AN: This was inspired by a scene in Oracle of Delphi's fic Love, Life and Relationships, or something like that. Sorry it I screwed it up. Anyway it's on FFN and pretty good, so check it out if you can.
Disclaimer: Stosu and Sunrise own GW and I am just borrowing them. I personally think that series had so much room for humor that was untapped, but I'm doing what I can.
Queen Relena's Throne
by Polka Dot
Relena sniffed the bouquet of flowers and sighed. She imagined that they were from Heero, but she knew that wasn't the case. Still most ordinary citizens who sent her gifts, sent them to her home, not her office. This was a very pleasant surprise. They were unique too. Well the flowers weren't. They were just simple white carnations, but the vase was very unique. It had a large black base and then it faded to gray going up to the top, which was a frosted white. It was extremely heavy too. Relena pushed the vase to the edge of her desk and opened up the folder her secretary handed her on the way in. She squirmed a little in her chair as the pain in her stomach hit her sharply. She frowned. She loved Noin's cooking, but the woman definitely needed to cut down on the grease. Relena closed the folder and preceded to the bathroom, making sure to turn on the exhaust fan on her way in.
Relena turned the page of her magazine and sighed. She sat comfortably reading an article on the new spring fashions and gathered some toilet paper in her hand. She held it over her mouth and nose to make breathing a little less unpleasant. Suddenly the bathroom door exploded off its hinges and smoke furled into the room. Relena pushed the door off of herself and it clattered to the ground. Dust rested everywhere and she could see her office was in ruins. There were holes in the scorched drywall where the insulation peaked out. Her desk was in a hundred pieces and burning papers floated to the ground. Glass from her shattered window glittered on the floor.
"Miss Relena!" Her secretary called to her from her office door which was slowly being pushed open. Relena quickly reached down and grabbed the waistband of her pants trying to cover herself as quickly as possible. Unfortunately she wasn't fast enough as her secretary and several security guards rushed into the room. Relena quickly turned her back to them and continued to pull up her pants, unwittingly mooning the entire rescue crew. When she stood back up she pushed her hair off her shoulders and dusted the front of jacket before turning to them. She squared her shoulders and walked into her destroyed office with head held high.
"I'm fine Miss Jones. I thank you all for your concern and quick response. This was quite an unpleasant surprise, wasn't it?" Relena said trying to overcome her embarrassment and lighten the tension in room.
"Yes it was." Miss Jones replied.
"Yeah and so's this." One of the guards said from behind Relena. The next thing she heard was a toilet flushing. Relena's head whipped around and her face burned with shame as she saw the guard standing in the bathroom laughing heartily. She looked around the room and a couple of the other guards were unsuccessfully holding in their laughter.
Relena had a great urge to run from the room, but she stood her ground and gave the guard a sharp look."Well I'm glad my near assassination has managed to amuse you in some way! Now if you're finished inspecting the bathroom, you may want to move your investigation back to the office, where the actual explosion took place!"
"Miss Dorlain's right. There's nothing amusing about the lax security around here that nearly cost her her life."
Relena's shoulders sagged slightly, but she quickly righted them. 'Oh please God not him, not now.' She closed her eyes as she turned around, praying that her ears had deceived her and that he wouldn't be standing in the doorway right now. 'Please God I'll do anything, just don't let it be him.' She opened her eyes and smiled politely. "Hello Heero." 'Damn.'
"Relena you should go to the hospital to make sure that you're okay."
"I'm fine Heero. I was...in the other room when the explosion occurred." Relena said, her voice betrayed nothing, but her cheeks burned.
"So we gathered, but you know he's gonna make you go anyway so why fight it?" Duo poked his head over Heero's shoulder. A huge, humor-filled smile on his face. "We'll take care of things here."
Relena sighed. "I suppose you're right. Heero you know where I keep my classified files?" He nodded. "Please make sure that they are secure."
"Don't worry Relena." He stepped out of the doorway to let her through. Sally was standing with Wufei in the waiting room.
"Relena I'll accompany you to the hospital. Just wait here for a moment please. I need to speak to Heero."
"Alright." Relena sat down on the couch near where Wufei was leaning against the wall.
Sally walked into the bombed out office. "Heero a guard with security's front desk says that Relena received flowers from an anonymous admirer this morning. The bomb may have been disguised that way."
Heero nodded and pointed down at a couple of flower petals on the floor near his feet. "It's likely that the mechanism has been completely destroyed, but we'll try to recover..."
"What? This didn't happen because I am a weak woman, you jackass!" Sally ran back into the waiting room. "Human beings use the bathroom all the time!"
"Yes but you women seem to live in them."
"Wufei!" Sally yelled at her partner who was smirking at Relena, who wasn't looking like much of a pacifist right now. Her hands were in fists at her sides and she was shaking all over. "Why don't you go help Heero? I'll take Relena to the hospital now." She grabbed Relena's elbow and led her out of the room, feeling her own anger rising. "I am so sorry Relena. I don't know what he said to you, but I'm sure it was entirely inappropriate and I apologize."
"Well you shouldn't apologize, it's not your falut Sally. Honestly I feel quite sorry for you. How can you put up with that arrogant jerk day after day?" Relena asked. She was still fuming.
"Well, I guess I've just learned to tune him out. How are you feeling, seriously? Does it hurt anywhere?" Sally looked her over and noticed a few scratches and red patches that could be burns or bruises.
"Does my pride count?"
"Absolutely, but I don't think the doctor will be able to prescribe anything to help. I know it's humiliating, but if you weren't in the bathroom, you'd be dead right now Relena. You should be thankful." Sally smiled at her reassuringly.
"I suppose."
"Well I'm thankful and I'm sure Heero, Duo and even Wufei are as well. Perhaps God gave you...that urge to keep you alive."
Relena raised her eyebrow at that. "If I were to believe that, then I'll have to accept that Duo really is the God of Death."
"That insane huh?"
"Yup."
"Forget I said anything."
"Done."
After a quick examinateion by the doctor, Relena and Sally returned to Port city's regional government offices, to see if the boys' investigation had yielded any results. Relena stepped into the lobby of the building and was immediately surrounded by reporters.
"Miss Dorlian, are you okay?"
"Was this a terrorist attack?"
"Who planted the bomb Miss Dorlain?"
"Is it true that you escaped injury because you were in the john?"
"How does it feel to know that someone is trying to kill you?"
"Were there any casualties?"
"What were you doing in the bathroom Miss Dorlain?"
Relena froze, unsure if she should try to get to the elevator or leave the building altogether. Fortunately she felt someone grab her elbow and gently guide her through the crowd. Looking up she couldn't see her guide's face, but the shock of light brown hair cascading down to his chin gave him away.
"Thank you Trowa."
"I'm surprised you came."
"The circus is camped nearby. Will you be giving a press conference soon Relena? Those reporters have been here all day."
"I don't think so Trowa. I am sure they are bright enough to figure out what I was doing in the bathroom on their own."
Trowa nodded. "Heero wasn't too happy about that leak to the press. I'm sure whoever did it, will regret that decision soon enough."
Relena, and Sally walked out onto her office floor and were immediately impressed by the security they found their. It was obvious that Heero was in charge. Everything was well organized. The floor had been partitioned off into sections and everyone looked very engrossed in whatever jobs they were doing at the time. Trowa led Relena to Heero, who was in her office looking over some debris.
"You okay?"
"Yes Heero. How's it going?"
"We are fairly certain that the bomb was encased in the base of the vase that you received this morning. We found melted glass that had a wire in it, confirming this. Also we believe that this wasn't the act of a terrorist group as I originally suspected. The bomb is rather crude. If it was a professional job, I don't think we would've found any evidence of the bomb. I'm going to send you home with Duo. He should be able to keep you safe until you get back to Zechs."
Relena left the room once it was obvious that Heero wasn't going to pay any more attention to her. She found Duo waiting for her by the elevator.
They rode down to the second floor where they left to take the stairs down to the garage. They ran into a few less reporters there. Relena breathed a huge sigh of relief when she climbed into the limo with Duo.
"So Duo aren't you going to say anything? You're unusually quiet."
"What do you mean Relena?"
"Oh come on. I'm sure you're dying to call me something stupid like Princess Pee Pee or the Poo Poo Princess."
Duo held his hands over his heart. "Really Relena, you think that I'd make fun of you at a time like this? I'm hurt you think so little of me." Duo's bottom lip stuck out and he gave her his sad eyes.
She wasn't fooled. "Oh really, you don't find anything amusing about the situation?"
"Not at all. In fact I'm going to give Noin a big hug when I see her. Her greasy eggs saved your life."
Relena frowned. "How did you...?"
"When Hilde was having difficulty with the pregnancy, Noin came over and helped out for a few days. She did the cleaning and the cooking and well let's just say I spent most of that week catching up on my reading while I was giving the plumbing in our house a workout. God do I pity Zechs. The man must spend most of his life on the pot."
Relena giggled. "I've often wondered how Zechs can stomach it all. I'm quite thankful that my job requires me to eat out a lot."
Duo broke out into a big smile. "You know even her mashed potatoes were greasy. God just watching that woman cook gives me gas."
Relena laughed but then threw her hand over her mouth. "Oh stop it Duo, I'm not going to be able to get through dinner tonight if you keep it up."
"You mean you've got to eat her cooking for dinner too? Relena you should go out. You shouldn't put yourself through so much pain in one day."
"Duo!"
"Well at least if there's another assassination attempt, I'll know where to look for you."
Relena's mouth dropped open. "I think I'd rather die than have to go through that again."
Duo smiled wickedly. "You mean you're not looking forward to tomorrow's headline: Princess Pee Pee goes Poo Poo on the Potty when her Precious Vase goes POW!"
Relena reached over and whacked Duo on the knee. "Duo you promised you wouldn't!"
"I'm sorry Relena. I'll be good from now on." He smiled and winked at her as Peygan drove up to the house. Relena got out of the car and was immediately embraced by Noin.
"Good news Relena. Heero just called and said that they caught the guy who sent you that vase." Zechs stood behind her and smiled.
"Wow so soon?"
Zechs nodded. "Yeah a guard with security's front desk gave a description of the man who delivered the flowers and they were able to get a police sketch matched up with a known stalker of yours. I think they've already picked him up."
Relena let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "That's certainly reassuring. I wonder if I should go back to work."
"No it's too late now and I've already started cooking dinner. I'm preparing steak with mashed potatoes and peas. Duo you're welcome to stay and eat here if you like. There's plenty of food." Noin said.
Duo smiled and dived back into the car. "Sorry Noin I think it's my anniversary or something." He shut the door and turned to Peygan. "DRIVE!!"