April 10,1912 Wednesday

The day of sailing I had a sense of foreboding and dread. I selected a black outfit to wear but when Cal saw me in it he asked me to change, telling me it was not fitting to wear black for sailing. Mother asked me why I wanted to wear black and I told her I felt like it. She told me she did not have time for my childish exhibitions today and selected something in white with a large purple hat.

All the while Cal kept pacing and looking at his watch urging me to hurry or the ship would sail without us. When we reached the docks, I got my first sight of Titanic. I am afraid Cal was disappointed because I was not as impressed as he thought I would be. My mind was on other things. I was feeling apprehensive about the return trip home to Philadelphia. I knew that when I returned home, my life would never be my own again. I felt like a prisoner awaiting his execution.

Once on board, a steward showed us to our staterooms on B-deck. The maids had begun to assist me in unpacking my things. A week before, Cal had taken me shopping in Paris, where I found a quaint little shop that had some very interesting paintings. I bought several over Cal's disapproval and then spent the afternoon in a nearby park while Cal did some shopping of his own. He said he wanted to get me the perfect engagement present.

I was arranging the paintings in the sitting room when Cal suddenly appeared and made a rude remark calling them finger paintings. The only thing Cal knew about art was its investment value. What he said next embarrassed me. Trudy had remarked about the newness of everything and she would be the first to sleep underneath the sheets, then Cal came up behind me and placed his arms around my waist. He whispered in my ear that when he crawled between the sheets tonight he would also be the first. I had never been with a man before. What I knew about such things I learned from the girls at boarding school. I angrily pushed him away when I noticed Trudy blushing because she had overheard him. I felt like crying.

Later that evening, Titanic had stopped at Cherbourg to take on some passengers. It was JJ and his new wife. John Astor was a close friend of the family. It had created such a scandal when he had remarried a girl that was half his age. He introduced me to Madeline and we exchanged greetings.

Then I overheard a woman scolding the stewards for being so slow. Mother told me that was Margaret Brown and she had struck a fortune in gold in Colorado. She whispered to me "New Money." Mother was belittling of any one who came into sudden wealth and would not have anything to do with them. I could never understand her. It was just an accident of birth that I was born into such a prominent family as Father's. Mother was only a seamstress when she met him but he did not seem to care because he loved her. One time he scolded me when he caught me making fun of some girls less fortunate than myself. He told me it was not how much a person had that mattered but what they were on the inside that counted.