Balfours, approx. 2200 hrs

Commander Ivanova was sitting at the bar, sipping away at her drink, a bottle of vodka nearby. She was drawing a lot of attention with the simple long black dress she was wearing. She didn't notice, her thoughts were elsewhere.

She'd had dinner with the Captain and Delenn earlier that evening and Sheridan had forbidden her to wear her uniform. So, she'd decided to indulge her feminine side for once, and she had put on the sleek black dress with spaghetti straps on her shoulders.
For some reason, seeing the Captain and Delenn together in the privacy of the Captain's quarters had thrown her into a melancholy mood. One of those moods that makes you ask yourself: Why can't I be happy in love for once?
So, instead of going to her own quarters and have a drink, she had decided to go to Balfours to have a drink. At least she wouldn't be alone there.
Now she was sitting at the bar, lost in thought.
"Hello," came an accented voice from behind her. She nearly jumped.
"Hello Marcus. I see you're practising your 'sneaking up on people' skills," she said without turning around.
"Well, I can't afford to let that slip, now, can I? Care if I join you?"
"No, please," she gestured at the barstool next to her, then at the bottle of vodka "Want some?" Without waiting for his reply she gestured to the bartender to bring another glass.
"Actually, I .. oh, what the hell."
He let her pour him a drink, they put their glasses together and took a sip in silence. Ivanova put her glass down and said, "So, what brings you here? No, wait, let me guess," she interrupted him. He pulled up a brow. "You're here to practice your people-skills, such as sneaking," she finished sarcastically.
*My God, she's in an awful mood,* Marcus thought before quipping "Actually no, I came here to get a drink. But the way you put it, it sounds much more interesting... And what are you doing here? No, wait, let me guess. You're here to drink away a bad mood." Marcus held his breath, waiting to be spaced for being so bold as to tell the truth.
"Well.. yes," Susan replied, surprising him. She was =definitely= in a strange mood.
"Anything in particular happen to bring it on?" he ventured.
"Yes, but someone in particular is making it worse very rapidly," she replied with a dark look in his direction. Marcus decided to see how far he could go and ignored her obvious warning.
"Want to talk about it?" he asked. Then, seeing the look on her face "Ah, thought not."
They both turned to their drinks again. After a rather uncomfortable silence, Susan decided to be polite, filled Marcus' glass again and said: "So, how are you Marcus?" Then she remembered. "How is your lady love doing?"
Marcus looked at her in shock.
"Don't tell me you still haven't told her?" Susan said incredulously.
"Eh, no."
"Màrcus," she chided him, "you shouldn't wait too long with that sort of thing you know."
"Why? Afraid I might get too old? But Susan, that's impossible! I'm godlike, remember?" he quipped, only then realising what he just said. Susan didn't notice, however, and went on.
"Seriously Marcus. You shouldn't wait. Before you know it, it's too late and you'll never be able to tell her."
He looked at her, smiling, thinking she was making fun. Then he saw the sadness in her eyes. She was speaking from experience.

He was about to say something when a drunk guy came up to them and started hitting on Susan. That was his first mistake. He obviously didn't know who she was. That was his second mistake.
"Hello sweetheart. I hope haven't made any plans for tonight with this loser," he said, nodding in Marcus' direction.
Susan looked at Marcus. He pulled up a brow mouthing 'moi?'. He saw the anger in Susan's eyes rise.
"No, why?" she asked the guy in a very calm voice.
" 'Cos I've got plans for us, honey."
Susan looked back at Marcus, Marcus started to seriously worry about the guy's health.
"Oh, and what might those plans be?" Susan asked, voice still calm, but only just.
"Well, uhm, " the guy stuttered.
"I thought so," Susan said, then burst out, "Now get the hell away from me, before I rip your lungs out!"
The guy looked at her in shock, unable to move.
Susan added, icy cold, "Or worse." The guy left, fast.
Marcus looked at Susan. "That's a sure-fire way to get rid of anyone," he said.
"Sorry, but he was.. Ah hell," she said angrily, emptying her glass yet again.
The something dawned on Marcus: Susan was very irritable and maybe, just maybe, he could irritate her enough to start talking about what was really bugging her. Now how would he irritate her most?
The answer scared him, but not as much as it usually did.
"I'm going home," Susan announced, "I can't take any more of this shit. I might kill someone.. I'm sorry I've been such lousy company, Marcus."
With that, she got up. It took a few seconds for her to find her balance, but after that she seemed fine. Marcus stood up as well, feeling the alcohol rush to his head, where it wrecked only minor havoc.
"What?" Susan snapped.
"I thought I'd walk you home," he said sheepishly.
"Marcus, I'll be fine," she said and walked away.
She was doing marvelously until someone passed her. She swayed and went for the floor. She was caught by the same guy that had just been hitting on her. Being really stupid, he decided to take advantage of the situation and put his hands all over Susan. Marcus was beside her in a second, pulling Susan against him to physically restrain her from hurting the guy.
"I =do= have plans for tonight, "she snapped at the guy and with that, she grabbed Marcus' face and kissed him fiercely to prove it.
Marcus was in shock.. for about 3 seconds. Then his wits came back to him. Well, that's not true: his hormones took over. Before he knew it, he was kissing Susan back, his hands moving from her waist to tangle in her hair.
Susan felt Marcus stiffen and then kiss her back. She felt his hands move up her back, while hers were moving to the back of his head. All conscious thought left her for a sweet moment.
Then she remembered where they were and what the purpose of that kiss had been. She broke off the kiss, let go of Marcus, looked at the guy who was gaping at them, grabbed Marcus' hand and stormed out of Balfours.
* =Balfours=!! Of all places I had to make a scene at =Balfours=! And kiss Marcus?!?! What was -that- all about? *
** Don't deny that you liked it.. a lot!** an irritating voice said in her mind.
* What?! *
** Oh yeah, you liked it girl. Why else would you be kissing him back like that! ** the irritating voice came again.
* Okay, that's enough! * Susan's thoughts were like a tornado.

They were in a quiet hallway. Susan noticed she was still holding Marcus' hand and let go quickly. The hallway was spinning. She let herself fall against the wall and sat down. Her shoes were killing her.
Marcus kneeled in front of her, a worried look on his face.
"Susan, are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm... fine. Stupid shoes are giving me blisters," she said, looking away.
She got up again and started walking. Marcus followed her, catching her when she was about to stumble and fall again.
*Fine, apart from you practically sucking my tonsils out. I thought you had someone you were waiting for,* Susan thought.
** He has, and that someone is you, dummy! ** There was that irritating voice again.
*Me?!?! He is saving himself for me?!*
"Susan?" came Marcus' anxious voice through the fog.
"Hang on Marcus, I'm kinda busy having an epiphany," she muttered.
** Hello, good morning. Look who just woke up! Of course he's saving himself for you! Who else? Didn't he put you in the middle of his Ottoman Empire? To name just one of the many things.. **
* He did that, didn't he? Hehehe.. and here I was, worrying about the woman being able to appreciate him.. *
** So, smart girl, what are you gonna do about it? **
* I guess.. no, I wanna know for sure first.*
Susan stopped and turned to look at Marcus. He seemed relieved to see her get back to the real world.
Marcus saw the far away look on Susan's face disappear. The look that replaced it scared him. It was that stubborn, unyielding look she got when she was gonna get to the truth, no matter what. Only this time, there was a little fear mixed in it too. Why?
"Marcus," she started, "your lady love, when were you planning on telling her?"
This was the last thing he expected. He stared at her, then got his thoughts organised. * She =finally= figured it out. And she's afraid to ask * he thought. He smiled at her slightly and said, "I think I just did."
She looked at him, just a little bit surprised. ** See? I told you so ** when was that irritating voice gonna leave her alone? ** Not now, you need it **
* Okay, so where do I go from here? *
** You answer the question: do I love him too? And guess what: the answer is =so= obvious **
"Susan?" Marcus asked. She shook her head, not now.
* Do I love him? Do I? *
** See? This is where you need me: I'll rephrase it for you, since you seem to have a problem with thinking clearly right now. Try and imagine your life without Marcus. **
* I'd still be the soldier fighting whatever war is going on. And I'd still be the second in command of Babylon 5 *
** Okay, so take those two away.. yes? What've you got left? **
* Heh, not much *
** Now, take away Marcus **
* Oh my...*

Marcus watched Susan contemplate his admission. He was just really glad she hadn't hit him. But this didn't look too good either. She seemed to be coming out of it.
"Susan.. ," he tried again, pleading.
"Marcus, you.. kind of caught me off guard there," she said.
"I could say the same thing," he said. She gave him her patented sidelong look. He added, "I'm sorry."
"So," he tried, changing the subject, "tell me about yourself, tell me about your family."
"Not now Marcus, I have to think."
"But-" She gave him another warning look. He sighed. "Oh come on, Susan."
"Leave it alone, Marcus." Her voice was getting more irritated.
They rounded the corner into Susan's hallway. Marcus tried again.
"Susan-"
"Marcus," she warned him.
They reached her door and she opened it. Marcus sighed as Susan snapped
"Lights!" He =had= to try one more time.
"Tell me about yourself, Susan."
"Marcus, this song is getting =really= old," she said in a voice that was just too calm.
"Well then, for heaven's sake, cooperate! I bare my soul to you and you don't even want to tell me about your family! I still don't know anything more about you than what I've seen for myself and the few things other people have told me," he replied, exasperated.
"What?!"
"Well, not that I asked.. I mean.. not that they had much to tell..," his voice trailed off.
Susan wasn't listening, she was too angry. "Why, Marcus? Why do you want to know?"
"Because we are friends, " he stated it as fact, not leaving her any room to get off subject. He continued fiercely, "Friends are supposed to trust each other enough to share these things."

He had baited her well: implying that she was a bad friend was like waving a red blanket in front of an enraged bull.
"What do you want to know, Marcus? WHAT?!" she yelled at him, "Do you want to know how my mother died when I was a girl!? Do you want to know how my father and brother died!? Do you want to know how everyone I ever loved died?!?"
There was a long silence.
Marcus looked at Susan, a strange expression on his face. Shock, anger, compassion, love. Susan was looking down at the floor, not all her rage spent yet.
After a few seconds Marcus took two steps towards her. She took two steps away from him, still looking at the floor, breathing "Don't".
He looked at her a little bit longer and then walked over to the kitchenette. Susan followed him with her gaze, not sure what he was doing. He took the kettle, filled it with water and put it on the fire. He was making tea.
Susan was slowly getting back to reality. Her feet started hurting again and her dress had suddenly become uncomfortable too. She finally moved and went into the bedroom to change.
She kicked off her shoes, walked over to a cabinet and started rummaging through a drawer, looking for something comfortable to wear. She settled for a tank top and a pair of flannel pyjama pants. A bit of a contrast with the dress she was wearing, but she didn't really care at this point. God, he'd been hammering away at her walls and worked his way through! She =really= hated that!
** Oh do you? Do you really now? Aren't you forgetting something? **
* Like what? *
** Well, Miss I'm-As-Tough-As-Nails, if you keep shutting people out, you're gonna end up all alone, you know. **
Susan stopped pulling up the pants and sat down on the bed, all her anger gone. It was true. And it was something she feared. Maybe even more than being hurt...
This was a most peculiar evening. She =really= shouldn't drink that much anymore, it made her think too much. Yes, that was it.

She finished dressing and walked to the living area. Marcus was standing with his back to her and she took the opportunity to study him, leaning against the doorpost. He'd taken off his ranger-robe and was wearing the pants and long sleeved turtleneck shirt that apparently went underneath the robe. The shirt didn't do much to hide his strong muscles. True, he was actually quite slim, especially without his robe, but the hint of his muscles pleased her.
Just as her thoughts were about to run away with her, he turned around with two steaming cups of tea in his hands.
"That dress was giving you blisters too?" he said with a deadpan look on his face. Before she could retort he motioned with an arm saying, "Come, sit down with me."
She moved over to the couch where he was sitting down, taking a cup from him. They sat in silence for a while, sipping their tea, looking at each other over the rims of their cups.
Finally Susan worked up the courage to speak. So did Marcus.
"Look Marcus-"
"I'm sorry to-"
They both turned back to their drinks, Marcus looking down, Susan looking at him.
She saw a sad glint in his eyes. *I did hurt him.. God, I did the one thing I'm most afraid of someone will do to me again.. I hurt him.. It's probably the mere fact that he loves me and that I might not be able to love him back... but is that true? *
Marcus' mind was in a whirl. *I told her how I feel. She said she had to think and that didn't kill me. What is it that I'm so afraid of? We've known each other for a long time and she has never actually thrown me out of an airlock. So why would she start doing that now?* Then it hit him.
He looked up at her again, mirthless smile on his face, pain evident in his eyes. "That darned fear of being hurt. Does it ever end?"
She looked at him, eyes wide, pain and recognition written across her face, nodding. *Damn you Marcus,* she thought while a tear rolled down her face. She wiped at her eyes furiously, angry at herself for being so vulnerable. She tried to regain her composure, but failed miserably.
Marcus looked at her, looked at her struggle visible on her face. *There's nothing I can say to her to reassure her.. I know that..* So he did the only thing he could come up with. He put down his cup, took hers and put it down too. Then he pulled her in his arms and held her. He felt her struggle to get away from him for a few seconds.
"Shhhh," he hushed her and rocked her gently, "Just let it go."

Something in her broke and she started crying uncontrollably. She cried for her parents, she cried for Talia, she cried for everyone she'd loved and lost and for everyone she'd been afraid to love and lost all the same.
"I loved them.. and I lost them all Marcus," she cried against his neck.
"I know love, I know," he replied with a wobbly voice, "I have loved and lost too."
After a while, Susan calmed down a bit. She settled against Marcus more comfortably, without realising it.
"I'm so tired Marcus," she sighed, "so tired."
"You really do give yourself 100 percent to whatever task is ahead of you, don't you?" he chuckled against her hair. He felt, rather than saw, her pull a face.
"When you're in battle, you fight with all your might, when you're in C&C, your attention is on running a space station 100 percent. And when you cry, every molecule of your body joins in.. and you wonder why you're tired?"
She had to chuckle, she couldn't resist it. That aggrivatingly cocky, infuriating, impossible man had done it again! He had pushed her buttons again and made her mood make a U-turn. She sighed again and tried to stifle a big yawn.
"Okay, let's get you to bed then. You need to get some sleep. It's been a long day.. for both of us."
Before she could get mad he'd swept her off the couch and was carrying her to her bedroom. He put her down on the bed and standing up, he let go of her reluctantly.
The moment he let go of her she missed his body against hers. She grabbed his hand from where she was lying and looked up at him.
"Marcus, please don't go," she pleaded.

He looked down at her. She looked.. He couldn't possibly leave her alone, not tonight. If he went to his own quarters now, there was no way he would loose the image that was forming in his mind right now, of her crying herself to sleep. She pulled him down beside her on the bed. She took his other hand and wrapped his arm around her while she turned on her side, back towards him. Realisation dawning on him, he laid down beside her and pulled her against his chest.
They lay like this for a while, each lost in their own musings. Susan was absentmindedly stroking Marcus' arm, while Marcus was just as absentmindedly stroking Susan's hair. Just when he was convinced she'd fallen asleep, Susan's voice came, very softly, asking
"Tell me about her Marcus."
He sighed a shuddering sigh. This was it. He had to tell her. And he began: "Her name was Neoma and she lived in the same colony as my family..." He told Susan of their teenage years together, her passion for drawing, the time he'd finally worked up the courage to talk to her and how she'd tested him by making him sit still for her drawing. Then he told Susan of his brother's return, his warnings about the Shadows and his own reaction to that and the promise he'd made to his brother. And then he told her of the Shadow attack that changed his life forever.

When he finished they were both silent. Susan heard him sob softly behind her. She tried to turn around to look at him, but he kept her from turning. Instead, she took his hand and kissed it, hoping it would tell him that he didn't have to carry that burden alone. He let out another shuddering sigh and managed, "So, tell me about him."
"Her." It was out before she knew it.
He felt her stiffen in his embrace. He stroked her hair and said in the same voice, "So tell me about her."
Susan turned her head, trying to look at Marcus to make sure his face said the same as his voice.
"To me, love is about the soul, Susan, not the body.." He added, slightly chuckling "Although when it's a nice body it's a very welcome extra."
Susan had to chuckle at that. Marcus felt her relax again and she began telling her story. "Her name was Talia and she was the Psi-Corps representative on Babylon 5 before you came."
Now it was Marcus' turn to stiffen at hearing the Psi-Corps mentioned. She kissed his hand again saying, "I know, I wasn't too happy about that either. But that's the way it was.." She told him about Talia, the strange mutual trust that was between them. And of the thing that had shattered everything, that Talia wasn't who she seemed to be, that she was a Psi-Corps plant. That Talia, as Susan knew her, maybe never had been real.

When Susan finished Marcus turned her in his embrace, so that she faced him. Not saying a word he looked at her with such love in his eyes. He stroked her hair, her cheek and wrapped his arm around her again to hold her close.
She looked at him in wonder. *That look,* she thought, *I've seen it before, but where?*
She took in the smell of him, *God he smells good,* while trying to figure out where she'd seen that look before. Then she remembered, it had been on the White Star , in what now seemed to be another lifetime. It had been right before they beat the Shadows for the first time, before the Captain went to Z'Ha'Dum.
Marcus had said something to her in Minbari when she came off watch. What was it again? He'd said it was a greeting, but now that she knew the look he had given her while saying it, she wasn't so sure anymore.
She moved in his embrace so that she could look at him again.
"Marcus?"
"Hmmm?"
"You said something to me once, a long time ago. It was in Minbari and 'm not sure what it meant again. It was something like <Nusen fellani..>"
"<En alys bedron>?" He finished for her.
"Yes, that's it. What does it mean?"
Something told him she hadn't forgotten his reply then, but he decided to ignore that and tell her the truth.
"It means: you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. And you are."
She looked at him, surprised for a second, then remembering the way he'd said it.
"Thank you," she said, surprising them both.

The thoughts she'd had earlier came to her again. Why hadn't she thrown the Ranger out of an airlock before? What was different with him? She thought of all their White Star missions and it dawned on her.. slowly. No matter how annoying, she'd always felt comfortable around Marcus. No, not comfortable, that was downright impossible with the madness that always seemed to accompany the Ranger. It was more a sense of familiarity. There was something familiar about Marcus. She'd also come to respect and admire his fighting skills, he was a true warrior, much like herself.
The people she'd actually almost thrown out an airlock were all highly annoying lowlifes, who had had the audacity to challenge her authority.
Marcus never did that. He made fun of her, true, but he never diminished her.
The warmth of the man wrapped around her made her very drowsy and finally sleep caught up with her.

Marcus' thoughts were in a whirl. He'd always suspected someone or something had hurt her profoundly. But he never expected what she'd just told him. *But why not?* he chided himself, *I should have known she's been hurt as badly as I have been.*
And why had she suddenly asked him about that thing he'd said to her on the White Star? When he'd looked at her after she'd told her story, she'd had this look of wonder in her eyes. That look had changed to recognition and then she'd asked him. What had gone on in her mind? He'd have to ask her, but not now. Now he just wanted to lie here and relish the feeling of this amazing woman in his arms.

===

Susan's dream was disrupted by the beep of her comlink. She pulled herself to consciousness. She felt Marcus still wrapped around her, his hand with long slender fingers delicately cupping one of her breasts. *God this feels good. No wonder I had that dream,* she thought to herself. Then her comlink beeped again.
"This better be =real= good," she muttered, while carefully taking Marcus' hand away. She got up and walked to the kitchen counter. She picked up the comlink and snapped "Ivanova. This better be =real= good"
"Well, good morning to you too Commander Sunshine," quipped Michael Garibaldi's voice. Susan groaned.
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, I can't seem to locate Marcus. I need him to verify something for me and since you're the last person he was seen with.."
"Hang on, I just got up," Susan said when she saw Marcus come out of the bedroom.
"What's the matter?" he asked. Then, seeing the comlink, "Do they ever leave you alone?"
"Welcome to my life, Marcus. Garibaldi's looking for you. Shall we give him something to speculate?"
"Sure, if you're game."
"Michael, here's Marcus for ya," Susan said into the comlink, handing it over to Marcus.
She left Marcus to talk to Garibaldi and went back to the bedroom. She fell back into bed. A whole 'nother 45 minutes before her wakeup call! She was gonna kill Garibaldi!
She was almost back to sleep when Marcus came back in.
"They weren't joking when they said you =really= need coffee in the morning!" he quipped.
"If you don't like it Marcus, you can just go away. It should be forbidden to be this perky in the morning," Susan grumbled.
"Nah," he replied, getting back into bed with her. "I'd much rather stay here and annoy the hell out of you."
 
 

To be continued in 'Lost and Found II: Passion' ...

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