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Home page : Other Journals : October
I have posted My Photo Album finally. I have the wedding photos added.
I have started a page, Sharing and Caring,
that contains e-mail addresses of those
that wish to network with others that are experiencing the same
troubles. If you would like to have your e-mail address included
please go back to HOME and provide the information.
I have also started a newsletter to keep people informed when a NEW address is added. If you would like to be informed, please subscribe below.
September 1
September 2
September3
September 4
September 5
September 6
September 7
September 8
September 9 Oh yeah, the technical term for what she has is DYSPHASGIA, along with; Severe arthritic spine and osteoporosis, Congestive Heart Disease, Myelodysplastic bone marrow syndrome, leukopenia, thrombocyopenia, Diverticulitis, B12 deficiency, chronic depression, anemia, Dementia with hallucinations-presumed vascular, Urinary incontinence, Chronic diarrhea, impaired vision and hearing and generalized pain. Quite a list.
September 10
September 12
September 13
September 14
September 15
September 16
September 17
September 18
September 19
September 20
September 21
September 22
September 23
September 24
September 25
I just got back from Kathy's funeral, the following was on her leaflet. It says more about Kathy than anything I could.
September 26
September 27
September 28
September 29
September 30 12:30am
Happy Labor Day. Well, yesterday proved to be another trying day.
Mom had kept me up the night before and didn't go back to sleep as
usual during the day. She was in a terrible mood all day and let
everyone have it. Her back is still hurting but I can't get her into
the doctor until Tuesday. She kept insisting that her doctor in
Washington would see her right away. I explained that we are in
Washington but of course I was lieing. She didn't like the food
either and got mad at having to pay for it when it wasn't good,
it was just too hard to chew. She can't understand why this place charges so much for their junk.
Mind you, I fixed dinner and didn't charge anything and it was hamburger.
I had to leave at 9:00pm because my grand-daughter, Kali,
had to go to the hospital last night. She fell back on a plastic cup
and landed right where a little girl shouldn't! She is o.k. but,
pretty sore. The doctor said she was lucky because she could have
been really hurt. Robert and Crystal had to put mom to bed because
I didn't get back until 11:15. Boy, they had a hard time of it.
Mom was being very mean to them. When I got back she heard me come in
and started in on me too. All of a sudden she couldn't move, couldn't do
anything. I had to lift her back into bed all the while she was yelling at me.
I was so relieved when she finally got to sleep, just so I didn't
have to listen to her for awhile. She slept until 7:00 this morning
and seems in a good mood today. GOD, please keep her in one.
Yesterday was a good day. Mom stayed in bed until afternoon which
gave me a chance to do some yard work. I needed to get out in the
sunshine and fresh air. Mom didn't keep me up as much the night
before so I was able to get a few hours sleep. I had my grand-daughter,
Jaide spend the night. We had fun. I rented Bogus with Whoppie Goldberg and
Beverly Hills Ninja with Chris Farley, they were both hilarious although Bogus had some sad moments.
We all ate popcorn until we just couldn't eat anymore. Mom was actually
ready to go to bed at 11:00, of course she had me come in three
times before midnight and four more times during the night, at least
Jaide slept through the noise. I was glad for the diversion that Jaide
gave me. She can always tell when my patience is wearing thin with
Granny, she makes me laugh, gives hugs and makes everything all better.
Dear God,
my one and only true friend is getting ready to leave this world.
Kathy was taken by ambulance to hospital last night. Her cancer has
advanced rapidly. The tumor in her stomach region is very large.
She is in alot of pain. She is so concerned for her mother and me.
I told her I would take care of her mom as much as I could, she has
become like a second mom to me. I layed awake all night thinking
about Kathy, praying for her, asking those questions that only you can
answer, wishing, hoping that her time would come quickly and ease
her pain. We talked about her death, she knows her daddy is waiting
there to guide her home, she is now prepared, packed and ready for
that last trip. Please take away any fear that she may have as her
time to pass approaches, wrap her in warmth and love the likes of
which she never felt while on earth. Give her the strength to let
go, so as not to linger, she has always been a strong person, don't
let her lose that strength now. Help her mom through this and forgive
her anger, she is feeling helpless right now, alone and afraid. Kathy
has always said that I am her rock, please help me stay strong for her,
broaden my shoulders to help carry this load, you said you would
not give us anything that we can not handle but, this one is going
to very heavy. Amen
Tuesday night was a hard night for me. I spent most of it at the hospital with Kathy, Crystal
watched mom for me and she was in bed by the time I got home. Yesterday was
equally as hard. Mom had her doctors appointment, she has a UTI and
was given antibiotics for it, she is retaining water very badly, her
Lasix was increased to 40mg per day however, the doctor wants an
echogram done, he feels she has developed Congestive Heart, a family
trait. He has also ordered a Home Health nurse to come out to do
a 'Swallowing Evaluation', he feels it may be time for her to go on
a G-tube. She is able to eat and her nutrition level is good but, she
chokes on almost everything. This is a hard decision as moms Living Will
prohibits this measure and I, having her POA must decide if this falls
into this category. The doctor also had me get ibuprofen for day pain
and another for night pain with a sleep aide added. This helped her
sleep well through the night last night. I talked with Kathy this morning,
she has been put on morphine and a pain patch. She is going to Hospice Care
in a couple days. She has refused all other treatment. I am going to see her this
afternoon. Please keep her in your prayers.
The nurse came yesterday to evaluate mom. I decided that for now,
we will try a thickening agent with her foods and puree the others. The speech pathologist agreed with this instead of a G-tube. It seems to be working already. She hasn't choked on anything since starting this. I went up to the hospital to visit Kathy last night, she seems to be doing o.k. The pain medication is keeping her comfortable and in good humor. I also found out that another friends mom was in ICU, comatose from something with her liver, I went to see her after seeing Kathy, I was unable to not being family, however, as I was passing the other rooms I heard a familiar voice, stopped to see who it was and low and behold it was Merv, the fella I was taking care of for several months. He had just been admitted. He had a colonoscopy done early in the day and was walking down to get a chest x-ray, stopped in the bathroom first and passed out so they admitted him. He started crying when he realized it was me, he said he thinks about us all the time and really misses being at my house. I feel so bad for him. I hope he will be O.K. I also found out that my grand-daughters uncle has inoperable Prostrate Cancer which has spread to the colon. I pray the doctors find a treatment for him. Another friends husband is dying of stomach cancer also. He is at about the same place as Kathy. After all the years of research into cancer one would think that something could be done about it by now.
Yesterday was pretty good with mom. She isn't complaining about her back anymore and the swelling in her legs is going down. She is sleeping better also. Hopefully she will be back in a normal sleep pattern once she stops her medication. I wasn't able to go to the hospital yesterday but, I am going today. Kathy doesn't sound very well this morning and she is being transferred to Hospice sometime today, I also want to see Merv. It has been so nice to get some sleep, I just have to get my sleep pattern fixed now :-). I want to thank all of you who have sent me notes of prayer and strength for Kathy, I am taking them to her today.
I finally got a chance to go out last night and I took it! The day had been bad enough with mom being in one of her bad moods all day and Kathy being transferred to Hospice. I really needed to get away from all of it. I ran into a lot of old friends, some I hadn't seen in along time. It was nice seeing everyone, althougth it made me more lonely than I already am. I miss everyone alot but, I don't miss the drinking!!! After last night I remembered why I quit in the first place. Mom was in bed when I got home but, just like clock work she was up at 4:00am, thinking it was afternoon and wanting to know why I wanted her to sleep all day. She refused to believe that it was still morning so out to the livingroom she tried to come. I didn't turn on the lights and when she saw how dark it was outside she went back to bed. Thank God. Hopefully she'll be in a good mood today, we have to go see Kathy this afternoon.
Mom never did get in a good mood yesterday. She slept all day except to eat dinner and even then she was in a bad mood. She took a tumble last night when going to bed, thank God she fell into the chair rather than right to the floor. She didn't get hurt but, it did shake her up. She has been getting dizzy alot lately. I think it is because she is urinating alot and not replacing the fluids. She refuses to drink very much water, all she wants is coffee and doesn't drink all of it either. I have a call into her doctor to start her on Ensure, it provides nutrition and fluids so maybe it will help. Kathy has asked that her friends visit often, she wants them around alot now. Her pain meds. have been increased as the tumor has grown alot, about the size of a honeydew melon and her leg is very swollen from the cancer in her lymph node. She had gotten very weak but, remains in good humor, just like her, making everyone else laugh.
Yesterday was o.k. Mom stayed in bed most of the day. She was very dizzy all day. I kept pushing fluids on her, which she drank reluctantly. She got up for dinner and watched some t.v. with us, there was no problem getting her to go to bed and she slept through the night, in fact, she is still in bed. She still doesn't want to eat much, she doesn't like the food any more because there is little to no texture. Decision: Do I let her eat her foods the way she wants and chance her choking to death, continue blending and thickening them and let her starve to death, get her a G-tube which I know she doesn't want!!!
Boy did I have fun yesterday. I tore down a wall in my livingroom that was a very large closet. I have so much more room now. Mom was up, sitting in her chair watching me and joking about what I was doing. I'm serious, it made me feel so much better. A friend once said she hits a pillow to get her frustrations out, well I can tell you my frustrations are completely gone. No, I'm not going to go around a tear down all my walls :-) however, I do have another one that I want removed, I'll save it until I need it. Mom was in a good mood all day yesterday, what a relief. She was getting around a lot better, not so dizzy and her legs have gone down quite alot. It doesn't hurt her to walk nearly as much as it was. I am going to try to get her to go see Kathy with me today, just to get her out of the house for awhile.
Mom was good yesterday. She started being in a sad mood because she had a dream that my older brother was calling for her and she couldn't get to him and she was scared for him. We called him and after that she was o.k. I had my grand-daughters for the afternoon and mom was having fun playing with them and watching them carry on. I took my oldest one, Jaide, with me to see Kathy. Kathy has always loved them like they were hers and she was so happy to see Jaide. Jaide is a very smart 7 year old and she and Kathy were talking about her dieing but, Jaide told her not to worry because they would still be able to talk to each other like she does with grandma Margaret and aunt Eleanor. They held each other and laughed.
Mom didn't get up until nearly 4:00pm yesterday. She has been doing really well lately, in a good mood most of the time. We watched to movies last night, Rosewood really upset mom. I didn't realize it would until it was too late. She thought it was terrible that s--t was still going on. I explained that it was a movie but,....She was confused about where she was most of the day. I went to see Kathy, she isn't doing well at all, very weak and hungry.
Sorry this page is late getting posted, my server has been down all weekend due to the weather here. As for Saturday, everything was pretty good. Mom is doing better eating and swallowing, she's paying more attention to what she is doing, I have taken her away from the t.v. during meals which really helped. Her legs fluctuate some but, all in all are much better than they have been. She is still having trouble with her sleep pattern, although it has improved.
Yesterday was a nice kicked back day. My grand-daughters spent the night and slept in. Mom was happy to see them again when she got up. I realize mom has been in a good mood lately due to her B-12 shot. Every time she gets low in B-12 her mood gets really bad, then a few days after getting her shot she is better. I had forgotten this until reviewing my other journal pages, glad I have them. Knock on wood, things are pretty good here, it is kinda scarey since I am not used to things going smoothly.
Mom had a pretty rough night last night. She was very confused and didn't know where she was or how she got here. It was hard for her to get to sleep because she was afraid. She didn't get up until 3:30 this afternoon. I went to see Kathy today. She is slipping fast. She now has pnuemonia, severe pain and medicating alot. I wish God would just take her and let this pain be gone. She is ready to go and is looking forward to it.
Mom had another rough night. She was packing most of the night in order to be ready when her ride got here to take her home. I finally got her to lay down around 3am. with the promise that I would wake her when they got here. It must be so scarey for her never really knowing where she is. Kathy isn't having visitors today. She is starting on morphine today and wants to be alone except for her mother. She has made peace with all those that she felt she needed forgivness from, she has seen Mickey, he is waiting for her and is just beautiful. God is with her.
Mom was great yesterday. She got up at noon, in a good mood and pretty much knowing where she is. Her confusion increased as the day went on but, it wasn't too bad. Her legs are still doing good and her back doesn't hurt any more. We are going to take a ride today if the weather holds. It has been pouring and very windy, we even had three tornados touch down not far from here. Washington and Oregon don't see many tornados. Mom thinks it is going to snow alot this winter, she feels it in her bones, she may be right.
Mom didn't get up until 4:30 yesterday afternoon. She was very confused, looking for her daughter Denise (me). She finally remembered me but, was afraid I would leave her again at this strange place. She was afraid to eat anything unless I did because she didn't know these people very well so, I had two lunches. She was ready for bed at 10:00 and started to get ready to go to sleep in her chair, she didn't know they had made up a bed for her to use. I got her into her room and she recognized where she was, although, she didn't know how she got there. She was happy to be home and very tired from the long trip, she slept through the night.
Kathy passed away this morning at 8:00a.m. in her sleep. She had been having a hard time sleeping all night, when she would doze off, she would wake up, staring up towards the ceiling, talking with someone. He was in alot of pain so they gave her two shots, Kathy fought the affects of the medication, saying she wasn't ready, then at 7:00 she asked for a shot, told her mom she should get some sleep too. Her mom awoke, startled, at 8:00 to find Kathy had gone to sleep for the last time.
Yesterday was a hard day. I was able to see Kathy for our last good-bye before the mortuary took her. I spent the morning with her mom and some of her family. My mom was still sleeping when I got back, Crystal was watching her, she finally got up at 4:00pm. I got her dressed and we took off for several hours. We had dinner out and stopped by a friends house to visit for awhile. Mom was so sweet, she was trying to be very supportive in light of Kathy's passing, she even stayed in a good mood and pretty much in her right mind all evening. I realized why I hate AD so much. It isn't just that it takes away our loved ones ability to comprehend what is going on around them, nor is it that it takes away their recall and memories, it is more selfish than that. It has taken away my ability to tell my mother all those things that I should have told her, that I need to tell her, that I will regret not having told her when she does die. I want her to know that I do forgive her for the mistakes that were made in my childhood, that I really do love her. I need to know that she forgives me for the things I have done that hurt her, I need to hear her say I love you, knowing who she is talking to. AD comes on so fast that by the time one realizes it, accepts it and learns to deal with it, it is too late for these discussions to take place. I thank God that I had learned these lessons in time to tell Kathy that I forgave her and to hear her forgive me, to tell her I loved her and hear her say she loved me. I will not let another minute go by waiting to tell someone something, that minute may be the last minute I have.
Yesterday was a pretty uneventful day. I just puttered around the house until mom got up at 5:30pm. The only reason she got up was because I had my grand-daughters here. I don't know why she doesn't get up for me, she slept all through the night so I know it isn't because of a lack of sleep. She either sleeps all the time or she is up all the time. At least her good mood is holding. Her confusion is also holding on, she still doesn't know where she is most of the time. I feel her AD has progressed in the past three weeks.
Mom was very confused all day yesterday, still is. She knows were she is yet, she wants to know
when she is going home, what time the bus leaves, where does grandma pick her up?? Mom used to
take the train or the Greyhound down to Fresno every other month or so to visit my grandma. We
moved from California to Washington in 1978 and mom went down until 1987 by herself. She would
go with us also if we were going for vacation or something but, if not she would go and did fine. I
guess she is stuck back in those days. She often wonders how she got here, maybe this explains it. I
can usually bring her back but, not this time. She really scared me last night. She got up to use the
bathroom, pretty soon she yelled for me, I went in and she was sitting back against the toilet,
breathing hard, sweating and totally white. She couldn't walk so Robert carried her to her chair. Her
pulse was normal but weak and the sweat was pouring off her. She was o.k. after about an hour but,
it was scary. She said she had felt this coming on for several days. She slept well through the
night.
Mom was still in Fresno yesterday as far as she was concerned. I realized why she sometimes has 'accidents', she thinks she is in a strange place, doesn't know where the toilet is and/or doesn't want to ask permission to use it. She was wet when I had her come to the table at dinner, I told her we needed to go change and she apolozied saying, " I wasn't sure where the bathroom was and didn't want to bother anyone. This is a strange house to me and I don't like to use other peoples bathrooms without asking first." I remember when I was a kid, going to visit people and she would always ask if she could use the bathroom. I'll have to start asking her every few hours if she needs to go. She would never use public toilets out of fear of catching something. I'll have to remember that also. It is strange how AD can take away ones memory yet not affect learned habits and patterns of behavior.
Yesterday was an o.k. day. Mom didn't get up until 3:00 so I spent the day doing yard work and thinking about Kathy. Her viewing was yesterday and her services are today. I did not go to the viewing, I saw her Saturday morning, shortly after she died and we said our final good-byes then. This is how I want to remember her, not the way funeral homes make people up. I am going to plant a Dahlia garden for Kathy, she loved them. Mom was in a pretty good mood when she got up. Still confused but, not as bad as she has been. Robert and Crystal were gone to his football practice so we just watched t.v. and talked. It was pleasant.
Please do nor grieve and shed wild tears
And hug your sorrow
to you through the years,
But start out bravely
with gallant smile
And for my sake and in my name
Live on and do all the things the same,
Feed not your loneliness on empty days,
But fill each waking hour in useful ways,
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer,
And I in turn will comfort you
and hold you near;
And never, never be afraid to die,
For I am waiting for you in the sky!
by - Helen Steiner Rice
Thank God yesterday is over. It was a very hard one. Kathy was laid to rest next to her daddy, I know she was at peace. Mom stayed home with Crystal and was up when I got home. She was in a good mood all day and evening. She wasn't too confused, she knew where I had been and was sad for me. We talked for awhile, then she reached up her arms for a hug, it felt so good. I laid my head in her lap like I did when I was a kid and she scratched my back for me and stroked my hair. My mom was there for awhile.
Yesterday was just o.k. I came down with a cold that I have been fighting for a week now. It really has kicked my butt. I am so tired, it is hard to stay awake. I slept most of the day since mom was still in bed, we both woke up at the same time. This thing has a nasty cough to it that keeps me coughing all night, my throat is sore and my gland is swollen. Mom is worried. She wants to help me and actually has been. She got me some water, tissues and tried to get me coffee but, it was too hard for her to pour. I pray that she doesn't get this. She has been doing pretty good, except for the increased confusion. Her legs look pretty good now and her UTI is cleared up.
Mom was in a pretty good mood all day. She kept asking what kind of medicine she could get me for my cold, did I need anything, etc. She is trying to be the MOM. I am glad that she is feeling well now days. Her constant confusion is worrisome, signals advancement but, I am prepared.
Mom has sure been off-the-wall lately. She was asking if the trains were still allowed here at my depot, we were watching a movie about a ship wreck and she thought I was worried about my daughter on the boat and that it was actually happening, she keeps telling me that Robert got married and I should have been there, every 5 minutes she asks what town we are in, are we on the Alaska Penninsula or Canada, where are the babies, when are the dogs getting out of the hospital and they are sitting right in front of her. God, I feel like I am going crazy. I am trying to patient with her but, Job I'm not. This has been going on for days now and only getting worse.
Well, things certainly are getting interesting. Mom is sure that we are all going to jail when "she" gets home because we are all here. Mom didn't want to go to bed because "she" would be mad. I am not sure who "she" is, however "she" sleeps in my room, drives my car and has the same furniture I have. Mom went somewhere within her mind and I can't seem to get her back this time. She sees people that aren't there and confuses those that really are there with people that aren't. O.K. have I totally confused you now too? :-)I swear, mom had me so mixed up earlier that I began to believe her! I am in for another all nighter. Even mom's meds. haven't helped calm her down. She is so anxious about whatever she thinks is going to happen that she is shaking and getting sick to her stomach. At present mom thinks she has taken the bus here to visit and the driver scared her but, it only cost 25 cents so what can you expect. Hopefully HBO will have some good movies on tonight.
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visitor since Sept. 17, 1996