The One and Only
Official(-ish)
Rosie Millard
Appreciation Page*

Intro

In recent times there has been a trend on the Internet, to pick an obscure television presenter - the more obscure the better - and create a Web page devoted entirely to their celebration. GMTV presenter Penny Smith, Tomorrow's World presenter Philippa Forrester, and C4 newsreader, Daljit Dhaliwal, exemplify the lesser known celebrity, catapulted to lasting Internet fame, as a result of this phenomenon.

The reason for this trend is pretty simple: the more obscure the celebrity in question, the more likely it is that the Web page will be - at least for a short while - unique in its content! And so the race is on, to find ever more unknown media figures to worship publicly...!

So, it was partly with this in mind - and partly out of genuine adoration - that I have created this page dedicated entirely to the gorgeous Rosie Millard. And I am proud to announce that this is the first ever Web page to be dedicated to this wonderful person, though it may well not be the last ... who knows? But let us revel in this uniqueness while it lasts ...

Yes, but who is Rosie Millard??

Who is Rosie Millard? Are you completely mad??! She is the BBC Arts Correspondent for Breakfast News (as well as many many other BBC news programmes!), of course! Apparently, she is also some time arts correspondent for various quality newspapers ... so there! Not only that ... she is an exemplary instance of that rare species, lesser known megababe!

Ok, so what is so brill about Rosie Millard? Well, I'll tell you what is brill about her. She is just so very very very cute. She is pretty, intelligent, whacky, curvaceous, demure, and ultimately, incredibly incredibly sexy. I could say more, but you get the picture. She is also very very married by the look of that ring on her finger, so ... things aren't looking up ... which is a shame, because if she married me, then, she wouldn't have to change her surname ... much.

The wedding ring! Argh! [from an interview with comedian Alan Davis at the Fringe]

Ok, I'll level with you: I don't know much more than that, other than, she is a joy to watch on the telly. Her presenting style is at the same time dizzy, yet intelligent, and her diplomacy is rare amongst arts critics in that she's still nice about things that she's doesn't like, and never authoritarian in her judgement. Someone has said that her voice has a nice ``gurgle'' to it - I would agree with this, and add that she reminds me very much of a quirky primary school headmistress, in that her voice has stern, and yet kind-hearted qualities to it, all at once. In fact, I'll go further than that, there is a slight growl in her voice, almost a purring quality... like... a tigress... rrrr! Hopefully more factual information about her life and career will follow at a later date, which shall really do this goddess of the airwaves justice!

+++ Stop Press +++ New Bio Information +++

We can now confirm that the Millard is a graduate of Hull University, where she studied English (and Drama?). We also hear on the grapevine that her fave nightspot in Hull was the Silhouette, so if you're ever inspired to make a pilgrimage to Hull, that is no doubt the best place to pay homage!

Visitors to the Hull Alumni pages a while back, would have been shocked and appalled at the inexplicable omission of Hull's most important and most curvaceous alumnus from their page listing famous alumni. However, thanks to direct action by this site, this situation has now been rectified! Huzzah! A repentant Alumni Officer wrote:-

Rosie Millard will be added pronto! Watch that web site! [...] Rosie Millard came back to the University to give a lecture on how she found a route into journalism/media/BBC correspondent (Arts) - so to omit mentioning her is a capital offence.

Some Magic Millard Moments

Here are just some of my favourite highlights from the Millard's career:

Interviewing John Travolta at Cannes

I think this is when I first fell in love with the woman. As she introduced her pre-recorded interview with John Travolta, she owned up that she had always had the hots for him as a youth, and this certainly came out during the interview! She was breathless, and swooning like a teenager, for the entire time! But the real magic moment came when John Travolta actually asked her if she had seen the new musical production of Grease and what she thought of it - she could barely stutter out the words in answer to the question - I honestly thought she was going to faint, there and then! How sweet!

Rosie has a brief word to say about the interview herself, at the BBC News website. She describes the interview as ``somewhat bizarre'' because of the ludicrously inconsiderate time restriction that was imposed ... but we know there were other reasons for her being flustered, right? ;-)

Dancing at the Edinburgh Festival (14/8/1998)

This was the event that finally prompted me to set up this page. What happened was, she signed off her report from the Edinburgh Festival by introducing a trio who were to play Viva Las Vegas, and then when the band started to play she remained on stage ... and went mental, dancing like only a crazy fun-lovin' chick can! But this was no embarrassing effort such as might be made by any other woman of the same delicate demeanour. Oh no. Her dance was an eclectic and visually stunning cross between the Charleston, the Twist, Riverdance, and that bloke out of the Prodigy. It was f***ing cool, trust me. And at the time, she was wearing a suit with a short skirt, which showed off admirably her full and shapely legs. Back in the studio, the comment was:

``Now you won't see many BBC correspondents doing that.''

What a woman.

Discussing Nicole Kidman... (28/9/1998)

On this occasion Rosie was invited onto Breakfast Time as a guest to discuss the furore over the rave-reviews that Nicole Kidman had been getting from an almost exclusively male circle of theatre critics over her appearance in The Blue Room, a stage-play in which she... well, gets some of her kit off... occasionally.

Rosie was, as always, very gracious and magnanimous, saying that yes, Ms. Kidman was both great in the part, and also utterly gorgeous, but that too much fuss was being made over her appearance in what was not actually a very spectacular piece of playwriting. She also pointed out, repeatedly (each time with a huge grin on her face) that, in any case, Kidman's male co-star had appeared fully in the nude, and had actually done cartwheels in this state of undress!

The whole interview was pretty funny, as throughout, the Millard remained quite wide-eyed and incredulous about the whole fuss being made over Ms. Kidman! She also expressed exasperation at the comments of The Telegraph's theatre critic, who had summed up the play as ``pure theatrical Viagra''.

Well, Rosie, please don't take this the wrong way... but you are pure televisual Viagra ... ! I'm not entirely sure about your new barnet though...

What about those legs?

Rosie Links

Well, the Web is pretty sparse with Millard-related pages right now, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good, because it effectively makes me the Minister for Millard Propaganda, but bad, because it means millions of people all over the world may miss out on even knowing about the existence of the most gorgeous woman on the planet!

BBC Reports

-> An Up-To-Date Index of Rosie Millard Articles

This link is actually a query to the BBC News search server, which will (hopefully) return with a list of links to all Rosie's BBC reports that are on-line. Hurrah!

-> No museum entry fee in 2001

Here you can see a RealVideo report by the Millard (if you can be bothered to download the software!)

-> Brahms manuscript sold for $700,000

Contains a picture of the Millard!

-> A brief comment on Girl Power

The Millard liked Spice World, once more proving that she is cool. So Philip Parsons from The Times, that proves you are wrong.

-> The Verve and All Saints walk off with the Brits

More RealVideo!

Miscellaneous

-> Guardian | Jury duty: it's aptly named

Short article in the Guardian, in which the Millard expounds succinctly, the virtues of jury service. Pay attention, it's important!

-> Biog!

A small bio of the Auburn One, at the UK Arena website. Hmmm, looks like it's time to get digital!

-> Bacon!

Here, Rosie gives a very snappy and insightful review of the film Love is the Devil (about the artist Francis Bacon) in which she actually uses the word arse, hehehe! [The article is at the bottom of the page, in case you were wondering!]

-> Oh No!

A snippet of an article by the Millard, reviewing some ``conceptual'' art by the well-known Japanese madwoman, Yoko Ono. Rosie expresses dismay at a museum's reluctance to allow the public to get... er... conceptual.

-> Top Ten Totty

YAY! At last Rosie achieves the recognition she deserves, by coming joint 16th in TOG's Top Ten Totty Vote! Er... hang on, that can't be right... I DEMAND A RE-COUNT!!!

-> Miss Marianne Martindale

Contains an excerpt from an article by the Millard featured in The Independent. The article is about a freak-woman from some sad attention-seeking Oxbridge society, whose legs look like tree-trunks compared to Rosie's. The weirdo in question has a penchant for spanking, but that's no excuse.

-> Monopoly

Bizarrely, this jolly 1995 article about the board game Monopoly [tm] (which again, appears to be from The Independent), has ended up on a page at Hong Kong Polytechnic University ...!

-> WOW! Look how many articles the Millard has written!!!

The Electric Library seems to have an archive of every newspaper article that the Millard has written since 1994! Amazing! Unfortunately... you seem to have to pay for access to the actual articles, which is... outrageous! I mean, I'm not saying that she's not worth it, but there should be universal Millard-access for all!

-> Clive on high

Whooohooo!! Rosie is soooo cool, she's even had one of her old Independent articles re-published here, at the extremely groovy Planet Sinclair. This website is dedicated to creator of the greatest ever 8-bit computer, and all-round C5-inventing Mensa loony-bloke himself, Sir Clive Sinclair... and Rosie's article is actually an interview with the great man in his new apartment! I must say, his new pad sounds pretty neat from the Millard's description.... and Rosie even gets to play his piano! Rosie can play the piano!!

-> Media Families

Goodness, an Independent article actually at the Independent's Website, whatever next?! This is from the Media Families series of articles, and here the Millard is writing about the Shulman clan. I do wish the Independent would sort out some search facilities at their site...

-> Piccolo's Florist & Gifts

Arrrghh! I don't believe it!!! This site scores top with Metacrawler on a search for ``Rosie Millard'', simply because it has a feature called ``Rosie's Weekly Tip'', and there's an area in Nebraska called ``Millard''. Unbelievable.

UPDATE! This is no longer true! The page you are currently reading is now the top ranking Rosie Millard site on Metacrawler! Hallelujah! (Well... actually, not strictly true, Metacrawler still gets it wrong sometimes... oh well).

Millard on USENET

Unfortunately, these were the only two USENET threads I could locate, concerning the Millard ...

-> Rosie Millard, the face of naffness [uk.media.tv.misc - 24/01/1997]

Someone is mean about Rosie ... but! A knight in shining armour leaps to her defence, calling her ``a bit scrawny, but cute.'' Well done, that man!

-> Today dog artist [uk.media.radio.bbc-r4 - 28/02/1997]

Someone is mean about Rosie again (the same person - <GASP!>) ... but! Yet another knight in shining armour bounds into action, praising her ``refreshing'' enthusiasm, and stating unreservedly, ``I *love* the slight gurgle in her voice''. How very true.

Where is she?

Where is the Millard now? Do you know? She went missing from our screens for a while after the Edinburgh Fringe opened, prompting widescale panic throughout the country, amid rumours that she had been sacked by the BBC for being too post-modern. However, these rumours were soon laid to rest when Rosie re-appeared on our screens within the month.... the BBC would never sack its greatest asset, and risk losing its charter now, would it?

So, in order to avoid any unnecessary civil unrest in the future, we shall regularly publish reports of any Millardsightings here, to reassure Rosie's anxious public of Her continued patronage of the UK's media scene. Reports of any sightings are welcomed, particularly those of an in-person nature!

Recent Sightings

• She's back in full effect on the m.i.c.! Hurrah! The Millard returned to our screens towards the end of January, and has not left since! Sadly, your friendly neighbourhood webmaster has been a bit too busy of late, to keep up with all her adventures... hopefully I shall have more time towards the end of the year, but until then, I'm afraid you'll have to be patient, sorry! See the guestbook for more limp excuses... :)
• Don't panic! Don't panic! Rosie shall be off our screens for a while, but don't panic! A Beeb insider assures me that as of 13/8/99 Rosie is on maternity leave until the Millennium. So, if you want to see the Millard, right here is the best place to be until the year 2000!
• Glad tidings! 25/4/1999 We have an unconfirmed report from Paul Nicholas (not the Paul Nicholas of 80's sitcom fame, surely?!!) that the Millard is pregnant again! Apparently, she announced the news when she appeared on Nicky Campbell's 5 Live show a few weeks ago, where she was being "shadowed" by a student of journalism from City University. Congratulations Rosie!! (A Millennium Millard, perhaps?)
• Spotted! 5/2/1999. My London correspondent reports a sighting of the Millard in the Nigel Dempster column of the Daily Mail, details are sketchy, but apparently he wasn't too complimentary... hmmph. The One and Only Official Rosie Millard Appreciation Page (TOOORMAP) was hinted at in the text, so I'm told.
• Captain's Log, Millarddate: 20/11/98. A finely-crafted Millardarticle was spotted by my Exeter correspondent, in the Evening Standard magazine. The Millard was writing about her first-hand experiences of Sainsbury's experimental rickshaws, ahem, I mean, Pedicabs, and was apparently most embarrassed by the whole affair. RM: ``I tried to exchange weakly ironic smiles with passers-by, as if saying, `Ha ha! Just doing this for an article, of course!', but it was hopeless. I looked idiotic.'' Of course, she didn't really. Tim, the lucky Sainsbury's employee who got to ferry the Millard and her shopping home, must have felt very priviledged to have been selected for the honour. I, for one, would happily push the Millard's shopping home every week, for free, on the handlebars of my bike! <sigh>
• Timeline: 20/11/98. The Millard was spotted by Duncan Lynskey, doing a piece on BBC News 24 about the journalist Alistair Cooke, and apparently looking ravishing, as ever! DL writes: ``I pushed the record button on the video recorder and was rewarded when The Millard herself appeared on screen at the end to tie up the item. Once I had finished licking the screen, I pushed the stop button and now I am relating all this to you, the dust still clinging to my tongue...''
• On Sunday, 15th November, the Millard was ``spotted'' talking to Andrew Neill about English sparkling wines on his Radio 5 Live breakfast programme. RM quote: ``I don't know ... I just drink the stuff!''

The Campaign

Sadly, this campaign is now defunct, as the BBC *foolishly* made the silly *silly* decision to employ Jonathan Ross (of all people!) to do Rosie's job!

From the BBC's Radio 1 Newsbeat website:-

Barry Norman Leaves the BBC
05/06/98 14:26

Film '98 presenter Barry Norman is leaving the BBC after 26 years to join Sky Movies. With his conversational style and near catch-phrase "And why not?" broadcaster Norman has been Britain's best-loved and most recognised film critic for decades. He said of the move "The opportunities offered by Sky proved too attractive to turn down." BBC bosses have said they are now seeking a fresh young movie critic to front their programmes in the new millennium.

So... Barry Norman has sold his soul to the Devil (no, not Bill Gates, the other one!) and decided to do his film review stuff on satellite from now on ... and the big question is: whom are the BBC going to get to carry on the great Film '00 tradition?

In fact, within just hours of putting out this plea to the Internet community, I was literally inundated with one e-mail, from a certain Mr. sjb, who kindly donated the above gif and the banner at the top of the page, as symbols of our Glorious Struggle.

We, the people, respectively request of the BBC, nay we demand, that Dame Rosie of Millard henceforth, and forthwith, and with immediate effect, be appointed as the BBC's new weekly short-skirt-wearing film-review goddess!! All those in favour, yell ``AYE''. AYE!!!!!

Register your support for this campaign NOW, by... erm.... making a lot of noise on USENET, and... generally, being attention-seeking. And will someone please design one of those neat button thingies that all Millardites supporting the campaign can stick on their web-pages? I'm sure there must be... ooh, tens of people that want to get involved in this...! The BBC must come to realise that we Millardites will stop at nothing (requiring more than a certain degree of effort) to achieve more airtime for the object of our worship!

Should the author of this page be locked away for his own safety?