--Begin Counselor's Personal Log --
"I have to say it's been a long while since I've kept a dream journal. I had started one once, when I first enrolled at the Academy and began my courses in psychology. It seemed like a very psych. major thing to do, and in truth, I'll admit I was completely fascinated with the idea of what the humanoid mind did when it slept, and what those images called dreams really meant. To think, the waking mind had a whole different state of consciousness - a whole other life - when sleeping! It's a thought that still gives me a little thrill when I really contemplate it."
"Well, as semesters wore on, and the clinicals and research projects grew in complexity, I'd let the journal fall by the wayside. Too busy to take the time, even though I often used the therapy with patients. It never seemed that important to me, for my own life, until now. . ."
"Where to start? The dream itself, I guess. I had it while asleep in our (Worf and I) holding cell on the Breen ship. I don't even know what stardate that was - I'd lost all track of how long we were held there. I had tried to stay awake for as long as I could, not knowing what to expect of the Breen. Finally, exhausted, I must of given in and dozed."
"I can't say I remember all of it with perfect clarity - it was a long epic, as they always are in that final stage of REM sleep before waking. At one point, I found myself in a large, dimly lit cave made of cool, green-blue ice. The cave itself was absolutely freezing cold and dressed in my uniform alone, I shivered involuntarily and could hardly breathe."
"Suddenly, there were a number of Breen in the cave, chasing me. As fast as I ran, even with the slippery, icy floor of the cave, I couldn't get away from them. They were always right behind me, muttering to themselves in their computer-generated language. As we ran, the leader of the group reached out for me with a giant claw. I managed to get away, but there was no where to run - the cave had suddenly come to an end."
"Just as I thought the leader of the group would kill me in my cornered
position, he stepped up close and began to remove his full helmet and covering. It was Julian beneath the mask. I can still recall the shock of finding out it was him."
"Unfortunately, Worf woke me up before I could continue. He said later that I had been moaning and crying out in my sleep, but all I seem to remember is wanting to ask Julian what he was doing dressed as a Breen, and if he knew a way out of the cave."
"And so - my analysis of all this? I'd have to say that it was easy enough at first to be clinical about it - to be objective and dissect it as I'd been trained to do. Even as I sat there with Worf after waking, who (I should have anticipated) grew more and more annoyed as I went on, I figured right off that the cave represented the womb. At least, in standard dream analysis it did - a very Freudian symbol indeed. I felt at the time that having the womb symbol, along with the image of fleeing from pursuers, meant I needed to somehow confront surpressed emotions from birth, though I couldn't figure out which birth - after all - I've had nine physical births through nine hosts, plus nine "births" as a joined Trill. See, even in this - the fact of being joined makes the whole mess that much more complicated!"
"The Breen came to take Worf out of the holding cell before we could go on - or, as it really happened, before *I* could go on and Worf could makes jibes. After I recovered from the stun weapon they used on me - I laid there thinking about the dream further, trying to keep myself busy as I tried not to think about what they were doing to Worf."
"The only part of the dream that made little sense was Julian. What was it about his image - was it his role as a doctor? A healer? Was I running away from my responsibility in my role as counselor - maybe somehow not doing enough to heal my patients? Or did I feel I wasn't being clinical enough - not a good scientist and maybe too personal in my work? The more I tossed ideas over and over - the less they made sense - there was still the cave image, the womb. It just didn't fit like it should have."
"At least, it didn't fit at that moment. Much later - after Worf's return and my own interrogation "procedure" - it all made clear and perfect sense. But I'm getting ahead of myself in the story. I've been "interrogated" before - under two hosts, only back then they at least used to call it for what it really is - torture plain and simple. I can't say this time was any more pleasant than the past. And my mind - my thoughts during the procedure - tumbling and twisting over each other as the result of the neural probe device. It was dizzying, sickening. I blacked out and when I came to later, I was lying on the smooth, hard surface of the ledge/bed of our cell."
"I remember feeling a hundred different feelings and sensations - all of them unpleasant in some way. As I slowly came to and took in the room, I saw Worf sitting in the corner of the room by himself - looking for all the world like he was in the worst possible mood. Sitting up and refocusing my eyes to see him better, I affirmed my first impression - yes, I - *Jadzia* I mean, had definitely seen *that* particular face before - she had called it Worf Rotten Mood face #7. It had always meant that something was on his mind, and was festering with each passing thought he had."
"Taking a deep breath, the counselor in me forced my thoughts to think of him as a disturbed patient, and I tried to engage him in some kind of dialogue. The Jadzia part of me thought I had completely lost my own mind in trying, but I pressed on. It was to little, well, rather *no* avail. Silently, I wondered if the Breen hadn't said something to him to make him this way - trying to create doubt between us somehow? I was suddenly too tired to want to continue, and I laid back down to rest."
"After what seemed like several more hours - I couldn't take Worf's silent treatment any longer. Finally, after egging him on - I got him to blurt out something about 'how long have I had feelings for him?' For the span of many seconds, I was utterly confused, at least until Worf finally admitted that he heard me say that I had feelings for Julian - that I said that I loved him while I was delirious."
"I almost fell off of the ledge that we sat on. I denied it, and in truth, at first it did make little sense. The more Worf egged me on, however, and the more I started mentioning Julian's attractive attributes - the more it started to make sense. With a quiet revelation as I sat there - I knew that it was true."
"In the rush of all that happened after that - there was little time to think at all. Weyoun seemed to thoroughly enjoy taunting Worf and I with my feelings for Bashir. I guessed he'd been debriefed on the interrogation results by the Breen. Gods, now one smug Vorta, a handful of Breen and the gods-knew who else had information about my feelings - and the object of my affection didn't even know yet! I can't say I was extremely remorseful when Worf killed Weyoun # . . . whatever number he was. We made our escape and finally made it back to the station."
"In the days since we've been back - it's funny how "home" suddenly seems rather uncomfortable. I saw Julian immediately on return - Benjamin insisted that we get checked out. Looking up at him as I sat there in the infirmary - I couldn't help but feel an amazing sense of guilt. Well, I was after all harboring a secret of sorts. Even if it's a secret I think most people would consider pretty wonderful."
"And, I have to admit - I was really happy to see him again. I watched his long, careful hands conduct the exam - how sure of himself he now was - unlike the twenty-seven year old he'd been when Jadzia first met him. In all things, he was kind and thoughtful, especially when he practiced medicine. I noted the relieved look on his face when he saw Worf and I walk in - not a trace of jealousy crossed his features as he took us in - he just seemed glad to know I was alright - and back home."
"After a clean bill of health, I hastily excused myself and went back to my quarters. No one seemed to think that very odd - we were, after all, returning from quite an ordeal. But instead of resting, I went to my desk and opened up my database files on dream interpretation therapy. I entered in all the various symbols and themes, and braced myself for the computer's interpretation of the dream."
"It was exactly what I expected - and then some. The cave was a womb - my womb, or rather, my own sexuality - iced and frigid in its current somewhat repressed state, with even my own conscious awareness of it (water) trapped (water into ice). It could have been this way for a long while - maybe even though Jadzia. Certainly, it applies to me as well. Since my own "birth" (the cave as womb) as Dax, I hardly know myself (now there's an understatement), including my own sexual self as Ezri, and my new sexual self as Dax."
"It's little wonder what brought all these dreams of sexuality on to begin with. I mean, Worf was the first man I've slept with since I was joined. That must have triggered this off."
"The Breen, of course, came into play just because of the circumstance of being held by them. It could have been any "menacing" race, though, even monsters or ghosts. The Breen merely came to symbolize the issue that I couldn't get away from."
"The claw, as Freud always argued, was a phallic symbol - male sexuality. And then, finding it was Julian unmasked as my pursuer. Not Julian as a symbol for something, but really Julian - as the intimacy issue I was avoiding, maybe even into Jadzia's own life. Me, in love with Julian Bashir. I laughed out loud just now as I entered this log in - Bashir! Julian Bashir!. . . charming, attractive, funny, sweet man who tried so long to win Jadzia's heart. How did this happen?"
"Well, even now as I record this - the idea gets less and less ridiculous. I mean, yes - Jadzia knew him for almost seven years - and I draw on those memories now to understand just what it is about him at attracts me - me, Ezri. I'm sure it's the Ezri in me that is doing this. Now - the only question that remains is - what to do about it?"
--End Counselor's Personal Log--
~The End~
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