Paramount owns anything Star Trek. I’m just dreaming.

batlh Daqawlu’taH

(You Will Be Remembered With Honor)

by Carrie Gascoigne
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Setting: This takes place shortly after Jadzia’s death.

‘A vacation.’ The words echoed in his head. The mind of this warrior was now foggy and dazed. ‘Just to rest your feet.’ It was not his feet that throbbed. He was alone. He knew this. He thought about her twenty-six hours a day. Chief O’Brien had mentioned that he should get away for a little while. Dr. Bashir advised that he needed the rest. Everyone wanted the best for Worf, but the disturbing fact was, although everyone was full of advice, no one knew what he needed. He was in a whirlwind of contained emotion. Any minute now he would turn around and his Jadzia, his par’machi, would be there, smiling and radiant. Reality, however, bit at him constantly, stinging his heart like a garnarian bolite. In this instant, time had no meaning. Time lost meaning when it took away Jadzia. She was gone. A week, an hour, a day - the wound was still fresh. It would not heal easily.

He wandered around the promenade, without noticing the comprehending glances of passers by. "Poor man." the people would whisper. Miles could be overheard on more than one occasion saying to Julian that Worf was "in a bloody hell". Although all felt the loss of one of the pillars of Terok Nor, most of the pain poured out in the means of sympathy to Worf. The inhabitants of the station found their hearts breaking also for Worf. Everyone wanted to find some way to comfort him. He found his way to the replimat, through all the well wishers, without realizing he was even headed here.

"Raktajino." he growled at the replicator. He sat down in a secluded corner with his coffee. His mind became flooded with memories as he wallowed there by himself. Their trip to Risa. Their wedding day. They all flashed before him at once. He could hear Jadzia’s voice as if she was sitting beside him. He took a sip of his….

"This is NOT prune juice." He said out loud. He then realized he came here and got for himself what Jadzia usually wanted. He shook his head. He stared himself into another reality while he played with the warm glass between his palms. Another reality where Jadzia was alive. She was cheerful and lively. They were elated. They could have a baby. They could live the rest of their lives together, secure and happy. They could die together. Die together…

The pain of the broken glass piercing through his calloused hands did little to distract him from his thoughts.

"Worf?"

He looked up to see a familiar face. He did not want company.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

"Are you all right?" Kira asked. His response was a cold glare. "Your hands, they’re bleeding. You broke your glass. Julian’s at Quark’s. I could get…"

"I am not in need of medical attention. Thank you." He stared as if through her.

Kira sat down across from him with at the small table. "Worf, why don’t you take a few days and visit Alexander? Maybe you two could go to Gault?" Worf turned up his sharp nose in disgust at the hasperat she brought with her.

"I do not wish to lower my son’s temperment. He should not suffer from something which he has not lost. I will be fine." He sat stout in his chair like any great warrior.

"Worf, I know you better than that. Don’t give me that ‘I’m Klingon, I have no feelings other than honor’ attitude. You and Jadzia loved each other like there were no other people in the universe."

Worf’s look was blank yet hurting.

"It is not a forbidden subject Worf. We all loved Jadzia. She was my friend as well."

"I am aware of all of her friends." He stated.

"Then you know we all knew her like you did. We’re all going to miss her." Kira started to pluck the pieces of broken glass out from between his hands. "Damn Gul Dukat! There were times I thought he had changed...when we rescued Ziyal." Her thoughts wandered for a moment. "Then I always kick myself and remind myself that he’s still a Cardassian." She stopped for a moment. "Worf, I know of a lot of Bajorans who would love to see Dukat suffer."

Worf tilted his head slightly. "You are implying what, Major?"

"Worf" She looked downwards at the table "It’s just that I know..."

"You have not lost a loved one. What do you know?" Worf retorted.

Kira looked at him sharply in the eyes. "What about Vedek Bareil? I loved him with my entire being. But Winn…she needed him. She couldn’t conduct the talks on her own and she didn’t let him recover. She just wanted his mind. When she took that away, there was nothing left." Kira was whispering, to avoid the quiver in her voice. "I know what pain is, Worf. I know what you’re suffering. I know what it feels like to have someone you love taken away from you by someone else. You can act on the Right of Vengeance. You can kill Gul Dukat, under Klingon Law. I could do nothing. That is what I mean. I would help you. Bajorans would help you. Gul Dukat is a hard man to find these days, without getting killed first. Not only would it be your vengeance Worf, but that of ALL who live on Bajor as well."

As Kira regained her composure, and continued to get the larger pieces of glass from his hands, Worf was reminded of his last Right of Vengeance. He had never thought he would have to do that. Never had he thought that he would have to do it twice. He had given that bat’telh to Alexander. It was now a token of honour. If he were to kill Dukat, who would he give that bat’telh to? He and Jadzia had not had the opportunity to have children, no bloodline. If he weren’t a warrior…

Kira had bandaged his hands in the silence. She knew he hated doctors, any doctors. To visit Julian this afternoon would mean idle chit chat that he did not want. She had gotten up, replicated a couple of bandages and while he thought. She tended to his physical wounds. When she felt that her presence began to invade his personal space, she touched his hands lightly and left. At this point, any time alone for Worf was time alone with Jadzia. Worf realized, as unhonorable as it may have seemed that all he wanted was to have life back to it’s normality. All he wanted was to have Jadzia by his side. That was all he could feel. She was his lifeblood. Now she was gone. He knew he should let her go, but he couldn’t. They had just started their life together and it was ripped away from them.

His anger made him stand up from his small table. He managed to find his way back to their quarters on the Defiant. He had not slept in two days and now the drowsiness was trying to catch up to this stubborn Klingon. He ran his hand down the fir blanket of the bed which he and Jadzia had shared. He looked around like it was his first time in the quarters. It almost felt like this space belonged to someone else. He walked slowly to the drawers. He pulled opened the top one. Jadzia’s hairbrush. A memory tugged at his essence. Every morning he would lay in bed and watch her brush her long, beautiful hair. Stroke after stroke. She would catch his eye in the mirror and smile. Sometimes, she would beckon him out of bed to brush his hair and tie it back before he went on duty. Times like that no words were spoken. There was no need. Their souls were intertwined and their eyes did all the talking.

Worf sat on the bed as he collapsed from the emotional bruises. He took a deep breath and ground his teeth. He would sleep here tonight. He would be with Jadzia one last time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Worf slept, his dreams were plagued with images; bloody bat’telhs, Jadzia just out of his reach, her laughter, but her nowhere in sight. He awoke at 02:00 hours.

"Computer, lights. Dim." He sat up in bed. He could still smell her. Her scent was still in their bed. It was strong. He looked over at the silver-framed picture of them on their wedding day. She was so beautiful, gracious and funny. How he was going to miss his par’machi. If only they could still be together…

"Ahh, I see you’re finally awake. I’m surprised your own snoring didn’t wake you." The voice came from somewhere in the room.

"Computer, lights on full!" Worf said, eager to see who it was disturbing his private moments.

"Ooh, why does it have to be so bright? It’s not like we’re on Rigel VII, we’re in your quarters!" Said the voice.

"Show yourself! I demand you do so at once!" By this point Worf was out of bed and standing ready.

A familiar gait came from behind the corner.

"I see you haven’t lost your manners. Is this how you treat all your guests?"

"Q!" Worf exclaimed. He forgot to be angry, and instead was just shocked. Q was typically wearing his fraudulent Starfleet Captain’s uniform.

"Oh I know, Worfie, I have been away just too long. I missed you too. Well that’s a lie, but I’m here anyway." Q sat in the closest chair and made himself comfortable, waiting for Worf to say something.

Flustered at the appearance of the unexpected guest, Worf had to think for a second before he could say anything. "Get out!" He started to walk menacingly towards the uninvited Q.

"Is that anyway to treat a friend? Well, times certainly have changed now haven’t they?"

"I do not call you a friend. GET OUT!" Not wanting to admit grief was the cause of his lack of sleep, seeing Q gave him a whole new excuse. He was not in the mood for excuses just now.

"Ah, ah, ah my dear Worf. Before you become rash, I have a favor I need to ask of you." Q looked at him with an almost sarcastic look of pleading on his face.

"I do not grant favors to dishonorable individuals such as you." Worf growled. His fists were clenched and he had two or three beads of sweat starting on his ridged forehead.

"But you don’t know what I have to offer in return." There was that pleading look again.

"You have nothing that interests me." Worf snarled, remembering the escapades Q used to pull while he was still on the Enterprise.

"Au contraire. I think I can whirl up something that you want so bad you can taste it!" There was a smiling sneer on Q’s face. He knew what he could offer Worf couldn’t refuse. "But I need you to do a favor for me. See, the Continuum has been at me now, to apologize to the people I tormented most. And I know Jean-Luc doesn’t have as much as a soft spot in his heart for me that he used to. I need you to pave the way for me to get to Captain Picard. You are still in touch, aren’t you?"

"He has contacted me recently, yes." His teeth were still grinding.

"I figured as much, since your personal tragedy and all…I heard about your poor little wifie…Jazmia, was that her name?" Q asked, the air of forced sympathy in his voice.

"Her name is JADZIA. She was murdered." Worf’s voice lowered an octave and his palms began to sweat.

"Ooh, you see?! This is where I come in! I scratch your back you scratch mine?!" Q was starting to get excited by this point. He got up out of the chair and placed both hands on Worf’s shoulders. "I can bring Jazdia…"

"JaDZia."

"Okay, okay, JaDZia, I can bring her back to you, or you back to her." Q started to pace the room, throwing his arms in the air. "However you look at it, you can have your wife back, and I can make ammends with Johnny Luck and get good with the continuum again. What do you say Worf? My love lost compadre, do we have a deal?"

Worf had to sit back down on the bed at the very moment Q said those words that he never even considered could be. He stared at the wall. Q reappeared, standing with his arms crossed, in front of him.

"Open hailing frequencies." Q said, waving one hand in front of Worf’s face. "Is anyone in there?"

Worf’s head jerked around to meet Q’s. "I must have time to think." he stated dryly.

"But my dear Worf," Q said almost pleadingly "what is there to think about? The Continuum won’t hold me in bad regard and you get to live out the rest of your life with the one woman who can, may I say, make you ... purr."

Worf’s mind raced. "It is not that simple" His eyes were fixed in the path of his wedding photo to Jadzia. He wished she were here. "It must be a matter of honor, not a matter of impulse."

"Impulse is the purest form of truth, Worf." Q sat on the bed beside him and crossed his hands on his lap. "Are you aware that I have a child?"

The look on Worf’s face was pure astonishment. It was true he had not encountered Q for some time, but for Q to have a child. Another Q. He shuddered.

"Yes. A female Q and I have a child together. It was the first time a new Q was ever born into the continuum. Before, we were always just there." Q looked about the quarters. "There was a civil war. We were actually killing each other. But from this war, I have something, helped to create something that I do not want to be without. Another being that because of my actions, can be a natural leader within our existence. Well enough about me. I’m telling you I know what you want Worf. You want to be with Jadzia. You want a family. You don’t want to be alone. Neither do I. I need to get back into the Continuum. And I know you can help."

With a twitch of his wrist and a flash of light, Q was gone.

"Worf?"
That voice tugged at his heart. He wanted to scream.

"Worf, is that you?"

He walked like a zombie to the source of the voice, although he could feel every muscle in his body shake. He walked slowly around the very corner that Q had appeared. In the light of the other room, he could see the outline of Jadzia sitting at their table. His heart skipped a beat.

"I thought you..." She choked on her words. In the midst of teary eyes she smiled and rose slowly to walk towards him. She wrapped her arms around his neck. Her scent, it was perfect.

"I replicated some prune juice. I missed you and thought it would bring me closer to you."

He stared at her with the same gazed that was on his face the first time he saw Kahless.

"Worf what’s wrong, are you ill?"

"One week ago, you were at the Bajoran Temple?" Worf asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"Yes..." she said, hoping he would finish the statement.

"And..." was all that came from his mouth.

"Don’t you already know?" she asked.

Worf staggered towards the table, and had to grasp it for support as he sat himself down. ‘How can this be?’ he thought to himself. ‘Her symbiont is already transplanted into another Trill. I saw her die. I FELT her die. How CAN this be?’ He needed to know the answers.

"Indulge me" he uttered, sweeping a mild gesture for her to sit beside him. His heart told him she was real, but his mind knew otherwise.

"I don’t understand the purpose but very well. You were gone with the others on your mission. You had just returned although I hadn’t been informed yet. I had talked to Julian that same day you came back. He told me the drugs he had been giving me were working and that we could have a baby." She looked at him in total astonishment. They could still have a baby. He was real. He was sitting here beside her.

"Jadzia, please" Worf interrupted. "Go on."

"After I talked to Julian, I ran into Kira. She told me that she had prayed to the Prophets for us at the Bajoran temple, so we could have a baby. I thought it might be respectful to go and thank them. While I was there, Gul Dukat materialized and attempted to get me out of the way to get to the orb. At the moment he appeared you came in looking for looking for me to let me know you were back. When you saw Dukat there, a commotion arose, there was a brief fight and with Dukat trying to get to the orb and getting away from Quark, I was shoved against the wall and broke a rib." She paused. "But you..." she started to shed tears, "Dukat killed you. I saw it with my own eyes. You stood in front of me. He...he was possesed by a pah’raith. The beam lifted you from the ground. There was a funeral..." She cried even harder. "How can you be alive?" She looked at him deeply. He could see that this was wrong for her too. Something was amiss. They both believed the other dead, yet now they’re both in the same room. He could also see that they both wanted this to be right.

She was so beautiful. The light reflected off her perfectly straight hair. Her spots seemed darker than usual this morning. Her skin looked as smooth as the velvet on Morn’s painting. The silk gown she was wearing covered her but still managed to reveal her delicate curves. Worf wanted to touch her more than anything. He wanted to take her in his arms and smell her. He wanted to breathe her breath with her. He wanted to hold on to her and never let her go. He could protect her all over again. He could make it right this time. He wouldn’t fail her. He would guard her and make sure no harm came to her. He wanted all of this and more in that instant but he was afraid. If he touched her, she may not be real. He was with her, holding her hand when she died. How could this be? This was not the same life. It was the same woman scientifically, and emotionally. She was there. Nothing about her was wrong. It was Jadzia. But this was not his life to lead. But right now, he wished it could be, more than he had wished honour for the House of Mogh.

"Worf, I know you. Something is troubling you. Tell me."

His eyes followed her to their bedroom and he watched her pat a spot for him beside her on the bed. He sat and his heart nearly broke all over again.

"What’s wrong Worf?"

"Jadzia, it is too complicated. You wouldn’t believe me." He wanted to tell her. Then he wanted her to already know and tell him it was all untrue. What she had just told him contradicted everything he had gone through.

"Worf, please. I want to be able to confide in me what’s bothering you. I don’t want you to keep all your emothions to yourself. You’re never going to be alone again. I’m never going to let anyone take you from me ever again. You CAN tell me."

She took her soft hands and placed his in between them. His heart was breaking even more now. "I am alone Jadzia..." The touch of her skin on his and feel of her near him, wanting to share in his life made him open up and reveal the whole story. He wanted her to say that everything was going to be all right. He rose and with a deep breath he started to tell her all that had seemed to just happen to him.

~~~~~

In the midst of him telling her the whole thing he looked at her face very little. When he was finished he looked up to see one hand to her mouth and tears running down her face. Her other hand still was on top of his.

"I did not mean to upset you."

"Oh Worf, you’re telling me this time that we are living in now was orchestrated by Q so he could make amends with Captain Picard? Have you told Benjamin this?" She started to calm down.

"You would believe me, you are my wife. Captain Sisko, would not." Worf was relieved he had told Jadzia, but he was not about to share this tale with anyone else.

"You don’t give Benjamin the credit he deserves. He can tell you that this is right. Q didn’t orchestrate this timeline. This is the one you’re supposed to be in. This can’t be..."

"This is not my timeline Jadzia. Mine is a time when....you..." he looked away "when you are dead."

"And mine is..." She stood up slowly, still shocked from seeing her dead husband. "You’re telling me that we aren’t supposed to be here?"

"That is correct. This timeline is for another Worf." Saying his own name sounded funny to himself. But the thought of Jadzia living a life without him, the rest of her life in constant pain because they no longer have each other, hurt worse than knowing he was not to have her.

"We’ve got to be wrong, Worf. I mean, we’re both here." Her crying had eased itself to a stop. "Why can’t we just live out our lives here, in this timeline? We can tell everyone what happened to you, they would understand. We could be happy here." She turned to him and ran her fingers through her hair. "Couldn’t we?"

"Jadzia, you said I was the one who died. I believed it was you who died. It is possible Q took you from your timeline and did not tell you." Worf’s thinking was clearer than he wanted it to be. He wished he could be dumbfounded and say ‘Yes Jadzia, let’s stay here.’ But the mind of a warrior is not forged with idiocy.

"Then there is only one way. We must ask Q." He stood now to face her. "Jadzia, it is not that I did not love you. I loved you with all the heart of a warrior. But were I to remain in this timeline, I would not be able to look at you without realizing that where we are is wrong. I would look at you and realize that one day I will lose you again. I may be a warrior, but my heart is...not as strong. I would be...uncomfortable."

"I understand." She didn’t tell him because she thought it was selfish of her, but she had the very same thought. "You would be in agony." She looked at him with tears welling up in her eyes.

"Yes." He looked towards the floor.

"I know. If I were to lose you, I would feel the same." She cleared her throat. "We must talk to Q."

~~~

Q took his time. For eighteen hours, Jadzia and Worf did not sleep. They sang, drank, ate, talked, they even made love. (They decided not to go to Julian this time.) They talked about what they would have named their first child. Jadzia wanted a Trill name. Worf wanted a Klingon name. They decided not to argue about it. They talked about Q and her death. They talked about his death. He wanted to know if she howled to the Gods of Sto’vo’Kor. She had. That comforted him. She shuddered every time those topics came up. They bonded as much in that time as they had when they were courting. They learned things about each other that they had yet to learn and knew they would never have the opportunity to. Worf valued this time together. They seemed to talk forever. T hey always managed to find things to talk about. The topics were endless. Everything from Molly’s delivery to security protocol for visiting ambassadors. They were exhausted and had fallen asleep in each other’s arms by the time Q made his timely appearance.

He was sitting on the foot of the bed facing them. "Oh isn’t this cute? Wakey wakey! Let’s be happy, no growling okay?"

"Q." Jadzia was the first to open her eyes. "Worf, wake up, Q’s here."

Q darted off the bed. He didn’t want a repeat of earlier.

"Yes, now can I help you with anything?" Q asked in a nonchalant tone.

Jadzia started to sit up, her eyes still groggy. "Yes you can help us Q."

"Oh goody."

"We need to know something. Are Worf and I from different timelines?" She had barely started to sit up when she asked Q this.

"Is it important?" Q asked almost impatient.

"Yes, it is Q. There are important decisions that have to be made pending on your answer." Jadzia talked to him like he was a child.

"Yes. Worf is from another timeline. I knew that was obvious. I had no idea you two would guess that you were from another timeline as well. Now Worf, can you and I get on to busin..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second here Q. His timeline, in it, am I..." she looked at Worf and squeezed his hand "...dead?

Q crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "Yes. And if you’re wondering, it’s the same the other way around too."

Jadzia and Worf had managed to seat themselves on the foot of the bed, where Q had been sitting. "Q," Worf began "whose timeline are we in?"

"Well, you see, in this timeline, both of you are dead. You were going on vacation to Risa again, of all places, no thanks to the miracle doctor I’m sure, and your shuttle went down on an uninhabited L-class moon. You died in the crash. With a flick or the wrist, your transporter chief thinks he beamed you onto the station from an Andorian freighter late last night. No one knows you’re back." Q grinned. He was quite proud of himself on this little charade.

Jadzia and Worf looked at each other. They had discussed much in their short time together. They realized they both had a strong sense of duty and honor, the things that had attracted them together in the first place. With a nod of Jadzia’s head, Worf made the hardest decision of his life.

"While you were gone, Jadzia and I talked much. We have discussed our future."

"With a brute like you, I’m surprised you hadn’t talked all night about bloody battles!" Q said as sarcastically as ever. "But why do you have to tell ME your plans?"

Worf actually squeezed Jadzia’s hand for support. There was a gentle pressure in return. He knew he must go on. "It would not be honorable for Jadzia nor I to remain in this timeline and live out our lives in the place of someone else." He couldn’t believe he had just said that.

Q’s arms dropped to his sides. "You mean to tell me that you and wifie have talked it over and DECIDED that you would rather live out your lives in a time where the other one was murdered? I offer you a chance at happiness and you want to turn it down?"

"It wouldn’t be honorable." Jadzia simply replied. The entire time her tearful gaze was fixed on Worf.

He turned away. "Honor, this is what it is all about? Klingons," he started to mumble under his breath, "I’ll never understand them. As petty as Humans." He turned to face them. "Our deal is off then? Well just great!" He was about to flick wrist in his usual Q motion when Jadzia yelled "WAIT!"

"Oh what is it now?" Q asked as impatient as ever.

"Can we have a moment... to say good-bye?"

"Very well, but only a moment."

"Privately, if we may."

Exasperated, Q just rolled his eyes. And with that he was gone.

They sat on the floor against the bed. Similar how children would hide from a storm. If they were to hide, maybe....

"Worf," Jadzia’s lip started to tremble. "This is it, all over again."

"No par’machi," he said, putting a finger to her lip. "It is not. We now know there is one of us out there who still loves the other." He never wanted the moment to end. He wanted to comfort her, but he knew he could not when his heart was screaming too.

"Worf, I love you" She said between light sobs.

"As I do you"

In that moment, with his fingers in her hair and her soft, delicate hands caressing his face, they shared their last lingering kiss. Their eyes locked. They knew it wouldn’t be long now. They held each other close. Their love was so strong it seemed impossible that they could part. Worf gently moved her sweet smelling hair from her ear.

"batlh Daqawlu’taH" he whispered.

With her eyes closed as tight as they could, she whispered back "batlh Daqawlu’taH".

It came and it went. The flash of light was so bright he could see it with his eyes closed. He was alone again, in their quarters. He could still smell her. It tore him apart inside, his heart was in shreds. He was sitting on the floor in the same spot where he had just been. Only there was no Jadzia. He closed his eyes; she was still there. "batlh Daqawlu’taH" he whispered out loud.

finis...