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Today its January 1st 2000 and I really did not think I would be back to within about 10 lbs of my original starting weight. Though why I should be surprised it has happened it completely beyond me considering the amount I have been eating over the last couple of years! I could spends ages going round and round as to why it had happened. I remember when I got down to target weight I was so determined that I would not regain the weight. I had lost weight in the past only to regain it and the feeling of despondency that accompanies that weight gain was something I never wanted to experience again. I loved being 140-145 lbs I felt lithe, supple, as if I was on top of the world BUT THEN it began to creep back. The binges started and each time I managed to go back on the diet so we settled into a binge/diet regime for a month or so until it just became binge/binge and eventually I'm back up to about 266 lbs and hating it. Its not that I do not want to be slimmer but I seem almost incapable of trying. My husband points out quite rightly that 'I did it before and that my will-power was incredible' but why can I not do it now. I think its a question of motivation of a sort but it has to be the right kind. For some reason going to Italy for my holiday this year and wanting to wear a nice swimming costume, plus not sweat like a beached whale does not seem to be motivation enough. I'm waiting for that 'click' to drop in but I think I shall just try splitting myself in two for the time being. Mrs. Mum and Mrs. Little girl and just tell myself that NO I'm not going to eat any more than I truly need.
All that has gone before
Well what can I say. All my protestations of how I was going to knuckle down and lose the weight I had gained came to nothing and I now weight several pounds more than I did last time I wrote. Nothing at the moment seems to motivate me and I seem hell-bent on a weight gaining course. Today (20-06-99) I'm going to try and ignore food for the day. I was thinking the other day I cannot remember what it felt like to be hungry - in fact I cannot remember what it felt like to be anything less than 'full'. I don't mean to sound like I'm wallowing in self pity because I'm not. The reason I gained all back so much weight is all my own fault because I chose to overeat all the wrong things. If I had really stuck to a sensible diet when I first lost my weight back in 1997 I would still be reasonably slim but I chose to overeat all the wrong things. I'd like to sound terribly positive and wax lyrical about how I was going to pull my socks up etc., plus any other cliches I could think of but I don't think thats going to work. I just have to get on with it so here is where I start. June journal here I come
The record of my earlier weight loss attempts
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