What did I eat today? Food log @ FitDay.com

July 16, 2002

SHAPE: Things are continuing to go well in this department despite my .50 gain this week due to TOM. I noticed that lately I have been eating in the higher point range and I think I need to start and buckle down again to eat at least in the midpoint range. I tend to lose a little more when I average about 24 points a day with 4 days of exercise. My skin is looking great. I notice the largest amount of excess skin is in my inner thigh region. I’m not too sure on how to make this area firmer but I have noticed that it’s not really tone in that area. Funny thing about losing weight is that I am not noticing it. Weightloss is a total mind set for me. If it weren’t for the scale or my clothes, I would have no idea that I am dropping the pounds. Ideally in 5 months, I would like to be around 175 at Christmas time. That’s just a number but it would be nice to be in a solid size of 16 then. In clothes, I’m wearing a loose 18W and a perfect 16W. I’ve given myself until the end of summer to get rid of some of my old stuff. I figure then, I’ll take some of the rougher stuff down south and the rest I will sell on ebay. I still keep on adding stuff to my closet from the Salvation Army or Goodwill. I found a beautiful top from Old Navy this weekend so I can’t wait til I wear it this fall. I also found a stunning denim overcoat from Anne Klein that I bought at Hudson’s (I refuse to call it Marshall Fields) for $25 regular $175…now is that a bargain or not?

OTHER MEANINGLESS RAMBLINGS: I’m done with my second school social worker class at U of M. I will know by March if I am accepted into the Ph.D. program so I can make my plans then, my back up plan is to be a school social worker. That’s why I’m taking the classes now. Shawn and I have been having troubles with the school thing again. I actually agreed not to pursue my doctorate until the fall of 2004 because he had me convinced that it wasn’t the best move for me. He would like me to have at least $20000 in the bank when I start back. He said the $7000 I plan on having wouldn’t go very far. I had been listening to that for two months and I guess I just got sick of it and agreed to it. I think the bomb was that he stated that he couldn’t marry me until 2006, if I chose to go back to school because there would be no time. Now that is a crappy thing…I can’t deal with that bargain because my heart is set on next year. I also toyed with the idea of attempting to be a residence hall director. With my background, I will be a strong candidate and my health and schooling would be covered then plus a $6000 stipend. Needless to say, I am torn. I’m torn between the person I AM and the PERSON I WANT TO BE. Why could I be that person who wants to settle down, be the little wife? It’s not in me. I was not socialized to be that person. I was socialized to be independent and chase my goals and my goal is to be Dr. Kellie E and if I fail, at least I can say I tried and disappointment does not come from not trying but it comes from not pursuing.

Needless to say, I’m stressed. I need a vacation, I need to spend time with my folks, Teresa (my best friend in Kentucky) and time for myself. I’m hoping to take some time off at the end of August. My summer is just passing me by but at least I expected this. Humm….I just keep on imagining myself on a raft in the middle of the lake. Now that is peaceful! Take care all-Kellie

July 7, 2002

BODY: I’m down another pound this week. Technically, I’m down three from last week but I gained two then. I think the gain was a fluke because I had pizza for dinner the night before and it screwed up my weight because the whole week, I was within my point range. So on the weight watchers scale I am 194 ½!!! My scale says I’m 189 – 190. I can’t believe it! Soon I will be smaller than when I was down in Louisville. Everything is fitting better. Unfortunately, I’m not going out to but a bunch of clothes right now. I’ve gotten some nice new stuff from Lands End but it’s been the Not Perfect items where it is 75% off so I’m not spending a bundle. One thing that I’ve noticed about my closet is that half of my stuff is stuff I want to get into, ¼ is stuff that I wear, and ¼ of the stuff I will never wear (again or just plain wear). I figure when I get to goal, I will then have a field day at Goodwill or something. Periodically, when I go to Goodwill, I will pick up stuff that is for down the road. I have a couple of nice 14 khakis for work. As for my old stuff, will I admit that I am drowning in it. Some people at work question why don’t run out to get a whole bunch of stuff, well, I just don’t want to spend a fortunate only to give it to Goodwill. I know I actually need to get some suits out of my closet but I just haven’t. I have this lovely Lord & Taylor suit that I bought for interviewing for $150 and I’ve only worn it five times…Yikes! Then I have an Elizabeth suit that I bought at Goodwill that is just lovely…I just need to get rid of the stuff. I guess I’m just creating my own problems because in all realties, the clothing needs to go. Funny how I have a stupid attachment to clothing…is this normal??? Maybe it’s just difficult to let things go and realize things have changed…

OTHER MEANINGLESS RAMBLES: Shawn found my last entry left on the computer. Yikes, he thought I was going to post that on the weight watchers board. He was upset but it was a nice springboard to discuss what was going on. His opinion is that he is not stressed but it’s because we are not intimate enough. Okay, whatever is what I think. It’s been rough to be intimate with him. When he’s rude/nasty/mean/etc. I will not be up for anything but avoiding him. Then the worst thing happened about two weeks ago, him and my mom had words…nasty words. It started out when my mom was spending the night over here because of a doctor’s appointment the next day. When she got to the apartment, Shawn wouldn’t let her in the sliding door she had a ton of stuff in her hand so she had to walk around to the front door and she had no clue what apartment number it was...she eventually got in. Then later that night Shawn almost ran her down. When she asked him if he knew that she was there he replied “Well Betty, you got to look out for us big guys”. Okay, that was too rude for her so she basically called him an ass for doing that. So we eventually went to bed and then at 3am in the morning, Shawn gets up and states, “I’m going home”, I was of course just waking up to this and stated “Why are you going to your parents home? This is your home” and then he of course states “I want to see my parents” then I tear into about how this is his home and he can’t run from problems. Then the final words I stated to him before crying were that, “and I’m supposed to marry you one day!” Then I just cried and eventually fell asleep. I guess they made amends in the morning but then Shawn still had a little chip on his shoulder so he refused to go to a family function on that Saturday. I guess things are getting better now but urgh, what a frustrating experience!

I’ve been actively studying for the GRE. I guess they are changing the format of their testing and they are getting rid of those nasty logic problems!! I swear I’m not going to let this test kill me. I just need to practice, practice, practice. I got a ton of books off of Half.com so I will be prepared. Now, I just have to brush up on my technical writing skills and research skills. I have six months to do this…and six months are going to go quick. I’m praying that I get in. If I don’t well, being a school social worker won’t be bad…I can handle it! But being Dr. Kellie sure sounds good. I just want to teach at some small school and do some research. Well, that’s it for me today…take care all-Kellie

My Vistors Since July 7, 2002

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