Impressions

by Beth Gualda

Rated G Character Piece

Summary: Takes place during The Phantom Menace. Lonely , bored, and frustrated on the crippled ship on Tatooine, Sabe' begins to romanticize about a certain young jedi.

Author's note: Please feel free to email me with any feedback kimberwicke@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: These character's and situations are not mine, they are the property of George Lucas and I only write fiction for fun not profit.

I decided to keep a journal, just to pass the time more than anything. I've also found that writing in it is almost like talking to a close friend. All my observations are here; everything I feel. My opinions and my beliefs. It helps me stay focused on who I am and not who I am pretending to be. No one seems to notice me when I am just being myself and I am beginning to feel lost. Lately, I find myself struggling to play the part I was assigned in this drama. Yes, the writing helps, but it can't replace talking to a real person.

Sometimes my heart gets so full of secrets and there is no one I can confide in. Especially now. I feel alone, despite being on a ship full of people. Presently, there is nothing I can really do but wait.

We are stranded for the time being, but safe. The ship is damaged and Padme' has left with Qui Gon Jinn and the Gungan to find replacement parts in the nearby city. No one has yet suspected that Padme' the handmaiden is really Queen Amidala. And only a selected few know that I am actually Sabe' her handmaiden and not the queen. That's how we want it though. It keeps her safe. Whenever she is threatened, I become the target for her. I am her bodyguard, her decoy, but also her friend. She is like a sister to me and I would do anything for her. Even risk losing my life for her.

The long hours spent on the ship are taking their toll on me. I am struggling to maintain this royal facade while faced with something bordering on frustration and boredom. Amidala was wise to insist she go along with Master Qui Gon. At least she can feel she is doing something to help the situation. I suppose, in my own way, I am too, but my contribution is too inactive for my taste. I don't find solace or satisfaction in it. Instead, I just feel helpless and useless. And very bored.

I have allowed myself one respite. I have found myself preoccupied with something more along the lines of what a normal fifteen year old girl would be preoccupied with.

In my case, it's the young jedi, Obi Wan. I catch myself thinking about him alot. When he is near me, I can't help but watch him. He is a rather dashing figure; young, brash, and handsome. It is easy to romanticize about him because in truth, I know nothing about him. I have never even really spoken with him. He's not exactly outgoing; he's extremely quiet, almost to the point of being unsociable.

Left behind like me, he is also struggling to pass the time. And I'm certain he must feel just as helpless as I do. With his friend gone now, he really doesn't have anyone to talk to either. I actually feel a little sorry for him. He is confined on a ship with total strangers. At least I know everyone. At least I have the other handmaidens and Captain Panaka close by.

Maybe that is why he keeps to himself mostly. He tries to be polite with everybody, but I can tell he's not one to mince words or mingle with people. And there's this sense of restlessness about him. He seems to want to be anywhere but here.

As a jedi, I find him fascinating. He is so different from any other man I have been aquainted with. He regally carries himself with an almost arrogant confidence and at the same time he manages to occupy his space in an effectively inconspicuous way. But, if there is one thing I know for sure about him, it's that contradictions seem to be an integral part of his personality. I've noticed how he is capable of conveying simultaneous emotions with one expression. Sometimes conflicting emotions. Because of this, it is hard to know what he is thinking or what he is feeling at a given moment. He's very mysterious that way.

I find myself wondering about who he is and his life as a jedi. I think about the important people he's met and all the star systems he has been to. I wish I could ask him questions and find out more about the incredible jedi powers he possesses and the understanding he has of different things. I know I never will though. I think just the fact that he is a jedi makes him more aloof. He is revered by all of us in a way and it's easy to idolize him. Maybe he wouldn't seem so unapproachable to me if I really were a queen.

So far, he hasn't suspected anything about me. As far as he is concerned, I am the queen. And I know he is not aware of how intrigued with him I am . In fact, I'm sure he doesn't think about me anymore than he has to. When he does speak to me, he is very formal and always to the point. In a way, it's disappointing. I'd really like to get to know him better. I wish I could just talk to him.

Unfortunately our desparate situation has once again taken precedence. Things are going from bad to worse. From what I can tell, we may be stuck here for a lot longer than anyone first estimated. Captain Panaka just told me Qui Gon has so far been unable to purchase the parts the ship needs and now the storm is preventing him from seeking them elsewhere.

The very idea of spending even a minute longer here is weighing heavily on everyone's mind. We've been given more reason for urgency having just received a transmission from Governor Bibble. The news from Naboo is heartwrenching. People are beginning to die under the occupation of the Trade Federation. We all watched the transmission in the throne room of the ship in silent horror. Afterwards, I felt empty and cold. I didn't know what to do and knew there really wasn't anything I could do at this point. There was no way to contact Amidala for orders and I was not about to make any decisions in this matter without first consulting her.

I looked over at Captain Panaka and Obi Wan seated at the side of the room. I wondered if the jedi could feel my sense of helplessness. I wondered if he felt that way too. I was startled when he suddenly locked eyes with me and sprung off the bench, his long cloak swirling around him.

"It's a trick. Send no reply. Send no transmissions of any kind," he commanded in a tone that dared questioning. He strode out of the room leaving the rest of us mired in stunned silence.

I turned to Captain Panaka. He shook his head slowly.

"He's probably right. We can't afford to risk exposing our location by sending a reply." He offered me a sympathetic expression. "A reply would not help anyway." He got up and followed the jedi out of the room.

Rabe' and Eirtaie' rushed over to me.

"What are you going to do?" Rabe' whispered loudly.

"There is nothing I can do, " I whispered back. "We'll just have to wait and see what develops."

I could tell neither one of them welcomed that idea. I couldn't blame them. The waiting was becoming intolerable. I got up from the throne. I didn't want to be in this room anymore. I had to get out. The handmaidens started to follow me but I motioned them to stay put.

"I want to be alone," I muttered. "I'll only be gone for a few minutes. I just want to walk around a little."

I could tell from their expressions they didn't like this idea either. Granted, wandering around alone on a ship wasn't a very majestic thing to do, but there was no reason for alarm. I assured them I wasn't going outside. I just needed some time to think about things.

More than anything, I just wanted a good cleansing cry. This situation was beginning to overwhelm me. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing by not contacting the governor. I had no way of knowing what Amidala would have wanted. Maybe she would know of some reason to go against what Obi Wan had advised. I trusted him but maybe that was because I was reasoning with my heart and not my head. Right now, I just wanted to have the chance to release my emotions and get them out of the way so I could think clearer.

There were too many people on the upper decks so I slipped down a level to the engine rooms.

The only sound there was the faint humming of various functioning components. Other than that it was soothingly quiet. Since the ship was not in space, the room was deserted. I found a darkened corner, leaned into it and quickly succumbed to my tears, burying my face in my hands. Weakly, I slid to the floor, letting my royal gown pool in crumpled layers all around me. It didn't matter if I looked undignified. I found that liberating in a sense. Besides, there was no one to see me.

Or so I thought...

"Your Highness?"

Startled, I looked up. Obi Wan was kneeling in front of me with a grave look of concern on his face. I immediately stopped crying and wiped my eyes angrily. He was the last person I wanted to see right now. Ashamed, I bowed my head.

He took a deep breath and continued in a very soft voice.

"I know all this must be terribly trying for you..."

I shook my head and tried to resume my air of sovereignty.

"You can't possibly know," I told him, more sharper than I intended. I was more than a little flustered and my nerves were getting the better of me. In truth, I wasn't irritated with him at all. I was more angry with myself for letting him see me in such a sorry state. He must think I'm just a sniveling child. A real queen would have never displayed such weakness.

Tentatively, he placed his hand over his heart.

"I wasn't being presumptuous, Your Highness. I can sense it in you," he explained. "The despair you're feeling is so prevalent...I can almost see it."

His voice was so gentle and sincere. I had never heard him speak that way before. Slowly I looked into his eyes. I could feel my heart begin to pound fitfully inside me and I found myself so taken by his engaging good looks, I was rendered speechless.

He misinterpreted my silence and leaned away from me slightly. He licked his lips apprenhensibly before speaking again. And there was a hint of uncertainty in his expressive eyes. There was no trace of his usual arrogance and what he said next confirmed my observation.

"I spoke with Qui Gon," he assured me. "He agrees with me...about the transmission being a trick." The way he conveyed this told me he was hoping to restore any faith I had lost in him. Surely if Qui Gon agreed with him....

"I can see you are not as confident as you try to project," I said, stupidly thinking aloud.

I regretted it deeply as he actually looked a little hurt.

"It's important that you trust me, Your Majesty."

I wanted to tell him that I did, that I didn't mean to say such a thing. Instead, all I could do was stare at him, utterly captivated.

It clearly made him uncomfortable. He lowered his eyes and frowned deeply.

"Well...try not to worry," he said, somewhat falteringly as if knowing the futility behind such words.

I did manage to nod, but what I really wanted to do was reassure him that I was not angry with him and apologize for my tone. Before I could say anything, he rose, turned, and disappeared behind one of the reactors.

The sudden void I felt in his absence, shook me out of my trance-like state.

"Obi Wan?" I called softly, not wholly convinced I wanted him to hear me and respond.

After a few minutes had passed, I stiffly climbed to my feet. I began to wonder why he had been down on this level so I started looking for him.

I found him at long last kneeling down on the floor, half in, half out of one of the stabilizer cabinets. Numerous tools and machine parts lay scattered on the floor around him. He had obviously been working at whatever he was doing for sometime and was entirely engrossed in his project. He couldn't see me from his position inside the cabinet and I took advantage of this to merely observe him for awhile.

I noticed he reached for different objects without bothering to look for them. He must have known exactly where everything was and I realized he must have these parts and tools a lot more organized than I had first thought.

I knew the precise moment he sensed my presence. He froze momentarily, then quickly pulled himself out from inside the cabinet and twisted around to face me. His expression was one of open curiosity. He seemed surprised that I had sought him out. Before he could say anything, I found my voice.

"What are you doing?" I asked, genuinely curious myself.

He turned around and stood up before answering me.

"Some minor fine tuning," he replied quietly.

Minor fine tuning? I gestured at the various parts on the floor at his feet.

"It looks to me like you're in the process of tearing the ship apart," I countered, again sounding more irritated than I was. I took a deep breath and tried to settle my nerves.

To my surprise, he shook his head and flashed a smile. It was the first time I had ever seen him smile and I was somewhat taken aback by it. It was more like an impish grin, but it completely transformed his normally dour expression into one of jocular mirth.

"No," he assured me. "It's nothing like that." He glanced at the parts around him. "Even though I agree with you, it does appear that way."

I waited for him to say something else but he didn't and the silence between us was beginning to feel awkward. I realized he was looking at me like he expected me to say something.

I took a quick breath and said, "You must be mechanically minded." I meant it as a compliment but I'm not sure he grasped that part of it. His brow furrowed and I suddenly found myself under intense scrutiny. He was looking at me as if he were trying to classify some newly discovered plant species. He wore a peculiar expression that was completely unreadable. Then he seemed to shrug it off.

"It gives me something to do. I've never been good at idly passing time."

I nodded in wholehearted empathy. "It's very hard to just wait."

He sighed and his pale blue eyes darkened. He suddenly became defensive and I realized I must have sounded as if I was complaining.

"Your Majesty, I assure you, we won't be here any longer than we have to."

I chewed my lower lip irritably and put my hands on my hips. "I know that. I wasn't accusing anyone. I wasn't being sarcastic and I'm not angry....You know, I thought jedi were supposed to be able to sense what other people are feeling."

He looked at me curiously. "In most cases they can."

"Well, you don't seem to be able to! In fact, you are the most insensitive jedi I have ever met." I sighed heavily. I didn't know why I was suddenly taking my frustrations out on him. It wasn't his fault I couldn't make myself understood. But then in a way, it was.

My insult seemed to catch him off guard. He appeared quite put off by what I had said. He stood staring back at me, those eyes piercing through me like icy daggers. I had to struggle to keep from cowering under his gaze. Then he looked away from me briefly as if to compose himself. When he finally faced me again, he had resumed his passive expression.

"You are angry," he pronounced knowingly. "It doesn't take a master of the Force to know that."

"Well I am now," I grumbled then sighed heavily. I was beginning to think having a normal and pleasant conversation with this man was farther beyond me than I had ever imagined. I would never make friends with him at this rate. I tried to explain myself better. "It's just that I feel so isolated here. There is nothing I can do to help anybody with anything. If I had someone I could talk to...I could bear all this much better." I paused and studied his face for any sign of understanding. There was none. I might as well have been talking to one of the stone statues in the courtyard. "You seem to be rather isolated yourself," I continued, hoping to prompt him into admitting he could also use a friend.

"I don't feel isolated, Your Highness," he stated matter-of-factly. He lowered his eyes, folding his arms across his chest, and buried his hands in the sleeves of his cloak.

Why did he have to make it sound like that was a totally unfounded observation on my part? I began to wonder if perhaps his isolation was self imposed. Especially now, since he looked resigned to the fact that I was going to talk to him whether he wanted me to or not and struck a politely attentive pose. I could just imagine me thinking I had his undivided attention when in reality he was meditating on some ancient jedi philosophy. I began feeling very foolish, wondering why it was so important to me to connect with this man. There was nothing I could tell him that would spark his interest in me. He clearly regarded me as something he was forced to endure. I decided at this point, the best course of action would be to just leave him alone before he ended up truly disliking me. I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat and took a small step back.

Slowly, he raised those fiery blue eyes to me. He appeared both perplexed and irritated. I could feel myself withering.

"I'll go now," I told him. "I didn't mean to disturb you." I turned on my heel to make a hasty departure and put as much distance between us as possible.

"You're not disturbing me, Your Highness," he said softly. "I apologize if I gave you that impression."

I turned to face him, renewed hope flooding my heart. He gestured dismissively at the reactor behind him.

"I'm only 'tearing the ship apart' because I have nothing else to do." His eyes continued to blaze, but the corners of his mouth turned up slightly in a shadow of a smile.

I stared up at him with an incredulous expression.

"In truth," he continued, his whole demeanor softening considerably, "I want you to think of me as someone you can turn to. I know we haven't gotten off to a good start, but I want you to feel you can talk to me."

I sighed, relieved. "Between my accusations and my insults, I was beginning to think I was the last person you would want to talk to. I thought you had formed a negative impression of me. Which I suppose I deserved."

"Not at all," he said with a smile. "I confess, I tend to get overly defensive at times. I try to compensate for my own feelings of inadequacy. And I am feeling somewhat inadequate presently."

"Oh, Obi Wan. How could you? After all you and Master Qui Gon have done for us. For me." I knew exactly how he felt since I felt the same way, and was very moved by his admission. I wanted to reassure him that having him here meant a lot to me. "I'm glad you stayed behind. I feel safer."

He bowed his head slightly. "Thank you. That alone is gratifying." He paused and took a slow, deep breath. He faced me again with a solemn expression. "I want you to know I have nothing but the highest respect for you. You have shown a remarkable amount of strength and courage throughout this ordeal. You are a capable leader of your people." He paused momentarily and when he continued his voice was very tender. "The tears you shed for them demonstrate your great compassion, not any kind of weakness."

"That is your impression of the queen," I said flatly. "I had hoped you would tell me your impression of 'me.' I'm losing myself in all this. Impressions people have of me are really of someone else. Sometimes even I don't know who I am supposed to be." I stepped closer to him. "Tell me who I am..."

Obi Wan began to walk around me slowly, his eyes focusing beyond my physical self. He was concentrating now. He reminded me of a computer that was downloading information or a student in a classroom calculating a difficult equation. He stopped walking and stood in front of me, then he closed his eyes and became utterly motionless.

I began to wonder just how much he could sense about me. I knew enough about the jedi to know what it was he was doing. In some cases they could read thoughts or intent. Obi Wan was using the Force, gathering the essence of my identity to him. I didn't know if I felt entirely comfortable with his ability to do this. Maybe he would discover that I was just a pretentious teenage girl, with what could only be described as a childish crush on him, and not a sovereign queen trying to cope with matters of state. I realized I didn't like the idea of all my secret thoughts and feelings being revealed to him. I was just about to tell him to stop when he opened his eyes and spoke.

"You're not lost," he stated assertively. "But you're not at all who you appear to be," he continued quietly. His expression told me he was trying to sort through the meaning behind this. "I don't understand why I sense this about you. It's like having a sense of two people. There is the person who is strong, courageous, and fiercely devoted. Then there is someone modest, humble even, who feels a little unworthy, but of what or whom, I do not know. Your heart is struggling to appease these people. Sacrificing feelings and keeping them so hidden, there is almost no sense of them."

I found myself fascinated by his account and urged him to continue.

"What feelings have I sacrificed? What is it that my heart keeps hidden?"

He paused momentarily as if trying to organize his thoughts to better convey them to me. "These feelings are buried so deeply, they are but shadows of true emotions." He was clearly hesitant to reveal more.

I tried to imagine what he might have sensed hidden away in my heart. Independence? I had certainly sacrificed that. Truth? Most definitely. I looked into his eyes and sighed. Love, perhaps? It wasn't as farfetched as it seemed and it would definitely explain a lot. I remember hearing once how powerless we are when it comes to love. We don't choose whom we fall in love with. It just happens. Happiness is found when our heart's desire falls in love too.

Why did my heart's desire have to be him? There was no chance of him ever falling in love with me. I knew what I felt for him was going to cause me considerable heartache and though difficult at best, it would be merciful for me to swiftly put an end to perceiving him that way. All was not lost however. He had offered me his friendship, which in truth was more than I initially hoped for. The idea of being his friend was actually more appealing to me at this point.

"You're very perceptive, Obi Wan," I began easily. "And only slightly off the mark."

He raised his brow, his expression both doubtful and amused. He visibly relaxed.

"Your Majesty still questions my abilities?"

I smiled and shook my head. I was amazed at how comfortable I suddenly felt with him now.

"No. Just your interpretations."

He considered this. "You have me there. Sometimes my interpretations are shaky at best." He lowered his eyes momentarily and became very serious suddenly. "I am certain of this, Your Highness: You are honorable, loyal, and caring. You are wise and possess great sensitivity." He slowly raised his eyes to meet mine. "You would make a fine jedi."

That was certainly the highest praise I could have received from him. I smiled even more and tried hard not to blush.

"That's very kind of you," I told him. "I only hope I can live up to your assessment of me."

He leaned towards me, speaking quietly but confidently.

"Your Highness, don't be so hard on yourself. Going before the Senate is the best course of action, you must realize this. If you had become a prisoner of the Trade Federation, there would have been nothing you could have done to save Naboo." He paused and sighed heavily. "The damage to the ship is only a temporary offset. We'll be on our way again shortly. Qui Gon is aware of the urgency of the situation and is doing everything possible to obtain the replacements parts. In fact, he's formed a rather elaborate plan he is certain will secure what we need."

I noticed his eyes narrow slightly as he relayed this last bit of information. Maybe he wasn't as sure as his master concerning the success of this 'elaborate' plan. I wondered how it was that he knew what Qui Gon was up to, so I asked.

He produced a small handheld comlink and held it up for my inspection.

"We are in constant communication. We've been updating each other regularly," he informed.

I felt silly. "I thought maybe you two had some kind of jedi mind connection. I would have never thought you would have to rely on a simple mechanical device like the rest of us."

He grinned. "Well, I do have a sense of him," he admitted. "That's what I meant when I told you I didn't feel isolated. In a way, he is always with me." He paused and frowned slightly. "I'm sorry you feel so isolated. I want you to know that I am here for you. If you need anything...all you need to do is ask. I promise I'll stay close to you and I won't let anything happen to you. You must trust me, Your Highness." He straightened and took a deep breath. "I realize sometimes it is hard, but don't get discouraged. Righteousness is on our side."

I could feel my throat tightening and my eyes begin to water again. I stood looking up at him, feeling as if I had just now met him for the first time. I felt like I hadn't really known him before.

Impulsively, I extended my hand towards him in greeting. He peered at it curiously, then seized it in a firm, warm grasp.

"I'm glad to know you, Obi Wan," I told him. "I very pleased you want to be my friend."

He smiled and inclined his head slightly. "I'm pleased to know you as well. And I'm honored to be counted among Your Majesty's friends."

"Your Highness! Your Highness!" It was Captain Panaka. He suddenly materialized between two stabilizer basins. He spied us and quickly strode over to where we stood.

"Captain, why the urgency?" I questioned, slightly miffed at his intrusion.

"Your Highness, we have been searching for you. The handmaidens and I were beginning to worry," he explained. "We thought perhaps you might have left the ship."

Obi Wan faced me and tried to look stern. "She wouldn't have dared. Not without me to escort her anyway."

"I'm grateful for your concern, gentlemen, but as you can see, I am quite safe," I replied. I tried to resign myself to the idea of going back to the throne room under the watchful eye of Rabe' and Eirtae' and Captain Panaka. I stepped dutifully towards the captain's outstretched hand. Then I turned back and looked at Obi Wan. He was smiling warmly. I knew I had helped him in the same way he had helped me. I felt encouraged and strengthened by our conversation. I'm sure he did too.

"See that you get my ship put back together by the time we are ready to leave," I mockingly commanded.

Obi Wan bowed to me. "You have my word, Your Highness," he said with a mischevious twinkle in his eye. "The last thing I want is to be held responsible for anymore delays."

Captain Panaka frowned. He looked from me to Obi Wan, confused.

I shook my head and smiled. "Never mind, Captain. Obi Wan knows exactly what I mean." And I was very grateful that he did.