Words cannot explain how well the dinner went last night. Let’s just say this guy is a 10!!!! Chris is absolutely gorgeous and has a wonderful sense of humor and personality. This guy is a salmon not guppy here. We met at the Olive Garden. Funny thing is that when I got there I thought he wasn’t there so I waited in the lobby. Then he stepped out of the men’s bathroom and I said “Chris?” and he said “Kellie?” We then sat in the bar for a little while before getting a table and just talked. We made it to the table and then proceeded to talk for 4 hours straight. We then got kicked out of Olive Garden so he walked me out to my rental car and he asked to give me a hug. It was a nice big hug and it felt damn good. Then I asked to drive him to his truck and we then talked for another 45 minutes. We held each others hands and then he kissed me on my forehead and my hand and told me how he’s going to take down his profile when he gets home because he is looking forward to getting to know me better. We are going to see each other Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, movies at his place, Sunday movies at the Theatre. This is the total abbreviated version but this guy is totally awesome and I’m looking forward to getting to know him better. I’ll write more about him later but I’m tired and I’ve been on cloud nine all day (nor am I wipping this smile off my face!). This feels good. Heck, can they bottle these feelings? Take care all-Kellie
February 25, 2003
Someone has a dinner engagement…it’s me! Okay, so a lot has happened in the last week. I have a dinner get to know you better than with a person that I met online. I found his profile online at one of those dating sites and I thought “what the heck, I’ll email him” because I thought he was attractive and we have similar interests. So he emailed me back and since then we have been conversing on the computer and the phone. So he asked me out to dinner and I thought, why not because I need to meet people? I promise that I will be taking every safety precaution as possible. He’s my age, a widower, works in management at a popular chain store, has his own home, etc. He’s got brown hair, hazel eyes, glasses, weighs about 198 and is 5’11. He seems to have a good sense of humor so this is a major plus; I’m really looking forward to meeting him. We’re meeting at Olive Garden tomorrow night at 7pm. Wish me luck guys…! Even if we don’t hit it off maybe we’ll have an awesome friendship, because I’m not looking for definition here. As for the cute outpatient therapist…well, he’s a nice guy but he simply does not have his ducks in row. The latest bomb that he dropped on me that he’s in recovery from drugs so he’s totally out. Sorry but I have strict rules, no drugs or recovery. I’ll continue to be my cordial self to him but it’s sad that someone so nice just doesn’t have it together. Oh well, he was a guppy and I’m looking for a salmon right now. That’s my philosophy on men…there’s a lot of guppies out there but only a few salmons so I’m after the prize.
Since I went to Detroit this past weekend, I wasn’t able to weigh in. Curves scale states that I’m 164 and my scale says I’m around 158. I’ve been eating a ton of Trader Joe stuff. I found their Rice, Bean, Chicken Burrito and their rice bowls rather yummy. Plus, it’s so fast to make the stuff…just pop it into the microwave.
My truck broke down yesterday. The intake manifold gasket is shot so it’s going to take a week to fix it. Luckily it happened on the way to work and I was able to make it there. I left the truck there overnight and I grabbed a ride home and to work. I took it over to the radiator shop this morning and the guy indicated that it wasn’t the radiator the intakemanifold. So I had to rent a car to get to and from work since I’m oncall this weekend. The total cost is going to be around $625 for the truck to be fixed plus the car rental. You know, there’s a law that prevents you from ever getting ahead. At least it didn’t happen on the way home from Detroit because I would have been in major trouble. Yup, I went to Detroit this past weekend with Carrie and Dennis. Carrie and I did some major resale shopping on Saturday. I got a ton of clothes from the Salvation Army and Value World. I love resale. We went bowling and I actually got a Turkey. That was my first turkey ever. I also found a vintage jeweled Kit Cat Clock limited edition from the 50s…now that was a true find. I guess it’s worth about $200…not bad, er? Well take care all-Kellie
February 15, 2003
Had a nice week this week. Not too much went on. I think my loss is going to be big this week because my scale indicates that I am 160 so their scale might say I’m 165 possibly? I’ll find out in a couple of hours if my oncall pager doesn’t go off. I’m oncall this weekend until Sunday at 11 am. I’m doing all of these oncall shifts to bank up the extra money. It’s really coming in handy. The only thing that I hate about oncall is that it holds me up all weekend long. I was hoping to do something this weekend but I figure that I should just stay close to home. Maybe I will hit the bookstore if I am lucky. A coworker and I are going to see a movie on Sunday. Daredevil of course so I know that will be fun.
As for exercise, things are going great at curves. It’s amazing to watch my body transform during this process. The one area that I would like to improve is my stomach and arm areas. I need to starting using the free weights again to strengthen my arm area because I see some sagging.
Okay, I think my crush is gay. Though, I pride myself on an excellent gaydar I think he slipped through the cracks. I don’t have anything to back this feeling up except intuition but something is not right. Oh, and he was going to hang out with his bisexual friend from Indiana. So that made me think too, what person is going to drive 4 hours to Michigan to spend time with just a friend on Valentines Day Weekend (gave me a caution flag) and when he mentioned this friend, his hole face was beaming? Something’s up there and then I started to think what 32 year old guy, who has never been married, hangs out with a bisexual guy on Valentines Day!?!? Another gay guy. Okay, I might me stereotyping here but the guys I know would never hang out with a guy who is bi. You know, initially I did think he was gay possibly so I better stick to that feeling. Then another red flag came up. I had the opportunity to walk with him yesterday and through the course of conversation I found out that he was in major in debt. We’re not talking just a little bit of debt but a $70,000 in debt from school and other loans. So even if he was not gay, the debt is just too overwhelming for me. I’m at one point in my life that I’m financially stable looking to buy a house in the next two years and he isn’t on the same page as I. Then the other outpatient therapist who was going to try to set us up approached him yesterday morning and he told her not to “push it” (I don’t know what that means) but I take it as telling me that he’s just not interested. Gut is telling me to have this dude as a good friend and not pursue any type of romantic relationship with him because I wouldn’t want to put him nor myself in an awkward position. So that’s where I’m at. I’m okay with it too…at first kind of disappointed but at this time, a new friend would be a welcomed sight also. Though, I will keep you all updated on this.
I wish I had more to write this morning but I don’t. I think I’m just kind of overwhelmed from the week and I’m looking forward to going to Detroit next week. That will be some nice relaxation time. I need to get out of West Michigan for a bit. Things are just getting too strange and a nice break from reality would be nice. Take care all, Kellie
February 9, 2003
Wow, what a week. In all I drove over 1400 miles with my Blazer in 8 days so I was happy to have a calm weekend. Even though I was on call on Saturday till this morning at 11:00 am, it was quiet. I rented some videos, cleaned my place, and vegetated. I was planning on driving to a book store but I decided against that because when you live in West Michigan you get this lovely stuff called Lake Effect Snow and it’s not worth driving in. So that’s my weekend thus far. Of course, I managed to get in some shopping in on Saturday. I hit Kohl’s and got some major clearance bargains there. I managed to get two pair of flannel PJs for $4.95, a hat for $1.95, a shoe kit for $4.50, and a robe for $7.00…not bad huh? At Goodwill I found some summer clothing and I found a beautiful new Casual Corner dress for $2.99. Now that is thrifty shopping. I need to purge the closet once again of my heavier items but I’ve been too lazy to post some stuff on ebay. Maybe I will get off my butt and do that today. I actually have a ton of stuff to get rid of. I think I’ve been in a funk recently with ebay because I’ve had two sour transactions…anytime you get a sour transaction, it leaves me in that non-motivational way of asking myself “Why am I doing this?”. Besides, Ebay is really saturated now. It’s not like the olden days where you could make some serious dough as a seller. For buyers, stuff actually goes for pretty cheap. Humm, I always need some extra money and the stuff is just siting here….okay, I think I’ve talked myself into selling some stuff. See, you’ve read my mental thought processes kicking in here.
The funeral was nice for Tracy. As for funeral goes, it was the nicest one I’ve ever been to. It was sad though. There were a lot of people there. I would go so far to say about 200 people. Though, it pained my heart to see Dennis, Carrie, and his family go through this. The daughter, Carly, will be raised by Dennis’s parents. At least they are young, I think, in their early fifties. It helped that Carly lived with the family this summer so it will make this difficult transition a bit easier. They say that time heals all wounds but I don’t believe that when it concerns death. Teresa’s sister was murdered about 22 years ago and it’s still hurts the family extensively…the void in their life. It’s sad to think of all the stuff that Tracy will miss because of her death. Yesterday was supposed to be her first date with a man she had a crush on, she was just getting her life turned around. Okay, so here’s my preaching…Ladies if you are in a domestic violence situation get out and please don’t go back because bad things can happen. Tracy loved this guy but he took her life away that easily. Get help, please because it’s a dangerous situation. I’m going to go out there in two weeks to visit so I’ll do what I can.
As for weight, despite not weighing in for three weeks and the stress that I have been under, I still lost 1.5 pounds…not bad eh? So I’m down to 167.75. It feels good to be within 27 pounds of my goal. I figure by September, I should be close to maintenance. Though, I am going to monitor my weight closely so if I need to rethink that goal at 145 or 150, I will. The only desire I have is to be able to fit into a regular sized 12…that’s it. Heck, I’m happy at a 14 right now. It feels really good to not have a W by your size or buy jeans that are baggy. I’ve noticed that I wear stuff that hugs my figure a bit more. I’ve noticed that I don’t cover up so much now. I buy tops that hug my boobs and waist because that is one of the best assets that I have, is my top half…bottom half is looking a heck of a lot better due to CURVES though. I swear that I’m no longer a pear due to Curves. I still love that place. It will be a year next month and I’ve had no complaints since starting back there. When it concerns exercise, all that matters is that your are moving and doing something. Exercise is your friend, really it is!
The doctor’s appointment went fine but I have to go back in and do an endometriosis biopsy. I mentioned my mid-cycle ovulation bleeding and she wants to make sure that everything is okay. I believe things are fine but better off safe than sorry. She congratulated me on my weightloss so it felt good that I lost the weight thus far.
Update on the “Mike Situation”. Things are looking good. I’m getting to know him better through nice small talk and all I can say is that I have a major crush on this guy. On Wednesday, in the morning I asked him how he was doing and he said “I should have taken a mental health day today because I didn’t want to get out of bed” so of course on Friday afternoon I asked him if he was doing better since Wednesday and he said they were. We then discussed our respective weekend plans and he indicated that he was going to go out with friends on Saturday to see Final Destination 2. Then of course I shared that I wanted to see Daredevil next weekend on Sunday because I have to be oncall on Friday and Saturday. So I maybe missed an opportunity to ask him to go with me but I was standing in the middle of the hallway and thought, “oh, this is not professional to ask him out now”. So I think I will attempt that when I follow up on how his movie went I might casually ask if he would be interested in seeing Daredevil with me on Sunday afternoon. I got to get the balls to do this because this is killing me because he’s shy and I have this fear that if I don’t act on this, a great opportunity might be lost. Heck, even if it doesn’t blossom into a romantic relationship, I like the guy so he would be a great friendship. Wendi at work says that I’m doing well with the situation. We were talking about it on Friday because she overheard my conversation with him and she thinks that I’m holding myself well. Of course, I had to say, “Oh, what if he doesn’t think I’m attractive” and she was nice enough to inform me that I’m cute as a button. That made me feel good because I know that I’m attractive, I attempt to portray that confidence out, but sometimes there’s that damn inner voice that states “I don’t know if you are pretty enough…smart enough…small enough” but usually I shut that voice down but the thought of asking someone to accompany you to a movie can bring out those ugly voices…you know. Well folks, maybe I’ll have some good news to report. At least if I ask him out, it would be a small litmus test to see if he’s interested and if he’s not at least I could move on then. As always, if you feel like giving me advice, feel free to drop me a line because I need all the help I can get! Take care all-Kellie
February 3, 2003
Okay, my brother in law Dennis and his family is going to be needing some prayers this week. Today, his sister Tracy was murdered by her ex-husband. He killed her and then turned the gun on himself. Bastard did this in front of their 8 year old. She is safe but saw everything. I guess it happened early this morning. Carrie and Dennis found out at 3am this morning. Tracy just got the divorce and she was turning her life around. Stuff like this doesn't make sense. Why does stuff like this happen? Argh...she was just to young to die...I think she was 30. How can the family get over such a loss such as this? It's just senseless. The visitation is this Wednesday in Algonac and the funeral is Thursday. I will be driving over there on Wednesday. I would go earlier but I'm swamped at work to the point I'm overwhelmed. Looking back, it wasn't very smart of me to take a week and half off at work. I'm going to try to pack and see everyone tomorrow and Friday hopefully. I just can't believe that this is happening. Life is not supposed to be like this.
Here's the story from the Times Herald: Man shoots ex-wife, kills himself
Slaying comes month after couple's divorce By ANGELA MULLINS
CLAY TWP. -- A 39-year-old township man shot his ex-wife Sunday three times in the back, killing her. Hours later, he turned the gun on himself at the couple's McKinley Road home.
The murder-suicide comes about a week after St. Clair County District Judge Richard A. Cooley Jr. sentenced Paul Bessel to six months probation for a domestic violence incident involving his ex-wife Tracy, 31, of Algonac.
The Bessel's divorce was finalized last month, according to court records.
Paul Bessel continued to live in the couple's home at 8488 McKinley Road while Tracy Bessel had moved to Algonac. Police didn't offer a motive for the shooting. Friends, however, said Paul Bessel had a history of violence.
He served jail time in 1991 for threatening his first wife with a sawed-off shotgun, court records show. He also was sentenced in 1996 to two to five years in prison for the attempted kidnapping of an ex-girlfriend, according to court records. "He was a monster, and if he had been locked up a week ago or a year ago this never would have happened," said Tracy's longtime friend, Wendy Gastiaburo, 32, of Algonac. She said Tracy visited Paul on Sunday to talk about his ill grandfather. "(Tracy) was just the most caring, forgiving and loving person you could ever imagine."
The couple's 7-year-old daughter was in the home when her mother was shot at 4 p.m. with a .45 caliber handgun, Clay Township Deputy Police Chief Don Drake said Monday. The child attends first grade in Algonac schools. "He drove her (his daughter) to a friend's house (after the shooting) and then returned home," Drake said. "He made several phone calls to friends saying he was sorry."
Shortly after making the phone calls, police believe Bessel went into the bedroom and shot himself in the head. Both bodies were found by police at 10:45 p.m. Sunday. Drake gave this account Monday: Clay Township police received a call from Paul Bessel's parents at about 6:30 p.m. Sunday, saying their son was on the phone with them and was threatening suicide. Clay Township officers and another from Algonac responded to the ranch-style home on McKinley Road. They tried to make contact with him but received no response. The officers tried to contact Bessel for about four hours before calling the St. Clair County Special Response Team. The special-response unit entered the home using a door key provided by a family member and found the bodies. "We speculate that he shot himself as police pulled into the driveway," Drake said. "At this time, it is a closed investigation." Originally published Tuesday, February 4, 2003
February 2, 2003
I’m back!! Vacation was nice but it was stressful. Funny, how can a vacation be stressful? I had some time to think about my professional life. So I’m at that stage in my current life where I’m basically freaking out. I’m questioning the track of my goals that I set three years ago when I received my masters degree. It has been my full intention to go back and pursue a doctorate degree but now I am fully questioning that career track. When I was at the retirement party for my professor friend, I had the opportunity to speak to a number of doctoral students. After speaking to them, it brought some concerns to light. You see, the program is geared to the research approach not the practice approach. I kind of knew this before hand but my assumption was that they would also cover the more clinical focus in teaching also…they don’t. The doctoral students where very honest and I didn’t hear anything bad about the program but they stated that if you don’t like research, you really shouldn’t apply. The program consumes their life and they have very little free time. 4 out of the 6 hold a part time job but they indicated that their job/personal life has been affected in a negative way because things were compromised in those areas by having a lack of time. It started to make me think. I’m 27 years old and I want a life. I don’t want to give up living by pursuing a higher degree that might not get me any further than I am now. To take off 3.5 years off of a career is scary. I make extremely good money but yet I’m not entirely passionate about what I do. So what am I to do? Well, that got me thinking. You know where I have not focused on concerning myself? I have not given any attention to my personal life and growth. EVERYTHING besides the weightloss has been about my career…and my former relationship with Shawn. I have not nurtured myself in the appropriate manner, I have not personally grown, as I would like. I’m happy in the way that I have made the weightloss changes and redefining my relationship with food but I lack growth in exploring myself..trying new things, doing new things, growing, having new experiences, and challenging myself personally. I’m ready for that next level. What I honestly need to do is to go on what my dad called “Cruise Control”. He told me that sometimes I zoom towards my goal without coasting and enjoying the scenery. It’s true. The past years, I have been so focused on getting back to Louisville that I have not enjoyed my surroundings here in Michigan. I haven’t invested myself in this area since I planned on zooming out of here anyways. So my plan in the next 7 months is to focus on personal growth and not my career so much. Maybe this will help me become a better person, which will help me become a better social worker/therapist who is balanced in life. Instead of just focusing on the professional aspect of my life, I need to focus on Kellie, who is 27, who is a good person, that loves to explore, but has not been doing anything new or challenging for herself in many years, who wants more out of life than what is she is getting right now. So, I’m going to cruise a little bit…heck, maybe I’m even going to stomp on the brakes and look around a little bit heck and even smell the flowers for once. Louisville is not totally out but at this time I just don’t think it’s for me. It’s like I’m siting at that fork in the road and I’m just not going to go in that direction at this time. My home is here and it’s time for me to invest in myself and challenge myself to become the person that I dream to be. So my plans to explore/challenge myself??? Well, okay, this is what I want…I want to take some creative classes in photography or ceramics, I want to go to take some relaxation classes such as Yoga, I want to read more and expand my mind, I want to travel places, and mostly I need to meet people, have friendships and be established, have some roots. So that’s where I’m at right now.
Vacation details…spending time at mom and dads was awesome. I had a lot of time to relax and spend time with them. Gosh, sometimes (or all the time) I wished they didn’t live so far away. It’s getting dangerous down by them. There drugs everywhere and the neighbor just got busted for running a meth lab. Argh! They need to get out of there. Spending time with Teresa was nice but I really felt nervous around her for some reason. Can’t put my finger on it but maybe I was just dreading the party. The Wednesday dinner I had with Gale (my former professor) was nice but I did feel out of my element. They wanted me to drink a lot but I had a few sips of some liquors but I didn’t drink a lot. It’s just not in me to drink socially because all I could think about was “This is such a waste of points”. As for the party, it went okay. I was overdressed but I looked damn good so I could pull it off. A former professor who I was close to stated that I looked beautiful so that was a nice compliment. So it was a nice vacation but to tell you the truth, I was a tad bit frazzled when I got home last night. I was just tired and it felt so good to be home.
Well, I don’t believe I gained any weight while I was on vacation but I’m going to have to wait until Saturday to find out if I lost any. I didn’t attend any WW meetings in KY because their scale is so off compared to the one in Michigan so I just didn’t go. I ate well but unfortunately, I did not get any exercise in. Back to CURVES tomorrow.
On a food note, I got to stop at Trader Joes in Indianapolis and I stocked up on the meals. Argh, I spent $99!! Though, I got a ton of stuff. I picked up some Kung Po Chicken/Stir Fry kits, ff feta, chicken sausages, clam chowder, nacho chips, salsa, cherry cider, and I bought some Cat cookies and wow, they are so yummy! So that stuff is going to have to last me until I get out to Detroit at the end of the month. I just love Trader Joes, I swear it’s a Weight Watchers dream.
Okay, any ALIAS fans out there???? Oh My Gosh, what the heck happened to my show. The show after the superbowl was unbelievable. I kept on thinking it was a dream sequences…but it wasn’t. Heck, I was so shocked by what happened that I didn’t even get to enjoy the kiss…does anyone happen to have it on tape? I would send postage so I could see it again because I’m still shocked by it and I want to see the show again. Jennifer Garner looked awesome in that episode though. Now that’s a strong woman. Oh, if you are a Nielsen family could you please watch it????
I finally got my new undies!!! I settled on a package of Fruit of the Loom Low-rise panties and they are awesome…cotton yes, big old brief, no! They feel nice but they sit lower on my body and they feel great. I figure that I need to do this because I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday for a check up and a pap. Wish me luck because I always hate going to the doctor but at least I will be 57 pounds lighter!
Okay, here’s my weekly update on cute outpatient therapist. Well folks, it looks like I have a walking partner. I cooked up some Trader Joe’s Chicken Sausages at work and he came in and said it smelled great. I told him that I was interested in cooking lighter and I shared my weightloss with him. He stated that he was needing to walk more and he asked me if I was interested in walking with him during lunch or break and of course I said yes…so I have a walking partner now. Not bad, eh? Do you think he might be interested? I hope. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie
Words cannot explain how well the dinner went last night. Let’s just say this guy is a 10!!!! Chris is absolutely gorgeous and has a wonderful sense of humor and personality. This guy is a salmon not guppy here. We met at the Olive Garden. Funny thing is that when I got there I thought he wasn’t there so I waited in the lobby. Then he stepped out of the men’s bathroom and I said “Chris?” and he said “Kellie?” We then sat in the bar for a little while before getting a table and just talked. We made it to the table and then proceeded to talk for 4 hours straight. We then got kicked out of Olive Garden so he walked me out to my rental car and he asked to give me a hug. It was a nice big hug and it felt damn good. Then I asked to drive him to his truck and we then talked for another 45 minutes. We held each others hands and then he kissed me on my forehead and my hand and told me how he’s going to take down his profile when he gets home because he is looking forward to getting to know me better. We are going to see each other Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, movies at his place, Sunday movies at the Theatre. This is the total abbreviated version but this guy is totally awesome and I’m looking forward to getting to know him better. I’ll write more about him later but I’m tired and I’ve been on cloud nine all day (nor am I wipping this smile off my face!). This feels good. Heck, can they bottle these feelings? Take care all-Kellie 
Someone has a dinner engagement…it’s me! Okay, so a lot has happened in the last week. I have a dinner get to know you better than with a person that I met online. I found his profile online at one of those dating sites and I thought “what the heck, I’ll email him” because I thought he was attractive and we have similar interests. So he emailed me back and since then we have been conversing on the computer and the phone. So he asked me out to dinner and I thought, why not because I need to meet people? I promise that I will be taking every safety precaution as possible. He’s my age, a widower, works in management at a popular chain store, has his own home, etc. He’s got brown hair, hazel eyes, glasses, weighs about 198 and is 5’11. He seems to have a good sense of humor so this is a major plus; I’m really looking forward to meeting him. We’re meeting at Olive Garden tomorrow night at 7pm. Wish me luck guys…! Even if we don’t hit it off maybe we’ll have an awesome friendship, because I’m not looking for definition here. As for the cute outpatient therapist…well, he’s a nice guy but he simply does not have his ducks in row. The latest bomb that he dropped on me that he’s in recovery from drugs so he’s totally out. Sorry but I have strict rules, no drugs or recovery. I’ll continue to be my cordial self to him but it’s sad that someone so nice just doesn’t have it together. Oh well, he was a guppy and I’m looking for a salmon right now. That’s my philosophy on men…there’s a lot of guppies out there but only a few salmons so I’m after the prize. 
Had a nice week this week. Not too much went on. I think my loss is going to be big this week because my scale indicates that I am 160 so their scale might say I’m 165 possibly? I’ll find out in a couple of hours if my oncall pager doesn’t go off. I’m oncall this weekend until Sunday at 11 am. I’m doing all of these oncall shifts to bank up the extra money. It’s really coming in handy. The only thing that I hate about oncall is that it holds me up all weekend long. I was hoping to do something this weekend but I figure that I should just stay close to home. Maybe I will hit the bookstore if I am lucky. A coworker and I are going to see a movie on Sunday. Daredevil of course so I know that will be fun.
Wow, what a week. In all I drove over 1400 miles with my Blazer in 8 days so I was happy to have a calm weekend. Even though I was on call on Saturday till this morning at 11:00 am, it was quiet. I rented some videos, cleaned my place, and vegetated. I was planning on driving to a book store but I decided against that because when you live in West Michigan you get this lovely stuff called Lake Effect Snow and it’s not worth driving in. So that’s my weekend thus far. Of course, I managed to get in some shopping in on Saturday. I hit Kohl’s and got some major clearance bargains there. I managed to get two pair of flannel PJs for $4.95, a hat for $1.95, a shoe kit for $4.50, and a robe for $7.00…not bad huh? At Goodwill I found some summer clothing and I found a beautiful new Casual Corner dress for $2.99. Now that is thrifty shopping. I need to purge the closet once again of my heavier items but I’ve been too lazy to post some stuff on ebay. Maybe I will get off my butt and do that today. I actually have a ton of stuff to get rid of. I think I’ve been in a funk recently with ebay because I’ve had two sour transactions…anytime you get a sour transaction, it leaves me in that non-motivational way of asking myself “Why am I doing this?”. Besides, Ebay is really saturated now. It’s not like the olden days where you could make some serious dough as a seller. For buyers, stuff actually goes for pretty cheap. Humm, I always need some extra money and the stuff is just siting here….okay, I think I’ve talked myself into selling some stuff. See, you’ve read my mental thought processes kicking in here. 
I’m back!! Vacation was nice but it was stressful. Funny, how can a vacation be stressful? I had some time to think about my professional life. So I’m at that stage in my current life where I’m basically freaking out. I’m questioning the track of my goals that I set three years ago when I received my masters degree. It has been my full intention to go back and pursue a doctorate degree but now I am fully questioning that career track. When I was at the retirement party for my professor friend, I had the opportunity to speak to a number of doctoral students. After speaking to them, it brought some concerns to light. You see, the program is geared to the research approach not the practice approach. I kind of knew this before hand but my assumption was that they would also cover the more clinical focus in teaching also…they don’t. The doctoral students where very honest and I didn’t hear anything bad about the program but they stated that if you don’t like research, you really shouldn’t apply. The program consumes their life and they have very little free time. 4 out of the 6 hold a part time job but they indicated that their job/personal life has been affected in a negative way because things were compromised in those areas by having a lack of time. It started to make me think. I’m 27 years old and I want a life. I don’t want to give up living by pursuing a higher degree that might not get me any further than I am now. To take off 3.5 years off of a career is scary. I make extremely good money but yet I’m not entirely passionate about what I do. So what am I to do? Well, that got me thinking. You know where I have not focused on concerning myself? I have not given any attention to my personal life and growth. EVERYTHING besides the weightloss has been about my career…and my former relationship with Shawn. I have not nurtured myself in the appropriate manner, I have not personally grown, as I would like. I’m happy in the way that I have made the weightloss changes and redefining my relationship with food but I lack growth in exploring myself..trying new things, doing new things, growing, having new experiences, and challenging myself personally. I’m ready for that next level. What I honestly need to do is to go on what my dad called “Cruise Control”. He told me that sometimes I zoom towards my goal without coasting and enjoying the scenery. It’s true. The past years, I have been so focused on getting back to Louisville that I have not enjoyed my surroundings here in Michigan. I haven’t invested myself in this area since I planned on zooming out of here anyways. So my plan in the next 7 months is to focus on personal growth and not my career so much. Maybe this will help me become a better person, which will help me become a better social worker/therapist who is balanced in life. Instead of just focusing on the professional aspect of my life, I need to focus on Kellie, who is 27, who is a good person, that loves to explore, but has not been doing anything new or challenging for herself in many years, who wants more out of life than what is she is getting right now. So, I’m going to cruise a little bit…heck, maybe I’m even going to stomp on the brakes and look around a little bit heck and even smell the flowers for once. Louisville is not totally out but at this time I just don’t think it’s for me. It’s like I’m siting at that fork in the road and I’m just not going to go in that direction at this time. My home is here and it’s time for me to invest in myself and challenge myself to become the person that I dream to be. So my plans to explore/challenge myself??? Well, okay, this is what I want…I want to take some creative classes in photography or ceramics, I want to go to take some relaxation classes such as Yoga, I want to read more and expand my mind, I want to travel places, and mostly I need to meet people, have friendships and be established, have some roots. So that’s where I’m at right now. 
My Vistors Since February 2, 2003
