Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is owned by Bandai and Sunrise. Star trek was created by Gene Roddenbery, I think Paramount owns it.

Deep Space Noin
Episode 5: Pity me

Duo walked out of the sick bay feeling rather ill and it had nothing to do with his pregnancy. He wasn't one of Relena's best friends, but they got along and she and Quatre were close, which made her a friend by default. He knew all about her infatuation with Heero, and even though he didn't understand why a good looking girl like that was chasing after a icecube like Heero Yuy, when there were plenty of good looking and normal guys like himself running around, he still thought it was pretty crappy of Dorothy to sleep with Heero. No, if she had slept with him that would have been bad, but surmountable, she had gotten herself pregnant. She had planned it. She made no bones about it. Duo just shook his head. Maybe Wufei had the right idea. Avoid all the love and heartache and just marry the girl your mom trained for you.

'What am I nuts!' Duo thought as he reached his quarters. It really was a bad day when he started agreeing with a vulcan.

"SURPRISE!"

Duo managed not to scream like a girl when his door slid open and about twenty people jumped out at him. There were balloons and streamers and presents and food! Duo's face practically split in half, he was smiling so hard.

"What's going on?"

"It's a baby shower. Not that the great Duo Maxwell needs a reason to party." Quatre said as he stood in the middle of the smiling crowd.

"Awww Quatre, you're the best. Thanks man." Duo slapped him on the back and carefully sat down on the couch. "So what's first, food or presents?"

"It's your party."

"Hey good point. So where's the cake?" Duo asked.

The crowd parted allowing Catherine and Relena to walk through and set a huge 24" X 38" cake down in front of Duo. It had six storks carrying six babies on top and was covered in candy pacifiers. Duo's eyes glittered like gems and he had to keep his hands clasped together in front of him to keep from tearing into the cake.

"I hope you like it. It's vanilla with strawberry icing." Catherine said as she cut into it.

"Oh I know I'll love it. You make the best cakes Cathy. You're a real artist you know that?"

"Well thank you Duo. Do you want a scoop of ice cream with that?" Duo nodded, but there was no need. Relena had already placed a scoop of ice cream on his plate.
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"I don't understand why you are bothered by this?" Trowa told Heero as they finished tightening the bolts that had come loose in the Jefferies tubes.

"Nor do I. Emotions are quite confusing, and distracting. I should have done more research before elicting emotional responses from the female members of the crew. There is the possibility that I may be held responsible for Dorothy's current physical state."

"You mean the pregnancy."

"Yes. It seems that many cultures require some sort of parental involvement by the father. I was not made aware that I would be required to provide any type of nurturing to Dorothy's future offspring. Such a thought is quite disturbing."

"I agree. Considering the consequences, it would seem illogical for any man to want to assist any woman in the mating ritual."

"True, however I don't think that logic is employed. From my research and from personal experience, I have found that lust is critical to most species procreation."

"Is lust really powerful enough to overcome logic and good sense?"

"I believe so. Having experienced the phenomena myself, I must admit that I find my mind wandering down unacceptable paths at inappropriate times." Heero frowned slightly.

"Unacceptable paths? You mean recollections of sex?"

"Not just recollections, but I also think about sex with other female crewmembers. I tend to embellish the experience as well. My research calls this mental degradation, fantasizing."

"I have heard of fantasizing. Officer Chang once said that this ship would run 2.43 times more efficiently if the crewmembers would stop fantasizing and concentrate on their jobs more."

"I am sure he is correct. I find the experience pleasant yet distracting and an annoyance."

"I don't believe Officer Chang fantasizes. Perhaps he can help you overcome this new affliction."

"Perhaps, I will seek his advice."
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"Well captain, I must say it is a bit of a surprise to find you here. I didn't think I'd find you fraternizing with the crew." Noin said as she refilled her glass of punch.

"A rare indulgence. It has been two weeks since Duo left active duty and as amazing as it sounds, I actually miss the young man. The bridge definitely hasn't been as lively since his departure."

"That is a surprise. I recall you saying that you were looking forward to a little peace and quiet for a change." The cheif engineer smiled at Zechs over her glass.

"Well what's that saying about being careful what you wish for?" Zechs drained his glass of punch and began his assault on the basket of chips at the end of the table.

"So are you saying that you wish things would get a little noisy around here?" Zechs looked at Noin who had a hint of mischief in her eyes.

"That's not exactly what I'm saying." Zechs smiled at Noin and offered her the dip.

"Well then what are you saying?"

"I guess I wouldn't mind a little noise as long as it was contained."

"Contained?" Noin licked the dip off of her fingers.

"That's right."

"Where would we contain it?" She asked in a hushed voice.

"My quarters." Zechs whispered the words and Noin nodded her approval. The two left the party unnoticed.
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"Well that's the last one. That's for all the gifts and the party, everything was great." Duo said from beneath a pile of discarded wrapping paper.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it Duo and you know that we are all going to help you once those kids of yours are born." Quatre said.

"That's right, Ilya and I can babysit on Fridays."

"And I can help you feed them at night."

"I want to babysit too."

"I'm working on a playground for the holodeck. It'll have a slide, six swings and a sandbox."

"I heard the captain's going to convert one of the empty quarters into a classroom."

"I think we should set up puppy hologram. So they can have something to play with."

"Forget that we should set up a nanny hologram."

"Hey where'd the captain go?"

"Maybe we can just reprogram Sally Po."

Duo was overcome by all his friends' promises to help. "Are you guys serious? You all are the best. How'd a schmuck like me get so lucky?"
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"I am one lucky man." Zechs tightened his hold on Noin.

"Yes you are." She agreed as she drew a circle on his bare chest.

"It's no wonder you're the chief engineer. You sure got my engine purring." He said as he kissed her temple.

"Oh Zechs, you're such a schmuck sometimes." She slapped his chest playfully.

"What's a schmuck?"

"Nevermind."

"I don't want go back to work." He sighed.

"That's comforting, coming from the captain of the ship." She said as she wiggled her finger at him.

"You know what I mean."

"Well I'm sorry, but we do have to talk trade." She sighed.

"Is something the matter?" Zechs immediately went into leader mode.

"We've detected an unusual amount of ionized hydrogen near the ship recently."

"So?"

"So I don't think we're alone."

After a lengthy pause he replied. "That's a pretty major assumption to make. Do you have any other evidence to support such an idea?"

"Yes when I brought the discovery up to Wufei, he did some checking and found several encrypted transmissions coming from the ship."

Zechs bolted up in bed. "What? Why wasn't I told of this sooner?"

"We were going to tell you after the party." Zechs didn't answer. He got out of bed and began dressing.
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"Thanks for helping, Relena."

"Oh don't mention it. It's not much of a party, if the man of honor has to clean up afterwards." She said as she cleared the table.

"I guess not. I know Quatre wanted to help, but he's pulling double shifts right now."

"Catherine wanted to help too, but it's almost dinnertime and she does have a whole crew to cook for."

"Yeah poor Catherine. I guess it would be pretty ugly if the crew didn't get their dinner." Duo laughed at the mental image of the crew chasing Catherine around the mess hall.

"Yeah and poor Quatre. He really is working his tail off."

"Yeah."

"Yeah." Both Relena and Duo sighed. Duo looked at Relena and felt like he had to say something.

"Look Relena, I heard about what happened with Dorothy and Heero and I just want you to know that I think it sucks. Dorothy's a real creep to do that to you. And Heero, well he was a Borg! You shouldn't waste your time with him. You deserve better." He hadn't planned on saying all that, and especially not with such venom. Relena looked a little shocked.

"Oh well thank you Duo, but I'm okay. I was really upset at first, but you're right. Heero was a Borg and he still acts like one most of the time. There really wasn't anything going on between us. As for Dorothy, I don't know what she was thinking, but you know Heero won't help her with the baby. She's going to regret choosing him, when she's a single mother." Relena looked at the stricken look on Duo's face and immediately realized her mistake. "Oh Duo, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I..."

"It's okay Relena. I don't have any illusions about what's coming my way. I know everyone says they're going to help, but no one offered to help change dirty diapers or take the kids to the sick bay when they're puking their guts out. I'm on my own for all that stuff. And there's six of them. SIX! They say the average baby goes through 5-8 diapers a day. That's 30-48 diapers a day that I'm gonna have to change! And how am I gonna get them all to go to sleep at the same time? I'm never gonna sleep again!" He exclaimed throwing his hands int he air.

"Oh Duo, that's not true. We'll help. I'll help." Relena said as she gestured at the now long-gone party-goers and finally at herself.

"What are you going to, play nanny for the fun of it? I don't think so. I'm sure at first everyone'll be more than happy to help, but after a week or two the cuteness factor will wear off and I'll be on my own." Duo collapsed on the couch and buried his face in his hands.

Relena laid a hand on his shoulder, but he didn't look up, instead he spoke to her through his hands. "You know I recieved a couple offers from people looking to adopt a kid. like Ilya and Carl. At first I was like 'No way, I can't split them up, they belong together.' But now, I think about actually raising them and I know that I am just one person. I can't possibly do a good enough job on my own. It's so much work and I still have to go back to piloting the ship. I don't want them to miss out, because I don't have the time or energy to be there for them."

"Oh Duo, I know that you'll be a great father. I don't think anyone would think badly if you gave away some of the children for adoption. Carl and Ilya are nice people. They'd do a good job of raising the baby and we are all stuck on the same ship. They'd all be in the same classes together and they'd play together. No one expects you to be superman." Duo lifted his head and looked at her.

"Really Relena? You don't think they'd resent me, if I did something like that?"

"No, not at all." She replied with a soft smile.

"Thanks Relena. I want you to know that if I wasn't pregnant. I would beat the hell out of Heero for you." Relena couldn't help laughing a little at this.

"Well thank you Duo, but I don't want to see Heero beaten to a pulp. Dorothy maybe, but Heero is like a child when it comes to dealing with relationships. I know that Dorothy manipulated him."

"I don't know about that Relena. I mean he may be a Borg, but Heero is still a man and I don't know a lot of guys who will turn down sex. It just goes against nature." Duo said as he looked her in the eye, she turned away from his violet gaze.

"Yes, but Heero seems to go against nature too. I don't know, I just don't want to think about it right now. It's their mess, not mine. I want to keep it that way." Relena stood up and looked down at Duo. "And speaking of messes, we'd better get back to work."

"Yeah okay. Help me?" Duo asked as he lifted his hands up. It took all of Relena's strength to get him off the couch. He really was huge.