Nothing But You

by Jennifer Campbell

None of the characters belong to me. If they did, Joxer and Gabrielle would be together. I make no profit off this, unfortunately. So if you happen to be one of The Powers That Be, please don't sue me. I'm broke anyway.

This is rated PG for regular "Xena" violence.

Nothing But You
by Kim Ferron
From "Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album"

I think I'll go for a walk,
maybe out in the rain.
Maybe let the tears roll down my face
and I'll feel your pain.
Maybe think about something.
Maybe think about you.

Yeah, you can't hurt me now.
(You know you can't hurt me now.)
You can't hold me down.

CHORUS
And I got plenty of time,
Time to figure it out,
Time to think about you and me,
whatever that was all about.
I got nothing to prove,
Got nothing to say.
No, I guess I never thought
you were good for me anyway.
I got nothing to lose.
Nothing but you.

I think I'll go for a ride,
Till my memory fades.
Roll down the windows and
Glide down 75 to the Everglades.
Maybe light up a joint,
Take a walk on the moon.

Yeah, you can't reach me now.
(You know you can't touch me now.)
You can't hold me down.

CHORUS

Why do you have to be so unkind?
Why do I have to be so inclined
to lose my mind?

CHORUS

Oh, nothing but you.
I got nothing.

He was dreaming, he knew. The colors seemed too bright for reality -- the sunset too vivid, the trees too green -- and this scene, well, nothing like this would ever exist in the real world. No lake would shimmer with such an inner glow or reflect the perfect golden ball of the sun as it slowly sank behind the tall trees, whispering their secrets too softly to understand.

He didn't care, though. Because here, she loved him. Here, there were no unkind words or whithering looks. They sat quietly on the edge of the peer, their legs dangling only inches above the crystal clear water, and as he wrapped his arms around her, she didn't pull away. Instead, she allowed her head to sink slowly to his shoulder, and she sighed happily.

He tightened his arms around her and gently ran his fingertips down the length of her arm. "Gabrielle," he said quietly. "I love you."

Her hand shifted to cover one of his own; their fingers intertwined. "I love you, too, Joxer," she said. "I think I always have."

They sat in silence then, simply enjoying each other's presence as the sun hovered above the lake, bathing the water in brilliant colors and washing over Gabrielle's face. She was so beautiful. So perfect. His goddess. And here, she loved him as deeply as he loved her, without regret or shame.

They sat for only a few short minutes before she shifted against his shoulder. "Joxer, you have to wake up now," she said.

He shook his head, tightening his grip on her fingers and around her waist as if to hang onto the dream as long as he could. "I don't want to wake up. I want to stay here with you."

"I know, love," she murmured. "But you must wake now."

"No," he said, but he knew his refusal was useless. The sunset dimmed and faded, as did the lake and the trees. The last thing he lost was Gabrielle's warm hand, clasped with his own, but that too vanished, and he found himself clutching at only air. Joxer opened his eyes and blinked to clear the blurriness that comes in the first few seconds after sleep. It was still night, a full moon directly overhead. He couldn't remember where he was.

He rolled onto his side and suddenly found himself assaulted by a foul smell that reminded him of Argo after a week on the road, or maybe the inside of his boots. His eyes adjusted in the dark, and he found himself nose-to-nose with a snoring lump of a man. With a surprised yelp, he bolted to his feet; the lump stopped snoring.

"Joxer," muttered a deep voice. "I don't care who your father is. If you wake me up one more time I'm going to bust your nose in."

Joxer blinked. Then his mind began to clear and he remembered. The lump's name was Larkos, and he'd been one of Joxer's companions on this long road for almost a week. Joxer had thrown around the family name to get this job as a guard for a shipment of who-knows-what. The wagon master had been impressed by the warrior abilities of Joxer's father and had hired the son without hesitation.

That had been a week ago. A week since he had left the company of Xena and Gabrielle, since the horrible argument that had sent him stomping into the woods. It wasn't like he hadn't heard the words a million times already, but something within him had snapped. He didn't have to take this abuse, not from those he called friends. The woman he loved, who knew he loved her, had insulted him once again, and something had just ... snapped.

"Joxer, these are the wrong spices. I can't believe you mixed up pepper with garlic. I should know better than to leave my errands to an idiot."

He shook his head sadly as he remembered her words. Gabrielle had called him an idiot, just like everyone else did. She had treated him like dirt. He'd just been too blinded by love to see the truth until now. Yet he still yearned for her, missed her with a pain that was almost physical. He dreamed about her every night.

"... I love you, too, Joxer. I think I always have."

"... I should know better than to leave my errands to an idiot."

Useless, he told himself. It was useless to worry about the past.

Larkos had gone back to snoring, so Joxer tip-toed away. He managed to leave his traveling companion sleeping peacefully by the wagons and trudged up the nearby hill to the watch point.

The guard on duty was Renni, a short, friendly guy whose big ears and squashed nose reminded Joxer of a rabbit. Renni stood, and his sword hissed out of its scabbard as Joxer approached.

"Who's there?" he asked.

"It's just me. Joxer."

The sword slid back into the scabbard, and Joxer relaxed his tense muscles. "Um, can I come up there?" he asked.

"Sure," Renni answered as he sat. "I could use some company. But what are you doing up at this hour?"

"I, um, can't sleep," Joxer answered somewhat lamely as he sat next to Renni. "I thought maybe I could take the watch for awhile. You know, so you can get some rest."

Renni laughed and thumped Joxer on the back. "Hey, thanks. You're a real pal."

Joxer coughed, trying to catch his breath from the friendly blow. He couldn't seem to speak, so he only nodded as Renni walked down the hill, whistling a happy tune. Soon, all was quiet again, and Joxer looked around at his surroundings. They had stopped for the night in a small clearing amidst a huge forest, with trees that seemed to reach for Olympus. Joxer smiled as he watched the faraway branches sway in the cool night breeze, wondering if he climbed to the top whether he might be that much closer to divinity.

But what had the gods ever done for him? Aphrodite hadn't even seen fit to make Gabrielle fall in love with him. Gabby thought he was worthless, an idiot, someone to order around and then blame when things went wrong. He didn't have to take that. Not ever. It had been right to leave.

"I don't understand why you can't follow a simple set of instructions, Joxer," Gabrielle had yelled while pacing the length of their campsite. Her face had turned red with the force of her tantrum. "Do I have to hold your hand while you do everything? Hmm?"

Joxer hadn't known exactly how to respond, mostly because holding Gabrielle's hand had sounded like a good proposition to him. He had answered in his usual, intellectual manner: "Um. Bah ... um, Gabby --"

"Don't call me that! How many times to I have to tell you that my name is Gabrielle, not Gabby. Jeez, Joxer."

And then the snap had come. He'd stood silent and still by the campfire, watching with a stoney expression as Gabrielle had paced the clearing and muttered to herself about how dinner was now ruined because they had no garlic for the fish. It was then that he had said the words.

"I don't have to take this from you. I'm leaving."

He'd bent over to grab his helmet and pack, and when he had straightened, Gabrielle had been starring at him in confusion, all anger erased from her face.

"What?" she had asked.

"I'm leaving. You -- you obviously don't want me here, so I'm going to stop imposing myself on you."

Gabrielle had moved forward then, reaching out to him. "No, please don't do that. Joxer, I -- I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"But you did. You meant it. You and Xena, you don't need me. I just get in the way and make you angry. So I'll go."

They had stood only inches apart, so close that Joxer had breathed in the spicy scent of her, drank in the sight of her big, lovely eyes meeting his for one last time. This sight had to be enough, a vision of beauty that would have to last him a lifetime. He had reached out slowly, caressed his fingertips down her cheek.

"I love you, Gabrielle," he had said quietly, "but I can't stay here and take your abuse any more. I think I deseve better than that."

She hadn't answered, only standing silent by the campfire as Joxer had walked away. Now, here he was, surrounded by men like him -- men who were running from a past they wanted so desperately to forget, men who had taken the most dangerous job they could find in hopes that perhaps some band of thieves would end their suffering with a well-placed stab of the dagger or shot of an arrow. Maybe then, in Hades' realm, they could forget their pain. Maybe there, he could forget Gabrielle.

He grabbed a stick lying the ground and poked furiously at the dirt with it. He sighed. "You can't hurt me now," he whispered to himself. "You can't hold me down. Not anymore."

"Awe, what's this? My stud muffin is acting all gloomy."

Joxer glanced up to see a woman's shape outlined against the moonlight. Even in the dark, Aphrodite's hair seemed to shine as it curled in golden locks around her shoulders. She pouted prettily and cocked her head as she examined the man sitting cross-legged in the dirt.

"Hi, Aphrodite," Joxer muttered. He returned his attention to his stick. He didn't feel like talking to anyone right now, least of all the goddess of love.

Aphrodite waved her hand, and somewhere in the midst of a shower of tiny hearts appeared a small, pink blanket. She laid it on the ground and sat down gracefully, never taking her eyes off Joxer.

"Come on now, what's wrong," she coaxed. "You can tell Dite all about it."

"Why should I tell you anything?" Joxer asked with one furious dirt-stab with his stick. "You're the one who got me in this mess."

"Oooohhh," she said, nodding. "It must have to do with Xena's little friend."

"Gabrielle."

"Yeah, her." Aphrodite leaned forward, gently taking Joxer's stick from him and laying it aside. "Listen, babe, I had nothing to do with that one. You fell in love with sidekick-girl all on your own."

"But she hates me." Joxer refused to look up. "She grabs my nose and makes fun of me. Why would I fall in love with someone who treats me like dirt?"

Aphrodite shrugged. "Maybe you fell in love with her because the only love you've ever known is abusive. Your family sure didn't shower you with affection. And your dad, well, yelling and hitting was the only way he knew to express his emotions, even love."

Joxer didn't answer. Great, he thought. I left Athens to escape my family, and I ran headlong into the same kind of relationship I'd left behind.

Aphrodite laid her hand on his shoulder. "Listen, Joxer. Sometimes love just doesn't work out. Not everyone gets a happy ending."

From somewhere above them, an owl hooted softly, a sound so lonely that it brought unshed tears to Joxer's eyes. One drop escaped, trailed slowly down his cheek and dropped silently into the dirt. He didn't bother to wipe his cheek.

"But I never get a happy ending," he whispered. "Just once, I'd like to win, you know? Just for one time, I'd like to get the girl, beat the bad guys and live happily ever after."

"I know." Aphrodite squeezed his shoulder. "That's what everyone wants. But we can't all be the hero."

With that, she vanished in a shower of tiny hearts that sprinkled over Joxer and disappeared before they touched the ground. In the east, the sky lightened slightly, and the stars began to fade. It would be day soon, and the camp would rouse. Another day of guarding would begin.

Today would be difficult, he knew. He'd think of Gabrielle's golden hair all day -- hair that seemed to shine like the sun. He'd think of Aphrodite's words. Not everyone can be the hero. Xena and Gabrielle, now they were heroes. But Joxer the Not-So-Mighty, he was an anti-hero. Nobody wanted an anti-hero to save the day; the universe just didn't work that way.

At the bottom of the hill, the others woke and prepared themselves for the long day ahead. Joxer slowly stood, wiped the dirt off his pants and took a deep breath. Despite the pain, he knew today was another opportunity, another chance to find his place in the world. He walked into camp, his head held high.

In the distance, he heard the solitary hoot of an owl as it took flight, soared over the camp and vanished into the rising sun.

Gabrielle, in all her years of traveling with Xena, had never noticed how much she hated the sun -- the enormous, bright, annoyingly cheerful sun that threatened to ruin her bad mood. What's worse, she thought, was that Xena seemed perfectly content to smile and laugh and chat about how beautiful the meadow was and didn't those flowers smell wonderful?

So much cheer all around her, yet dark clouds and thunderstorms filled Gabrielle's heart. She had no right to feel boyant, not after what she'd done to her friend, her trusted companion, the man she'd taken for granted. Joxer had always had nothing but the best of intentions; she'd never meant to hurt him.

As she rode, she absently smoothed Horse's mane and tried very hard to tune out Xena's most recent monologue about how the sky was the perfect shade of blue. Sure, Xena had a reason for her uncharacteristic cheerfulness -- it wasn't everyday a woman discovered she was pregnant -- but didn't she understand that Gabrielle wanted nothing to do with cheerful things?

"That sky," Xena mused dreamily. "It's like the color of, oh I don't know, a calm lake on a summer's day. Hey, do you suppose there's a lake around here, Gabrielle? We could do some fishing. Perfect day for it."

Horse's mane seemed to have a few scattered strands of hair that were a lighter shade of brown than the rest. Gabrielle touched one lightly with her fingertips.

"Gabrielle?" Xena pulled Argo closer. "Hey, are you listening to me at all?"

Those light strands almost matched the color of Joxer's hair, Gabrielle thought. He really had nice hair, when he took off that stupid helmet of his.

"Look!" Xena yelled, pointing ahead furiously. "It's Ares' army, and it looks like it's led by Ceasar and a two-headed hydra!"

Gabrielle stopped Horse and looked up lazily. "Very funny, Xena. I hear you; I just don't feel like talking right now."

Xena nodded wisely. "So, instead you're going to think about Joxer and beat yourself up over what you said to him. Good move. That way you can waste another entire day wallowing in self-pity."

"It's not self-pity. I'm just worried about him. I -- I hurt him so bad that he walked away from me. I never meant to hurt him like that."

With a comforting smile, Xena laid her hand softly on Gabrielle's shoulder. "Don't worry about Joxer. We'll find him. We're already catching up with the merchant's caravan; we can't be more than a couple of days behind them."

But what if he wasn't with the caravan? What if he were gone and they'd never find him? Gabrielle didn't dare to ask the questions that nagged at the back of her mind because she knew Xena did not have the answers. Besides, the last thing she wanted was to vocalize her worst fears -- that she'd never see Joxer again, that he'd never hear her apology.

Her vision began to blur, and Gabrielle irritably wiped the unshed tears from her eyes. After the past few nightmarish days, she'd thought no more tears were left. She'd rarely felt so badly about anything in all her life.

But why do I feel this way? she wondered as she urged Horse forward again across the bright, sunny meadow. It's only Joxer, after all. Joxer, who can make me laugh and smile like no one else ...

Xena pulled Argo to a halt and pointed ahead, over the line of tall trees that lined the meadow. "Gabrielle, do you see that?"

"You already tried that tactic," Gabrielle muttered. "I'm not interested in looking around at the 'bright, beautiful meadow,' so you can give it up."

"No, I'm serious this time. Look."

So Gabrielle looked -- and reined in Horse with so much force that he tossed his head wildly, his mane flying about and obscuring Gabrielle's view of what rose above the distant line of trees. She leaned forward and whispered apologies in Horse's twitching ears as she starred straight ahead, wide-eyed.

The trail of thick smoke twisted in the breeze, reminding Gabrielle of a gigantic black snake reaching for the skies. She sniffed at the air and caught the unmistakable scent of something burning, although what it was, she couldn't guess.

She and Xena exchanged a quick glance before they dug their heels into their mounts and spurred forward across the meadow. Argo began to pull slowly ahead, so Gabrielle gripped tighter with her legs and yelled wordless encouragements to Horse, who put on an extra burst of speed.

And the trail of smoke grew larger and more imposing on the horizon.

As they reached the edge of the forest, both women slowed their horses to a walk, navigating through the trees. The journey between the thick trunks seemed to take an eternity, as the burning scent became more pronounced. Then she saw it at last: the faint flicker of flames.

"Haw!" Gabrielle yelled as she urged Horse to a slow canter, Xena right behind her. She emerged into a clearing a few moments later at the top of a steep hill overlooking a narrow, winding road. At the base of the hill lay an overturned wagon, or what used to be a wagon, crackling with flames. Nearby, an old man and woman lay unmoving in the dirt.

"By the gods," Gabrielle whispered. "Xena, what happened here?"

Her dark companion pulled up next to her and surveyed the chaotic scene. "Raiders. It looks like their gone," she said calmly. "You check on the woman, and I'll get the man."

"Right."

At the bottom of the hill, Gabrielle quickly dismounted and kneeled beside the old woman, ignoring the uncomfortable heat radiating from the fire. Soot covered the woman's wrinkled face and torn, singed dress. For a moment, Gabrielle feared she was dead, but she held an ear to the woman's mouth and heard the soft hiss of breath.

"Thank goodness." She breathed a sigh of relief, caught a lungfull of smoke and started to cough uncontrolably.

"Gabrielle," Xena yelled from where she knelt beside the man, "cover your mouth."

Cover my mouth, Gabrielle thought. Now she tells me. From Horse's saddlebages, she retreived a small length of cloth, which she held over her mouth and nose, and grabbed her water bottle almost as an afterthought. She dribbled a tiny stream of water onto the woman's forehead, and the soot began to run off in rivlets. The woman moaned and twitched, and her eyes opened slowly, blinking against the smokey air.

Gabrielle handed her cloth to the woman, who gratefully took it and held it to her own mouth. "Can you walk?" Gabrielle asked.

The woman nodded, and Gabrielle helped her to her feet and onto Horse's back. With one hand held to her mouth and the other guiding Horse, Gabrielle quickly walked away from the burning wagon. They didn't stop until they'd turned a sharp curve in the road, to where they could breathe more easily.

Xena, mounted on Argo, came pounding around the curve a moment later. She dismounted and helped Gabrielle slide the woman off Horse's back and prop her against a boulder by the roadside.

The woman breathed laboriously, but a small smile crossed her dirty face. "Thank you," she said, her voice a soft rasp. "My husband, is he OK?"

Gabrielle looked to Xena, who tightened her lips and shook her head. "He was already dead. I'm sorry."

The woman nodded sadly. "Somehow I knew you would say that. He was a good man."

"You're lucky to be alive, after inhailing so much smoke," Gabrielle said. "You must have the endurance of the gods."

A laugh escaped the woman's lips but quickly turned to a coughing fit. After a few moments, she calmed and smiled grimly at Gabrielle. "I've always been a difficult one to kill. My name is Ahra."

"I'm Gabrielle. This is my friend Xena."

"Ahra," Xena interrupted, "do you know who attacked you?"

Ahra shook her head. "Men. Raiders, I guess. They were looking for something."

Xena's face grew more serious. "Do you know what it was?"

"No. I -- I remember them saying that 'it' wasn't here." She paused. "No, wait. One of them said something about a stone."

Gabrielle snorted unattractively. "A stone? A band of raiders would attack an elderly couple for a stone?" She glance at her companion, who seemed lost in thought. A suspicion occurred to her that Xena might already have a plan. "Do you know what they were looking for?"

"I might," Xena replied carefully. "Ahra, did you see which way the raiders went?"

"I'm sorry, but I didn't. I don't remember them ever leaving. I must have passed out."

Xena nodded. "It's all right. I can follow their tracks."

Gabrielle looked up sharply from where she had been gently wiping the soot from Ahra's face. "You're planning on following them? What are we supposed to do until you get back?"

"Those men were looking for something specific. They were probably told it would be coming down this road, so they're attacking every traveler they see."

Gabrielle's eyes widened. She gripped Xena's arm in panic. "The caravan that we're following is the biggest thing on this road. Xena, we have to catch up to them first, warn Joxer what's coming."

"You and Ahra try to catch up with Joxer while I track down our band of raiders. Athens is about three days up the road, so if we don't cross paths out here, we'll meet there, at the Dancing Lady inn."

"All right."

Xena stood gracefully and remounted Argo under the watchful eyes of her best friend. "Good luck," she said. Then she expertly turned Argo and galloped back up the road toward the fire.

Gabrielle sighed and looked to her new traveling companion. "Feel like taking a ride?"

To be continued ...

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