Oh, Gabrielle, if only I could make you understand why I have to leave. I used to think love was a beautiful emotion, full of happiness and contentment ... and home. Now, I'm not so certain. I'm not certain of anything, anymore.
When I was a kid, I had this crush on our neighbor's daughter, Elena. No, it was more than that. I loved her, I think. We were about the same age, and she had lovely long brown hair, and she was nice to me, unlike my own family. When my father yelled at me because I wasn't as blood-thirsty as he wanted, I would run to Elena, and she would comfort me and tell me everything was going to be OK. I secretly wished that we could run away together and never look back, but then Jett killed her family's dog, and they moved to Athens. That broke my heart. I even attacked Jett, but he just knocked me on my butt and laughed. Typical.
What hurt the most, I think, was that I never told Elena how I felt.
I regretted that for years, and I promised myself that never again would I let someone I loved slip away without sharing my emotions. No matter how hard it might be, I'd say "I love you" just once. I really meant to hold to that promise.
Then I met you.
At first, I didn't think much of you. You were just Xena's companion. A hinderance. The little irritating blonde. I even called you that to Callisto's face. Irritating blonde. Of course, at the time I was trying to get into Callisto's gang, and I didn't care much about anyone I might hurt in the process, just so long as I achieved my goal.
Even when I tried to capture you, twice, you still were kind to me. You gave me a rag for my bloody nose. I know that you're the one who hit me, but I don't hold that against you. You reminded me of Elena, which was why I couldn't kill you when Callisto demanded that I cut your throat. You were so like Elena that my heart broke all over again.
As I spent more time with you and Xena, I began to see you apart from my memories of a brown-haired girl. You had the unique ability to see the good in everyone, even in me. Your support gave me the strength to fight for good people instead of against them. You were the first person in my adult life who believed I could become a better person, and sometimes that's all a guy needs to turn his life around.
Now you're gone. For Xena, you killed your daughter. I close my eyes, and I see the love shining through your expression, as your soft hair swirls around face and you fall backward into the pit, locked with Hope in an embrace of death.
Hope died that day. My hope died that day.
I never told you that I love you.
I dreamed about you last night, Gabrielle. You were being held captive in a fortress that even Xena could not penetrate. So I mounted Argo and fought through the gates. I pulled you into the saddle behind me, and you wrapped your arms around me, and we rode from the fortress. We rode and rode forever, and no one could catch us.
The night was so clear we could see all the stars. I pulled Argo to a halt, and we dismounted, and I gathered you into my arms and told you everything I forgot to say in life. I told you that I miss your smile and the way you grabbed my nose when you were angry. I miss the way we played rock-parchment-knife when we were walking, just to pass the time. I told you everything, pouring my heart out until I was empty. Then you kissed me.
Actually, I dream about you almost every night. I look forward to sleep. I can't dream all day and all night, however, so during the day, I stand guard over your grave, the pit that took you from me. From Xena and me. The flowers are so beautiful here, and I make sure you have fresh blossoms everyday.
Do you hear me, Gabrielle? I sit here beside this achingly deep pit every afternoon and talk to you like I've talked to no one in all my life. I tell you secrets I've held for years, admit all my flaws and all my dreams. I have to believe that as you sit in the Elysian Fields, you can hear my voice. Otherwise, I think I might go mad. I feel so alone.
Xena's not with me anymore. She stayed for a few days after you died, but then one morning I woke to find her gone. I'm not surprised, really. She's probably tracking down Hades or trying to find a doorway to the Underworld, just to see you again. She is so much stronger than I am, so much more active. She cannot purge her grief with flowers and tears. No, Xena has to do something, and I am sure she will find a way to reach you. Don't worry about her because she'll be fine.
Don't worry about me, either. I'm past the shock now, and I'm slowly accepting your death.
It really is time for me to move on, Gabrielle, and I know you understand. I can't go on like this ... it's no life at all. You wouldn't want me to waste years in mourning. There are more adventures out there, just waiting for me to find them -- villages that need protection, damsels in distress, warlords to overthrow. The world needs me, and I cannot deny anyone the services of Joxer the Mighty.
So, tomorrow, I'm leaving. I'll lay one more bunch of flowers next to the pit, and then I'm taking your staff and leaving this place, never to come back. I'm done with mourning. You died doing what you love: Fighting for the greater good. You died protecting Xena, the most important person in your life. I cannot think of a better way to go ... or a more absolute declaration of love.
I'll carry you with me in my heart, so at least in that way we'll be together forever. I need your strength and support and goodness to sustain me during these next few months. You see, Gabrielle, I'm always strong when you're beside me.
I have always needed you, and I always will.
I love you.
Goodbye.