March 1
WELL. I got my round of chemo on the 19th and was due to get another one on the 26th of February but, as usual, my counts were down too low for it. My platlettes dropped from 154 to 47 with just one round and all others have dropped too, so I am now finished. My body can no longer tolerate the chemo and there are just no other options. I also had a set of new CTScnas done. The left lobe of my liver has doubled in size since my January scans so the cancer has gotten a lot more aggressive. My doctor feels that I will begin seeing signs of liver failure within the next 4 to 8 weeks. Once that begins it won't be long until complete failure happens which means I will go into a coma, shortly there after I will die. Now I am going to put as much determination into just feeling the best that I can each day as I did in fighting the cancer. I am going to make new memories for me to take with me and to leave behind. Cherishing every day for just what it is, a new day. I want to have some joy, laughter and lots of love around me now. No more staying away from people just because they might have a sniffle. No more not doing this or that because I have to be careful for chemo or anything else like that. I have told my doctor I just want him to help keep me as healthy as he can for the time I have left. I went to my radiation oncologist today. He is going to give me three weeks of palliative radiation, daily starting Monday, to the left liver lobe in hopes of shrinking it some so the pain isn't so bad. My cancer has responded pretty well to radiation before so hopefully it will this time too. Mom is doing pretty good. I am placing her back in a Nursing Home. I am unable to care for her properly and it is the best thng for both of us. She will be going to the place that she was in this last time. They have changed administrators and have a new staff so perhaps the previous troubles won't be there now. Robert and David have assured me that they will be visiting her often and taking care of thngs for her. I just don't know what to tell her. She will be so lost not knowing why she had to be moved again. She really does know that she is living in the house with me. She will be thinking that I didn't want her anymore if I don't tell her the truth but how do I tell my mom that I am dieing and have to this? Do I just tell her I am sick and have to go to the hospital for awhile and let her worry about me then or what. God please tell me what to say to her.

March 2
I have all the grandgirls here tonight, a slumber party. We have been having a lot of fun. Mom is a little done in with all the commmotion but she is laughing some too. I'm glad I am feeling good enough to have them up, it has been a long time. I went to watch Kali play b'ball today too, they both won their games. Next week will be a very busy one for me. Mom will be placed Tuesday or Wednesday, I am having my dog Koko put down too and finalizing some funeral things and radiation every day along with watching Kasi everyday since Robert is still in class. I don't think I mentioned that Robert is in college taking re-training classes. Since his injury several years ago, he can't go back to the smae line of work so Workers Comp is sending him through school for Micro-Computer Analysist, good paying if he can land a good job somewhere. Well, the girls are ready for bed, they don't know it yet but. SMILE.

March 29
I have a lot of catching up to do. First of all I am not able to go to California as I thought I would be. I have been very sick, upper respiratory infection and severe pain. My doctor just thinks I should stay close to home now days too. I am offically on Hospice Care now too. It is great because all that I need done can be done right from home now and I will be able to pass at home with my family, friends and dogs by my side. My brother has been taking care of me and will continue to even with Hospice. Although, I am hiring Jean to be my full time caregiver so that my brother can look for some kind of work, he quit his job to come here. We need the money so bad right now and he will need it when everything here is over. I can get Jean through COPES program free of charge to me and he can get some time out and some money too. He has gotten my pain medication down so good that I haven't had any in several days now, which is why I am able to update right now. I haven't even been near my puter for weeks. UGH. I placed mom in the NH on the 8th and she is doing great. Although she did get pneumonia a week later, they caught it in time and started antibiotics right away so she is better now. She still remembered some people from there and they remembered her so she is being the little 'social butterfly' in the coffee room. She is even joining in on some activities like bingo and movies. I haven't been able to see her since the placement, with her being sick and me too, but I am hopeful of seeing her for Easter. My brother is fixing Easter dinner for all of us and we are planning on taking her a dish and visiting with her for awhile. I am not going to be able to watch Kasi while Robert is in school this quarter, I had a leaking arm port that had to be removed and have stitches, so David is going to watch her since he doesn't have to work. I really miss not having her around as much as I did. My older grand-daughters are having a hard time with all this. They know what is happening and it is reflecting in their school work. They want to spend every minute with me, but understand that grandma needs her rest and they DO KNOW how important an education is to me. Now they have me helping them with homework. SMILE.. Well, enough rambling from this end of the world. I will, hopefully, update again sooner. Please have a wonderful Easter and find lots of eggs and goodies.