Each day was the same. Commander Worf awoke to the monotonous sound of the computer, and turned over. The left side of his bed was still neatly made, it stayed that way every night as a painful reminder of who used to lie there. Worf remembered what she was like in the morning, it was always a chore to get her out of bed, and even though he grumbled about it, Worf loved that about her. He would gently call her name, she'd bury her head in the pillow and plead for five more minutes.
Worf remembered going to bed at night. They slept on the same sides religiously, and every so often, just to aggravate him, she'd crawl over onto his side before he got a chance to. Every night, she'd lie her head on his chest and tell him about her day. She could talk forever, Worf would listen to her until one of them fell asleep, he was usually first.
Mornings now were quiet. Worf didn't hear her calling to him, trying to find her left boot, or her hair clip. It was just him, no beautiful wife named Jadzia Dax to kiss him in the turbolift as they rode up to ops. She had been taken from him six months ago, after only two years of marriage.
Jadzia and Chief O'Brien were on their way to starbase 47 to pick up parts for the new communications interface. They took the Danube, and halfway there, they ran into ionic turbulence, which scrambled their navigational systems. They ended up sectors off course, and in a gaseous nebula. By the time their runabout was located, they had suffocated from oxygen depravation and barium poisoning due to a leak in the ventalation system.
It was senseless a death without a cause or purpose. Two wonderful officers, gone for no reason. In the end, there was no enemy to seek revenge against, not one to blame. It was a terrible accident, and there was nothing that could be done to change it. There had been no hope of reviving them, and no goodbyes.
***
Etani Dax nervously wrung her hands, "This can work," she said to herself, "I know this can work." Her transport ship neared the station, and the sight of its ominous pylons and circular rings made her heart flutter. It had been six months since she'd set foot here, and it would be wonderful, yet totally uncomfortable to be back .
"Prepare to disembark, we will be docking at DS9 in five minutes," came the pilot's voice over the comm system.
Etani slung her pack over her shoulders and took a few breaths, "You can do this," she reasurred herself. She bit her lip as she waited to disembark.
***
"Where are you headed in such a rush?"
Bashir turned to answer Kira, "Major, I'm on my way to airlock four."
Nerys walked next to him, "Someone you know coming for a visit?"
"A doctor from Trill, her name is Etani, she's going to be working with me on a study on cellular decay in brain tissue."
"Sounds exciting," she asnwered sarcastically.
"Oh it is, I finally get to do some *real* research, and with someone who's genuinely interested in the subject. It's very exciting. She should be docking any minute."
"*She*? I hope you have fun."
Bashir laughed, "I'd thought about that as well, Major. However, I am going to be adult about this, no matter how beautiful she may or may not be."
Kira joined him in the joke, "Good luck."
They parted, and Julian picked up his pace. He was running late, and didn't want to make a bad impression on Dr. Etani. He was so thrilled to be doing this project, he didn't want anything to go wrong.
Just as he got there, he saw her stepping off. She was the only Trill, she had a pack over her shoulder, and she was looking around. Etani seemed to recognize him before he even called to her.
"Dr. Bashir, it's good to finally meet you," she extended her hand and shook his effusively. Etani wore an unusually bright smile, it puzzled Julian, but he didn't think much of it.
"Dr. Etani¬ it's just Etani?"
She nodded, "Yes, I'm not joined. Just Etani."
"Our former science officer was a joined Trill, Jadzia Dax."
"Where is she now?" Etani asked, as if she didn't know.
"She died six months ago," he said quietly, "I miss her very much."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Etani tried to change the subject, "When would you like to begin work?"
"I thought you'd like to settle in, get used to the station. We can begin tomorrow."
She smiled, "That sounds good. I've heard how diverse and intersting DS9 can be, I wouldn't mind seeing it."
She and Julian were walking the promenade. Bashir studied her for a moment, she was very pretty. She wasn't glamorous, just simply pretty. She had thick black hair that just barely touched her shoulders. She was tall, he wondered if that was normal for Trill women, Jadzia was tall as well. Her eyes were large, as black as the sky, and deeply enchanting. Her Trill spots were very dramatic, they stood out boldly against her dark skin.
"I'm not busy, I could show you around, there's a great Bajoran cafe on the upper level of the promenade."
Etani smiled to herself, this was just like old times, "I'm afraid I have to decline, Doctor. I have a friend I want to look up. But I may take you up on that later on."
With an apologetic smile, she walked ahead of him and stepped onto the turbolift. Julian shook his head, it must be a Trill custom never to date Human doctors named Julian Bashir.
***
Etani's lips would be raw before this was over she'd been biting them incessantly.
"Computer, locate Commander Worf."
"Commander Worf is in his quarters."
She breathed a sigh of relief. Etani wasn't ready to see him just yet, she hadn't prepared herself for how she would approach Worf. Right now, she wanted to see Benjamin.
Ops looked the same. For some reason, she thought it would look different, but it didn't. In her old seat was a young man, blue uniform, and he was a Vulcan. *I wonder how Ben handles him*, she thought. Without hesitation, she headed for his station.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Etani of the Trill Medical Ministry," she extended her hand to him and he suspiciously shook it, "I need to see Captain Sisko, is he available?"
"I am sorry, ma'am the captain is not expecting you, he-"
"This is *important*."
"It always is."
"That's unusually sarcastic for a Vulcan," she said, "I need to see him, I just arrived from Trill, and I have orders from my superior to meet with him immediately," that was a lie, but, who cared?
"Very well Doctor," the officer touched a button on his panel, "I apologize for interrupting you, sir."
"What is it, B'Nel?"
"Dr. Etani of Trill wishes to see you, she says it is urgent."
She could hear Ben sigh, "Send her in."
"Acknowledged," B'Nel turned to Etani, "You may see him."
"Thank you. You're the new science officer here?"
"Yes, I am."
"I knew the one before you, Jadzia Dax, very well. I miss her."
"Many of the crewmen share that sentiment. Her husband, Commander Worf, is still stationed here."
Etani nodded respecfully before heading up the stairs. Benjamin was seated at his desk, his eyes stessfully closed. Dax knew him well, he was having a bad day. Upon entering, Etani set her pack on the floor and entered the door lock code. The action surprised Ben, how would she know how to lock his office, and why would she do it? He slowly rose from his chair, "Doctor¬"
She was smiling, "Come now, Benjamin, let's dispense with the formalities."
Sisko was stunned, "Do I *know* you?"
"You knew the Old Man."
The room became deathly silent. Ben studied her face for a long time, as if he were looking for a resemblence, though he would find none. Finally he let out an awestruck whisper, "Dax?"
"Dr. Etani Dax, but, you know what I like to be called."
"*Dax*?!" he repeated.
"It's me, Ben."
"No, they told me-"
She put her hand up, "I know what they *told* you. It was my idea, I didn't want anyone to know who I was. So, I had the symbiosis comission tell you all that Jadzia Dax had become Liam Dax, a man. However, I'm not a man, and I'm not Liam. I'm Etani, and I'm your best friend."
Sisko rounded his desk and threw his arms around her. They hugged for a long time, until the realization of what was happening set in, "You shouldn't be here," Ben said firmly.
"Spare me, okay?" she made her way to his couch and sat, "I'm here on business, I'm working with Julian-"
"I know about *that*, and you know what I mean. You can't tell me that you're going to just avoid your husband-"
"He's not my husband. He was *Jadzia's* husband."
"I hope you can remember that."
"Do you have absolutely no faith in me?"
"You can't handle his, Dax. I know you, and you can't. You tried it once and it backfired. Remember Lenara?"
"Yes, I remember Lenara, I'm not a fool, Ben."
"Then why are you here, *really?* If you had just been here to do some research, you would have put your full name on the roster."
"I wanted to see Worf, just a glimpse, just to see how he's doing. I miss him, I just need to say hello to him."
He sat down next to her, "Will you be able to stop at just a glimpse, just a hello?"
"I'll figure that out when I get to it."
"Yep, you're definitely Dax. Always leaping without looking."
"I'd appreciate it if you kept this identity thing between us. I had to tell someone, but, I can't risk letting Worf know it's me."
"You're getting yourself into a big mess. I might not be able to help you out of it."
"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to do what you've always done. Just be my friend."
Ben smiled, "I think I can manage that. I *am* glad to see you. You look good."
"You think so? It's taken me some time to get used to it, I miss my hair," she ran her fingers through her short mane, "Worf always liked long hair."
Sisko's brow wrinkled, "You be careful, dammit. You know what could happen."
"I know. And I will, I promise."
"I'll be watching you."
"Of course you will, I'd expect nothing less."
"Have you seen Worf yet?"
She shook her head, "No, I haven't. I'm so nervous, I think I'm going to throw up."
"Well, his duty shift starts any minute, and he always comes in here with his morning report first, so if you want to miss him, you'd better leave right-"
The chime on Sisko's office rang. They looked at one another, and she gripped his hand, "What if that's him? I'm not ready yet."
"Don't worry, I'm right here," Ben stood to unlock the door and let Worf in.
"Good morning, Captain," Worf stepped inside. Etani felt her heart clench, there he was, after all this time. She wanted to run to him, but she forced herself to remain seated.
"Morning, Commander."
"I have the reports,"
"Good, good. I'd like you to meet someone, Mr. Worf," Dax stood as Sisko ushered Worf over to her, "Dr. Etani, this is Commander Worf. Dr. Etani is here from Trill to conduct some research with Dr. Bashir."
Worf firmly shook her hand, she thought she'd melt from his touch, "A pleasure, Doctor."
*You have no idea,* she thought, "For me as well."
"If you will excuse me," Worf turned and left Sisko's office.
"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Ben commented.
Etani let out a pained sigh, "I've got to tell him, I want to see his face when I tell him I'm Jadzia."
"Oh no, Dax. I think it's best of he keeps on thinking his wife is now a man."
"I know this hasn't been easy for him. He lost one woman already, and then I had to go and die. I need to alleviate some of that pain."
"You need to keep your mouth shut about the whole thing. You saw him, you touched him, now leave it alone."
"It's not that simple. I love him."
"He loves you too, and that's the problem. You two can't be in love anymore. When you died, it ended."
Etani stared at him, "I know. I'll see you later, Ben. I'm going to head for my quarters."
***
Commander Worf sighed heavily. He was tired, but wasn't really sure why. It had been a regular day in ops, nothing that caused him to expel too much energy, yet his body felt drained. He stepped on the turbolift and ordered it to level 24. Just then, he realized the source of his anxiety. He didn't want to go home. He never wanted to go home, but it was the only place he had to go. Perhaps it would be a good idea to move out of those quarters, start anew in a place that didn't remind him of his wife so much. No, that would be impossible. Besides, all he had left of her was her belongings, and the memories of the times they shared in their home.
Worf realized that it was probably time to move on. Martok told him that every time they spoke, and Worf would always avoid the subject. Move on to what, another woman? Would that even be possible? How could he let go if his love for Jadzia and give it to some other woman. It seemed like betrayal, almost. He reminded himself that he let go of K'Ehleyr, and in time he could let go of Jadzia.
The lift stopped on level 9 and the doors swished open. Worf recognized the woman, they had met in Captain Sisko's office earlier that morning, Dr. Etani was her name. She looked at him for a moment, her gaze was rather personal, as if she knew him. Etani kept her distance, though, clutching the railing on the opposite side of the turbolift. She held it so tightly, that her ivory knuckles turned white, then red.
Worf decided to speak up, "How long will you be here on the station?" he asked her.
She looked like she was going to jump out of her skin, "Um, well, a month, I guess, no more than that."
He nodded, "I see."
Her lips parted as if she were about to say something. After a moments hesitation, she blurted, "Will you have dinner with me?"
Worf frowned, "Excuse me?"
"It's just that, I'm new here, I don't know anyone, and I hate being alone. If you're busy, I understand."
"It is not that, I just question why you are asking *me*, of all the people on the station."
"I don't know, really. If you don't want to, it's okay-"
*What harm could it do?*, Worf thought, "I do."
He could see the tension drain from her arms, "Great, this means a lot to me. Where would you like to go?"
"The promenade is filled with Bajoran restaurants, but personally, I'm not fond of their cuisine. I think the replimat would be a good idea."
She nodded, "Meet you there in two hours?"
"That will be fine."
The lift slowed and stopped at level 24. She smiled at him and he pleasantly nodded before stepping off. That whole scene left Worf puzzled. He wasn't used to this type of thing at all, women he didn't know inviting him to dinner. And what could have persuaded Etani to ask *him*, out of all the people on the station? His mind was in a whirlwind, could she possibly be attracted to Worf, or did she just want some company. Worf told himself not to let this go too far. He wasn't looking for an intimate relationship, even if she was, and he'd have to let her know that he was not.
***
Etani studied her face in the mirror for a long time. She had no idea what possesed her to ask Worf to dinner, it must be the Curzon in her. Dax had never made much fuss about her appearance, but right now she would have given anything to have long brown hair and crystal blue eyes. Worf loved Jadzia's hair, and he loved her eyes. At least she was still tall.
"What am I going to say to him?" she asked aloud, "I want to tell him so badly it hurts. It's me, dammit!" she exclaimed. Etani paced her quarters and threw her arms up emphatically, "It's your wife, Jadzia, I'm here and I want you to hold me, I want you to make love to me, I want things to be like they were. I want to hear you say my name, I want to hear you tell me you love me."
Her eyes drifted to her comm panel. The next transport for Trill left tomorrow morning. After taking several deep breaths, Etani decided to book passage on that ship. She'd have to make her apologies to Julian, but it was for the best. Ben was right, she couldn't handle this, Dax wasn't sure what made her think she could do it in the first place. No matter what happened tonight, she would be heading home tomorrow, and she'd never look back.
***
Worf walked across the promenade, on his way to the replimat. For some odd reason, he felt good about this. Perhaps he'd make a friend tonight, two of his closest friends on DS9 died six months ago. When he got there, Etani was waiting for him. She was nervously thumbing a cup of raktajino. She looked terrified, the sight was slightly amusing. When she saw Worf approaching, she looked up and smiled, "I am not late, am I?"
She shook her head, "No, I just make a point to be early," that was definitely something she didn't pick up from Jadzia.
"I am glad to hear that. My wife was *always* late."
"Your wife?" she asked with feigned ignorance.
Worf lowered his eyes, "I was married, she, she has been dead for several months now."
Etani could see the pain in his eyes, "I'm sorry to hear that. Were you married long?"
"Two years, but it was like an eternity. I am certain you do not want to hear about her-"
"No, it's okay. I, I recently lost my husband," she stood, "I'll be right back."
"Where-"
Etani went over to the replicators and ordered for them both. Worf watched her, and was skeptical. His taste was extremely picky, the only people who knew it were his wife and mother. She returned with two plates, "It's a Trill dish, I think you'll like it."
Worf looked down at the food and back up at her, "How did you¬"
"How did I what?" she asked, though she knew what he meant. This was something Jadzia introduced to him, and Worf had fallen in love with it.
"Nothing."
Etani took her seat across from him, "So, where were we?"
Worf savored the first bite of his meal, "You were telling me about your husband."
"Yes, that's right. His name was Ahjes," Etani prayed that Worf wouldn't remember who Ahjes really was, Lela Dax's oldest son, "We'd been married for three years when he died. The worst part is, he's a joined Trill."
"As was my wife."
"Jadzia Dax? I heard a little about her from Dr. Bashir and Captain Sisko."
"I respect her culture, and I understand reassociation laws, I just wish they did not exist."
"I feel the exact same way," Etani agreed, "My husband is now joined to another man, but because of the law, we can't pick up our marriage again. I have to accept the fact that he's still alive, he's still out there, but no matter how much I love him, I can't be with him."
Worf nodded, "From what I have been told, Jadzia is now Reldek, a man, and I suppose that is for the best. If she were a woman, I might consider looking for her, just to see her once again."
"Perhaps it *is* best that we allow things like appearance and gender to dictate who we love. If you had the chance to be with her again, if Jadzia weren't Reldek, would you want her again?"
"Of course. She was my wife, my life is incomplete without her."
"I'm sure she feels the same way."
Her remark puzzled Worf, but he didn't think too much of it. This woman was unusual, somewhat intriguing. He felt comfortable with her, even though he'd just met her that morning. Maybe he was just naturally attracted to Trill women.
They talked for hours, Etani had to make up a few clever anecdotes to make sure that Worf did not become suspicious of her. This was going far better than she'd ever imagined. Even though she hated lying to him, she knew it was necessary.
"It is rather late," Worf noted three hours later, "Maybe it would be best to go home. The promenade lights will be out any minute now."
"I think you're right. I must thank you for agreeing to have dinner with me."
"It was my pleasure."
She smiled at him as they stood, "I'm glad we got the opportunity to know one another."
"As am I, I must admit, since my wife's death, I have not done much socializing."
"I think that's something you should work on," she offered as they walked the station's corridors.
"Perhaps you can help me with it."
"I'd be honored."
That made him smile, "What made you ask me to dinner?"
"Didn't you ask me that once?"
"I think it is a valid question."
"Well," she said as they rounded a corner, "Why not? Are you any less approachable than any other man on this station? Should I be apprehensive just because you're a Klingon? If so, I apologize for not being."
"That sounds like something my wife would have said."
"She sounds like a smart woman."
"She was."
Etani stopped, "We're at your quarters," she said.
Worf frowned, "How did you know?"
"I, I, um, I saw you go in earlier today."
"Oh, I see," she was glad he didn't question her further. She didn't see him go in earlier, she used to *live* here.
Etani nodded, "Good night, Mr. Worf."
He returned her nod, "Good night, Doctor."
With a smile, she turned and left.
****
This morning was different. Worf purposely slept all over the bed so that he would not have to awake to see Jadzia undisturbed side. He sang a overture from *Aktuh and Melota* to himself as he got dressed, and he left a half hour earlier so that he could stop by Dr. Etani's quarters to say hello.
"Enter," Etani assumed it would be Bashir trying to stay and finish the project, or Ben telling her that leaving, was the right thing to do. Instead, it was Worf.
"Doctor, I did not mean to intrude¬" he let his voice trail off. She had her pack slung over her shoulder and was heading for the door, "You are not leaving, are you?"
"Um, yes I¬ I have to get back to Trill."
Worf looked puzzled, even a little hurt, "Why? Yesterday you said you were staying a month."
"I have to go, there's a lot going on that you don't understand."
"I understand that I made a friend last night. What about your project with Dr. Bashir?"
"He can manage without me."
Dax gazed at him. This was more than she could handle. Worf wasn't supposed to get attached this fast. She was supposed to be able to slip out without anyone noticing, but, as usual, Worf wasn't making things easy for her.
"There is something else that you are not telling me¬"
"Why does it matter?" she asked, "We barely know one another."
"Honestly, I do not know," he shook his head, "It is one of my business in the first place. I am glad we met, have a safe trip home."
Worf turned to leave, but she spoke up, "Thanks, but, I won't be taking that trip for a month or so."
He faced her again, "That is good to hear."
"Would you like a raktajino before your shift begins?"
"Thank you," he replied as she walked towards her replicator, "How did you know I was on my way to work?"
***
Sisko shook his head, "You went out with Worf again last night?"
Etani nodded, "We had dinner in his quarters. I *was* planning to go back to Trill, Ben, but he talked me out of it."
"You're getting in too deep, Old Man."
She smiled, "I haven't heard that since-"
"Since you were Jadzia," he replied harshly.
"What do you want from me? If I could change things, I would still be Jadzia. But I have to work with what I have."
Ben stood from his couch and went over to the window. It was late, Etani had been on DS9 for six days now. They were in Sisko's quarters, and he was trying to persuade her to get out of this while she still could, "You know you're my friend, Dax, and I care about you. That's why I'm telling you to go. You've been through this once, you know what's going to happen."
"I don't plan on letting him find out who I am."
"Which is only going to make it harder, Dax. What if he falls in love with you, how do you then explain that you can never see or talk to him again?"
Etani lowered her eyes, "I won't let it get that far. I'm not about to throw my life away, Benjamin. I know better than that."
"What do expect to gain from this? You're leading him on, and it's not right."
"I just want to spend some time with him."
"And how much is enough? A month, two, three? A lifetime?"
"I know what I'm doing. Trust me."
He shook his head again, "You're treading on thin ice, Dax," Ben let out a sigh, "Then again, you always liked to do things the hard way, you never listen to reason."
"What makes you think I'm about to start now?"
Sisko had to smile at that, "Nothing at all. You just be careful, okay."
Etani stood and headed for the door, "I will, okay?"
"I'll be watching you."
"You said that already."
"I mean it."
***
Dr. Bashir deactivated his miscroscope, "Okay. I think we're making real progress with this."
Etani smiled, "I agree. Tomorrow, we can start analyzing the readings."
"You know, Doctor, the station could use another neural surgeon. Plus, I wouldn't mind a research partner full time. What would it take to convince you to relocate here?"
"Doctor, it's only been three weeks, I don't know¬"
"And you've only got one week left. I think it's something you should consider."
"I'll let you know, Doctor."
"Julian, call me Julian."
"Okay Julian."
She turned and left the infirmary, her heart was pounding in her ears. "I can't stay here," she whispered, "But, god, I wish I could."
As if on autopilot, her feet led her to holosuite two. It was Worf's routine to exercise at this time of day, and, just as she suspected, he was there. Without even asking, she invited herself in. Worf saw her, and froze the program.
"Etani, are you alright?"
Her face was flushed, she looked like she might cry, "Dr. Bashir offered me a position here on DS9. He wants me to stay full time."
Over the past three weeks Worf had become very close to Etani. It amazed him at how open he felt with her and how close they'd become so fast. It was as if they already knew one another, "What did you say?"
"I don't know, Worf, it's a big decision."
"You told me yourself that you were looking for a change of pace, a reason to get off of Trill. This is your chance to do that. And¬"
"And?"
Worf let his bat'tleh drop to the floor, and his eyes avoided hers, "I would like for you to stay."
Etani approached him. They stood dangerously close to one another, and Etani let his bearded chin rest in her fingers, "You want me to stay?" she whispered.
He tried to let his face turn away from hers, but she pulled it back, "Yes, I do."
For the first time in almost seven months, Dax put her arms around him, "Why is that?" she teased.
Worf slid his arms around her waist, "You know why."
Etani's whole body trembled from within, "I think I need you show me."
That was all the persuading he needed. Worf tipped her chin towards his face and kissed her. As they kissed, he could feel tiny drops of moisture fall from her eyes and onto his cheeks, "What is wrong?"
"There is so much you don't know about me."
"Tell me."
Etani wiped her eyes and pulled away from his embrace, "I can't. I wish I could, but I can't."
He frowned, "Will you stay?"
"Knowing that you *want* me to stay changes things."
"Whatever you decide, I will support it."
"I know. You've been wonderful to me ever since I got here."
Worf picked his weapon up again. He slowly paced the room, not exactly sure what was going on. He felt deep inside that he'd be making a mistake if he let her out of his life.
"I'll leave you alone," she said.
"When will we see one another?"
She shrugged, "I don't know. I've got to go."
This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to get this far. Her first instinct was to go and talk to Ben, but she knew what he'd say, "I told you, Old Man, now you've got yourself in a mess." It would be wrong to just leave Worf without saying a word, yet she knew that if she confronted him before slipping away, she'd melt in his arms and never leave.
There was always the option to tell him the truth. She had no idea how he'd react. He might be furious that she'd put herself in such a compromising situation, he might be thrilled to know it's her. One thing was certain, he would never let her throw away her life by staying with him. And deep down, that is what she really wanted to do.
It was a big decision. To stay here with the man she loves, always keeping her identity from him, and as a result, becoming an exile from Trill society. Or she could take the safe route, tell Worf who she is, go home, and spend the rest of her life regretting that she threw away her chance for happiness. Dax had been willing to do it once, she was ready to except the consequences and live with Lenara. Kaan had been the sensible one who didn't allow her to. Worf would definitely be that way as well. So, in the end, it was up to Dax.
***
Etani managed to avoid Worf for the next few days. It was very difficult, she had to make up all kinds of excuses as to why she was too busy to have dinner, or accompany him to a springball match, or just walk and talk. She wanted to be with him, terribly, but the day for her to leave crept closer. It was as if it were a light at the end of the tunnel, she could almost see it, almost touch it, but wasn't quite there yet.
Tomorrow, she'd be on a transport to Trill. Julian was upset that she wasn't staying full time, but he understood. Ben told her she was doing the right thing, and he was proud that she'd been able to get through this. "I hope you've gotten this whole thing out of your system," Ben had said to her earlier today. The truth was, Dax hadn't.
She stood from her bed and left her quarters, wearing her pajamas. Quietly, she padded the hallways all the way to level 25, section alpha, room 96, her old home. Dax still remembered the entry codes, and let herself in.
It was dark, but she didn't need the light, she had the place memorized, and Worf hadn't re- arranged a thing. She smiled as she watched him sleep. Her side of the bed was neatly untouched, she wondered if it was like that every night. Etani sat on her side of the bed, leaned over, and stroked his hair. Right now, Dax would give anything to be Jadzia again, to be his wife, to lie here next to him-
"Etani?"
He startled her, "Worf, I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you."
"What are you doing here?"
"I needed to see you. I'm leaving tomorrow."
"I know," Worf decided not to ask how she got in, and why she chose to lie in bed with him as he slept. He was so glad she was actually here, he didn't care, "I thought you did not want to see me anymore."
"I want to do more than see you. This might sound a bit forward, but... I want you to make love to me."
"You are correct, it does."
Etani pressed her lips against his. Worf decided to not to fight it, he pulled her onto him and let the kiss deepen. Perhaps this would persuade her to stay here with him.
She slid her legs under the covers and intertwined them with his. This was totally against every reassociation law in Trill society, but Etani didn't care. She needed to feel her husband's body against hers, it had been so long.
"Are you sure you want this?" he whispered. His deep rumbling voice was entrancing.
"More than anything. Do *you* want this?"
"I *need* this. I think it is time for me to move on from Jadzia."
That sent a twinge through Etani. If he only knew, he's not moving on from Dax at all, he's about to make love to her. They didn't say anything else, they let their bodies do all the communicating, their minds were in sync. He gasped at her touches, and she at his. It was wonderful, more than either of them imagined. When the ecstacy had ended, once they'd regained their composure and their breathing returned to normal, Etani rested her head on his powerful chest.
Worf was silent. She thought he was alseep until she felt his strong hands carress her back, "Worf?"
"Yes?"
"Do you remember, last week, when I told you that there were things you didn't know about me?"
"Yes, I do."
"I think it's time I told you."
His fingers ran through her thick tresses, "What is it?"
Etani took a deep breath, and lifted her face so she could look at him, "I told you I wasn't joined, but I am. I've been that way for six months. My name is Etani... Dax."
Worf sat up, and his eyes squinted as he looked at her, "Dax?" he breathed.
"Yes," she cupped his face, "It's me, dear, it's your wife."
He shook his head in disbelief, "No, no, Dax is a man now."
"I purposely wanted you to believe that so you wouldn't seek me out. The ironic thing is, I ended up seeking *you* out."
"Dax," his hand trembled as he reached up to touch her face, "My beautiful Dax."
"I had to see you, Worf, I had to."
"That whole story about your dead husband..."
"I made it up."
Worf rolled her over so that she was lying down, and his large body loomed over hers, "Does anyone else know?"
"Ben, that's it."
"I, I do not know what to say. I have dreamed about this, and now, here you are," Worf gazed at her face, and thought a moment. His awestruck face turned serious, "You are not supposed to be here."
"That's the first thing you say to your dead wife? Not, I love you, or I miss you."
"You know all of that, Dax."
"And I know I'm not supposed to be here. Leave it to you, Worf, to kill all the passion of the moment with reminders of responsibility."
"You could get in a lot of trouble."
"I won't tell if you don't."
"This is serious, Dax."
"You think I don't know that? You think I don't know that I could be exiled from Trill for what we just did? This has been plaguing me every since I got here, but, I've chosen not to think about it right now. All I want is to be with my husband one more time. Do you remember the last time we saw one another?"
"It is all I think about. We were so caught up in work we did not even say goodbye before you and Miles left. We were both so busy, I was working when the two of you departed. I took for granted that you would always be here. And... and I never saw you again."
"I hate that Worf. I keep thinking we should have made the time for one another, I should have said goodbye. I shouldn't have even gone in the first place."
"It is too late to think about that now..."
"Then what do we think about now?"
Worf pulled her close, pressing her body close to his. He was silent for a moment, Etani could feel his chest heave as he breathed against hers. Finally he spoke, "For now, we do nothing. We say nothing, all we do is feel. For now I am Worf and you are Dax, my wife."
"That sounds like something I would say, not you."
Worf brushed her hair back, "Perhaps some of your ways rubbed off on me."
Dax blushed, "Okay. But after tonight..."
"We will wory about that after tonight."
"All right."
***
This night was too short. Etani kept repeating that to herself as she slowly rose from sleeping next to Worf, "This night was too short," Dax got up early, she was trying to slip out without him knowing, ending this before it got worse than it already was. The truth was, all she wanted to do was climb into bed next to him and stay there the rest of her life.
She dressed herself silently and quickly, the transport was due to leave in an hour, and she still had to go to her quarters and get her things. Once she was dressed, Etani stood in the doorframe of their-- his bedroom and watched him sleep. He was so beautiful, so perfect. Her eyes welled with tears and one spilled down her cheek. Why did she come here? And now that she was here, how could she leave?
Etani turned back to the main section of the quarters. Her eyes were drawn to a wall, she could remeber the day they put up the display. Slowly she approached it, the sight made the tears fall even heavier. It was their wedding display, two crowns were intertwined, and two bat'tlehs hung under them. Etani reached out and removed the smaller crown. With shaking hands, she placed the crown on her head, just as she had so long ago.
"You were very beautiful that day..."
Dax turned suddenly, Worf was standing across the room from her, his resonding voice didn't startle her, it sent chills through her body.
"I remember seeing you, dressed in blood red, your eyes danced merrily, your smile was bright and sincere. I remember the way you proclaimed that you would love only me until the day..." he paused, hanging his head a bit, "Until the day you died."
She took the crown off and stared at it.
"I did not fall asleep right away last night," Worf continued, "I was thinking about you, and what to do next. And my heart tells me to keep you here, but I know that would never work."
"Why not?" she whispered, still staring at the crown.
"Because of something you told me some time ago. You told me about Lenara, how, at first, you were angry and hurt that she was not willing to be with you. But then as time went on, you realized that *Jadzia* didn't love Lenara, the sight of her resurfaced a lot of intimate memories, and you thought you loved her. As you matures as Jadzia Dax, you realized that Lenara was not the type of person you wanted," As he spoke, he slowly approached her, "I am certain the same thing would happen to us. At first, it would be wonderful, but as time progressed, we would grown apart. You are not Jadzia, you carry her memories. I loved Jadzia Dax. I loved how hard it was to get her up in the morning, whereas you awake with no problem. Through time we would find even more things that we did not have in common. It would not work. As much as I may want it to, I know it would not."
Etani finally looked up at him, "I have to go," she whispered.
"I know."
"I want you to know," she eyed the crown again, before looking him in the eye, "I want you to know that I would give it all up, I want to stay here with you."
"I love you too much to allow that."
"Yes, I knew you would say that."
Worf gently took the crown from her hands, "You need to let this life go, Etani."
She blushed, "That's the first time you called me Etani since I told you who I was."
"That is who you are. You have to remember that."
Etani didn't know what to day next, she didn't know how to say goodbye to him. Worf spoke up for her.
"Let me take you to Trill."
"What?"
"I have not been away from work since Jadzia died. I need to get away, and I need to visit her."
She smiled, and nodded, "Okay."
***
Worf laughed heartily, "You thought that!"
"Jadzia thought that, yes. But, just at first. After you two got to know each other more, her outlook changed. "
"I think that I have learned more about my wife in these past few hours than I had known in years," Worf said. He and Etani were on their way to Trill in the Yangtzee, and the had been talking for hours about their marriage.
"There are still a lot of things you don't know, Worf."
"Such as?"
She tipped her head, "A woman has to have her secrets."
"May I ask a question?" he asked.
"You can ask, but I might not answer."
"When did you, Jadzia, decide you wanted to get married?"
Dax blushed, "You remember Gaia, don't you?"
"Yes, yes I do."
Etani shook her head, "I shouldn't be telling you all this, you know," she said, "If Jadzia wanted you to know, she would have told you."
"Perhaps she simply did not get the chance."
She sighed, "Jadzia and Yedrin spent a lot of time together, she was very curious about her life on Gaia, and they talked for hours. She found out a lot of things..."
"Why do I feel like you do not want to tell me?"
Etani shifted in her chair at the helm of the runabout, "Becuase it's a little, embarrassing."
"Embarrassing?"
"Yes."
That made Worf smile, "We are not talking about you, we are talking about Jadzia."
"I feel very Jadzia right now, especially after last night."
"Last night," he repeated slowly, "I do not know what to say, I would never have made love to you if I knew who you really were, if I knew--"
"If you knew, you couldn't be with me?" she asnwered quietly.
"You know how seriously I take this type of thing. You know that. It bothers me very much, I do not believe in one night stands."
"I know you don't."
"Why then did you approach last night? You knew we could not be together, and you know how serious sex is to me."
"I guess I still posses the frivolous nature you always accused Jadzia of having."
Worf was tense, and Etani could see the stress build up in his back and shoulders. She was feeling very Jadzia, she stood and laid her hands on his broad shoulders, just like Jadzia would do when he was tense. Her hands began to kneed his tight muscles, Worf's eyes closed and he imagined her heavy hands weren't hers, that they were his wife's. Etani was in her own fantasy world, she was Jadzia Dax again, massaging her husband's often tense neck, hearing his breathing become slow and steady as she lulled him into a state of euphoria.
Worf spoke in a low, pleasured rumble, "Mmm, that feels good, Jadzia."
Suddenly she stopped. His eyes popped open and they both came out of their trances. Worf turned in his chair and looked up at her, "I apologize, I was not thinking--"
"It's okay," she said quietly. Her face was so upset, Worf thought she was going to cry. She almost did, but not because she was angry at him for calling her Jadzia. She was angry that she *wasn't* Jadzia, "I got myself into this situation. I wanted to see you , I thought it would be easy. But it hasn't been. Not at all."
"I should not have volunteered to bring you to Trill."
"You would have me ride in a cramped transport ship?"
Worf dismissed her jovial comment, "We have gotten ourselves into a serious situation."
"You mean, I got you into a serious situation."
Worf took her hands in his, and drew her to face him. Etani stood over her him, staring down at him. Worf's large hands encircled her delicate waist. He let out a sigh, leaned forward, and rested his head on her stomach. Etani stroked his hair, "I'm sorry," she whispered, "I should never have come... I'm sorry."
Worf was quiet for a moment, he relished in her body, her scent, her feel, "Do not apologize. I am glad you came," he looked out at her, "I missed you so much, Dax."
"I missed you too," Dax's voice shook, she could feel her eyes welling with tears, "When I was first joined to Etani, I would sit, and stare at the stars. I'd cry for hours, thinking about I was here, and you were there, yet we couldn't be together. I couldn't be married to my husband. And I understand reassociation laws, I believe in them, but it's hard as hell to just walk away."
"I know. But I always thought of you as strong, you were the strongest woman I knew. If anyone can get through this, Dax can."
She wiped her eyes and smiled a bit, "I'm glad someone thinks so."
The console beeped sevral times, and Worf activated the sensors, "We have entered Trill's orbit," he said to her.
Etani sank down into his lap, "I think it's time we said goodbye. Forever."
"We never got to say good bye before."
"I love you, Worf."
He touched her face, "I love you too, Dax."
She leaned forward, and they kissed one last time. They held one another tightly, and the passionate kiss seemed to short for either of the,"
"I should go..."
"Let me transport to the surface--"
"No, no, this is where you and I part, Worf. This is it."
He clutched her even tighter, "I cannot let you go again."
"I'm not yours to hold anymore,Worf," she whispered, "Look at me. I'm not Jadzia."
"That's right, you are not."
"Let me go, Worf. Let me out of your arms, and out of your life."
Worf closed his eyes for a moment, and loosened his grip on her. She stood, and disappeared into the back of the runabout. When she returned, she had a pack on her arm. They didn't exchange anymore words, Worf swivled his chair, painfully turning his eyes from her. Silently he actviated the transport. A silver blue haze came over her, and as she was fading away, Worf looked at her. She smiled through the transport waves, and he nodded to her. With that, Dax was gone.
December 16, 1997
~The End~
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