The Doubt That Joining Brings

By Paradox761

Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Star Trek. No copyright infringement is intended, so please don't sue. I don't have any money anyway.

****

Ezri awoke to the sensation of a pair of strong arms wrapped around her, and kisses on the back of her neck. She smiled and cooed in pleasure. 'I could get used to waking up like this,' she thought. She turned over to face the man holding her, managing to do so without slipping out of his grasp. She leaned up and kissed him tenderly on the lips. "Good morning," she said softly.

"It certainly is," he returned, leaning down to kiss her again.

The kiss broke slowly and she closed her eyes and hummed with contentment. "To think, I've got you all to myself today," she said. As busy as the two of them had been recently with how crowded the station was getting since the end of the war, they felt like they hardly got to see each other, even though they spent practically all of their off time in the other's company.

"Almost," Julian said. "I just have one little thing to take care of in the Infirmary. I'll be an hour, tops."

"Can't this station go even one day without it's handsome and talented CMO?" Ezri asked with a smile.

Julian smiled too. He knew when he was being baited, and when his ego was being stroked. Didn't mean he liked it any less, he just knew when she was doing it. "What can I say, I'm a hot commodity," he teased.

Ezri smiled seductively. "I've always thought so," she said, her hands snaking around to grab his rear-end.

Julian just smiled as he leaned down and kissed her again. "You know, if I go now, I'll be back before you even get out of the shower," he said.

"And what if I'm not willing to let you go just yet?" she said, her hands still squeezing his behind.

"Then I guess I'm trapped," he said. "Unless of course..." he trailed off, a wicked smile crossing his lips.

"No," Ezri said. "Julian, don't."

"Too late," he said. And that's when he pounced, and started tickling her. Her laughter echoed throughout the room. To Julian, it sounded like the most beautiful music he had ever heard. Her smile shining like a thousand stars. She pleaded for him to stop between fits of giggles, but Julian didn't let up.

"Mercy! mercy!" she yelled, laughing.

Julian finally stopped, falling back to his side and just looking at her. She was all flushed, and still laughing a little bit as her breathing calmed. 'God, she's so beautiful,' he thought.

"You're incorrigible," she said, still chuckling. Julian just smiled. "That's not fair. You know my weakness, but I don't know yours."

Julian seemed to get serious for a moment. He reached over and touched the side of her face. "That's easy," he said. "You're my weakness."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"All I have to do is look at you, and my knees go weak. One smile from you fills the room with light, and nothing else can be seen. Your eyes are like galactic spirals, infinitely bright and beautiful. Do you have any idea how often I think about you? The feel of your skin, the smell of your hair. The sound of your voice, like music that reaches into my soul. It's all I can do some times just to concentrate during staff meetings, having you so close and not being able to touch you, to kiss you. You're my weakness Ezri Dax."

Ezri blushed slightly under his gaze. She remembered all the times they had shared a turbolift ride after a staff meeting, and Julian would kiss her as soon as they were out of sight, seemingly for no reason. She smiled at the revelation. She liked knowing she had so much of an affect on him. He affected her too. She leaned over and kissed him sweetly. The kiss became more and more passionate, as the lovers embraced fully. His hands were buried in her hair and she could feel his arousal against her thigh as their bodies rubbed together. She broke the kiss reluctantly. "The sooner you go, the sooner you'll be back, right?" she said.

"I don't want to go," Julian said, leaning in for another kiss.

Ezri laughed as she kissed him back a little, but pulled her head back. "I'm serious. I don't want them calling you on the com at a point when you won't be in any condition to answer it," she said with a smile.

"You're right," he said.

"Don't sound so surprised," Ezri said with a laugh. Julian smiled too, and leaned in for another kiss, but Ezri put a finger over his lips. "Shower," she said.

"Shower," Julian repeated dejectedly, sliding out of bed. He walked toward the bathroom, Ezri watching him as he went.

She sat up in bed and pulled the sheet up over her chest. "Gods, the things that man does to me," she mumbled.

A scant few minutes later, Julian emerged wearing his uniform. He turned and faced Ezri where she sat on the bed, still naked covered in only a sheet. He smiled. "I know it's too much to ask that you hold that pose until I come back, so I guess I'll just have to burn it into my memory."

Ezri smiled a struck a pose. One arm thrown above her head, the other on her hip, the sheet pulled tight to show her curves. Julian just made a slight growling noise, as though it was taking every ounce of his will power not to jump on top of her right then and there. 'One hour,' he said to himself. 'Just one hour.' But it promised to be the longest hour of Julian's life.

He turned to go when she called after him. "Julian." He turned. She sat up, tucking the sheet under her arms. She looked at him with a sexy pout. "Hurry back, I'll get lonely without you," she said in the 'little-girl' voice that she knew drove him nuts.

Julian closed the distance between them in two steps, leaning down for a searing kiss. The kind of kiss that fills your soul, and you can feel down to your toes. "And you said you didn't know my weakness," he whispered as the kiss broke. "You're evil, you know that."

Ezri just smiled and gave him the 'what, little ol' me' look.

Julian shook his head and smiled as he turned and headed for the door. He could feel those piercing blue eyes on his back, and he knew that if he turned around one more time, he'd never leave. "The things that woman does to me," he muttered softly to himself.

Ezri heard the doors slide shut and fell back down onto the bed with a laugh. Today was definitely going to be memorable, she thought.

*

Ezri rose slowly a few minutes later and made her way to the shower. There was a little extra spring in her step that morning, as she absently hummed a tune that she only vaguely remembered was from some Klingon opera. She walked into the bathroom and called for the lights. Looking at herself in the mirror, she had to let out a laugh. Her hair looked like a cat had fallen asleep on top of her head. She recalled the sexy pose she had stroke as Julian exited. "I must have looked so silly," she said to herself as she stepped into the sonic shower and turned it on. 'Julian probably didn't even notice,' she told herself. 'He's so sweet.' Her thoughts drifted to the words he had said to her. The couple had been pretty hot and heavy over the past few weeks, but they had never really talked with each other about how they felt. Ezri was a little surprised by his admission, and she was a little surprised when she thought about her own feelings for him now as well. Neither one of them had said the 'L' word yet, but she was becoming more and more confident now that it was only a matter of time.

'Let's see,' she thought to herself. 'We'll probably spend most of the day here. Maybe a trip to the holosuite later, something that doesn't involve fighting a hopeless battle. Maybe Vic's.' She started humming another tune as she thought of the holographic nightclub singer. "I've got you, under my skin," she sang.

She finished up in the shower and got out, standing in front of the mirror brushing her hair. "One smile from you fills the room with light," she repeated to herself with a smile. "Your eyes are like galactic spirals." Why did that sound so familiar? "Infinitely bright and, oh, gods." She remembered.

"Jadzia, would you have dinner with me tonight?"

"Julian, I told you, I'm not interested in a relationship with you."

"I asked you to dinner, not to get married," Julian defended. "Just as friends then."

Jadzia looked unsure. Julian just smiled. "All right," she said. "But just as friends."

"Great," Julian said, his smile beaming. He leaned forward a little, leaning on the table at the replimat where they sat. "Have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?"

"Many times," Jadzia said, not even looking up from her PADD.

"They're like galactic spirals, infinitely bright and beautiful."

"Julian," Jadzia said in an annoyed and exasperated voice.

"You know, I'm going to stop chasing after you one day Jadzia Dax," Julian said. If he was hurt by her attitude he didn't show it. "And you're going to miss it."

Jadzia didn't answer. She just shook her head and turned her attention back to the PADD she'd been reading.

"Oh my god," Ezri repeated again. Her hand went to her mouth as she looked at her own shocked expression in the mirror. She grabbed her silk robe from where it hung next to the door and threw it on, heading out into the living room. She headed to the replicator. "Raktajino," she ordered absently. A mug materialized and Ezri picked it up and took a sip without even thinking. Then she coughed and spewed it all over the carpet.

"Agh! Damn it!" she cursed.

She put the mug back into the replicator.

"Make that hot chocolate," she ordered instead. 'I can't believe it,' she thought as she took the hot chocolate and sat down on the couch. 'He said the same thing to her, nearly seven years ago. What does this mean? Is he thinking about her? Is that what this is about, her? Is he just with me because I'm Dax? No, it can't be. Julian wouldn't do that. Unlesswhat if he doesn't know he's doing it? It's possible. He could have projected his feelings for Jadzia onto me without even realizing it?' Ezri growled with frustration as she got up and started to pace.

'I know he cared for Jadzia, she cared for him too. A lot. Could I be getting confused with Jadzia's feelings too? No, I know how I feel. Don't I? Aw hell, emotionally speaking I don't know my ass from my elbow. I don't even know who I am in the morning half the time until I look in the mirror. I mean, it's gotten better, but I still get confused sometimes. I guess it's possible.' Ezri stopped pacing and dropped down onto the couch again. She let her head fall into her hands as she let out a big sigh. Not five minutes ago she couldn't have been happier, and now it was all falling apart at the seams. Did Julian really love her? Did she really love him? Or maybe emotionally speaking, the two of them were just so screwed up, they were trying to recapture something Jadzia and he had had but were never able to pursue.

Ezri wanted to scream, she was so frustrated. Her thoughts were going a mile a minute, but none of it was leading anywhere. She had to think. She had to back herself away and get perspective. She was a counselor after all, this is what she did for a living. She could figure it out. She just needed perspective. She needed someone else. That was it, she needed to talk to somebody. But who? Kira? No, she wouldn't understand. The emotions of a joined Trill were very complex. She needed a professional. 'Physician, heal thy self,' she heard somewhere in the back of her head. Or at least another Trill, they would understand. But there weren't any- that's it.

****

Ezri took a deep breath and closed her eyes, calming herself for the ritual. She stood in front of her full-length mirror in her bedroom as she began to recite the words. They rolled off her tongue with little effort. She had them memorized from the last time she had done this, with Joran. She hoped to herself though that this experience went a little better then that one. She opened her eyes when she was finished, and looked into the mirror. Nothing. "Damn! Don't tell me you're going to make me beg too."

"Nah, I was just playing with you."

Ezri whirled around at the sound of the voice. Standing there in her quarters, dressed in a blue Starfleet uniform, was Jadzia Dax.

"Jadzia."

"You sound surprised," Jadzia said with a smile. She looked around the room a bit, walking around before sitting down on the bed. "You're the one who called me, remember."

"I remember," Ezri said. "I need your help."

"I know," Jadzia said. "You want to know if Julian loves you, or if he's just using you as a substitute for me."

"Exactly," Ezri said. "I mean, in the beginning, everyone had a hard time adjusting. Well, except maybe Benjamin. But he's the only one who's done this before, remained friends with a Trill that has changed hosts."

"As I recall, Benjamin's and my friendship wasn't always easy either," Jadzia said. "We had quite a past with each other. Sometimes it made it easier, but sometimes it just got in the way."

"Tell me about it," Ezri said as she started to pace. "I'm not even going to start with what happened between me and Worf."

"You don't have to," Jadzia said. "I know."

"Oh, right," Ezri said. "You're Jadzia, but you're a part of me as well. Which means that you know everything that I know."

"I'm just an accumulation of Jadzia's memories, personified by your subconscious to make things easier. I'm not really Jadzia, I'm not even really here."

"You're real enough. After all, what is a person but a sum of their memories."

Jadzia smiled. "Lela said that to me during my zhian'tara."

"I remember," Ezri said. "Or maybe you're the one remembering and I'm just feeling it too because you're a part of my mind, like you said."

"I'd recommend you don't think about it, you're already confused enough as it is."

"Good point," Ezri said. "Okay. Does Julian love me?" she asked, herself as much as Jadzia.

"Yes," Jadzia answered, lying down on her side on Ezri's bed, propping her head up on her elbow.

"But how can you be so sure?" Ezri asked, still pacing.

"Because I know Julian Bashir. This isn't something he took lightly. Remember how worried he was about telling you how he felt, how worried you both were. That you'd ruin what you already had by trying for more. Julian wouldn't have risked it if he wasn't sure."

"But, what if he's confused over his feelings for you. We both know that he loved you," Ezri said.

"I'm not denying that," Jadzia said. "And in a way, I loved him too. He was a good friend. He put up with a lot."

"I know, you weren't exactly very nice to him when you first met."

"Well, he had that whole cute puppy dog thing going for him back then. I liked him, I thought he was nice, it was just…I felt…"

"Superior?" Ezri prompted.

Jadzia nodded sadly. "It's a sin, I know. I was so arrogant back then. Newly joined, thinking that I had such a bead on the universe, like I knew everything. I had given in completely to the symbiont and suppressed Jadzia all together. It took me a while, but I finally got the balance right. I guess I have Julian to thank for that too. He showed me that just because the host was younger, didn't mean she was inferior. That wisdom tempered by youth was the key to being a joined Trill."

"He really is a great guy," Ezri said, still pacing. "But, what if it's just sympathy. I mean, I've had my share of problems being joined, and Julian's always been there for me. Maybe it's just out of respect to you. Maybe it's out of his love for you."

"Where are all these doubts coming from?" Jadzia asked. "I can't believe that this is all over some silly line that he probably got out of a book of clichés twenty years ago."

"That was just the catalyst," Ezri said. "I didn't realize it, I guess because I haven't really been thinking about it, but these feelings have been there the whole time. I've just been pushing them aside instead of dealing with them. I mean, what if he's just confusing me with you. Does he really love me?"

"For the last time, yes," Jadzia said.

"And by last time you mean second time," Ezri returned.

Jadzia just let out a frustrated sigh. "Would you please stop pacing, you're making me dizzy." Ezri stopped and looked down at Jadzia. Jadzia sat up and sighed again. "Come here," she said, rising from the bed and taking Ezri's elbow. She walked her over to the full-length mirror. "Look at the two of us," she said. "Can you honestly say Julian could possibly confuse the two of us?"

"I didn't mean physically," Ezri said.

"But that's the whole point. We are very different Ezri, and not just physically. Yes, I'm tall."

"You're an Amazon," Ezri put in.

"And you're…"

"Short."

"Petite," Jadzia said. "And our personalities. I'm much more forceful, and you're…"

"Weak."

"Reserved," Jadzia said. "Stop that. You have the memories and life experiences of eight other people inside you, and yet you've managed to stay who you are. To not let the symbiont take over."

"I don't have the discipline you did," Ezri said. "Those eight other people have been running me ragged for over a year now."

"Cut that out. You can't lie to me, remember. You're selling yourself short. You've been joined for over a year, and you're your own person. The rest of us are just here for flavor. The spices on the meat. And trust me, it's the steak that Julian wants, not the salt."

"But…"

"No," Jadzia interrupted. "No more buts. These are your insecurities talking, you can't give them power. You are an intelligent, vibrant, sexy woman and Julian Bashir is madly in love with you. That's that."

"I wish I could be that sure," Ezri said, still looking in the mirror at herself and Jadzia.

"You are," Jadzia answered. "I'm just a figment of your imagination, remember. Albeit a very powerful figment, but a figment nonetheless. You know this as much as I do."

Ezri took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I love him," she said softly. "I really do. I'm just…"

"Scared," Jadzia supplied. "That's life, kid."

Ezri turned to face her. "And you're not…mad? I mean, part of the reason that we're so close is because of what the two of you had, we can't deny that."

"Ezri, of course I'm not mad. I'm dead, remember. It's kind of hard to get jealous when you're dead. Besides, I know a lot of people said that this was Julian's second chance to be with Dax. I prefer to see it as our second chance to be with him," she said with a smile.

Ezri smiled back, and leaned in to hug Jadzia. "Thank you Jadzia," she said. "You've helped me a lot."

"That's what I'm here for," she said, hugging her back.

"I wish I could repay you."

"Well, actually, you can," Jadzia said.

The hug broke and Ezri pulled back to look at her. "How?"

"Indulge me once in a while," she said. "I'm a facet of your personality now, and more often then not I'm the one telling you to do all those things that you're afraid to. Listen to me every now and then. And let your hair down," she said, moving her hand up to touch Ezri's short black hair. "So to speak," she added.

Ezri laughed. "I'll try," she said.

"I mean it Ezri," Jadzia said. "And there's one thing in particular that I mean, and I think you know what that is."

Ezri blushed. "Jadzia, I can't. What about Julian?"

"Julian will understand," Jadzia said. "Come on," she said, sounding like an excited child asking their parents for something. "Do you know how long it's been?" She paused. "How long it's been since we've had a taste of female flesh."

"Jadzia!" Ezri exclaimed.

"Too long," Jadzia said. "Not since before me and Worf got together. That night after I cleaned Quark and his boys out at Tongo, and I ended up walking Leeta back to her quarters." Ezri smiled a little. "There! I saw that!"

"What?"

"You smiled!" Jadzia exclaimed. "You enjoy that memory just as much as I do. It's my memory you know, a gift from the facet of your personality that is Jadzia. The least you can do is give us a few more memories to keep us going." She said with a smile.

Ezri smiled a little too, then shook it off. "I can't believe I'm even considering this. After everything we just talked about, about Julian."

"I told you, Julian will understand. You know they used to be a thing. In fact, Leeta probably wouldn't mind if all three of you…"

"Jadzia!"

"Oh, come on," Jadzia said. "Stop acting so shocked. Look at yourself for crying out loud. You're all flushed just thinking about it."

Ezri looked down at herself. She was sweating, and it seemed to be getting warmer. Her thin silk robe was clinging to her.

"In fact," Jadzia said, breaking Ezri out of her thoughts. "You're kind of cute when you're all hot and bothered," she said with a sly smile. She took a few steps toward Ezri.

"Jadzia, what are you thinking?" Ezri asked, her voice sounding unsure, but also excited.

"You know exactly what I'm thinking," Jadzia said, smiling seductively. "Don't tell me you've never thought about me that way."

Jadzia kept walking forward until she had backed Ezri up to the bed. Ezri sat down when her legs hit. Jadzia just leaned forward, putting her hands on the bed so that their faces were inches apart. "This is so wrong," Ezri said, her voice thick with desire.

Jadzia just smiled again as she lowered herself to her knees. "But that's what makes it so much fun," she said. She reached up and slowly pulled on the belt that held the robe closed like it was the bow on a birthday gift. The robe fell open, exposing Ezri's bare skin. Jadzia ran her hands across the other woman's thighs and up across her hips. "Oh, what a tight little body," Jadzia cooed.

Ezri could only let out a low moan as she fell back onto her elbows, letting the robe fall open even more. Part of her mind was wondering how she had gotten in this position. One minute they were talking about Julian, and the next they were talking about Leeta. Ezri herself had never been with another woman, but Jadzia's memories of the encounter with the Dabo girl had always been an incredible turn on for her. She had always wanted to…but then this thing with Julian started…

Ezri's last rational thought floated away when she felt Jadzia's tongue along her skin. She looked down to see her placing little kisses on the inside of her thighs. Instinctively her legs opened further to give Jadzia better access. Ezri felt her hands gently cupping her ass as she lifted it off the bed and brought it closer to her face. She felt Jadzia's tongue as it first made contact with the outside of her sex. She kissed it, and licked it's length up and down. Ezri moaned again as her legs settled on Jadzia's shoulders. She was pushed herself up off the bed, trying to get closer to Jadzia's teasing tongue. She could feel Jadzia's lips curving up in a smile at her reaction.

She shifted her position closer to the bed and put Ezri's weight back onto it. Her hands slid upward, over the smaller woman's hips and sides until the rested on her breasts. She gently squeezed the small mounds of flesh as Ezri pushed herself further into Jadzia's face. "Oh…gods, yes!" Ezri moaned as Jadzia cupped and fondled her breasts. She could feel Jadzia's tongue beginning to enter her, and she cried out in ecstasy. Her hands went over Jadzia's as she continued to knead her breasts, paying particular attention to her erect nipples as they poked out. She squeezed them between her thumb and forefinger, causing Ezri to moan even louder. She sat up as best she could to look down at the woman giving her the most wonderful tongue-fucking she had ever had.

"Oh, Yes! Jadzia! Oh, yeah, suck my clit," Ezri found herself panting as the pleasure shot through her body like electricity.

Jadzia obliged as her tongue circled around the tiny bundle of nerves, causing Ezri to buck beneath her. She pinched her nipples even harder as she worked her tongue faster and faster across the sensitive little nubbin. Ezri's breath came quicker and quicker until she finally shouted out in sheer bliss. "Oh, Yesssssssssssssss!"

Ezri's elbows gave out and she collapsed back onto the bed. Her orgasm slowly subsided and her breathing calmed. Her eyes were closed, and a smile crossed her lips. She felt Jadzia sliding up along her body, until she felt her breath on her ear. "Something to think about," she whispered before biting her ear lobe lightly.

*

When Ezri opened her eyes, Jadzia was gone. She wasn't sure how long she had been dozing, all she had was the vivid memory of a very intense orgasm. She wasn't even sure if it had been real. She couldn't seem to recall whether or not physical contact was suppose to be possible during the rite of emergence. But she found that she really didn't care. It had happened, as much as the rest of their conversation had, it had happened. "Something to think about," she mumbled as she looked down at herself. She laid on the bed with her legs hanging over the edge, her robe open and a thin sheen of sweat still covering her body. "You certainly gave me that, Jadzia." She could feel Jadzia somewhere inside herself, smiling. And Ezri smiled back.

She sat up and closed her robe around her, just as the door to her quarters slid open and Julian walked in. He caught sight of her and smiled. She smiled too. "You see, I told you," he said. "You probably just got out of the shower."

"Shame it'll go to waste," Ezri said, standing from the bed. She dropped the robe, letting it pool around her feet as she slipped her arms around Julian's neck. "Seeing as how I'm about to get all sweaty again." She reached up and captured Julian's mouth with her own.

Julian was surprised, but he kissed her back with vigor. Ezri started to move back towards the bed, pulling Julian with her. He didn't know where this sudden feistiness had come from, but he certainly wasn't complaining. She pulled at the seam of his jacket, tossing it aside once she got it off. Then his shirt, then his undershirt, then his pants. Julian pulled his boots off one foot at a time and freed himself from his pants before joining Ezri on the bed. She wrapped her arms around his neck again as soon as he was close to her, pressing her lips against his in a searing kiss. Her tongue darted out, licking along the outside of his mouth as they kissed and their bodies rubbed together. His hands came up to cup the back of her head, his fingers burying themselves in her hair. Ezri's hands slid down Julian's chest and abdomen, where she slowly began stroking his member. Julian moaned against her mouth as his own hands started to explore her body. Down her back and up her sides, resting on her breasts. Ezri moaned as she rolled over until she was on top. She straddled her legs over Julian and positioned herself over him. She plunged herself down onto him and cried out when he entered her. She leaned forward, letting her hands lean against his chest, her ass bouncing up and down as she impaled herself on him.

"Oh, Yes! Oh, Julian!" she moaned.

Julian just grunted with pleasure as she rode him. He reached up to cup her breasts, squeezing her nipples, causing her to moan louder. Her moaning increased, and he could feel her muscles tightening around him. He knew she was close.

"Oh, Gods, Julian! Yes! Oh, I'm going to come. Oh! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" she cried out as she came.

*

Julian and Ezri lay cuddled together once they were finished, both with huge smiles on their faces. "Wow," Julian said.

"Thank you," Ezri said. "Assuming that was a compliment."

"Oh, indeed it was," he said, holding her closer. "That was…" he trailed off, not being able to find the words.

"I'll take that as a compliment as well," Ezri said with a chuckle. Julian just smiled and kissed her on the neck, letting his face linger there.

He pulled his head up after a moment and looked at her in the eye. He reached over and stroked the side of her face. "I love you," he said.

Ezri's smile grew even wider. "I love you, too," she said. She had never felt so content in her entire life. All of her doubts were gone now. She could see it in his eyes how much he meant it. Perhaps he had just been frightened too, she thought. Maybe all it took was for one of them to be brave enough to make the first move. Kind of like how they got together in the first place. She smiled to herself lightly as she thought about how much she really did love him. And she smiled as she thought about Jadzia, and how much she owed her for this.

"Um, Julian," she started.

"Yes?"

"How do you feel about Leeta?"

~fin~


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