November 1st
Today was a down day for me. I haven't been feeling the greatest for several days now and it seems to be catching up with me. I don't really know what is wrong but my chest hurts and I have a bad cough but no other symptoms except being very tired. I just laid around on the couch, getting mom what she needed only when absolutely necessary. I didn't get her to bed until 12:30 because she wasn't tired, she has been waking off and on alot lately, but does go back to sleep after I reassure her or address her concerns. She sure does love her lift chair and so do I, especially after today, she got the hang of it pretty fast. I have a class starting tomorrow at our local college. It is a modified fundamentals of caregiving class, just to recertify and I only go two days a week for three weeks, three hours per day. My d-i-l Crystal is going to watch mom while I am gone. It will feel good to be away from home for a bit I just hope mom isn't too grumpy when I get back.

November 2nd
Well, I went to class today only to find I had been registered in the wrong one, mine is only two days for five hours each day, this Saturday and then again on December 12th so. Mom was glad I wasn't gone for as long we thought I would be but you'd have thought I was gone for days by the reception she gave me when I came in the door. SMILE. She is sure doing good with her new chair, it has given us both a little independance. Tomorrow I start going through all my Christmas stuff, making sure the lights work. I am having a bazaar on the 21st and want it really lit up. I can't wait for Christmas to get here, guess I need the added stress, NOT REALLY, it is just that I love all the lights, aromas and friendliness that the season brings.

November 3rd
Boy did I crash and burn tonight. Mom didn't feel well today so she never got up, I took her dinner at 5:15, helped her get changed, etc. Then I laid down on the couch to read the paper and watch t.v. at 6:30, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 2:00am when I heard mom knocking to use the bathroom. I really thought it was afternoon when I first awoke. I guess the stress and lack of sleep of the past few months really caught up with me. Mom is feeling better this morning, even asked for some toast and coffee. The coffee she didn't get, not at this time of the morning but she did eat her toast, banana and Ensure drink.

November 4th
Mom got up at noon today, she feels better than she did yesterday. I spent the day cleaning the house, it still gets real dusty from all the work that was done, I plan to finish the trim painting tomorrow. I had to get on the roof this evening a lay some tarps down, it is leaking again! Right over the the room and at my fireplace. I was so hoping to get it re-financed by now so I could get this taken care of, so much for hopes, I'll have to get back up there tomorrow afternoon and place some mastic around the chimney, if it stops raining long enough.

November 5th
Hang on I am going to do some very heavy whinning! I was in a glum mood all day which isn't usual for me, something I don't generally allow myself to do. I get so tired of trying to hold it together for the sake of my mom, my kids, friends, I am 'Superwoman' after all. Usually when I feel down I just brush it aside because I know there are others out there alot less fortunate than I, however, sometimes life just sucks so much that I have to go with it and today was one of those times. I have spent my life taking care of others and today I was just tired of it. I didn't care if mom got up or not, whether she pee'd the bed or not, I didn't care how much mud the dogs tracked in on the floor, I wouldn't of cared if the sun had fallen from the sky and landed on my house, I just plain didn't give a damn about nothing today! I have worried myself sick about bills, the house, mom's health or lack of it, my kids and their troubles, the rest of my family's problems. I am becoming anorexic again, lost 21 pounds since August 29th, partially because I want to make sure there is enough food for mom to eat but also because it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Been here and done this before so I know how stupid it is and now that I have said it outloud I will deal with it.

November 6th
I feel better today, I think I got it all out of my system yesterday. I have my grand-daughters tonight, everyone went to an adult birthday party tonight so I watched them, we baked a cake and watched movies. They, along with mom have gone to sleep already, YIPPIE. SMILE. Mom is doing fine, getting along very well now days. I am worried about my younger son Robert, he got hurt at work, is off on L&I now and may need surgery on his shoulder, same as I had in '95. I sure hope he doesn't have to go through that.

November 7th
I had an all nighter with mom last night. She went to bed at 11:00 but was back up ready to go at 1:00 and stayed up until 5:00 this morning. I had class today from 9:00-3:00 without any sleep, it is now 10:00pm and she is getting up. I got a great surprise today, two 'net' friends, one in Germany the other in Tennesse sent me 'Howdy' cards and they both arrived on the same day, just what I needed today. It felt so nice reading them, I have them hanging on my 'busy' wall. Well, mom needs to eat something, get changed etc....so...

November 8th
I just got done watching 'Touched By an Angel' and had to write while all these feelings are on the surface. My eyes are so full of tears right now it is hard to type. I could see myself so well in this show. I have been alone since 1982 except for my kids and my mom. My greatest fear is being left all alone and for this reason I have gone to any lenghts to prove to everybody that I don't need anyone, that I enjoy being alone. What a lie. I hang onto my mom because I fear her leaving me, even though mentally she is already gone from me, most of the time she doesn't recognize me as her daughter. I have cared for her because I have to prove to her and everyone else that I love her yet I know, if she could have just one more lucid state that she would tell me not to. She would say, as she had so many times before this, that she loves me too much for me to be doing this. She always said she would rather be in a home than take my life away from me yet I hang on. It isn't guilt that keeps her with me it is the fear of not having her in my life anymore. For these same reasons I continue to stay home day in and day out, not just because I can't afford to get a sitter for her but because something might happen to her without me being present, without me being able to say goodbye. So many times I have wondered if I am doing the right thing for mom, keeping her with me, after all I am her daughter what better place for her. Is it possible that a home could be better for her, people who haven't heard all her stories yet? New faces to see and friends to make? More activities than I can provide? I know she wouldn't get any better physical care than I provide her but perhaps better psychological care than I can give her. How lonely is her existance? I get too tired to talk with her sometimes, to do things with her. I begin to look forward to her going to bed so I can have some time for me, yet I use this time to clean, do laundry etc. Do I give to her what she needs in the line of social stimulation? This show has done for me what nothing has in a long time, given me cause to ponder, to question, to re-evaluate my life and my mother's. To get real with myself to be honest.

November 9th
I took the day off from doing regular household stuff, got the trim painting done early in the morning and got mom up to waffles and eggs for breakfast. She was a bit grumpy at first but improved during the day. We played cards for awhile, then dice, then she watched me do some stenciling which pleased her alot, then we made cookies, had dinner and watched t.v. until bedtime. I must admit I was very tired but happy that mom and I spent time together today. I figure, what sense does it make to keep up the hoouse all the time if I don't have the energy to spend time with mom as a result of it. So, if my house isn't perfect, has dust, doggie foot prints, papers laying around, Oh Well. If people don't like it then by God they can come clean it for me.

November 10th
Happy Happy Joy Joy, Christmas is coming. I put up lights inside today, tomorrow I will tackle the outside ones. I am having a bazaar on the 21st and it will look very festive. I am also doing Thanksgiving shopping tomorrow since my son will be here to watch mom for me. I get so excited during the holidays, like a kid in a candy shop. They were never too good when I was growing up but since I became responsible for them they have been loads of fun. Mom is getting a cold so she didn't get up at all today, she watched t.v. in her room most of the day so she was still able to sleep tonight, although she didn't want to get ready for sleeping until 1:00 am, oh well.

November 11th
Mom still doesn't feel well, she is getting horse from coughing so much, has a headache and just feels like crap. She has no fever and is keeping her food down. I am catching it also, I was up most of the night coughing away and feeling like a Nyquil commerical. Just what we need, for both of us to get sick. YUCK. Mom and I have received more post cards from 'net' friends also, they sure are great 'pick me ups'.

November 12th
Today I received a card and letter from my guardian angel. Her name is Ginger and lives in Texas and is a part of my Sharing and Caring Group. It was a Thanksgiving card, included was a letter describing some very nice people that she has met through the S&C group, thanking me for having this site up and a $20 dollar bill. Ginger will never really know how much this Random Act of Kindness meant to me. Mom is still feeling pretty bad, coughing and such but I was able to give her a prescription cough medicine, however, I no health insurance, not even a doctor and I didn't have any money to get medicine with until I opened Ginger's letter. I was able to get cough syrup, aspirin and throat lozenges and even some soup for mom and I with that $20 dollar bill. Yes, I thought about just sending it back and thanking Ginger for the generous offer but I really felt that she wanted to do this or she would not have and I really needed it. So Ginger, from the bottom of my heart I thank you. We will meet one day, whether it be on this earth or another plain and I will remember you.

November 16th
I haven't updated in a few days because I have just been too sick. I don't know exactly what it is but I feel terrible, nothing specific but just in general. I have been extremely tired but unable to sleep, I ache all over, even my muscles hurt, vomiting off and on and this cough just will not leave me alone. Mom is doing much better, her cough is about gone, no temp., appetite up and just feeling fine, thank God. If I don't get better soon I am going to the health department and she if they can check me out, they have a clinic there. I sure appreciate all the cards, letters and post cards I have been getting, mom has the post cards on her walls, she loves to look at the pictures, dreaming of going there one day.

November 20th
Sorry I haven't been updating daily but with trying to get ready for this bazaar tomorrow and still not feeling good I have just been too pooped. I have been getting little to no sleep lately, due to mom, my cough, baking etc. We are also having strong winds again along with power outages and phone lines down. Mom is doing good now, she still has some cough left over but not bad. Yesterday she got up at 4:00 a.m. I put her down for a nap at 11:00, my friends came to help set for the bazaar, including a decorated tree and when mom woke up it was Christmas to her. It was really funny seeing her expression but she soon realized what was going on and just laughed at herself.

November 20th
Well, I got the house ready for the bazaar tomorrow, well today actually, it is 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. Thank God mom is sawing logs tonight, I got her up early and kept her up late so she would sleep in tomorrow giving me a chance to spend some time with the others that will be here. My house looks so good with all this stuff in it, good thing I can't afford to by it all or I would be in trouble. It will look so plain when all of it is gone, hopefully through sales!.LOL. Now all I have to do is sweep and mop in the morning after I let the dogs out in the garage for the day.

November 22nd
The bazaar went pretty well considering the weather, it was raining and very windy all day. I made $28 on baked goods, I didn't make any crafts this time I left that up to the others, they made pretty good money on their stuff too. The house really looked nice and smelled good with the apple cider simmering. We got several more postcards and letters yesterday also. Mom loves to look at the pictures on the postcards and re-reads them and the letters all the time. She is so impressed that people care enough to send them, she says 'See, there are still some nice people in the world.' I couldn't have said it better.

November 23rd
I spent the day just lounging around, trying to get better. Mom is doing pretty good now. Her cough and cold symptoms are all gone, now to get rid of mine. I took down all the bazaar stuff yesterday, thankfully, now for the others to come get what is theirs. We are having terrible weather, rain and high winds, my power keeps going off and stays off for several hours.

November 24th>
Today was a house work day, oh joy. I got it all done by morning and had the afternoon to anything I wanted. I got mom up at noon for lunch and a bath, boy did she love the feel of the warm water on her. She decided to go back to bed around 3:30 though, she said she didn't feel to chipper, she didn't get back up at all. I took her dinner, which she ate very well and even had seconds on so I don't think she is getting sick again, perhaps just tired from having been sick.

November 25th
I got most everything ready for tomorrow. My oldest son's in-laws, who are also my friends, are also coming for dinner. It will be fun to have a house full. We are planning on playing games while the girls watch Dr. Doolittle and of course football, I am as bad as the fellas when it comes to the games. Mom is getting excited about the 'big tado', she especially wants some fresh pumpkin pie.

November 26th

November 27th
I spent the entire day trying to get our Thanksgiving dishes done. My sink is totally stopped up, nothing will break it loose, we even went under the house and flushed the pipes but nothing, guess Roto-Rotor will have to come. In the meantime I am having loads of fun with piles of dishes. Mom stayed in bed all day today, yesterday was just too tiring for her, too much excitment.

November 28th
My poor old mailman..We got 10 letters and cards today!. Special thanks to Dorothy and Kate. He said he hopes this isn't an indication of what Christmas delivery to me will be like. LOL. Then asks if I am related to Santa, I told him not exactly but then they could be Elves instead of angels..He just laughed. Mom was thrilled to receive so many. A few people put in their pictures too, what fun matching names to faces. She said "None of them are goofey looking either"..LOL.

November 29th
I got out all my Christmas decorations today. Mom helped me go through them and decide where we would put them this year, of course they all went back in the same places as last year. Mom did pretty well today, it is the first time since Thanksgiving that she has been up longer than to use the toilet. We are getting our tree next weekend and mom is looking forward to going. There is a guy that dresses like Santa, he has been there for years and remembers mom everytime, he always comes over to the car with her cup of coffee and candy cane and gives her big hugs and kisses then sits by the car and visits with her while my son and I cut down our tree, she just loves it. Sometimes he takes her over to the petting zoo they have, depending on the weather. This year I am going to get her picture taken with Santa, a real keepsake.

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December 1998

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