Reach orgasm? How do you know when you've reached orgasm? -- Unsure --------------------------------------------------------------------- ---. Dear Unsure, Orgasm is a reflex, usually accompanied by pleasurable feelings, that occurs when the body has had sufficient effective sexual stimulation. Orgasm reverses the bodily processes of increased blood flow into the genitals and muscular tension that occur during sexual arousal, allowing the body to go back to its unaroused state. Orgasm is a full body response. For men, the rhythmical contractions occur along the penis, urethra, prostate gland, seminal vesicles and muscles in the pelvic and anal areas, and is usually accompanied by ejaculation. For women, contractions occur in the lower part of the vagina and in the uterus, in the pelvic region and anus. However where the contractions occur, and what sensations you experience are two different things. Each person has different sensations each time orgasm occurs- changes in breathing, a feeling of warmth, sweating, body vibrations, altered consciousness, or need/desire to moan or cry out are common experiences for women. Many women would say about orgasm -- "I don't know how to describe it, but I know it when I feel it." Some women orgasm but are not aware of it. They think that what is happening to them is too tame to be considered an orgasm. It is important to concentrate on what you DO feel, rather than to discount your experience by comparing it to an imagined sensation. Women can teach themselves to orgasm by touching their vulva and clitoris in pleasurable ways until the intensity turns to sexual release. If you are not sure if you are experiencing an orgasm, consider reading "For Yourself," by Lonnie Barbach (the orgasm bible) and then talking with a Health Educator at Healthwise (call x4-5453). Orgasm is not a magical gift someone gives you, it is a physiological response that is learned through time, patience, and skill. The Making of an Intense Orgasm I have answered this question a zillion times for people who want to know, ``How can I have the ultimate orgasm?'' Well the answer is what I call the ``START/STOP'' method. This method works for both males and females alike.....it has nothing to do with what sex organ you have.....or don't have. It is an easy technique, but you need strict concentration and control, and it may take some practice to implement it with intercourse separate from masturbation. In time you will get the hang of it and enjoy the experience. First off.....you need to be horny and really be having a good time either making love or masturbating. Do what you have always done to get to this point. Here is where the training starts: There you are ready to have one of your ordinary orgasms but just at the point of orgasm.....STOP! Yes, STOP. Let the feeling for an orgasm subside.....it only takes a few minutes and if you are masturbating keep fantasizing or whatever you are doing to stay horny.....and for those making love.....concentrate on your partner for a few minutes and forget about your orgasm. Next.....start this process all over and again bring yourself to the point of almost having an orgasm.....then again.....STOP. Yes, stop again. Let the urge to have the orgasm go away again. This is going to take some fantastic self control.....but the best is yet to come. Start up again and ge to the point of having another orgasm. You will notice that the intensity of wanting to orgasm is getting better and better and harder to control.....but don't give up here.....you need to STOP again. Let the feeling subside.....it only takes a few minutes and then you are back at it again bringing you to that point of exploding. THE OBJECT IS TO DO THIS ``STOP-START'' PROCEDURE FROM 4-6 TIMES BEFORE HAVING THE ACTUAL ORGASM.....YES 4-6 STOP/STARTS. When you have done this stop-start procedure at least 4 times.....then you are ready to let it go. But be ready as there is going to be such intensity to the orgasm you are not going to believe it. There is going to be an intense spasm in your penis/vagina, increased flow of fluids.....(meaning your ejaculants are going to be 100% more than normal).....and you are going to be more satisfied than you have ever been having an orgasm. Regain erection after orgasm? Are there methods through which men can regain their erection quickly following orgasm? --Back for more --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Dear Back for more, Most men have a waiting period after orgasm before they can regain their erection. Alternatively, with some men, the "refractory period" after orgasm may be so brief that erection occurs again, and intercourse continues, without the penis leaving the vagina. In general, the length of the refractory period increases with age and differs from individual to individual and occasion to occasion. If a man continues to have sexual stimulation after reaching orgasm, the refractory period will generally get longer with each orgasm. A few men have been reported (in Kinsey sex studies) to have multiple orgasms before having a refractory period, but this involved withholding ejaculation, and the orgasms were described as "mini-orgasms". A full orgasm with ejaculation was always followed by a refractory period. Increased stimulation can shorten the duration of the refractory period. Successive introductions of new female partners for example, can keep male laboratory animals performing for prolonged periods of time. Manual or oral contact by your partner may help speed up the recovery time, but as it has been noted that the number of men who can have two orgasms within a short time is not very high, you may want to consider patiently pleasing your partner while anticipating the next round. Semen has to go somewhere Alice...You've said that there is no medical concern if a man goes without orgasm for up to a year. Well, I have NEVER had a wet dream in my life, and if I don't have regular ejaculations, I get prostate and/or urinary infections! It's been this way for 30 years. (I'm 48 yrs. old). Going without orgasm seems to cause a build-up of seminal fluid that goes nowhere. Is this common? Stuffed-up --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Dear Stuffed-up, Arousal does not always lead to a build up in fluid, or a need for release through ejaculation. Research shows that what goes up must come down, eventually. For you, if you find that orgasm keeps you healthy, Bravo! The research, however, shows no ill effects from a lack of orgasm. Often young men in high school, however, use the threat of blue balls or lover's nuts, (being stuck in high arousal without orgasm), to get their dates to somehow "get them off", yet no ill effects will result without orgasm at that time, and they can orgasm alone at a later time that evening, or not at all, without threat of negative health consequences. So while orgasm is healthy, it is not crucial to a person's health or life. In my best information, the body takes care of itself. For example, if a man does not masturbate, his body will find a way to release what is inside as with wet dreams. Again, in your case, you seem to have found a good solution for yourself. Stay well! No orgasms for girlfriend Alice, Hi, I'm not from the USA, so you may call me "the foreigner boy." I'm a 20 year old male...I have a lovely nice 19.5 year old girlfriend for the past 2 years and I love her very much! We've started making love after 6 months we've been together and we had oral sex since the very beginning of the relationship. My girlfriend was a virgin before we met and me too. The problem is that: She never reaches orgasm! We really did try it all...it's very very disturbing because she doesn't understand what's the BIG DEAL??? And I really really want her to have orgasms but she just can't reach it....We really did try it ALL! She tried to masturbate alone a few times and still had the same feeling...I don't say she doesn't have fun but she never really reaches the Peak! It seems as if she is stopping herself from having orgasm. Any secret I haven't read or heard about could be helpful! Thank you for your time! --Foreigner Boy --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Dear Foreigner Boy, It is not unusual for a young woman in the beginning of her sexual life to be pre-orgasmic. In fact, it is not unusual for many women to be pre-orgasmic for much of their lives. With all the hype around orgasm, those women who don't orgasm feel like they're missing something. Women can try to reach orgasm by masturbating, reading books about it, asking a partner to help, attending a preorgasmic women's group (sometimes offered at Columbia through Healthwise, call 4-5453). It's important, though, that orgasm doesn't become a performance pressure for your girlfriend. The fact that she still enjoys sex and being intimate with you without orgasming is a good sign. Familiarizing herself with what orgasms are like for women, and reading a few good books might help, and when she and her body are ready, the time will come. Two good books are "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality" by Lonnie Barbach, published by Doubleday and "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving" by Betty Dodson, published by Crown Books. Also, you can see Alice's answers to previous questions, No orgasms with intercourse, Difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasm, No stimulation from intercourse, Woman's orgasm difficult?, and Reach orgasm?, for more information. Boyfriend can't orgasm or ejaculate Dear Alice, I don't know what to do! My boyfriend has no trouble becoming sexually aroused around me, but when we try to have sex, he just doesn't seem to be able to actually have an orgasm and ejaculate. He only has had one with hand stimulation when hand cream is involved, but not otherwise. Oral sex does not even work. This is very frustrating; he tells me it's his fault but I feel like it's mine. Plus, he says he didn't have as much trouble with his past girlfriends, but that he cares about me so much more than them. I'm really confused. Is there anything either one of us can do? --Frustrated --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Dear Frustrated, Number #1: It is NOT his fault. It is Not your fault. No one is to blame for your current sexual situation. Once you take off the pressure and reframe this as part of your relationship (a challenge to be worked on), the stress and frustration associated with "having a problem" will dissipate. There are a lot of reasons why a man may not orgasm and ejaculate in a prescribed way. It may be physical, or it may be drug-related, prescription or non-prescription. It may be because of strong religious injunctions and guilt; the idea of not wanting to surrender to a woman; or even fear of pregnancy. Or it may be that you are different for him than other women he's been with, and that the closeness he feels to you makes him more anxious during sex than in the past. Try enjoying the sex play that the two of you do together, without the expectation of orgasm. Work on spending time together being close. Let him pleasure you, without you trying to take care of his pleasure. Take the pressure off ejaculation and orgasm. Once you two feel close enough again, it may be that naturally he will be able to orgasm. If not, pick a time (not while in bed!) to discuss what's been going on. Ask him what it would mean to him to orgasm with you. Talk to him about what it means to you that he doesn't ejaculate inside of you. Make sure you're both open and honest, and working on the same wavelength. For more information, see Alice's answers to Boyfriend has trouble ejaculating and No orgasm with partner. You can also contact AASECT, the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists for brochures or a referral to talk to someone in your area. They're at (319)895-8407, P.O. Box 238, Mt. Vernon, Iowa, 52314. At Columbia, make an appointment to see Judith Steinhart at Healthwise, a certified sex therapist and educator. Call her at 4-5453. Too much masturbation affect orgasms? Dear Alice, Hi! I have a question about orgasm. I'm a female who has masturbated since her early teens and wonder if I've "overdone" it somewhat. I did it so frequently (sometimes, every other day or so; sometimes I waited longer) that now that I'm in my early 20s, I find it harder to reach orgasm, and harder to have multiple orgasms (it used to come so easily to me). Have I "lost" that momentum? Can I regain it if say, I stopped masturbating for several weeks or months? Also, my partner stimulates me manually or with his tongue, and I haven't been able to "come" yet...is it because I've masturbated too much? Do women take longer to come? I think he gets bored doing it...Thanks, Trying to reach orgasmic plateau again --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Dear Trying to reach orgasmic plateau again, Don't you worry! The amount of masturbation you are talking about is no where near an obsessive point, and can have no lasting effects on your current or future ability to have orgasms. Many women however, do have difficulty reaching orgasm either by themselves or with a lover. In terms of your own masturbation, it may be the guilt or worry that you masturbate, or have masturbated, too much that is making it harder for you to reach orgasm. If this is the case you need to put mind over body now that you know that your amounts of masturbation are not excessive. As far as multiple orgasms, remember that many times, one orgasm can be plenty. Try not to put pressure on yourself to perform and have more than one all the time. It's not as if you "ought" to have more than one orgasm--not every woman can even have more than one orgasm in succession, so in actuality, you're lucky that you CAN do it some of the time. Lastly, in terms of not being able to orgasm with your partner, here's a few reasons that might be causing you to be stuck: You may be too busy thinking about abstractions while he's stimulating you... why you aren't having an orgasm yet, what your boyfriend thinks of you, that your boyfriend might be bored, whether he can last until you come, etc.. You might be better off focusing on the sensations rather than the thoughts. You might be feeling yourself becoming aroused, but are afraid that you won't have an orgasm, and you don't want to get into the hassle of trying, so you end up repressing your sexual response. You might be afraid of asking too much of your lover and seeming too demanding. You might be afraid that if your lover concentrates on your pleasure, you will feel such pressure to come that you won't be able to--and then you don't. You might be in deep conflict about, or angry at, the person you are sleeping with. Unconsciously then, you withhold orgasm as a way of withholding yourself from your boyfriend. You may feel guilty about your own sexuality, and so can't let yourself really enjoy it with your boyfriend. If any of this rings true, it might help just to realize what's been going on. It may also take some additional inner work, thought and/or discussion with your partner. Not having an orgasm with your boyfriend is in some way "holding it in", and you need to figure out what it is that's bothering you. You can make an appointment with a counselor if you some help (4-2468), or it may be simply reconciling with yourself and/or your partner in some way. Remember that none of this has anything to do with the amount of masturbation you've done--it's much more an issue of mind over body.... April 10, 1995