Eulogy

I said those words, not long ago, to a woman I loved more than my own life. Now I stand over her coffin. Her name is -- was -- Jadzia Dax. Mine is Worf. This is our story.

A week ago we had talked of starting a family. She had even had an ovarian resequencing. You'd think by now we'd know better. We're Star Fleet Officers, yet we had to learn the hard way what a hazardous occupation that can be...

I came to Deep Space Nine, her home for four years before I arrived, a stranger in a strange land. She did her best to be a friend and make me feel welcome. As time passed I became increasingly attracted to to the beautiful, vivacious brunette-- yet I said nothing, did nothing. I'd been hurt too often, and felt I did not belong anywhere. My home for seven years, the Enterprise NCC-1701-D, had been destroyed and I was considering leaving Star Fleet. Until I met her....

Jadzia was a breath of fresh air. Lovely, flirty, irreverent, yet respectful of my culture and utterly at ease with me. She laughed me out of my brooding and made me a part of her life. My attraction was fast growing into love. I did not know then that she felt the same way about me. Despite his light-hearted facade, Dr. Bashir cared about Jadzia too. It hurt him more than he'd ever let onwhen he realised she loved me, not him.

I tried to find another woman to take my mind off Jadzia, as I was so convinced she thought of me as her best friend -- nothing more. Then the Lady Grilka arrived on DS9.

She was a pretty Klingon woman. Not stunningly attractive, like Jadzia, but I called her "glorious". Jadzia seemd offended. I did not know it yet, but she was jealous!

Well, it turned out that Grilka had an odd infatuation with her ex-husband, the Ferengi barkeep. I helped Quark woo her; well, Jadzia and I helped. I started to rant about life being unfair, and Jadzia tried all kinds of hints. Subtlety was lost on me. She literally had to jump on me, quoting Klingon romantic literature. Am I dense or what?

Jadzia and I became lovers, or 'parmaqqay' to use the Klingon term. I was terrified of her leaving me; and as a result of my jealousy I almost lost her. She had planned a romantic holiday on Risa. I spent the trip sulking.

I eventually came to my senses and Jadzia and I were happy. I saw the looks we got, and I knew what people were thinking; "Dax could have ANY man she wanted, and she chose WORF?!" I was proud to be seen with her, and worshipped the ground she walked on. General Martok, Captain of the Rotarran, invited me to join his House. I had my honour and the most beautiful woman in the galaxy by my side. It was too good to last. it didn't.

The Dominion War came. I was assigned to Rotarran, she to Defiant. Before we abandoned our home I had to see her one more time, fearing it could be the last. Then my love did what she always did. She surprised me. Beautiful, spontanious Jadzia proposed!!!! "When this is all over, we'll get married. And if that doesn't give you a reason to survive, I don't know what will!" She was right. From the minute I fell for her, she was my reason for living; now, war or no war, I was on cloud nine!

We were seperated for months, keeping in touch via messages, checking casulty lists with pounding hearts-- each of us terrified the other would be listed amoung the dead. I thought of her and our impending wedding constantly. MY Jadzia... MY fiancee.... I was the luckiest man in the Quadrant!

Alexander, my son with the late K'Ehylar, re-entered my life at this point. He and Jadzia really hit it off. So much so that, after we retook DS9 when Alexander was reassigned, she suggested we should have the wedding while he could attend. I readily agreed.

The wedding almost wasn't. Martok's wife, Sirella didn't like the idea of an alien marrying into her house. She and Jadzia had a blazing row, and Sirella called off the wedding. In a rare display of stubborn pride, Jadzia refused to grovel. I took offense, we had a huge argument, and the wedding was definitely off. It took Captain Sisko to talk sense into both of us. Jadzia swallowed her pride, and Sirella accepted her as a daughter.

We, despite the war, lived in a state of marital bliss. That is, until one fateful day when we were sent on a mission together to rendezvous with a Cardassian double agent.

The trip started lightly enough, with our usual banter. I consented to a honeymoon on Casperia Prime. And room service. (A honeymoon we never had....) Yes, I was crazy; for her, that is....

It turned out that Lasaran, the operative, needed to be picked up, his cover was failing. We headed to the rendezvous. It would involve a 20km hike through an alien jungle. An adventure, I had thought. Was it hell!

Jadzia was shot by a Jem'Hadar disruptor. It left an anti-coagulant in her skin, and she was slowly bleeding to death. Eventually, despite Jadzia's grit and determination to finish the mission, I had to leave her behind. It came down to choosing between saving the mission, and saving Jadzia. She told me to be a good officer, adn carry on without her. I kissed her good-bye and headed off.

I hadn't gone far when the sound of my heart beating in my ears reminded me off the vows we'd exchanged. "...nothing can stand between the beating of two Klingon hearts..." I abandoned the mission, and left to save her life. It cost me any hope of my own command, but to have let her die when I could've saved her would have cost my soul...

We talked of starting a family of our own. Major Kira said a prayer at the Shrine for us, despite her being as stunned everyone else, yet for us, it was a dream come true. The ultmiate expression of our love. Our very own happy ending. Not so.

Enter a Pah-Wraith possessed Gul Dukat. Pah-Wraiths are the evil equivalent of the Prophets/wormhole aliens. He was hell-bent on destroying them through an orb. The only accessable orb on the station? The one Jadzia was offering thanksgiving to that her ovarian resequencing worked....

Dukat enveloped her in a terrible flame. It started to slowly kill her. Apparently, he "hadn't meant to hurt (her)"... Big bloody deal. The bastard killed her.

Dr. Bashir saved the Dax symbiont. Jadzia was beyond help. I stayed with her while she slipped away. Her last words? "Our baby would have been so beautiful.." It would, Jadzia, for you were the mother, and you are beautiful. You make all that you touch turn to gold -- aren't I proof of that? I truly lived for the first time when I was secure in your love.... How can I ever repay that debt?

I have decided to take a leave of absense. I have a lot to think about, to get straight in my head. I need time to myself, and I won't get that on DS9. So I leave.... And I am alone again...

I don't know what I'll do now. Only one thing is certain -- no matter what happens -- I won't retreat back into myself. With Jadzia I was fully alive for the first time. I intend to stay that way. I owe her that much, at least. This way, her life will NEVER have been in vain!