My Journal
August - 1999
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August 20th
There is not Journal for September, somehow GeoCities lost all of my files as well as hundreds of others so.
I have been going through so many personal changes lately that I am mind boggled. I look at my life and wonder what the heck there is about it that is good. I do nothing day in and day out, talk with no one unless Robert and Crystal happen to be around, I have no where to go, nothing to do and no one to see. I can only clean my house so much now days and do only so much yard work, I am right back in the same rut I was in pre-cancer and I know I didn’t fight so hard and win that battle to live like this. I am tired of being home all the time, tired of being alone and tired of not having any friends, tired of not living. I want to change so much, so badly but am at a loss as to how. Mom is my major stepping stone but I can’t and won’t have her leave just because I am feeling restless. If only she would get up earlier than 4:00 p.m. we could go places and see stuff other than the same four walls. I have gotten so depressed lately that it is scary at times, I start crying for absolutely no reason even though I was in a great mood, my body aches all the time and I am sure that is just because of not sleeping well. Gosh I don’t know, here I am rambling on and on, the only thing I do for sure is that I have been given a second chance at life and I don’t know what to do with it, I have given up so much of my life that I don’t know how to restore it anymore. I feel like a kid at times, trying to find my own identity again.
Well, mom spent the day/night waiting for her ‘mom’ to come get her for a visit home. I breaks my heart to see the sorrow in her face when ‘her mom’ doesn’t show, it also aggravates me with the constant repetitions. Mom seems to be having more trouble with her acid reflux; a lot more burping/belching and complaining about her stomach - the doctor upped her Prilosec to 2 pills daily now. I am still about the same, feeling like my next doctor appointment can’t get here too soon.
Good news came today. Last Thursday my friend came up to visit and let me know that they had found loads of lumps in her breasts on the mammography that she had done, the doctor scheduled her for a sonogram today and the results are very encouraging, they feel the lumps are benign, she will get more information Monday. However, I also found out that a friend of the family may have liver cancer and he is only 35, he gets his biopsy done on the 23rd. I could use a break from ALL illnesses for awhile. Mom was up all night last night, so much for complaining about her not getting up. She was so ornery, hitting, kicking, cussing and yelling at me. Oh yeah, she is going to report me to the administrator in the morning too. I hope I get fired. LOL. Not really, but sometimes….
My mom is doing fine. I got her to a dermatologist for the constant itching, seems she had scabies, how she got those I don’t understand because she does get bathed every day, even if only a sponge bath by her bed. The only thing I can think is that she has had them for some time, since April when she was in the rehab. center, he gave me lotion for it and they are gone now. She is still in a mood, always yelling and bitching about everything. I swear I feel like a little kid at times, listening to her in one of her tyrants. I really think some of her mood is due to me and my mood, I think she senses my uneasiness and it makes her feel uncomfortable.
I have figured out the source of my depression and intend to change it. I realized that when I was in treatment for the cancer something was being done for it, fighting it, killing it. Now that I am in remission nothing is being done, no treatments, nothing to make me feel like I am fighting it. Now too I am not around the other cancer patients like I was so my bald head is the only one I have to see everyday and it is getting to me, I understand that it is only vanity but it is still a part of the depression. I am also still going through the withdrawals of 30 years of smoking while others around me continue, albeit outside, my first instinct when I am stressed to the max is to grab for that cigarette. To top it all off I do not feel well physically, my hands and feet are almost always cold, numb, tingly and bruise easily, not exactly bruise but blood pools in them, hard to explain.
This has been a heck of a few days. Mom was suppose to go the doctor this past Thursday for a re-check but she wouldn’t get up! When I tried to get her up you reminded me that I could not force her to do anything that she didn’t want to do and that she wasn’t going to the doctor. I was truly too tired to argue with her or deal with her attitude so I kept her appointment for her, we both have the same GP. I was glad I had, he has me scheduled for several heart exams, he believes this is the cause of my hand/feet problems, he also refilled my RX for Zoloft and gave me one for sinus infection. He wasn’t upset about mom either, however, she has one for tomorrow, for PT with the same doctor and I really hope she gets her butt up to go. My oldest son was in a bad accident early Saturday morning, he is so lucky to alive. His Nissan sport cars t-top flipped, landed on it’s top in a person’s front yard after taking out the tree by the roots and hitting a light pole. He was taken to the hospital and only had minor cuts, abrasions and bruises. Thank GOD. He is very sore now though, all those muscles and joints aches that come up later are really knocking him down right now. Robert has gone back to work, this is both good and bad. He is happy to be back working but his shoulder is still bothering him a lot. Crystal is looking for work also, she has an interview Tuesday for a receptionist.
Things are somewhat better today than they have been. My oldest boy is recovering very nicely from his accident and anxious to get back to work, Robert is doing fine with being back to work and Crystal is proceeding with her job search, mom is doing really good, although she still doesn’t want to get up any earlier. I am doing well and have completed all the tests that the doctor ordered last Thursday, now to be patient and await the results.
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