Chapter 7

Little Boy Blue

“Come out come out wherever you are.” A singsong voice echoed from his past.

“Brian please come out you need to get in the bath. You don’t want your mother to get mad at me do you? I might have to tell her what a bad boy you’ve been.” The voice sounded sweet, but the meaning of the words were clear to him. If he didn’t do what was asked of him the voice would tell his secrets and then he would be sent away to a bad place where bad boys go and never come back again. He knew this to be true because it happened to his best friend Paul.

White walls. No windows. He felt hot. The room was steamy and smelled sweet. His stomach muscles were tense and he could hear himself moaning with pleasure. The pleasure undeniable. The feeling to good to be right. No he wasn’t that boy anymore. He’d trained himself not to enjoy the feeling. To do only what was necessary to survive.

Paul lifted his head. The blond was sucking him.

“No! No! No!” Paul screamed pushing away almost tipping the stool over.

Justin came forward his hands holding down on Paul’s knees to keep him from toppling over then pushed himself to his feet.

“I...I...God...I’m sorry. You got hard and I thought maybe....maybe Brian. Uh...I’m so, so sorry.” The look on Paul’s face caused him to cringe. The man looked as if he’d just witnessed a horrible accident. He instantly hated himself for being so stupid for letting his feelings for Brian over rule his common sense. Justin stumbled backwards towards the door almost falling over the commode before exiting the bathroom leaving Paul alone, naked and wet.

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“How you boys doing in there?” Nurse Katie called out as she entered the patient’s room with a clean gown for the patient and linens for the bed. With the quietness that greeted her she knew something was wrong. Taking another step she looked toward the now half open bathroom door and could see her patient sitting inside the shower on the stool. He was bent at the waist arms, wrapped around his legs, shivering. Katie dropped her bundle onto the bed table reached into the closet and grabbed a blanket. She advanced slowly not wanting to startle the young man.

“I’m your nurse Mr. Kinney. My name’s Katie. I have a blanket here I’m going to wrap it around your shoulders.”

She received no response until the blanket touch the man’s shoulders causing to jump slightly.

“Are you hurt anywhere Mr. Kinney?” Katie spoke softly as she pulled the blanket completely around her patient.

“Can you hear me Mr. Kinney? “Are you hurt anywhere?”

“I....I’mmm....nnnoootttt....Kinnnnnny.” Paul spoke through chattering teeth.

“Oh dear, I’m sorry got my patients mixed up, you’re Paul Smith.” Katie covered with a smiled and patted his shoulder. She grabbed a towel and dried his hair then asked...“Paul can you stand up?”

He nodded.

Paul stood up on shaky legs.

“I’m just going to take hold of your arm to keep you steady okay? Can’t have you falling on my shift to much paperwork.” Katie laughed hoping to put the young man more at ease.

Paul let the red haired woman guide him into the next room and settle him into a chair.

“You just sit there and warm up a bit. I’m going to change the bed linens. It’ll take me two whips of a cat’s tail.” She patted Paul’s hand and grabbed the bed linens from the table.

Within a few minutes Katie had freshened the bed and held out the clean gown to Paul.

“Here sweetie slip this on and climb into bed and get comfortable. I’ll be back in a few minutes to check on you. Okay?”

Paul nodded and took the gown from her.

Just as Katie entered the hallway she caught a glimpse of blond hair as it ducked into the stairwell.

“Hold it right there soldier.” Katie bellowed at the retreating blond as she entered the stairwell. Justin was halfway down the first flight of stairs.

Justin stopped in his tracks, but kept his back to the nurse looming at the top of the stairs with her hands placed firmly on her hips.

“We’re going to have a conversation about what happened in there with my patient.” Katie left the stairwell not doubting Justin would follow.

When Justin entered the hallway near the nurses station Katie was waiting for him her arms folded firmly across her ample chest. She motioned with her head towards the nurses lounge. Justin silently followed the nonverbal command.

Katie entered just behind him ordering two young nurses out of the lounge. They dutifully grabbed their lunches and exited. Justin could tell by the look on their faces they would never dare to balk at an order given by this particular head nurse.

“Sit.”

Justin sat.

“I thought my patient was in good hands?”

“I’m sorry.” Justin couldn’t look at her. He was suppose to take care of Brian. He also gathered the safety of her patients was Katie’s utmost priority, so he’d also let her down. How could he be so stupid. He had no excuse to offer. Maybe Michael was right.

“Stop that.” Katie sat down across the table from him.

“What?”

“Beating yourself up. Now tell me what happened.”

“I’m not sure, exactly. I was washing him and...well...I...um started washing his, you know.”

“He got upset when you washed his genitals?”

“Sort of. Not really it was more than that. Fuck, it’s going to sound so sick.”

“Trust me Justin there’s not much I haven’t seen or heard in my 50 plus years.”

“Brian, my Brian is a highly sexualized gay man. Sex is at the center of his being, so when I washed his genitals and he reacted to the touch I thought it was Brian. I thought he was enjoying it and then he freaked.”

“And so you ran?” Katie focused intensely on the blue eyes in front of her. She watched as the tears began to well up as the realization of what he’d done took hold.

“I was...I was coming back and then I saw you go in the room. I know I shouldn’t have ran out. It’s just” Justin took a deep breath and blew it out. “It’s just that the last 48 hours have been so insane. I know that’s no excuse.”

Katie could see how close Justin was to breaking down and reached out her hand and covered his.

“Sweetheart running is never the answer unless you’re ass is being shot at by the enemy.” She cracked a large smile.

“You’re not going to throw me out?”

“It’s not my place. I’m still a bit miffed that you left my patient shivering in the shower, but I’ll get over it. You’ll have to talk to him.”

“He’s awake?”

Katie nodded. “And he still believes his name is Paul Smith.”

“What do I say? What if he wants me to leave?”

“I’m not a psychiatrist Justin. Go talk to him.”

Justin got up and went to the door.

“Thanks for not throwing me out on my ass.”

“Sweetheart everyone fucks up just make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“Yes ma’am.” Justin gave her a quick salute and left the nurses lounge wondering how the hell he was going to explain his actions to the straight stranger who had recently taken up residence in his partner’s body.

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The room was dark except for the faint glow of the city lights shining into the window. Justin stood near the door for a moment to let his eyes adjust. He could barely make out the form in the hospital bed, but could tell the patient was curled into a fetal position and buried under the bed covers. The only thing Justin could see of Brian was a patch of tousled brunette hair peeking out from beneath the blanket. As he approached he found himself listening for the familiar light snore that would let him off the hook for now. Instead he heard muted sniffles and took notice of Brian’s shoulders, they were shaking. ‘Fuck, he’s either gotten a cold or he’s....’

“Paul are you awake?” Justin whispered.

Paul became quiet and stopped moving.

“Do you want me to leave?” He crossed his fingers. When he got no response he walked closer to the bed. “I’m really sorry about what happened. I mean about what I did. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Your not mad at me?” Paul’s voice was muffled by the covers.

“What?” Justin drew closer not sure he’d heard correctly.

Brian’s long fingers crept from beneath the blanket and pulled it back revealing only his face.

“Your not mad at me?” His eyes did not meet Justin’s. Paul stared at his hand instead.

“No way. It was all my fault. Why would I be mad at you for something I did? You have every right to be mad at me.”

“I wouldn’t get mad at you.” Brian’s eyes widened.

“Why wouldn’t you get mad at me?” Justin sat down in a chair and pulled it close to the bed. There was something strange about Brian’s voice pattern. His voice sounded almost childlike.

“‘Cause you’ve been nice to me.” Paul swiped at his nose with the back of his hand and sniffed.

Justin handed Paul the box of kleenex from the bedside table and observed his mannerisms as he took a tissue, wiped his face, and blew his nose.

“You remember me?”

“You’re Justin. You drew me pictures in the car.” Paul wadded the tissue and handed it to Justin.

“Do you remember Michael?”

“He was driving and grumping a lot, but he was funny.”

Swallowing hard Justin decided to play psychiatrist and talk to what seemed to be a new personality.

“How old are you? I know you told me before, but I forgot.”

“I’m gonna be eight in two months. I’m seven now.” Paul managed a weak smile.

“Do you know a Brian Kinney?”

“He’s my best friend, but I haven’t seen him for a long time” Paul offered his mouth turning down in sadness.

“You miss him, huh?”

“Yeah he’s a good friend. He likes me too. Lots of people don’t like me ‘cause I’m a foster kid. They think I’m bad because my parents didn’t want me.”

“Well I like you, and lots of people are stupid.” Justin was rewarded with a big awkward smile.

Justin noticed Paul’s eyes were beginning to close and he yawned.

“Long day, huh?” Justin forced a smile while his insides began to churn.

“Uh-huh.” Paul yawned again.

“Go to sleep.”

“Will you be here when I wake up?”

“I’ll be right here.” Justin reached out and brushed Paul’s bangs from his eyes.

Paul closed his eyes and was lightly snoring within minutes.

Justin raced to the bathroom and threw up.