What do you do when the only thing that you have to look forward to is DEATH? Not the wishing it would hurry up and happen kind of death, but, the inevitable type.

My mother is never going to get better. There is no surgery, no therapy, no medication to take this disease away. Alzheimers has robbed me of my mother. Robbed my mother of the joys that old age can bring. Robbed my grand-daughters of the great-grandmother they will never know and taken away the grandma that my boys once had.

This is a cruel disease. It has forced me to look at life in a new way. I never know from one day to the next what stage my mom will be in, all I do know is that each new day brings mom to a different, deeper level of confusion, and closer to death.

I cannot look forward to mom remembering something, she can't. I cannot look forward to mom walking unaided, she can't. I cannot look forward to mom holding a conversation, she can't. I cannot look forward to mom recognizing us at all times, she can't. I cannot look forward to mom being happy, when all she feels is sad.

I can, however, look forward to her death. She will then remember us all, she will be happy, without fear and sadness. Her words will wax eloquently and her eyes will once again shine. Her legs will hold her tall and straight, head high. The mom I once knew will be there for me when I am in need. The conversations will be held then.

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