WRITTEN - August 1995

First Performed December 14th 1995, Sutherland Memorial School of Arts, NSW. as part of `SCROOGED' (festival of short plays on the theme of Christmas) by Roundabout Theatre and Community Projects

Cast -
LYDIA - Anna Collins
JULIANA - Sally Anne Schulz
GARY/JAY - Andrea Moggridge
FRANK - Nigel McPaul
RAY - James Wallace
MARNIE - Corinne Cavanagh
PAM - Amanda Peterson
CHRISTIAN - Dean Barry
GABBY - Josh Ewes
FLO - Roberta Tuckwell
ALISON - Megan Oliver
CHARLOTTE - Nicole Ketelaar
YOUNG MAN - Ryan Paranthoiene

Directed by Sally Dixon.

ABOUT `THEY SOLD THEIR SOULS TO SANTA'

This was my stab at a bonafide capital C Christmas Play. I always liked it because the audience loved it, the actors enjoyed performing it, and it tells a simple story effectively, which to my mind are the essential elements of good theatre. It was the last play I wrote before winning the award (August 1995, while I should have been studying for the HSC) and marks the end of the era when I could simply turn out plays with ease, and in a very short period of time, which I believe is the best way to write. SANTA was a spontaneous, unpremeditated play, written on a given impulse which allowed the themes to coalesce more naturally and the play to be more uncontrived, a method I find frustratingly difficult now. After winning the award, I found it difficult to write at all for some time and still have not wholly rediscovered the feeling of being able to write without abandon any more.

I always wanted to write a Christmas play but in an atypical way - it's a time of year conducive to dramatic situations, as anyone knows. It's one of those times we take notice of because we are instructed to place it in the `memories' section of our minds. The play was conceived as a riff on the Christmas pantomime crossed with the domestic drama, which is more or less what I achieved. There seems to be two types of Christmas plays - ones based on `A Christmas Carol' and those based on the Nativity (observe any sitcom Christmas episode for evidence of this), mine obviously being the latter. A lot of people tried to draw autobiographical conclusions on this play (and looking back I can see their point) but I can honestly say that the only character that was drawn from real life was Marnie (everyone who knew her real-life counterpart recognised her straight away, but I better not say who she is). The relationship between Marnie, Lydia, and was based on the one between Molly, Darlene and David, on `Roseanne' (don't underestimate sitcoms for source material. They are more like a stage play than any other form of TV, and they have to be sharper and more engaging because a theatre audience doesn't have the option of changing the channel). It was performed in December 1995 as part of a series of plays about Christmas, called `Scrooged'.

By the way - watch out for your subconscious, especially when you're writing unlikeable characters. You never know which family member or acquaintance you might accidentally base them on!

CAST (7 female, 6 male - JAY is doubled by the actor playing GABBY) :-

GARY (DAD) - Lydia's father. Wants Christmas Lunch to go well but would rather man the barbecue than actually do anything constructive. Kindly but passive.

JULIANA (MUM) - Lydia's mother. Stubbornly insisting to herself that she is not at all flustered about hosting Christmas Lunch. Determined to make sure a Christmasy Time Is Had By All.

LYDIA - The main character. A teenage girl going through an `aggression and antagonism' stage. Thoroughly disgruntled with the whole commericial concept of Christmas and engendering an intense dislike of her cousin Marnie.

FRANK - A friend of Lydia's Dad. The sort of large, garrulous man whose every gesture is noisy and enormous, but with a good nature. Being set up with Pam after a nasty separation.

RAY - The son of Frank who has come along to the Christmas Party because his girlfriend dumped him on Christmas Eve. Evidently going through a similar stage to Lydia and garbed in similar clothes.

CHRISTIAN - Marnie's younger brother. The sort of child that no amount of Anne Geddes shots could make cuter, more endearingly innocent and sweet - minded.

MARNIE - Lydia's cousin. An airhead. but sometimes a little more on the ball than she initially appears. The sort of girl that this time last year was listening to Girlfriend but now thinks Silverchair `go off'.

PAM - Marnie and Christian's mother. Young, rich, brainless and shallow. Being set up with Frank after the latest divorce.

JAY - A friend of RAY's who lives nearby. A generic teen in a football jersey.

GABBY - Jay's younger brother. To cut a long story short, angelic.

FLO - Lydia's grandmother. Terse and not at all doddery. On far more of a rapport with Lydia and more similar a character to her than Juliana is.

ALISON - Marnie's sister. The kind of nine year old that makes death by flagellation seem not archaic or questionable at all.

YOUNG MAN - Jay's uncle. Biblical - looking.

CHARLOTTE - Alison's younger friend who looks upon her with quiet awe but spends most of her time being bossed around by her.

Setting :-
A normal suburban household which is hosting the annual family Christmas party. A decoration of some sort exists on nearly every surface. On stage right is the backyard - an outdoor dinner table, all set for Christmas lunch. In the corner is a barbecue surrounded by cooking paraphenalia (this can be situated offstage instead if one is not available) . On stage left is the kitchen and lounge room - a kitchen table, Christmas tree, stereo and lounge. For SCENE 3 this part of the stage can be covered in old sheets and surrounded by junk to emulate a garage. The guests - excepting Lydia and Ray - wear suitably `Christmasy' attire.

SCENE 1 - The guests arrive. The kitchen, where Juliana is making brandy butter and Lydia is looking sullen. There is a ring at the doorbell)

JULIANA - Will you get that, darling ?

LYDIA - Oh terrific. This'll be the Baywatch Family.

JULIANA - Shhh! Lydia . If you're going to be in one of your moods today ...

LYDIA - Okay, okay.

(Pam enters, with Allison, Charlotte and Marnie in tow and the sleeping Christian in her arms)

PAM - Helloooo! Sorry I'm late but the kids got me up at 4:14 to open the presents. Lydia! Goodness, you've lost some weight!

LYDIA - (With false sincerity) Well, you know what I say, Aunty Pam. If you're gonna binge, you better purge ...

PAM - You know what? That's exactly what I say to my girls, too!

MARNIE - We're just like twins, Lyd! Aren't we?

(She tries to hug her. Lydia jerks away.

PAM - You and Marnie are so alike!

(Lydia coughs to cover up her laughter.)

LYDIA - Yes we are. Although she looks like she could do with a little more of the purging. Ow!

(Juliana kicks her under the table and begins to sprinkle a little brandy in the brandy butter)

MARNIE - Oh, Lyd, you're such a crackup! You should be on Seinfeld or something!

PAM - Oh look, Jules ... your brandy butter is always so ... so wimpy! Let me take this, hm?

(She takes the brandy bottle and sprinkles it liberally into the bowl.)

JULIANA - What did you get for Christmas, Marnie?

MARNIE - Ohhh, look! I got my CD player! Aaaand a giant teddy bear!

LYDIA - How handy. A companion you don't even have to blow up.

MARNIE - Oh he's so cute! Look, Lyd! Look at the diddle bitty Teddy! (she hands it to Charlotte, who is overwhelmed by its size) Now I know why Mum told me to leave out a doona cover instead of a stocking!

LYDIA - Geez. You can tell someone's in it for Jesus.

ALISON - Where's my present, Aunty Juliana!? I want my present NOW!

PAM - Alison, say please, darling.

(Juliana distributes the presents.)

MARNIE - Ohhh! A Silverchair CD!

JULIANA - To match Lydia's!

LYDIA - Great. I'm so thrilled.

ALISON - I thought I asked for a Paper Making Kit!

PAM - Alison, say thankyou, darling.

(She throws it down and amuses herself dropping Santa chocolates into the bowl of punch on the counter)

JULIANA - Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't get Alison's little friend a present.

ALISON - Well she can have mine. I hate it, it sucks!

PAM - (threateningly) ALISON! Don't give away your gifts!

JULIANA - (to Charlotte) And how old are you, sweetie ?

CHARLOTTE - I'm five and a half. I'm turning six on April 6th.

JULIANA - Oh, how sweet.

(She looks ruefully at her own niece)

ALISON - (to Charlotte) C'mon. Let's go and put beer in the non - alcoholic punch.

(They leave).

MARNIE - What'd you get, Lyd?

LYDIA - Nothing. And would you stop calling me that, I'm not what you screw on top of a cranberry sauce jar!

MARNIE - (innocently) Oh. Do you prefer bench tops then? (an evil look is exchanged between both girls) How come you got nothing?

LYDIA - I told Santa to donate it to the Bosnian War Appeal.

MARNIE - (aghast) But... but why'd you do that?

LYDIA - Well I just don't think getting giant sized Teddy Bears has a whole lot to do with the birth of some guy who eventually got nailed to a tree, that's all.

JULIANA - Don't be ridiculous, Lydia. Of course we got you something.

LYDIA - But Mum, I told you not to!

JULIANA - There's just no pleasing you, is there?

LYDIA - I'm not opening it.

MARNIE - I'll open it for you.

LYDIA - Get bent!

JULIANA - Lydia!

MARNIE - It's all right Aunty Juliana. It's just a stage she's going through. We learned about it in Society and Culture.

LYDIA - D'you ever learn about Medieval Diet Torture?

MARNIE - What's that ?

LYDIA - They used to take you to a place like Gloria Marshalls.

MARNIE - Yeah ?

LYDIA - And feed you pigs guts and rabbit heads and things. And then you'd die of embarrasment trying to squeeze into your size ten swim suit.

MARNIE - Ohmy God, How embarassment!!! We never covered that. (laughs innocently) It sounds awful.(innocently) Were you ever subjected to it?

LYDIA - (dropping the charade) I was about to ask you the same thing.

DAD - (sensing fireworks) Well, better fire up the ol' barbecue. Gotta get those snags under way. Have you seen our new barbecue, love ?

MARNIE - Uh ... no Uncle Gary.

DAD - She's a beauty. All teak finish, teflon coated hotplate...

MARNIE - Oh. Sounds really great Uncle Gary.

DAD - Hey. How'd you like to come and christen her, ay ?

LYDIA - Yeah, why don't you do that, Marnie? After all, a flame job can't be that different from a ....

JULIANA - LYDIA! That's enough!

(Marnie gives up, smiling. DAD, delighted, leaves discussing his BBQ with her. Lydia fumes.)

LYDIA - God, it's enough that all the bloody drunk relatives have to come, I've gotta put up with the world's first living Barbie Doll!

JULIANA - Listen. I don't care if she's not nice to you. The Christmas Season is about suffering in silence.

LYDIA - Silly me, I always thought that was Easter. Is that stupid drunk jerk friend of Dad's coming?

JULIANA - Yes, Frank is coming. He's bringing his son along, and you'd better be nice to him. Frank reckons he's just broken up with his girlfriend and he took it a bit hard.

LYDIA - Goody goody gumdrops. Let's all play with Frank Junior.

JULIANA - Besides, he's dressing up as Santa for the kiddies. You've got to admit that's very nice of him.

LYDIA - Hmph. It'll probably turn them off Christmas forever.

JULIANA - And .... well, with Aunty Pam a little bit lonely after the divorce and everything ... and Frank still hasn't found anyone ....

DAD - Juliana, could you come out here for a sec? I accidentally got some fat in the fat tray!

JULIANA - (leaving) I'm keeping my eye on you, young lady.

(Flo enters.)

FLO - G'day Lydia. God, here we are again at the annual Christmas Extravaganza. Thank God it only comes once a year.

LYDIA - You read my mind, Gran.

FLO - Oh ... look , I bet your mum didn't put enough brandy in the brandy butter. She never does. Always comes out weak as a wet Kleenex. Needs that oomph.

(She empties still more brandy into the brandy butter and stirs)

DAD - G'day Flo! Hey, guess what I got! Ever heard of the Propane Queen ?

FLO - No . Not since the Mardi Gras.

DAD - She's a beaut. Three hotplates, teflon coated grill - latest technology - and, get this ....!

FLO - Oh, I can see I'm going to have to go see this, aren't I. I'll see you later, sweetie. I think there's a young man out there for you.

LYDIA - Huh ?

FLO - Looks like a bit of a sort to me ... what do they say ... `a lush honey?'

(A ring at the doorbell. It's Frank and Ray.)

LYDIA - Mum! Frank's here!

(Frank enters, obscuring Ray.)

FRANK - G'day love! Geez, you're growing up to be a bit of a looker, aren't you! Listen, have you met my son?

(Ray creeps from behind his father and shakes hands with Lydia. She is pleasantly - very pleasantly - surprised)

RAY - Hi.

LYDIA - Hi.

RAY - Nice shirt.

LYDIA - Oh, thanks!

FRANK - How 'bout I leave Ray with you, love? You can show him 'round, eh ?

RAY - Oh, well ... actually, OK. Sure.

LYDIA - OK. .... Um ... go right through Frank, Dad's out the back.

FRANK - Yep! I'll Just load myself up with a couple of coldies.