Universal Soldier: The Return
The movie everyone has been waiting on is finally here!!! The millions of Universal Soldier fans don't have to wait any longer because Van Damme has returned. WHATEVER THE FUCK! Who the hell do you know has said, "Man I wish they would make a sequal to that Universal Soldier movie" ? While the first one was worth a matinee viewing by no means should this film had been made. Usually sequals are made to make money on a well known title, but I don't think that was the case here. This was clearly the brain child of Mr. Damme. Yes, one last attempt to save his dead ass career. I guess he figured he would go back and dig up some old film he made when people still impressed he could jump up and kick someone in the face. That brings us to this sequal, Universal Soldier: The Return.
When the movie began I was some what surprised for a fleeting moment. The opening jumped right into a action sequence. So what if the acting sucked just maybe it would be good and I would get to see shit blow up and of course watch Van DAMMIT kick some one in the head. Yea maybe in some strange world were sucky shit ruled and good shit bites ass. After the oppening scene all was lost. This when we are informed Jean Claude is no longer a Universal Soldier but a regular pee-on like us. It's never really made clear how he is transformed back. So then here's the one dollar question. Who the hell is the returning Universal Soldier? I sure didn't see Dolph running around anywhere. To make things worse there is this fake-I-come- from-a-Ed Wood-movie computer called Seth. The computer goes nuts taking over the new improved Universal Soldiers with plans to blend humans and computers together. Seth later is put into the body of a super duper soldier played by Michael Jai White. While the super soldier is cool he is never really a factor till the end.
Bill Goldberg of WCW fame makes his movie debut as one of the evil soldiers. He pretty much says only one sentence at a time when the camera is pointed at him. Even then the sentences consisted only three or four words. Give me Hulk Hogan in Mr. Nanny any day! Most of the action scenes that involved Goldberg I will admit were the better ones. I just about fell asleep watching buildings blow up for no reason. Van Damme's acting seemed better than usual. It was as if he was just hoping that the film would work. It made me feel kinda sad....Naaa! The one saving moment for me was the strip bar scene with nudey girls kicking some ass. So maybe not all was lost. If you never see this movie you will die not missing a thing. Now of course if your a moron, like to watch shit explode for no reason, are a devoted Goldberg fan, still like to see Van Damme jump up and roundhouse some punk ass, and are to young to rent porn and in that case you could use the pause button on the VCR during the strip bar scene, then and only then watch it if its a free rental.
Rating * 1/2