Have you ever wondered on your healing journey why there are people who spend a great deal of time and effort trying to convince us our memories are false, made up, or influenced by our therapists. I think these must be the same people who for the last 50 years have been trying to convince the world that the atrocities in the Death Camps in Germany and other parts of Europe never happened. As a survivor who is trying to understand what her childhood was like, I want to stand before these people and scream. "You don’t know what it is like to doubt yourself and your sanity a few minutes after re- experiencing a flashback that had my parents doing horrors to me. You have no idea of what it is like to be afraid to go to sleep at night beside the most wonderful man in the world because lurking in the shadows of my mind is another flashback working its way out. Don’t tell me my memories are false. Thank God my therapist is the one sane person in the room after I have come out of my nightmare and I ask her if I could be making it up and she says "Why would you?" The most brilliant question in the world? Why would we?

My fear of making things up can be addressed with an even more enlightened question : What if I am not?

As a Survivor I grapple with my own doubts and denials, knowing at some level these are old protection devices, the ghosts of my mind. Remembering for me has been a challenge and at times a battle. I managed to forget until 4 years ago, when the knowledge of the abuse came to me during a healing seminar. For the last two and a half years I have been remembering what was done to me. Remembering why I have very few memories of my childhood. A childhood I missed because of what I am remembering.

Healing is an individual process, any kind of healing, it is as unique and different as we are. Therefore the process of remembering is a very individual journey. Some of us have always know we were abused, and other of us remembered when we were 20, 30, 40, 50, or 60 years of age.

What I would like to do with this article is to help our understanding of the personal side of remembering. To give some hope and to help in the understanding that there is a reason for the way we remember and by honoring that way we aid our healing. I believe the way in which we remember and heal is exactly the way we should. We are on our own personal path and it is as it should be. That may sound simple, but that is what makes it so powerful. Wisdom can fool us by coming wrapped in uncomplicated packages.

Memory my elusive friend. You are my friend aren’t you ? Snapshots here, feelings there. Sometimes no more than an instant picture. At other times no picture at all. Then it’s gone. And all you leave me are the feelings. Are you doing this to drive me crazy or protect me?

Wait! A thought. I am my memory. My memories are me. Would it help to accept what you give me. No judgments. Let them be what they are. Knowing that you are using the language I can understand. And that healing and remembering are just being. Sounds very Buddhist doesn’t it. Do you think I will remember? Yes. - Until next time and hopefully someone will remind me.

How we remember.

For myself I get flashbacks, body memories, dreams, and nightmares. It has been a long journey, 99% of my memories have emerged in the last 2 and half years. Prior to that I had one memory of my father abusing me as a young teenager. This is the only crystal clear picture I had, and I spent many years trying to make it go away. I am so thankful I could not make this one go away. I had no memories of my mother sexually abusing me. Although I have always known about her emotional and physical abuse. I was in therapy for a year before I knew my mother also sexually abused me. Yet, I have always remembered being abused by a neighbor. The mind is amazing isn’t it? I believe we put the memories of abuse by our parents or principle care- givers in a different place in our mind. This makes perfect sense when you think about it. Abuse by a parent or principle care-giver is much more threatening and terrifying to a child’s psyche, to their very foundation, these memories are put away to a deeper place.

After two and a half years of working in therapy with remembering I have started to notice a pattern for me.

Sleep
Prior to the memory coming up I have a difficult time sleeping. I will awaken in the morning feeling like I have been battling something all night. My body is not rested, my arms are tight, and if a particular part of my body is involved with the memory it will be tired, tense or sore.

Dreams
I have been working with my dreams since I started therapy, and I notice at the beginning of a new memory I will stop remembering my dreams, or I will awaken in the morning feeling like I have been dreaming the same thing all night, over and over again. Most of the time the details will elude me, but there is a strong feeling of abuse and it happening all night. As it gets closer to the actual memory emerging, my dreams may change and I will dream about abuse or have a nightmare that I do remember.

Body Memory
I had body memories long before I remembered being abused. When I was a child I experienced headaches, digestive problems, and intense cramps with my period. My digestive problems were so bad I was sent for every medical test going, to try to get to the route of the problem. No one could figure out what was wrong.

As an adult when I am in the process of remembering I will experience stiffness in my arms, upper and lower back, neck, hips, and lately I have been getting eye twitches. I get headaches now when I am resisting memories. I will also experience numbing in my breasts. When the memory does emerge there are always a variety of sexual feelings. These are usually the hardest, because the last thing I want to experience when I remember being abused by my parents is sexual feelings. If feeling sexual about memories of abuse makes you feel ashamed or hate how you are feeling it is very important you understand where those feelings are coming from. My therapist has spent a great deal of time explaining to me that we are sexual beings, and our bodies automatically react when we are sexually stimulated. Directing your anger or hate at yourself or you body is not fair, you are not responsible - the abusers are. Even if you enjoyed some of the things being done to your body, or you remember having an organism do not blame your body. It did not betray you the abuser did. It is time to start loving this wonderful body that has been with you on this torturous journey and has brought you to this point in your healing.

The Subconscious and Safety!

There are times when I would love to sit down with my therapist, turn the lights down and watch the whole story of my abuse, every event. Then we could just deal with all the stuff. No more guessing, no more feeling like I am making it up., Living Colour and THX Sound. Does that sound good to you ? Well thank God it does not work that way. The subconscious mind lets out as much info as it can handle at the moment. It knows about things like overload, it realizes events need to be felt, and assimilated. Watching the full movie version of my abuse would be like watching a seventy-two hour long horror movie. After the first couple of hours ( for me the first 10 minutes) I would no longer be there, I would numb out, I would drift off. Sound familiar.

I don’t have any memories! At the beginning of the journey into memory lane, the most difficult part is having patience. If you were like me you may have only one memory and some very strong feelings or you might have no memories. The inner part of you that is holding all the memories will let them out when it is safe to do so. The fact that you are reading this page and have been thinking about memories is sending clear signals to yourself that you are serious. The memories will come. I do want to remind you of what I said about language at the beginning of the article. You need to understand what your mind and body are telling you. You may already be getting memories. They may be coming as body memories, or feelings. Do you get upset whenever you hear, read or watch anything on sexual abuse. I am not talking about normal outrage. I am talking about a feeling that takes over and invokes a very strong reaction to run, cry, get sick or to punch something or someone. These are a type of memory. Just because we do not get clear pictures does not mean it is not a memory. Do not push it. I know it is difficult, but the one thing I have learned over the last two and a half years is don’t push. If you push, it is you that suffers. These memories have been repressed for a reason and it is to your benefit to let them come out when they are ready.

If you are getting memories and want some help in working with them the book "Repressed Memories - A Journey to Recovery from Sexual Abuse" by Renee Fredrickson, PH.D gives lots of good suggestions on how to work with your memories. But, please do not jump to the chapter on Memory Recover without reading the whole book. There is an important safety factor you must always keep in mind: 1) Do not force things. 2) You have buried the memories for a reason. 3) You are remembering already or you would not be reading this. 4) Trust your process. Remembering is tricky. It is like many other things in our life, if it does not look the way we want it to look we do not recognize it. Forcing yourself may put you into overload and push the memories even deeper. Do not do this work alone, get some help from a therapist when doing memory work. As I said I have been dealing with my memories for the last 2 and a half years and I cannot do it alone. I don’t know anyone who can. Plus you had to go through the abuse alone, you do not need to go through the remembering alone.

Honor your individual way of remembering. It is not better or worse than anyone else’s way. It is your way and is happening this way for a reason. As a member of a support group I watch as each of us have different ways of remembering. No one’s way is better than someone else’s, it is just different.

If you are at the start of this journey take it one step at a time. Your safety and comfort are important. I also suggest you record your memories. It helps in remembering them. It also gives you something to look back on and realize how far you have come. Form yourself a support network of people you can call and talk to. This is not a journey you want to take alone.

If you are well into your journey you probably have already thought of some of my suggestions. I welcome you to my web site and would love to invite you in for a cup of tea. We could talk about some of the things we wish we knew before and smile at the courage we see in each other.

For all of us we are a courageous group. We have made the decision to open the doors to the hidden memories in our mind and body. A journey into the unknown for many of us, one not taken lightly, and one with many dark passages ahead. As challenging as this journey is I would not have it any other way, it is my mission because the most wonderful thing is happening I am finding myself behind these doors. I now know as hard as the memories are they are in the past and cannot hurt me again. As I free them I free myself. I celebrate this freedom for all of us.

Diane Auld