Stan:Goodbye Robert Smith. Cartman:Thank you for your help. Visit us again. Kyle:Disintegration is the best album ever! [Commercial Break] [Kyle's House] Stan:Well, what should we do with the two triangles now? Kyle:We've got to get rid of them. Nobody should have the kind of power Barbara Streisand wanted. Kyle throws the triangles away into a little trash can. Stan:Well, at least I have this sweet walkie-talkie Robert Smith gave me. Cartman:No! That's my walkie-talkie, he gave it to me! Stan:Damn it Cartman, don't you ever learn anything? Ike jumps into the trash can. Cartman:Come on Stan, it's mine! I'll roshambo you for it. Stan:Go to hell Cartman. Kyle:Well, that whole experience sure did suck. Stan:Yeh, I'm sure glad that's over with. But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always - end up dead. Kyle:Yeh. Cartman:Yes, and I've learned something too: Robert Smith kicks ass! The ground begins shaking. Cartman:Oh no, she's back!! Stan:Oh my God, look!! [Screech] Kids:Ahhhh! MegaIke!!!! [fin]