Chapter 12 – Going
Home
Journal entry
Dr. Baxter was unhappy to say the least about my taking
Brian back to
I’m hoping this journal will help me keep things straight in my head. I don’t trust the ‘keeper’ personality, but he does seem to have more insight into Brian’s psyche than the doctor does. There is something eerie about him. I got the impression that he’s not telling the whole truth, but he is right about taking Brian home. I’m hoping that once we get back to the loft things will move forward. I know I got too comfortable with Brian as Paul. Maybe he felt that way too which might be a big part of the reason Brian never let on. Maybe Brian was just comfortable with someone else being in control and taking care of things. That sure as hell doesn’t sound like the Brian I know. Unfortunately, I’ve come to the harsh reality that I really don’t know Brian Kinney at all. Actually, none of us do.
What I do know is Brian has been severely damaged by the tragic events in his childhood. How he ever made it this far with the degree of success he has had is a true testament to how strong he really is.
He’s pretending not to watch me write in my journal, but I can feel his eyes on me. So far the trip has been uneventful. He’s still clutching that damn box as if it holds the fucking holy grail. I’m sure it has something to do with that key. Why else would young Brian refer to his imaginary friend as the ‘keeper of the key?’
I started calling him Brian and so far he hasn’t refuted it. He just stays close, keeps his eyes down and asks for things in whispers. It has caused a few stares, but then people are always staring at Brian. I haven’t told anyone we’re coming home. No way do I want this to turn into a family reunion. I’m hoping to get at least a few days at the loft before Deb shows up with her miracle cure of tuna casserole and advice.
Questions to find answers to:
Of what significance is the older Paul’s personality?
Has there ever truly been a young Paul or was Brian pretending the whole time, and if so why?
Was Brian pretending to be the older Paul as well, and if so why?
Is there any connection to the Paul personalities and the keeper?
Where the hell is Brian and why is the younger Brian here?
Why is Brian letting me be in control of what happens to him?
What is the significance of the hospital arm band when Brian was 10?
What does the damn key open?
“We will be landing in
The stewardess’ voice over the intercom brought Justin out of his thoughts. He looked at Brian to make sure his seatbelt was secure. He found that it was and Brian was staring out the window tensing a little as the wing flaps hummed loudly making their transition for landing.
Brian hadn’t seemed to be in much of a mood for communicating since the departure of the keeper so Justin let him be.
“Jack’s gonna be really mad. I’ve been gone a long time.” Brian said quietly.
“Brian, Jacks is…” Justin stopped himself. He decided quickly that it probably wasn’t the best idea to tell him his dad died three years ago.
Brian looked at Justin his eyes wide waiting for him to finish.
“Your mom and dad said it was okay for you to stay with me for awhile.” Justin wasn’t good at lying and hoped that this version of Brian couldn’t see through him.
Brian nodded accepting without question that it was okay for him to stay with Justin.
Heck, if it was okay
with his folks and okay with Justin he wasn’t going to jinx it by asking
why. He liked being with Justin and he
said he liked being with him too. It was
strange having someone to look after him.
Justin did everything he made sure he had food to eat,
bought him new clothes and cleaned them.
When his ears hurt Justin was there to try and make him feel
better. No one had ever done that before
except ....
Family
Services
“I really appreciate your talking with me Mrs. Wilson.” Carl said as he followed the middle-aged woman through the maze of cubicles.
“Like I told you on the phone detective, I don’t know how much help I can be to you. That poor kid’s been dead for over twenty years.”
The woman motioned for Carl to take a seat as they entered her cubical.
“I know it’s been a long time, but anything you can remember about the case would help.” Carl smiled trying to look charming and not like a detective on a case.
Mrs. Wilson sat behind her desk and opened up an old file folder.
“All I can really tell you is that Paul Smith was in the custody of Harvey and Myrtle Johnson at the time of his death. They were not found negligent in the case.”
“I would like to read his file.”
“Detective….”
“Please call me Carl.”
“Mr. Horvath you know I can’t give it to you without a warrant. I’m too close to retirement to make that big of a mistake now. If you are reopening the case and have a warrant I will hand over this file, but without one I can’t.”
“In all honesty it’s not about Paul Smith it’s about Brian Kinney the kid who found him. He’s…he’s having some psychological difficulties. I’m trying to find out as much of the reality of what happened so Brian’s doctor can help him.” Carl hoped he sounded as sincere as he felt.
The woman sat back in her chair taking a few minutes to think.
“I remember that kid. He was there when I arrived on the scene. He was pacing back and forth next to the fence that separated the sidewalk from the construction site. He was mumbling to himself it sounded like he was blaming himself for what happened to Paul Christ…” The woman shook her head. “He was a mess and he was being ignored by everyone. I went over to talk to him to see if I could offer any comfort, but he just ran off.”
“Mrs. Wilson do you think what happened to Paul was an accident?”
“That’s was the result of the investigation.”
“I know, but do ‘you’ believe it was an accident?”
“I’m not sure what you’re getting at detective.” Mrs. Wilson stated coldly.
“Come on you’ve been working with these kids for what 30 years. You’ve never seen a kid in the system get murdered by the very people who are suppose to be looking out for them?”
“That’s an unfortunate part of this job. Foster parents misrepresent themselves for the money…it happens. But not to this kid, I know the Johnson’s very well. They loved Paul very much and wanted to adopt him.”
“According to Brian…. his… recollection is that Paul was abused by Mr. Johnson.”
“That’s an absolute lie.
“Could you tell me a little bit about Paul’s… personality? Like was he quiet or outgoing…”
“Paul was a very polite kid. He was quiet until he got comfortable with you then he could talk a blue streak. He was a really sweet kid and it broke my heart when he died so tragically, especially after finally being given a chance at permanent home.” The woman’s voice broke a little.
“Were his parents ever found?”
“Found? Paul’s parents died in an auto accident when he was two years-old. They had been out celebrating their fifth anniversary and were hit by a drunk driver. Paul was at a sitter’s. Both sets of grand parents were deceased and no siblings. We tried to get other relatives to take him, but they wouldn’t so he became a ward of the state.”
“I’m confused the papers stated that Paul had been abandoned.”
“An over zealous reporter didn’t get his damn facts straight. I had them print a retraction the next day, of course that didn’t make the front page. If you looked at the police report you should see it noted Paul’s parents as deceased.”
“I guess I missed that. In Brian’s mind Paul was abandoned by his parents and abused by his foster father.”
“Detective… Carl, I think you are looking in the wrong direction here. It’s not Paul who was being abused but… off the record.” Mrs. Wilson lowered her voice and leaned in closer to Carl. “I had my suspicions about that kid. I mean Brian Kinney. I’d seen a lot of abused kids even by the time of Paul’s accident and I can tell you that it was Brian who was being abused not Paul.”
“According to those close to him it’s been established that Brian’s father was an abusive drunk…”
“In my professional opinion Brian suffered from more than just being slapped around by an alcoholic father.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean whatever abuse that kid was suffering was as much psychological and emotional as it was physical.”
“Can you put that in layman’s terms?”
“Somebody was severely fucking with that kid’s head. I’m not sure his father was devious enough for that. Maybe his mother, but whoever it was they were deliberately manipulating him. What I witnessed from Brian that day was a kid who was deeply disturbed emotionally.”
“If you knew that why didn’t you…”
“Do something? There was no reasonable cause to interfere. A kid has to ask for help or we have to be called in by medical authorities before we can enter the picture. There was nothing I could do.”
“He was in school shouldn’t one of his teachers…”
“Mr. Horvath that was over twenty years ago. Teachers just didn’t get that involved in their student’s family affairs, not like today.”
Carl sighed, he knew how the system worked back then and even now with more safeguards in place kids still got abused and worse.
At
the loft…
Brian was amazed at the openness of Justin’s place. The best part was that he had one entire wall of huge windows. There was so much light in the place, no walls or doors except for the big heavy door that secured the entryway. He wondered if Justin felt the same way he did about walls and doors.
“Are you hungry?” Justin asked from the kitchen.
“Kind of I guess.” Brian replied as he went from window to window as if each one might reveal a different view of the neighborhood.
Justin looked into the fridge out of habit knowing there would be nothing edible inside. Stocking up at the Shop & Save would be a good idea, but what to do with Brian. If he brought him along someone would recognize him. That would be bad. He could leave him here. That didn’t sound like a good option either. Justin mentally checked off his options. Then he remembered that the T&J market down the street still delivered groceries.
“Brian, I’m going to make a list of things to have delivered here. Is there anything you want?” Justin asked as he grabbed a tablet of notepaper and pencil from the desk and sat down. Brian was still too mesmerized to even hear Justin’s question.
“Brian?”
“Huh?” Brian turned around and stared perplexed at Justin.
“Do you want anything from the grocery store?” Justin repeated.
“Umm what ever you get is fine.”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t like something special?”
“I don’t need anything.”
“I didn’t ask if you needed anything. I asked if you wanted anything. Like maybe your favorite cookies, or cereal, how about some ice cream?”
“No.” Brian threw out still distracted by the windows.
“No what?” Justin asked pointedly. “Please pay attention. Do you want anything from the grocery store?” Justin tried to keep the edge out of his voice, but he was tired and felt as if the world was sitting on his shoulders, Brian’s world to be exact.
“No I don’t want anything.” Brian raised his voice and stared at Justin making sure he’d been heard.
“It’s okay to ask for things you want.” Justin spoke softly allowing no trace of his frustration to enter into his tone.
Brian dropped his eyes to the floor and nervously shuffled his feet.
“It’s not ‘okay’ to want stuff that’s being selfish.”
“Why” Justin asked as he stood up from the desk and moved toward Brian.
Brian folded his arms and began rocking back and for on his heels.
“It just is.” Brian said plainly.
“You wanted to go swimming the other day and that was okay, remember?”
“But you didn’t have to pay and you could have said no if you didn’t want to go.” Brian huffed out quickly.
“So you think wanting things for yourself that cost money is bad…selfish?”
“Uh huh.” Brian nodded and continued to rock on his heels.
Justin rested his chin on his hand for a few moments thinking.
“How about this, I’m going to buy us a few special treats can you tell me what you would like?” Justin smiled slyly and was surprised to see it being returned.
“You could get that kind of ice cream from the hospital.”
“Is that what ‘you’ want?”
“It would be okay with me if you did. I mean if you wanted to share.” Brian’s face became a puzzle of emotions that Justin had no frame of reference for.
“What if you had your own money? Would it still be selfish to get what you want?”
“I would give it to Jack and my mom.”
“Even if it were money that you earned?”
“Yeah…then maybe they wouldn’t…maybe they wouldn’t hate me so much.”
Justin decided this wasn’t the time to push this
conversation. It had already been a long
day and Brian needed time to adjust to the new surroundings. He wrote a list then called in the grocery
order that included chocolate, chocolate chip ice cream. Then turned on the computer and wrote a long
email to Brett trying to explain his unexplained absence. He added that he hoped to continue being a
part of Rage and could work from
“You can’t help him.” The keeper said as he stood in front of the desk.
“What?” Justin raised his eyes from the monitor. He had been so engrossed in the email he hadn’t heard what Brian said.
The keeper bent over the monitor and leaned in close to Justin’s face. “I said you can’t help him.”
“Let me guess…you’re the only one that can.” Justin looked up into the cold-hard eyes of ‘the keeper.’
“If that were true smartass Brian would be here instead of me.”
The keeper came around the front of the desk and sat on the edge. Justin instinctively rolled the chair a few feet away not willing to allow the keeper into his personal space.
“Are you going to give me a hint or is this going to be twenty questions?” Justin asked quirking an eyebrow which added a sarcastic value to the comment.
“For someone who got 1500 on his SAT’s you’re a little dense.”
“Kind of smug for the self-proclaimed protector of Brian Kinney I’d say? You can’t be proud of the fact you push him to numb his pain in ways that are unhealthy and dangerous.”
The keeper ignored the dig and walked around the desk coming up behind Justin. When Justin made to get out of the chair he was pushed back down by strong hands on his shoulders and held in place.
“You think you love him?”
“I do.” Justin stated with firm commitment.
“Shut up and listen. Mikey thinks he loves him. Lindsay thinks she loves him. The lot of you know shit about him. All you know is the façade. Have you ever tried to look beyond that? Behind the beautiful outer shell? No, because none of you could handle what you’d see.”
“Brian’s never let anyone see it. He doesn’t talk about his childhood before he met Michael.” Justin defended.
“Bullshit! If you are soooo much in love with him you’d see it. Christ Justin it’s all right there in his eyes all you had to do is look. I think you have seen it, but were too piss in your pants scared to confront it. Or maybe you’re just too weak.”
Justin realized he needed to gain control of the situation, but didn’t have a clue and that’s when he noticed the box that had been left unattended on one of the window ledges.
“What does the key belong to?”
The keeper was silent for a few moments.
“None of your fucking business.” The keeper said defensively, then stormed over to the window to snatch up the box.
“Why was Brian in the hospital when he was 10?” Justin could tell the keeper was thrown off kilter by his direct questions.
“His old man beat the living shit out of him. And like I said what’s in this box is none of your fucking business. I told the little shit you’d be snooping in it.”
“The little shit? I thought you cared about Brian? Why are you so fucking mean to young Brian, but give the older one time to rest or help in numbing his pain?”
“I am not mean to the kid. He’s stupid and naive, and I know what you’re trying to do. We were discussing Brian the lost one…remember?”
“No, we weren’t discussing shit. You were telling me how worthless Brian’s family is. His real family the ones who love him not the one he was unfortunate enough to be born into.”
“Right and then you tried to distract me…take control.”
“You’re right whoeverthefuck you are. I am taking control and I want to know why you treat young Brian like he’s nothing? Why do you need to keep him afraid? What is it about windows that fascinate him so much? What really happened to Paul and why did Brian pretend to be both older and younger versions?” Justin was now out of his chair. He approached the keeper deliberately getting in his personal space hoping to put him totally on the defensive.
The keeper stepped back until he bumped up against a window. Justin closed in staring intently into the keeper’s cold eyes.
“If you find what the key fits Brian dies.” The keeper whispered.
Justin stepped back and watched Brian’s eyes soften and fill with tears.
“No, no, no, no, no.” Brian muttered as he brought his hands up to clasp his head the box fell to the floor with a tinny thud.
“Brian its okay…shhhh. Calm down…” Justin reached for Brian to soothe him as he did Brian turned away and ran into the bathroom.
The knock on the door came before Justin could follow Brian. He knew who it was and ran to the door before Mikey started banging and shouting.
“I knew you were home. Why didn’t you call to let me know?” Mikey walked in puffing and indignant as he pushed past Justin.
“How’d you find out?”
“You wouldn’t answer your cell or the phone in the room so I called the front desk to find out you’d check out. Where the hell else would you go? How is he?” Michael looked around the loft. “Where is he?”
“He’s, uh… okay. And he’s in the bathroom.” Justin said as he ran his hand through his hair trying to keep the frustration out of his voice, while keeping an eye on the bathroom door.
“Why’d you leave? What did the doctor find out? Is he Brian again?” Michael rattled.
“Michael this isn’t a good time. He needs to rest.”
“Bullshit! I’m not going anywhere until you give me an update and I want to see him.” Michael crossed his arms across his chest like an insolent child.
Justin could feel his cheeks begin to burn. What he wanted to do was slap the crap out of ‘Mikey’.
“Michael please the last 24 hours have been rough.”
Michael wasn’t budging.
“Fine. He is Brian, a younger version. He was pretending to be Paul. I don’t know why? Then another personality showed up. Calls himself ‘the keeper’, young Brian is in the bathroom upset about something and I need to go talk to him.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“No, Michael I’m the one he trusts. I’m not sure he can handle being around more than one person.”
“And that one person has to be you? Again bullshit, Brian needs the rest of his family too.”
“Keep your voice down.”
“You don’t want him to know anyone else is here.”
“I didn’t say that. Dammit Michael too much shit is going on right now. If everyone comes tromping in here it could push him over the edge.”
“When did you become a psychiatrist? I think you want him to stay like this.”
“That is the most idiotic thing you have ever said Michael.”
“Idiotic huh? For the last 10 days he has been completely dependent on you for almost everything. I’ll bet that makes you feel like you’re the only one in his life. And I’ll bet that in that pretty little blond head of yours that’s exactly where you’d like to keep him.”
“You have no idea what the ‘hell’ you are talking about!” Justin could feel the heat rising from his ears. His hands balled into fists….
“Hey bitches, you wanna take the catfight outside and claw at each other in the alley. I’ve got the worst headache of my life and you’re snarling at each other isn’t helping.” Brian stood at the top of the bedroom stairs rubbing his temples.
“Brian?” Michael and Justin said in unison.
“You were expecting Mr. Rodgers?” Brian snarked, “Not in my loft.” With that Brian turned around and crawled into bed covering his head with a pillow.
Michael and Justin stare at him and then each other wide-eyed and gaping mouths.