All hail Paramount, yada, yada, yada.
~~~~
"Deanna..."
Counselor Troi stopped staring at her plate and looked across at her dinner partner, "Yes?"
"Um, I want to tell you something..."
"I've been sensing that all evening."
Commander Riker shifted in his chair, "I'm accepting command of the Linden . This is war, and Starfleet needs as many capable captains as possible."
He'd been offered this command three weeks ago. She'd purposely avoided talking about what his decision would be, that was something she didn't want to face for a lot of reasons. Deanna tried to force a smile,
"Congratulations."
"Come on, Imzadi. Don't try to pretend with me."
"I'm not. I'm happy for you," she'd been shifting the same piece of meat on her plate for the past five minutes, "And like you said, it's a war, we need able captains."
"We haven't talked about this *at all* Deanna. How is it going to affect us?"
She shook her head, "I don't know..."
"I want you to come with me."
That got her attention. Her eyes widened, "What?"
"You and I have been playing these stupid love games for far too long. We belong together, wherever I am, I want you to be there with me. We finally came to our senses and got back together," Will reached across the table and took her hand in his, "Let's not lose each other again."
The truth was, Deanna hadn't been as confident about their refound love as Will was. Secretly, she'd been hoping he's take this comission so that she'd have a reason to break it off again, "I don't know if I want to leave here, this is my home..."
"It's mine too, but, we have to move on. Come with me, Deanna, please."
"I need to think about it, Will."
"I leave in two days."
She nodded. If her mother were here, she'd call Deanna a fool for not jumping at this opportunity. It all began when she and Will had a night of passion several months ago. They both took it to mean that they were meant to be, that they *had* to be together. Now, she was having doubts. Big ones.
"You don't seem too excited about all this."
Deanna stood from the table, "It's just a lot to think about, that's all."
Riker stood with her, and fondly kissed her lips, "Don't think too hard. I'll see you tomorrow."
She smiled. She didn't have to think about it at all. She wasn't going.
~~~~
"Computer," Counselor Deanna Troi sighed, "Display this week's casualty list."
"Processing..." the computer replied.
The next morning, Deanna sat back in her chair and sipped her hot chocolate. Slowly, a list began to appear on her monitor. She did this every Friday, to see if anyone she knew was there, or if there were any crewmates on the Enterprise- E that she would have to console. Last week, both of Commander Lynch's sons were posted.
Troi scrolled down the list, so for so good, none of the names were familiar--
"Oh, god..."
There it was. It made her heart pound to just see the name there. She'd never met this person, yet she was stil in anguish, "Station DS9- Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax," she said aloud, " Cause of death- unknown."
"Computer," she said, "Display a record of the death of Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax."
Doctor Julain Bashir's report came up on the screen. She scanned it. There were excessive amounts of energy discharges into Dax's body. She was found unconscious in the Bajoran temple. Bashir surmised that the energy in her body had something to do with the darkened orbs.
Deanna didn't know anything about any orbs, but she was terribly concerned. A year ago, she received a letter from Commander Worf. He was getting married, to Jadzia Dax. She knew who Dax was, the two of them had spoken of her before. Even though Deanna knew he loved her, she never imagined it would get this far. Yet, he married her. And now his wife was dead.
"What you must be going through..." she whispered.
Deanna wandered over to her window. Her feelings were jumbled. Though one thing was unmistakable The uncontrollable urge to go to him. Worf needed her. That she was sure of. No one else could console him the way Deanna could. They had been so much to one another at one time, she knew that he needed her, and no one else, right now.
But if she went to him, what would she expect? Obviously, Worf wasn't the same person she'd fallen in love with 4 years ago. Had it been that long? Yes, yes it had. And in that time, Worf had fallen in love and gotten married. He might reject her help if she went to him. He might see it as a helpless ploy to get him back. Would it be? Perhaps.
The door to her qurters swished open. She didn't bother turning around, she knew who it was.
"Deanna?"
"Yes Will?"
"I came to see if you wanted to talk about the Linden over breakfast... are you okay?"
"Worf's wife is dead, I just read it."
Commander Riker paused for a moment, then his voice got serious, "Why am I more worried than sad?"
"Worried?"
"Worried that you'll take this as your cue to re- enter his life."
She turned to face him, "Come now, Will. Worf and I were a short fling a long time ago."
"You loved him."
"*Unrequited* love is the term I like to use, thank you."
"So what are you going to do?" he asked.
"What do you think? I have to go see him. He's my friend, he's *our* friend. He needs me."
"Did he say that? Have you even heard from him lately?"
"No..."
"Because he has a new life," Will said, "You do too, but you have a tendency to forget that. And what about us? I leave tomorrow, Deanna, what are we going to do? I don't know when I'll be in the area again. They're sending me into Cardassian space."
"What?"
"That's right. I'm joining the invasion against Cardassia. And you're running to DS9 chasing after Worf."
"You're just jealous, Will."
"And you're setting yourself up for heartbreak."
Troi rolled her eyes, "Spare me, okay? You and I are tragic enough. Now, I'm going to see Captain Picard to ask for some time off."
Riker was in disbelief, "You're really going?"
"Yes."
He frowned, and breathed heavily through his nose, "If you go to him, You know I won't be here when you return."
She was silent.
"What about us?"
"Some things are just best left in the past. You and I are one of them, Will. This isn't going to work, so let's stop fooling ourselves.
"I had hoped you and I could get it together this time. But, you're right, we're just too tragic. Give Worf my condolenses."
"I will," she whipered.
"Like I said, I won't be here when you--"
Troi through her arms around him and they hugged for a long time, "You take care of yourself, do you hear me? I can't have my best friend dying on me."
"I'll try."
"I'll miss you."
Will tried to smile thorugh his sorrow, "I'll miss you too."
"I love you, Imzadi," she said.
"I love you too."
~~~~
He could see her. She was smiling brightly, and running across the promenade. He couldn't help but return her joyful smile. Her arms were outstretched to her husband, and she was calling him. Dax was only a few steps away...
The promenade turned dark. There was a deathly cold wind blowing, and suddenly Dax was kilometers away. Her face was pained, and she helplessly called to him. Worf tried to run, but his feet wouldn't move. There were men, thier faces were shrouded in black and invisible to Worf. They attacked her, violently ripping her body apart. Worf was paralyzed, all he could do was look on hopelessly...
Commander Worf sat up quickly in bed. He was breathing fast It had been another nightmare. His nights were plagued with them. Sleep only came in short intervals, and was filled with dark images of her death.
Jadzia. Worf gently stroked the empty left side of the bed. It had been five days now, five days of hell. He closed his eyes, trying desperately to remember the way she felt the last time they kissed outside the airlock six days ago.
Their quarters were filled with reminders of her. Worf didn't have the heart to remove any of her things. Her gown was still slung over her chair where she left it. Her uniforms still hung next to his, and her name was still registered to thier quarters.
There was one thing Worf had been avoiding. That message. Since it was wartime, the two of them agreed to update their farewell messages monthly. The thought of listening to her say goodbye to him was agonizing. Worf hadn't viewd it yet, and he knew if he did, it would make her death more real.
It was 0615, and Worf decided to get up. He took a quick shower, dressed, and headed for Quark's.
Everyone was unusually nice to him. Normally, the pity would have driven him mad, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything. Quark brought Worf a raktajino and gave himself permission to sit.
"It's no secret that you and I aren't friends," the Ferengi began, "But I was Jadzia's friend, and whether I liked it or not, she loved you. So, for what it's worth, I'm sorry for your loss."
Worf barely looked up, "Thank you," he mumbled.
"Thank you?" Quark exclaimed, "You're not going to bite my head off for even coming over here?"
"No."
Without another word, Quark left. Kira was sitting at the bar when he got back, "How is he?" she asked Quark.
"Terrible. Even *I'm* worried."
Nerys shook her head, "It seems like everything is falling apart, you know? Jadzia's dead, Sisko's gone, the Prophets have abandoned us..."
"But we're winning the war, right?"
"Who cares about about a war when the things you hold most important are gone?"
"I bet that's what Worf is thinking."
"I *know* it is," she said.
"Excuse me..."
Quark and Nerys turned. There was a woman standing towards the other end of the bar. She was wearing a Starfleet uniform, but neither recognized her.
"Welcome to Quark's, what can I get for you?"
"Oh, I don't want a drink," she said to Quark, "I'm looking for someone."
"Who?" Kira asked.
"Commander Worf."
Kira and Quark exchanged glances, "He's right over there," Quark pointed to a table on the upper level, "But I'd proceed with caution, he just lost--"
"I know. I'm and old friend."
The woman walked away. Quark shook his head in disbelief, "How does he get all the beautiful ones?"
"Maybe he's got something you don't."
"You think if I walk around with a chip on my shoulder and a terrible attitude, women would like me more?"
Kira shook her head, "No, I don't think so."
Deanna could see him sitting alone, staring at his drink. He looked so alone, even though he was in a room filled with people. Deanna suddenly felt very nervous, scared and unsure. She took several deep breaths before inviting herself to a seat at his table.
"Hello Worf," she said as calmly as possible.
Worf looked up, not showing the least bit of surprise, "I was wondering when you would show up."
"You were expecting me?" she asked.
"I thought you would join the rest to apologize for something you had no control over, and assume I need your pity."
Worf's tone was uncharacteristically bitter, "If you don't want me here, I'll leave. But, as your friend, I felt I should be here with you."
He sighed, "I apologize, I should not--"
"Don't apologize to me. Just talk to me."
Worf looked at her for a moment. Though he didn't want to admit it, he really wanted to talk to someone. And Deanna was always understanding.
"Not here," he stood, and she stood with him. Wordlessly, Worf led her down DS9's corridors to his quarters. They stood outside the door for a moment, "She wanted something on the outer ring, so we could have the best view. We both moved out of our own quarters so that we could have a place of our own together," Worf opened the door, and Deanna entered first.
She was smiling, "I like it, the view *is* beautiful."
"If ever she was away, I could just come home, and I would feel her presence."
"Do you still feel it?"
Worf nodded, smiling for the first time all week, "Yes, I feel her."
Deanna wandered around the brightly lit room, "Two bat'tlehs?" she asked, referring to one of their many wall displays.
"Yes, Jadzia was a *very* formidable opponent. That is how she got my attention. I will miss our matches in the holosuite."
"You two fought?"
"It was our favorite activity. We became friends, and then lovers, both while brandishing bat'tlehs."
"Very Klingon," Deanna stated. She crossed the room, "This is wonderful..."
"I considered taking that down."
"No, don't," On the wall, two gold crowns were entertwined. Beneath them was a knife, the tip stained dark red, "Is this blood?"
"Yes... I did not think we should hang the knife, but Jadzia insisted. We used it in our wedding ceremony, to seal our union in blood," Worf opened his hand, showing Deanna the scar in his palm, "She has an identical one, at least, she had one..." Worf's tone got somber again.
"What are these?" she pointed to the crowns.
"We wore these during the ceremony... wait here," Worf disappeared into the bedroom, and returned with a photograph, "This was us, on our wedding day."
Deanna took the picture in her hand and smiled, "This is beautiful, Worf. She looks so happy."
"She was. We both were."
"What are you going to do now?"
Worf paced the room, "I have been weighing that for days. I feel that if I leave here, if I leave our home, I would be betraying what she and I had. Our whole lives together were lived out here. We met here, we fell in love here, we married here... and for those same reasons, I can *not stay. There is too much of her here. It only serves as a painful reminder to what I have lost."
"Leaving would not be a betrayal. It would be your way of moving on. No matter where you go, Dax will be with you. But you're right, DS9 will only serve as a reminder of what you lost. If you stay here, immersed in the memory of your wife, you will never truly let her go and heal."
Worf picked up one of Jadzia's books from the shelf. It was written in Trill, which Worf couldn't read at all. They were old volumes, she'd read each one countless times.
"Let me guess," Deanna said, "Jadzia's books."
"Yes."
Troi sighed. She could feel all the intense pain and sorrow that coursed through Worf's body. It took all her strength not to break down in tears from it. She approached him from behind and fondly stroked his powerful shoulders,
"Come home," Deanna whispered.
"What?" he asked, still clutching his wife's book..
"Come home, Worf. We've missed you."
He turned to face her, "*This* is my home."
She shook her head, "It *was* your home. It was you and your wife's home. Now that she's gone, you feel alone and out of place. She made you feel like you belonged here, without her, that feeling is gone."
"Deanna--"
She placed her hand over his lips, "Remember who you're talking to. I *know* how you feel."
"No," Worf pushed passed Deanna. He lifted the second, smaller crown from the wall, and stared at it, "I cannot leave here. I cannot leave Jadzia," he paused, "Besides, what position would I have on the Enterprise? I am not in security anymore."
"First Officer."
His head popped up, "What?"
"That's right. Will's leaving, the position is available. And I'm *certain* Captain Picard would give it to you if he knew you wanted it."
She could tell that he was considering it, but that ended quickly, "No. I cannot."
"Look, I didn't come here to try to take you away from the life you've built. I came because I know you need me."
"And I thank you."
"I leave tomorrow night... I hope to see you before I go."
He nodded, still staring at her crown. With that, Deanna left.
~~~~
It still didn't feel like *her* office. Kira felt like she sitting in Sisko's chair, and that any minute he would come in, and relieve her back to her normal duties.
Things were falling apart. Kira guessed it was inevitable, the family they'd formed would one day go their separate ways. But why did it has to be *this* way? Dax was dead, which still seemed unreal, and Sisko was gone. From the looks of it, he wasn't returning. Worf was on grievance leave, and Nerys had a feeling he wouldn't be staying either. The rest of them were like lost sheep without a leader. Kira new she couldn't fill Sisko's shoes. She could try, but she would fail.
The door to Sisko's-- to Kira's-- office opened. Worf stood there, looking more rigid than usual.
"You wanted to speak to me?"
"Yeah, um, you can sit down."
He did.
"I don't know how to say this..."
"Please, do not say you are sorry for Jadzia's death. I am tired of hearing it."
She smiled a bit, "Then I won't. I will say this. I need you. I need you a whole hell of a lot, Worf. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It seems like our whole universe is fallling apart-- this is even worse than last year when the Dominion took DS9. At least I knew there was hope for a way out. We're winning the war, but..."
"I know, Major. I know how you feel."
She paused, "What are your plans?"
"I have not fully decided. I do not wish to abandon my duty..."
"But this place is filled with memories of your wife."
"Yes."
Kira nodded, her hopeless look hadn't faded, "I understand if you want to go, I really do."
"I know I am needed here."
"There's no doubt about that."
"I was offered a position as first officer on the Enterprise, my former post."
*This is it,* Kira thought, 'This is when he tells me he's leaving.*
"Are you going to take it?"
"I do not know."
"I'll understand if you do..."
Worf looked at the Major. She and he never said much outside of command situations. He'd never gotten to know her, and he regretted that, "I will let you know before the end of the day."
She nodded, "Fair enough. Thank you, Commander."
Worf respectfully nodded, and left.
~~~~
Worf took a long walk. He spent three hours walking the halls of DS9, no destination in mind, just walking. He ended his walk at the door to the Bajoran temple. Worf stared at the entrance, trying to make himself hate the prophets, but it wouldn't work. Jadzia's death wasn't their fault. It was... he had no idea who's fault it was, and that tore at him. There was no one to exact revenge from, no one to hate until he went to his grave.
Slowly, Worf entered the temple. The lights were dim, and they gave a golden glow. A vedek was there, moving about silently. He recognized Worf immediately, "These are troubling times, my friend."
Worf said nothing.
"I think I know why you're here. Come..."
Without argument, Worf followed the man. He was shrouded in orange, as most Vedek's were. He left Worf into another room, and without saying a word, Worf instantly knew that this was the place. There was an orb on the far end. It was black, it almost looked like it had been burned. Two unlit candles sat adjancent to it. In the middle of the room were several bouquets of flowers.
"Is this..." Worf began hesitantly.
The Vedek nodded, "This is where your wife was found, lying here. I found her, I had come into the temple for evening mediation, and she was here on the floor. She was barely conscious, and I immediately beamed her to the infirmary."
Worf kneeled beside the flowers, "The flowers?"
"Placed there as a memorial. Some from me, some from friends of hers... I did not expect to see you in here."
"I had to come."
"Please do not blame the Prophets for this. I know it would be easy to do so, but whatever happened to your wife, happened to them as well. The same energy found in her body was found in this orb."
"May I have a moment alone?"
"Of course," the Vedek left.
Worf stared at the flowers. He stared so hard that the different colors seems to swirl together, "I miss you, Jadzia," he said, "There is so much we will never do. What about Casperia Prime? Or the child you wanted so desperately? You brought so much to my life, I do not know how I will ever recover. I promise you this, I will not abandon our home, or you rmemory. I will find out what happened to you, I swear it. You will always be with me, Jadzia," he touched his heart, "In here."
~~~~
Deanna hadn't heard from Worf all day. It was begining to worry her. She wanted him back in her life, but she was afraid that he wouldn't let go of this one. Deanna hated the fact that she and Worf never had the relationship she'd wanted them to. She hated it even more that Worf didn't feel the same way.
Sitting on her hands is what cost her Worf the first time. This time, she'd have to get up and act.
"Enter," Worf's dep voice ushered her into his quarters.
Troi looked around, "You aren't packed, my shuttle leaves in two--"
"I am not going."
Deanna felt like she'd been slapped, "What? Why not?"
"This is my home. And I owe it to my wife to stay. I cannot run away everytime things get uncomfortable. I may leave one day, but not now. I have a job to do."
"You can work on the Enterprise, Worf."
"No, I have a job to do *here*. Captian Sisko left, and Kira needs me. And I have to find out who is responsible for my wife's death."
"I should have expected this."
"If you knew me as well as you *think* you do, you would have."
She was taken aback, "What is that supposed to mean?"
"I know why you are here, Deanna. Why you are *really* here. It is not to help me mourn Jadzia's death. It is for your own personal wishes that I go back with you."
His candor surprised her, "Perhaps my feelings were part of it," she admitted.
"I do thank you for coming..."
She smiled, "It was my pleasure."
"Shall I see you back to your quarters?"
"No, I can find my way."
Troi left. Worf went over to the computer console, holding a gold rod in his hand. It was Jadzia's message. He slowly took a seat, then slipped it into the panel.
"Computer," Worf hesitated. Should he listen to the message? Did he really want to hear Jadzia bidding him farewell?
Worf took the tube out. He wasn't ready to hear Jadzia say goodbye.
~July 2, 1998
~The End~
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