This is a re-write of “Tears of the Prophets,” which as you all probably could guess, I totally didn’t agree with! My story is written from Dax’s point of view and I’ve incorporated some ideas from “Tears,” but most of the material is all mine.
Characters and the original “Tears of the Prophets” story belong to Paramount. I’m just correcting them!
Musical inspiration provided by "The Man in the Iron Mask" soundtrack and Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
It all began, I think, with that midnight call from Benjamin. It’s never easy for me to wake up, and even after Benjamin’s voice came across the line, “Sisko to Dax,” I still resisted and buried my head under my pillow. Once again, Benjamin’s voice echoed in my ears, "Dax, I want to talk to you." This time, I caught the note of urgency in his tone. I sat up in bed and took a deep breath, trying to rub the sleep out of my voice.
“Dax here.”I climbed out of bed, making sure Worf was still covered. I toyed with the idea of throwing a robe over my nightgown and heading down to the replimat like that, but for some reason, I resisted. Sisko would not wake me for something minor and I should extend him the courtesy of being properly dressed. Which mean Starfleet attire. I opened the closet and stared, as if I had such a variety of blue turtlenecks and gray-shouldered jackets. I picked one that looked fairly clean and got dressed.
When I turned, I saw that Worf was awake and was watching me.“I was enjoying the view,” he answered, with a rare burst of good humor. He propped himself up on one elbow as I came and knelt next to his side of the bed. I gave him a hug and he straightened my jacket and adjusted the pips on my collar.
“Benjamin wants to talk. Something’s wrong,” I told him.“It must have something to do with the Romulans opening a second front,” Worf mused. I nodded; since Worf was first officer on Martok’s ship and the Strategic Operations officer aboard Deep Space Nine, he had access to all sorts of information about the war. Sometimes I would press him for details, but more often, I didn’t. The war had been dragging on for a year now and somehow, the novelty (if you could call it that) had worn off and I no longer cared about who had gained what in which skirmish. It didn’t seem important anymore.
“Or Admiral Ross’s idea to push for Cardassia,” I added. I leaned over and kissed Worf on the lips softly. For a moment, he caught up my face in his hands and was starting at me so intently; I knew that stare.
“Not now,” I said, touching his face. “Benjamin...”As I expected, even just after midnight, Benjamin appeared to the quintessential Starfleet captain. His uniform, as usual, was impeccable and his eyes, though weary, were alert. There was already a raktijino steaming in front of him and when he saw me, he got up to fetch another.
“I’m sorry I woke you,” he began as I slid into the seat opposite him.“I would prefer a meeting with Quark than having the Romulans and Klingons in the same room. At least I know what Quark’s motives are. As for the Romulans, I don’t know. And I trust Martok, I always have, but where the Romulans are concerned, who knows?”
“I thought everyone agreed to put aside their differences. If there is one thing we all can agree on, it’s that we don’t want the Cardassians or the Dominion anywhere in the Alpha Quadrant.”
“That’s what I keep telling myself, but still I have doubts.”“I’m saying that you are worrying about something that is out of your hands. You can’t possibly change anything now, Benjamin. You should go to bed and in the morning, take a few moments to think clearly and plan what you want to say. Hopefully, everything will go well and everyone will get along just fine.”
“And if it doesn’t?”As I headed back to my quarters, I reflected on the conversation I had had with Benjamin. He was a good leader, but unfortunately, there were moments that he doubted himself, and I did my best to jolt him out of those moments. But there was no doubt that the war was indeed taking a toll on him and I could understand his distress; if I had to make the Klingons, Romulans and Starfleet happy, I would not be able to sleep either.
****Worf had scheduled our practice for the afternoon, but I was so exhausted from my late night that I could barely parry with him. He was disappointed, I know, but at one point, he took my bat’leth from me and held his arm out. I went willingly, and he wrapped his arms around me. I loved those moments, when it was just the two of us and everything and everyone seemed so far away. I had once suggested that we run away, far away, but Worf had eyed me grimly and then proceeded to lecture me on my duty to Starfleet. Of course I would never abandon Starfleet, but some time away would be good for us and I knew one day, the urge would get to be so much, I would just throw everything away and run the moment I could.
Worf led me to the wall and we sat down there, me leaning against him. There was something so strong and solid about him and I could feel that strength and energy just flowing right through me.
“I wanted to talk to you last night,” he said quietly. His fingers had somehow found their way into my fingers and soon I could feel him unclipping my silver barrette.“About what?”I asked, wondering what I had done wrong now. To be honest, Worf criticized me much less these days than he had when our relationship had first begun. I think it was just a matter of getting used to each other and our differing approaches to life. But I accepted his reproaches with equanimity, mostly because I knew he loved me dearly. But he had changed also in order to please me, and I don't think most people realized that. They only saw him trying to change me, not understanding that marriage is a two-way street, and he gave as much as he took. In those respects, I could not ask for a better husband.
“Starting a family.”I looked at him in amazement and he looked at me uncomfortably. We had discussed children briefly before we got married and had even broached the subject with Julian. Of course, after our wedding, there was no appropriate time to think of a family of our own. And then I had been seriously injured while on a mission and it had taken me a couple months to recover from that ordeal. And now, in the middle of the war, the idea of children seemed so ludicrous, that I never thought to bring it up. There would be time, I figured, after this was all over and I thought Worf felt the same as I did.
“I was thinking, it might be time,” Worf said softly. “If you wanted to.”“We will have to see Dr. Bashir,” I cautioned him, but Worf was kissing my neck, my face, running his hands through my hair. There was a gentleness to him today that was strangely intoxicating. And even though I knew I loved him, the fact that we had decided to take that ultimate step made me love him even more. I surrendered to him completely.
****As we trooped down the stairs, we found Bashir and Quark waiting for us. Both of them looked impatient, but I didn’t care. I was bursting with excitement and love. Worf, as usual, was restrained, though, from his last kiss, I knew he was just as pleased about our decision as I was.
“I’ve been waiting twenty minutes for you,” Bashir complained.“The Prophets tell me not to go to Cardassia, Admiral Ross tells me to go,” Benjamin said to me. We were standing by the window, watching a Bajoran freighter dock on landing pad C. “What should I do?”
“I think in all matters strategic, you should listen to Admiral Ross. As much as you would like to believe in the Prophets, Benjamin, you still have to remember that you have a sworn duty to protect this quadrant.”
“And you think the Prophets cloud my judgment?”“We are going to Cardassia tomorrow,” Benjamin said and I could hear the hollowness in his voice. I realized how uncomfortable he was with the decision Admiral Ross had forced him to make, but to be honest, if Sisko had asked me whether to attack Cardassia or not, I would have agreed with Ross.
“We leave at 0500,” he continued. “Martok will command the joint invasion force. Major Kira will be in charge of the station.”Sisko eyed us all speculatively and then Kira in specific. I could tell he was itching to grant Kira’s request, but someone would have to stay behind and watch over the station. It certainly couldn’t be Worf or O’Brien and Bashir didn’t have the experience.
“I will stay,” I spoke up. “I was thinking that Nog has been coming along well with his flying and he could take my place at the helm.”“We will help him,” Worf said with an uncharacteristic show of support for Quark’s nephew. I also could guess that for all his talk about not worrying about me, the last thing Worf really wanted was me aboard the Defiant where there was potential for me to be wounded or worse. Sisko took another look at Kira and then at me.
After the meeting, Bashir and I walked to the infirmary together. We had decided to try an ovarian resequencing procedure that would make my DNA more compatible with Worf’s. Worf would undergo a similar procedure after he returned from this mission.
“I’ve never really tried these enzymes before, you understand,” Bashir said, holding up a hypospray. “This is purely experimental.”That night, Worf came in late. I had intended to stay up until his meeting with Martok, Ross, Letran, Sisko and the others was over, but fatigue overwhelmed me. I felt his breath on my face as he dropped a light kiss on my forehead and I could feel his hands adjusting my blankets. I opened my eyes slowly.
“I’m sorry for waking you,” he whispered. He held up a PADD. “You left this on. You’re going to need to get another power cell for it. And you kicked off your blankets.”
“Oh, thank you.”“Fine,” he said. He stopped for a moment at his little shrine and prayed. I watched him, admiring his faith and at the same time, cursing my own lack of belief in anything that was not based completely in science. He came back to bed and looked at me.
“That’s it?” I asked.He did not answer. Instead, he pushed me down and began to play with my hair. I smiled at him.
“Will you miss me?” I teased him as his hands moved to push the straps of my nightgown down past my shoulders.“Did you say something?” he raised his head enough to make eye contact with me. I giggled again and he stopped my laughter with a long kiss. His touch was soft and gentle that night, almost as if he were afraid of breaking me. He had been the same way in the holosuite this afternoon and I think he first started to touch me differently after our aborted mission; it was almost as if he was afraid of losing me, of hurting me.
Later, we stayed awake, talking softly. He was tracing something on my stomach, just to the side of where the symbiont moved uneasily inside of me.Worf didn’t reply; sometimes, even in the most intimate moments, he was too shy to tell me how he felt. But I never needed his words because I could see his love for me in his eyes and feel it in his touch.
Worf propped himself up on one elbow and asked, “Computer, time?”Despite having barely slept, I managed to put on a good face to the rest of the staff as they boarded the Defiant. It was very important that they did not see how worried I was about this new mission; I suppose some of Benjamin's fears were rubbing off on me. I walked with Benjamin, following behind O’Brien and Jake. I wanted to ask if Benjamin felt strange having Jake aboard, but I figured that could be a conversation for another time.
“This is an ungodly hour to be heading to war,” O’Brien muttered to Jake. “And you can quote me on that.”“Any word from the front?” Julian asked me. We were sitting in Quark’s, nursing our respective drinks. It seemed deadly dull, being so far away from the action, so far away from where all our friends were. Even Quark seemed more subdued than ever; I didn’t know what was bothering him.
“Nothing, really. They can’t risk communicating, in case the messages are intercepted. Benjamin was very clear on that: only priority one messages.”I lit the candles carefully. It felt so odd to be here in the station’s temple to the Prophets. While I always respected Kira’s belief in the Prophets, I had always had problems accepting the idea that there were Gods, celestial beings, who called the wormhole home. To me, it seemed undeniably like an easy answer to all those difficult questions. In fact, the Prophets themselves seemed to invalidate any purpose to seeking out any explanations to the phenomenon we encountered in every day explorations.
I began to speak, “I don’t know if I’m doing this right. I’ve always felt more comfortable with you as wormhole aliens, but Kira thinks you're more than that...”My voice trailed off as I searched for the words I wanted to say, the right words to ask the Prophets for a baby. I smiled to myself. It seemed awfully selfish to use the Prophets in this way, especially since I didn’t believe. But I could always justify it since they had listened to Kira, hadn’t they, and I only wanted to strengthen that request.
I was about to speak when I heard the transporter behind me. I whirled around just as a familiar Cardassian appeared.Everything was blurred, fuzzy and bathed in a golden light. I was lying in a room, on the floor and there were two groups of people staring down at me. On one side, I could see Worf, Sisko, Kira, Julian and on other, an army of Dukats. They were all looking at me and I tried to move, but I could not. They were speaking but I could not understand. I tried to speak, but it was difficult to get the words out. The voices were getting louder and louder. I closed my eyes and managed to croak out, “Help me, please help me.”
And then there was nothing.I don’t know how long the blackness lasted but when I opened my eyes, I was still in this strange place, and the voices were louder and angrier. I wanted to move so desperately, but a peculiar paralysis had affected every part of my body. I could see Sisko and he was speaking to me in a manner that was incomprehensible. And there was Worf too and I wanted him to touch me, but he was barely looking at me. And Kira, Odo, Bashir, they were all the same too. Their faces were almost flat and without expression. On the other side, there were so many Dukats now, so many. I remember red eyes and some laughter from the Dukats, but nothing much else.
“Won’t you help me? Won’t someone tell me where I am?” I pleaded. I tried to push myself up from the floor, but a crushing weight held me down. The Dukats laughed at me. I looked at Benjamin and tried to hold my hand out.
“Benjamin?” I asked. But his face was sorrowful and he spoke, but I could not understand his words.Benjamin spoke again. I made what I hoped was an expression of confusion. Then one of the Dukats stepped forward and I faded into blackness again.
****Time stands still when you’re caught in that sense of surrealism. To be caught in a reality so familiar yet so devastatingly cold and incomprehensible is enough to drive anyone crazy. I felt for sure I would lose my mind; I had already lost all sense of time. But I knew enough to know that something wasn’t right, that this wasn’t my reality. There was an element of nature here, as if I were caught in a fierce storm that I could not control. It seemed sometimes that I was battered and bruised, but without my knowledge. I could only feel my pain, but not understand it or reach out to anyone to help me.
Sometimes, I could hear bits and pieces through the fog and there was one word I heard over and over and that was “faith.” Have faith, Jadzia, have faith.
I didn’t know what it meant, but that phrase was the only thing I could understand. And when everyone except Sisko and one of the Dukats had left me, I looked at Sisko and mouthed those words to him.
“I have faith,” I told him. “I have faith in you.”And then Dukat was gone. Just like that. And it was just me and Sisko. Still when he spoke, I could not understand, but his expression had changed and I knew that he had understood me.
****I woke and immediately knew I had returned to my own reality. Everything around me was sharp and clear and there was no sign of any golden light anywhere. I could move my fingers, my toes, if I liked. For a moment, I reveled in this return to normalcy but only for a moment.
There was a metal object on my forehead and it was wailing anxiously. In a second, Julian appeared at my side.“He was here most of the time with you. He kept telling me, you, everyone to have faith. That you would come around. Right now, he’s with Kira, going over some of the damage the Defiant sustained in the last attack on Cardassia.”
“Oh.”After spending three long and dull days in the infirmary, I was finally allowed to go home. I was exhausted, despite having done nothing but sleep. It was as if my bones had all melted into nothingness; I could barely stand on my own. I hated being so dependent on Worf, having to rely on him for whatever I needed, but the truth was, I was in no position to complain.
I spent most of my time in bed sleeping. Worf had moved to the sofa, in order to give me plenty of room. I had told him it wasn’t necessary, but I think he was afraid he would not be able to restrain himself and would hurt me.
And to be honest, since I slept so much, I hardly noticed where he was or what he was doing. I knew he must be doing most of his work right there in our quarters, in case I needed anything, but I was too weak to really care.
I was well enough one afternoon when Odo and Kira stopped by to sit with them with the living room. Kira's face bore a pained expression when she took my hand.Julian stopped by to check on me at least once a day and Keiko brought the children to visit me. I wanted to hold Kirayoshi in my arms but I was too weak and had instead settle for watching him and Molly play on the floor. After they were gone, I felt an enormous despair, wondering if my dreams of having a child of my own had been ripped away by a chance encounter with Dukat. I knew certainly that Worf seemed to treat me with exaggerated care and everyone else did too. Julian constantly urged me not to over-exert myself and sometimes, I felt like just turning my face to the wall, because it seemed in one single moment, everything I had longed for was gone. And in a strange, paranoid way, I wondered if I was losing my husband too.
****Worf came over to my side of the bed and helped me to sit up. He brushed my hair back from my face and I leaned against him, resting my head on his shoulder.
“I will check with Dr. Bashir,” he said. “Maybe we can go to Bajor.”So Worf told me that the orb in the temple had been destroyed and that the wormhole had been closed and no one knew why. Benjamin, feeling that he had failed as the Emissary, had packed up and left for Earth. There were doubts whether Benjamin would be back.
“Oh,” I said, feeling the ache for my old friend.Worf secured permission for us to visit Bajor and so one afternoon, we left. We walked to the landing pad, slowly, as I had to lean on Worf’s arm. But I was walking and I knew he was proud of me. We met Quark on the way and he was holding a picnic basket for us.
“I thought you might want a nice lunch,” he said.During the trip, we talked a little, not much. I wanted to tell Worf about my hallucinations, but I wasn’t sure how he would react. So instead, I slept in the back, waking only when we landed.
Worf had picked a quiet country house for our vacation, one he said had been recommended by Kira. We immediately began to explore.There was a giant kitchen with a fireplace and I could imagine a roaring fire on a cold day. I could see myself cooking dinner for Worf there, taking care of him the way he was taking care of me now.
“One day,” I told Worf. “I want a house like this.”The bedrooms were upstairs and I immediately picked the one I found most comfortable. The view was wonderful, with a vista of some mountains and a small river. Everywhere there was greenery. I threw open the windows, inhaling the fresh air deeply. It smelled so wonderful and clean everywhere. For a moment, I wondered if Worf would happy living here on Bajor; I knew that Sisko would love to live here and I could see - and feel - why.
Worf, who had moved his things into the room directly across the hall, came up behind me. He put his arms around me and I leaned against him. He rested his chin on my shoulder, his lips very close to my cheek.
“Are you tired?” he asked.He led me to the bed and I sank into the deep cushions. He pulled up a chair and he had that look on his face, his serious look that said we had much to discuss. I hated that look.
“What is it?” I asked.He began to speak, his voice very soft. He told me of how he sat by my side, day after day, talking to me, begging me not to leave him. How in the darkest moments, he and Julian had actually discussed removing the symbiont. How he prayed for me not to give up.
“Life without you would be unbearable,” he told me. I touched his cheek gently.And that’s when I told him about the hallucinations. I told him about the many Dukats, about how he and the others from Deep Space Nine were there and how no one would help me. He was silent for a moment and I thought that he would leave me now for sure, now that he knew he was married to a crazy woman.
“Was it the Prophets?” he asked.I lay awake that night, staring at out at the stars. It seemed so strange to be here, in this house, in this unfamiliar bed, and to see that marvelous expanse of sky... I got of bed and slowly picked my way to the window. I took a deep breath of the night air, reveling in the clarity which was slowly enveloping me.
Of course those images of Sisko, Worf and others were the Prophets. And Dukat, well, all those Dukats must have been the Pah’Wraiths we had encountered in the past. I realized now that a battle had been fought over my life and it was only because I had discovered faith, I had been saved.
I don’t know, even today, why the Prophets chose to protect a non-believer such as myself, but I have no other explanation; this is simply the truth I choose to believe.
****Bajoran temples are very calm, peaceful places. The landscaping, from lush green grass to beautiful flowers, is always cared for tenderly. The temple itself was a plain building made up of brown rock. Intricate carvings adorned the heavy wooden door. I touched the details carefully with the tips of my fingers, marveling at the delicate handiwork.
“You will be all right?” Worf asked. I knew he was anxious and did not want to let me out of his sight. But this, I had to do alone. I touched his arm gently.Inside, it was dark but wonderfully cool. I could feel the air moving around me and suddenly, I could feel the strength returning to my limbs. I approached the Orb, which occupied the position of highest honor in the temple, carefully. I lit the candles as Kira had once showed me and then I knelt in front of the Orb.
“I want to thank you,” I began hesitantly. “I want to thank you for saving my life. I guess, like I told you before, I was always more comfortable with you as wormhole aliens. Now I don’t know what to think. I just know that you had something to do with saving me from the Pah’Wraiths. I want you to know that I do believe. Or as much as I possibly can believe, because I have no other explanations to offer to anyone.”
At that moment, there was a blinding flash of light and I had to turn my face away. A moment later, the brightness was replaced with that now familiar golden glow. I rose, knowing that I was now in the presence of the Prophets. This time, I saw Julian. He was speaking, but still I could not understand him.
“I’m sorry,” I said. "I still don't understand."I had asked Worf to leave my windows open so I could feel the breeze coming in off of the mountains. He had complied with my requests, though I noticed he had frowned as he was unlatching them.
I sat up in bed, throwing the covers off; I had had enough of being treated like something that could be broken easily.