January 1st
We had a very low key New Years Eve but had a great time. Today has been a very lazy day , I stayed in bed until I felt like getting up. Watching t.v., reading, dozing off and on. It was great. I had been sick the entire weekend, so this is just what I needed. Mom did too. She had gone to bed early last night but she just didn't want to get up so I let her stay in bed too.
January 2nd
I went to the doctor today. My tests came back great. The bone marrow aspiration showed no cancer and the brain MRI was clean too. My counts are coming up finally, if they continue to, I will be able to have chemo on Wednesday. Hell of a thing, Praying that you can get chemo. They also got me on some pain medication that actually works now, wow it feels good not to hurt. Mom is doing fine. It is nice to see her being comfortable most of the time. Her aches and pains have deminished some and she is getting around pretty well. Her dimentia seems to have leveled off too. It isn't any worse than it was last year this time. She sure does love to play with the baby, Kasi, when she comes up. She gets a kick out of watching her try to run when she just leaarned to walk.
January 3rd
I went over today and got Koko's food from the vet and made a check-up appointment for her on the 11th. Koko is doing great considering she is totaly blind. Mom feels so bad for her and always remembers that she is the dog that can't see.
January 4th
I took down all the inside Christmas stuff today and packed it away. Kind of a shock for mom when she came out to the living room. She figured Santa must be awful mad to come take everything like that. SMILE. I felt pretty good today, no pain and was able to sleep last night. I hope it remains this way.
January 6th
I have been so uncomfortable these past few days. My stomach hurts so bad and is so bloated. The doc wants me to stay in the hospital for awhile to get it under control but, I said no. So he hooked me up to IV medication for several hours, let me go and gave me new RX's. I still can't have chemo since my counts are too low yet. I sure hope I get it soon. The longer it takes the more there is to kill. Mom is doing fine. She invited Jean to her birthday party today. Jean said sure she would come, when is it and mom actually knew. She said May 17th and I'll be 87 years old. Imagine that, she remembered.
January 9th
I went to the Onc today for what I hoped and prayed would be my first round of chemo since November 21st, 7 weeks but, no luck. My platlettes are up to 101 but my whites are down to 1.4. The doc said he could give me 50% geno.........something, BUT he really didn't want to because he feels it would be the end of me. My bone marrow is so messed up from all the chemicals that he just doesn't think I can stand anything right now. He feels that one bout of becoming septic would be far too hard on my system and there would be no recovery. He did start me on the neupogyn shots today. I have these daily in hopes that it will help by next Tuesdays appointment but he doesn't think it will. He also told me that without the chemo I am looking at months now, one, two maybe 6. Of course that all depends on the rate of growth and spread of the cancer and he doesn't have a crystal ball. The look on his face was something comparable to dread. He is such a nice doc and so compassionate that he really feels the pain when he has bad news for you. I wasn't surprised but I sure was hoping. Now to decide. Do I want to go through chemo again, knowing that it it may not work on the cancer and may kill me sooner than the cancer or stop chemo and live what life I have left feeling somewhat good ???????? By the way, the belching and gas was caused by being constipated. The doc started me on Luktolos (sp) this past Monday, it really cleaned house and I feel 100% better. Now that the pain is under control and that is cleared up I can actually do some stuff.
This being between a rock and a hard place really sucks. Excuse my language but it really does. I have said from the beginning that I would go out fighting but I also don't want my kids and grand-daughters to have to go through all the vomiting, staying away from me so they don't get me sick, not being around my dogs which are like kids to me, they have been my best friends through all of this. Gosh, what a dilema. What am I going to about mom? Jean has said that mom could come live with her but Jean has a life too. She used to have live-ins when her husband was alive but since he is gone now and she has gone on with her life I don't her strapped down with my mom. I know how it is to be single and not go anywhere and I don't want this for my mom. Maybe I can find a good foster home for her. Robert gets her POA when I am gone so maybe I will just leave it up to him. I can't do that though. Oh shoot. I think I just won't think about it any more today, tomorrow will be another day.
January 13th
I have done a lot thinking these past few days and have decided to ask the doctor about getting Thailodimide as a last chance effort. There has been some research done that indicates a fairly good response from solid tumors from this and it doesn't mess up your counts like chemo does. I'll see Tuesday what the doctor thinks about it. Mom is doing fine although she is always asking me if I am o.k., dark circles under the eyes going on... She has been asking about to California again, for a vacation but not as often as she used to.
January 28th
Things have been so up and down since I last wrote. I got on the Thalidomide and take it everyday. Found out that the pain in my gut is from a bug called H.pilori for which I take antibiotics for. My counts are up enough now for chemo but the doctor and I feel it would be stupid to take it right now with the stomach infection going on. Also found out that the cancer has spread alot. All of the left lobe of my liver is cancer now, cancer surrounds my left kidney and is somewhere between the two also. My chances are looking pretty slim now. I am preparing for my death. I have most of my papers put together, house will be sold unless David wants to move in. He is keeping Wizzer for me and Reno will go to Robert, Koko is going with me - I have no one else for her. I hate for her to have to die just because I am. Mom is going to go back to the nursing home, Robert will take of this after I am gone, until then she is staying right here with me. She knows something is wrong but doesn't know what. I have not told her about being sick again but she can see it in my face and often wonders what is wrong with me, asking if I feel all right. She is doing good, although her sleep pattern has gone bad. Up all night and sleeps the day away or at least tries to. God I hate this. Everyone knows that someday they will die but to have it put in your face that that time is very short but yet you don't know exactly when is so hard to deal with day in, day out. I wouldn't want to know the exact day but to know it was years away would be really nice. Thinking about not being around anymore, not looking out my window, not sitting at my compuer, how the wind blows the trees across the street, the little things that we often take for granted, I will miss all those things. I guess I won't since I won't be here anyway but they are things I think about. My friends and family are that I have and to know that I am leaving them, it is so scary. I am not afraid to die, I know where I am going but the thought of not being in their lives anymore, not seeing my grand-daughters grow up, loving them. God how unfair.
