Disclaimer: Need I tell you that I don’t own Gundam Wing or Steve and Terry from the Crocodile Hunter? I didn’t think so.

“Oh isn’t she a beaut folks? Look at that lovely diamond pattern, hold on she’s a bit feisty today. Aren’t ya girl?” Steve holds up a small snake by its tail.

“Now I have to be real careful because even though she’s just a little thing, only two feet, (she’s still a young one) she’s highly venomness.” The snake wiggles and takes a few strikes at Steve, but he is just out of reach.

“Oh oh now calm down, you’re alright luv. Let me just get this stick here. Ow oh she got me. Oh this isn’t good, this little girl is one of the most venomness snakes in the world. She got me good too. Out here in the outback we’re really too far away from anyone to get the antivenom that we need. It looks like I’m a gonner. It’s not your fault girl, no it isn’t. I’m just gonna put you down now. You be on your way. Oh look at her go. She’s a quick little thing and soooo beautiful.” Steve watches the snake dart away into the bushes.

“Steve!” Terry runs to her soon-to-be-dead husband and grabs his shoulders.

“It’s okay Terry.” Steve stumbles and holds his head. “I’m just a little dizzy, it’s the venom kicking in. No need to worry folks.”

“Steve! Steve!” Terry begins crying as she hugs her husband tightly.

“Hey I think I saw a razorback in those reeds.” Steve points off to the bushes. The camera focuses in but there’s nothing there.

“Steve!” Terry screams as her husband falls to the ground. He’s convulsing and there’s a trail of spit falling from his mouth. Then he stops moving altogether and Terry falls to her knees sobbing. The camera is turned off out of respect for Steve the former Crocodile Hunter.

~~~~~~~~

“The Crocodile Hunter starring Wufei Chang, take one.”

Wufei is standing next to a dirty looking pond in the outback. “What exactly am I supposed to do?” He asks to someone off camera.

“Get the crocodile out of the water and hold it down, so you can determine it’s sex.”

Wufei snorts. “Not even a real challenge.” He takes off his shirt and jumps into the water. A lot of splashing ensues. A scaly tails thrashes in and out of the water briefly, then the pond calms.

Wufei emerges from the muddy water, dragging the unconscious crocodile behind him. “Okay now what?”

“You need to determine it’s sex.” The voice off camera says.

Wufei lifts his nose in disgust but flips the crocodile over anyway. “I don’t see anything.”

“You have to stick your finger in it’s hole.”

“What?!” Wufei looks at a hole centered between the crocodile’s hind legs. “I am not sticking my finger in there!” He turns his head and yells. “Woman! Woman come here!”

The camera pans to the right where a tall woman with blonde hair twisted on either side of her head is standing is a tan top and jeans. “I have a name.” She says refusing to look at Wufei.

“Fine. Sally come here.”

“’Sally come here.’ That isn’t very polite.” Sally looks at Wufei with a look of schooled patience.

Wufei sneers but says, “Sally please come here.”

Sally walks over to Wufei who is standing next to the unconscious crocodile. “What can I do for you Wufei?” She asks with a  smile.

“Stick your finger in the crock’s hole.” He says as he points to the aforementioned hole.

Sally’s jaw drops and she slaps Wufei on his cheek. “You pig!” She screams before she runs off.

“Stupid woman!” Wufei looks at the camera. “I’m not sticking my finger in there.” He says, then crosses his arms and closes his eyes, signaling the end of the discussion.

“But you signed a contract.” The voice off camera says.

“I don’t care. I will not do it.” Wufei stands firm. The camera is turned off.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“The Crocodile Hunter starring Trowa Barton, take one.”

Trowa is standing in the woods.

“Okay Mr. Barton, just start by reading from the cue cards.”

“…”

“What was that? Could you please speak up?”

“…”

“Did you hear anything?”  The man behind the camera asks someone. There’s a muted response. “Okay let’s leave the cards for last. Would you please climb that tree? There’s a family of orangutans we’d like to get some footage of.”

Trowa looks up at the tree.

“…” The orangutans begin climbing down the tree. One of them climbs into Trowa’s arms.

“Wow that’s amazing. Okay could you read from the cards again, and this time could you speak up.” Trowa nods.

“…”

“Did he say anything?” The man behind the camera asks.

“I think I saw his lips move.” Someone from far away shouts back.

“Maybe we can dub his voice in later.”

An image of Trowa with the orangutans continues for the next five minutes, but other than the ambient sounds of the forest, nothing is heard and the camera is eventually turned off.

~~~~~~~~

“The Crocodile Hunter starring Quatre Raberba Winner, take one.”

Quatre is standing on a beach. There are seagulls flying overhead.

“Okay Mr. Winner it’s time for the baby sea turtles to hatch and make their way from this beach into the ocean.”

“Really? How wonderful. Thank you so much for letting me be a part of this. I really love baby turtles.” Quatre has his hands clasped in front of him and is smiling and staring at the clouds.

“Uh yeah. Could you please read from the cue cards Mr. Winner.”

“Oh of course.” Quatre says as he looks back at the camera. “Today the eggs that the female sea turtle laid almost 4 months ago are going to hatch. The baby turtles will dig their way out of the sandy nest their mother left them in and crawl over this beach into the sea. Once they are in the sea their journey begins. They must withstand several predators on their way out to the deep ocean. When they are adults their hard shells will protect them from sharks and other deep ocean predators. But first they must cross this beach. It’s easier said than done. The seagulls above my head feed off these young reptiles. Their beaks are strong enough to break through the young turtle’s shells. Once their shells are cracked the seagulls will eat the meat.” Quatre begins to blink rapidly as tears are visible in his eyes.

“Only one in every two hundred  turtles makes it from this shore to the ocean.” By now Quatre was kneeling on the beach with tears streaming down his face. “I’m sorry I can’t go on. Those poor baby turtles.” He buried his face in his hands to hide his sobbing.

“It’s all a part of nature Mr. Winner.” The cameraman says.

“Nature is so cruel. Why must the poor baby turtles die? Can’t the seagulls see that all the baby turtles want is a peaceful life in the ocean?” Quatre looked up at the sky as though he was pleading with the seagulls. He has his hands over his heart as though it was hurting him.

“Okay this is getting us nowhere. Cut!” The camera goes dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“The Crocodile Hunter starring Duo Maxwell, take one.”

Duo is standing on a boat in a scuba suit. “Alright I’m all suited up, so get your cameras ready.” Duo stands near the edge and is about to dive into the water.

“Hey wait, you can’t just dive in. Those are great whites. They’ll rip you shreds.” The cameraman yells.

“Well I thought you wanted footage of me swimming with them.” Duo looks annoyed.

“We do. You’ll be swimming in the cage over there.” The camera zooms in on a metal square that is apparent just above the water. “Now get in the cage and Hilde will throw some dead dish in the water to attract the sharks.”

“Yeah okay,” Duo says. His disappointment is evident.

“Hilde babe, ya ready.” Duo asks once he’s in the cage.

“Eww these fish are so gross. They’re all bloody and smelly. How’d I ever let you talk me into this Duo?” Hilde says as she pulls out a dead fish that has been cut into several pieces.

“Come on babe, you’re gonna be on TV.” Duo smiles and then puts on his snorkel. Hilde throws the fish into the water and within a few minutes shark fins are visible.

The underwater camera catches Duo pointing at the sharks and then giving a thumbs up. A dead fish hits close to the cage and a shark bites the cage. Duo jumps back a little and then holds his stomach and points, laughing at the shark.  He slaps at the cage and puts his thumbs  in his ears and wiggles his fingers. He sticks his tongue out at the sharks and one of them bites the cage in front of him. The other bites the side of his cage where his braid has floated through the bars. Duo jumps out of the cage onto the boat screaming.

“My hair, it ate my hair! Shinigami will have his revenge!” Duo grabs a harpoon and lines the shark up.

“Stop those sharks are an endangered species! We are here to observe them. We aren’t supposed to hurt them!” The cameraman yells.

“I am the Great Destroyer and I will not let some oversized fish eat my hair!” Duo screams as he fires the harpoon. He snags the shark and begins to reel him in.

“Hilde get me a knife. A big one.” Duo shouts and he hauls the shark on board. It isn’t quite dead and snaps at him a few times, but can’t maneuver now that it is out of the water.

“Here you go Duo.” Hilde hands Duo the knife and he cuts the shark’s belly open. He reaches in and pulls out his braid with a triumphant smile.

“I guess we’re having Barbeque tonight babe.” He says as he hugs Hilde.

“Duo, get your hands off of me, you’re covered in shark guts!” Hilde screams and slaps him up side his head.

“My God can we be sued for this?” A voice in the distance asks.

“I don’t know, but I think we should destroy that tape.” The cameraman answers and then turns off the camera.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 “The Crocodile Hunter starring Heero Yuy, take one.”

Heero is standing next to a chain link fence in a dry field.

“Okay Mr. Yuy, just start by reading the cue cards.”

Heero stares expressionlessly at the camera.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

Heero continues to stare expressionlessly at the camera.

“Is there some kind of problem?” The cameraman asks.

“Allow me. I think I can help.” The camera pans over to Relena who is dressed in a tan shirt and matching shorts. She walks over to Heero and says, “Heero reading the cue cards is necessary in completing your mission.”

Heero nods at her and begins to read. “I’m standing here in front of the dingo fence. Dingoes are a feral species here in Australia. That means they are an introduced species. The fence covers Australia from the Northern outback to the southern cliffs. It literally cuts the nation in half. It was created to keep dingoes from attacking livestock. You can see here a dead rabbit strung on the fence. It was placed here to attract dingoes. The fence actually goes underground and can trap the dingoes. They get caught and can’t get out, starving to death. It is a cruel fate and efforts to find more humane traps are underway but the fence has been up for nearly fifty years and will probably not be torn down any time soon.”

Heero’s voice hadn’t changed throughout the speech. His lack of inflection had almost mulled the cameraman to sleep. “Ahh that’s great Mr. Yuy. Now there’s a rabbit caught in the fence over there.” He points to a bit of wriggling fuzz.  “Could you disentangle it and then hand it over to Relena please?”

Heero nods and does as he is told. Once he hands the rabbit over to Relena, she begins to stroke the bunny and make soft cooing sounds at it. “Are you a scared bunny? Well don’t be scared I’m going to take good care of you. Yes I am, because you are such a cute bunny. You’re a very, very cute bunny. Yes you are.”

Relena holds the bunny up to her face and begins to rub her nose against its nose.

 “Okay Mr. Yuy, we have some lizards in the area that we need to get some footage of. There is one sunning itself on that rock. Could you capture it and hold it up to the camera for us?” Heero nods and does as he was asked.

 “Great now read from the cue cards again.”

“This lizard is about 3 inches long. Like all reptiles it is cold blooded therefore it has to sit in the sun in order to warm itself up. It feeds off of ants and other small incests and as you can see it’s coloration matches the rocks perfectly. Therefore it is completely camouflaged lying out here in the open.” When Heero finished he noticed that the cameraman had fallen asleep.

Heero sits on the rock and waits. Relena comes over and sits on the rock beside Heero. She lays her head on his shoulder and falls asleep. Heero takes the bunny from Relena and begins to stroke its back.

“Oh sorry, guess I dozed off there.” The cameraman says as he wakes up. Heero gives the bunny back to Relena and squeezes her shoulder waking her up.

“Oh I did too. So what’s next?” Relena asks as she stands up.

“You need to catch a razorback, they’re like pigs but they are black and have bristly hair running down their backs. The males have sharp curved teeth. Do you think you can do it?” He asks.

Heero nods. After some time we see Relena in the distance running around in circles and screaming, “Here it comes Heero, get ready!” All of a sudden Heero jumps out of a bush and loud squealing is heard.

“You got it Heero! Relena says as bounces up and down happily. The cameraman runs towards the pair. Between his hand held jogging and Relena’s bouncing, it seemed as though the young woman is on a trampoline.

Once the camera is finally set up, Heero is in the middle of the picture holding a black pig down. He is staring into the camera emotionlessly. It doesn’t look as though the he is sweating or even breathing hard. He begins to read from the cue cards.

After the pig is released, everyone takes a break.

“I think this pair may work out. The guy could definitely use some work. He is so stiff in front of the camera but, he can handle the physical stuff and he’s not squeamish. The girl provides compassion and love for the animals, plus she’s cute.” The cameraman says to someone off camera.

“I agree, they’re not perfect, but they are the best we’ve had so far. Let’s go tell them they’ve got the job.” The camera makes a 180 but doesn’t pick up either Relena or Heero.

“Where are they?”

“I don’t know. I think the girl put the rabbit in the pickup truck. Maybe they’re checking on it.”

The scene is a little bumpy as the pair walks towards the truck, which comes into view quickly enough. When the truck is just a few feet away it is obvious that the windows are steamed up. It is also rocking slightly and a moan is heard.

“Ohh Relena.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t disturb them.” The voice of the cameraman says.

“Are you kidding? It’s all part of nature. Man is just another animal.” The other voice has a chuckle in it.

A closed hand appears near the window. Before the man can knock another moan is heard.

“Relena if you stop now, I’ll kill you.”

“This should be good.” The closed fist knocks on the window. No sound is heard, but the truck stops rocking.

“Mr. Yuy, Miss Peacecraft are you in there? I have some good news for you two. We’ve decided to give you the job. What do you think of that?”

Two shots are heard and the scene changes quickly. It is obvious the camera is lying on the ground. A bloody hand falls in front of the camera.

“Damn it Heero. We really could’ve used that job.” Relena’s voice comes from somewhere off camera.

“What did I just say about stopping?”

~finis~

Author’s notes: Well I tried to be as accurate as I could, but I can’t remember the specifics like one in how many sea turtles make it out to sea. Anyway I hope it wasn’t too bad. I love the Crocodile Hunter, if you haven’t seen it you’re really missing out. That guy’s insane!

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