June 30, 2000

Can we say that I was knocked off my butt with this cold?!?!? The last three days have been completely horrible. I had a fever, a horrible cough, lots of mucous, sore throat, head congestion, aches and pains. Does that sound like a back of a medicine box or what? My appetite is down, infact, right now I am 188. I just don’t want to eat solid foods; I’ve been drinking a lot of orange juice and Gatorade. I’m a tad better today but honestly, I am running at 60%. I can’t wait till I get over this virus. Yesterday I had my second interview at that job being a therapist for private foster homes and I felt horrible. When I woke up yesterday I nearly passed out…it could have been because of the Nyquil I had taken the night before but all I know is that the room was spinning so I ate an orange and I got my bearings together and I got ready. When I got to the place, I noticed that I was sweating on my forehead! I felt very self-conscious about this so hopefully they didn’t notice. I did okay in the interview, I think. But when I got back to the apartment, I felt like I was going to pass out…I was just drained so I slept all day. When I woke up this morning, I felt more human but I still feel zombied out. I hope I feel better by tomorrow because I have another freaking wedding to go to. I can’t wait until me and Shawn get a weekend that doesn’t include running all over the darn state! Tomorrow we got to go to East Lansing which is an hour away, then on the fourth we have to go to Shawn’s uncle’s fish fry in St. Joseph which is another hour away too. In all, I’m really getting worn down…I can’t wait until I get settled and have my own place because staying with Shawn is the pits because I really don’t get any sleep. I’ve been sleeping on the pullout couch because he only has a twin bed (and two big people can’t fit in a twin bed). I miss my big bed…the pull out isn’t cutting it. I figure I will stay with him until I get a couple of paychecks. This job quoted hiring me in the very low 30s and having a nice yearly bonus. The health insurance is good and so are the rest of the benefits. They also would give me 4 weeks off a year, not bad eh?

Though, to tell you the truth, I am not excited about working at all. I sound like a child but I really miss my folks. I guess I wasn’t prepared for being away from them. I’ve been crying a little at night because I’ve been missing them so much. Stupid, eh? I’m almost 25, and I’m crying over being away from them. I wish they were not so far away. They bought some state land last week in an auction for foreclosed taxes property in Michigan and they are hoping to build a cabin which would be nice but still them building a place may take a while. They’ve had a couple of people who walked through their place but so far no one has made a bid. I’ll get over it eventually but it’s difficult. Yuck! Well for those who are having a very long weekend, have a happy holiday and eat healthy! Take care-Kellie

June 27, 2000

Okay, if you didn’t check the buddy board, I gained 5 pounds this week. The two reasons why is that I ate like crap this weekend at the wedding and rehearsal dinners and TOM is here so I am bound to have some type of water gain from that. How much is TOM or bad eating, I have no idea until next weigh in day. Typically I will gain 2 – 4 pounds during TOM so hopefully that is the case here. I’m eating great this week and I’m back on track but these weddings are horrible because I’ve had to eat out and I’ve been making unwise choices. The problem at the wedding this weekend is that I drank too many Bloody Mary’s and had too much champagne. And guess what? I have another freaking wedding this weekend!!! I am dying for some down time because I’ve been racing every weekend since I’ve been up in Michigan and I am sick of weddings. This weekend we have to go to Shawn’s cousin’s wedding, ahgh~ Speaking of the weddings, this past weekend was the best wedding I have ever been to. The wedding was beautiful and the reception was awesome. I got myself all dolled up, hair and makeup wise. I looked really good. But I must say I had a strange experience while I was getting my makeup down. Sarah (the bride) arranged to have our makeup done by a Mary Kay woman. The first thing she said to me was that “Do you wear much makeup?” and I of course said no because I really don’t wear it because I feel that I don’t need it. When she looked at my face she said…”Gosh, you have dark circles under eyes!?! Try this super t-gel, it will remove those circles in a flash…look can’t you see the difference?” (after I rubbed the stuff in) “No, I can’t see the difference” and I didn’t see a difference…So as she is applying the makeup she gives me this line where makeup is “supposed” to portray to the world that you have high self-esteem and you feel good about yourself. I told her in the nicest manner that I felt totally secure in who I was and I didn’t need something like makeup to make me feel better about myself. I don’t. I swear makeup is for others because we are socialized to make ourselves “prettier for others”. I am pretty and I don’t need to make myself prettier for others. I take pride in the fact that I only waste time to blow dry my hair, put some moisturizer on, and some lip balm. Occasionally, I will put on some mascara and some eye shadow but that is rare because I usually do it for special events like interviews. I simply like how I look. We’ve all come across women who would never let their boyfriend, partner, husband, or lover see them without makeup…and what’s the point of that? That Mary Kay woman was telling me that makeup shows self-esteem? Please…those types of women have very low self-esteem. I’d rather be simple…no makeup, fresh face, and my great complexion glowing from the natural color of my olive tint skin. So beware of these types of Mary Kay women…they play on your insecurities and they could hook you in on it. Not that I am generalizing Mary Kay women on a whole but this woman was slick…if I wasn’t so secure about myself, I would have been buying some stuff, I know she suckered some other bridesmaids into some stuff but it didn’t work on me. Oh well!

I went to that interview yesterday and the place was absolutely horrible. It was a lock-down facility and folks was scary. The kids had a tiny 5* 10 room to sleep in. The only thing that was allowed in their rooms was some bedding, no personal items. Basically a prison for kids. Scary! After chatting with some of the workers it sounded like they were overworked and underpaid. Clearly not the place for me. Though on a happy note, I have a 2nd interview with a place. I am meeting with them on Thursday at 9:00, I have to meet with two supervisors and the human resources director. It looks promising. I wouldn’t mind working for the place as long as they offer me a good deal. We’ll see!

I went walking today. I don’t know if it was the smartest thing because I have a slight cold. I have a sore throat, my voices is hoarsey, and a cough so hopefully it didn’t make me worse. Though, I did feel better after taking it because I felt like the sun dried my cough up. I put some Vicks sab on me to clear up the mucus in my chest so hopefully the stuff will come up. I hate being sick! I don’t know where it came from but I know I want it gone especially before my 2nd interview!! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

June 22, 2000

I went to a job interview and I was so very much not excited. Have you ever been to a place and interviewed with a person that had a lack of personality? The guy who interviewed me showed no expression what so ever. He was like a chalkboard with nothing written on it. Maybe I am being a little hard on the man but that’s the impression I got. Then when I stepped out I saw the other appointment and he was an older man in his 50s so it made me wonder…I’m a spring chicken social worker that is wet behind my ears and here is a seasoned (very qualified man) who will probably get the job. Not that I even care but I hope I can get hired somewhere. Anyways, I have a job interview on Monday (I know the worst day to interview) so think about me on Monday at 10:00 am. It’s up north in a small town near Reed City. It’s a residential facility and I really want this job because they do those fun adventure things. Hopefully things will pan out. Though getting back to the other job, the turnover rate is very low and most have worked there for 10 years. The positions that are open are because of staff leaving for private practice and the other one is relocating. So that’s a strange thing to have in the social work realm especially when working with children.

Body wise, I am feeling like I am letting myself down. I haven’t worked out in 3 weeks and I must work out! I’m really frustrated by that in fact. I don’t know what to do because I can’t join a place because I might not live in Grand Rapids but I have to work out. As for exercise tapes, I left all of them in KY so I may have to have my mom send them up here. But it’s bothering me! I need to workout. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

June 19, 2000

I’m annoyed right now…I just don’t get men and sports and how they get so fanatic about it. Shawn as I write right now is perched in front of the television and rooting for the Lakers. I asked him what the score was and he acted all pissed off at me so forget him tonight. Do people honestly think their screams at the TV will do any good? Jez oh petes!

Last weekend went well. We actually had a descent time. The bride Tina, was a pain of course but besides that Shawn and I really enjoyed ourselves. I ate okay, I could have eaten better but I could have done worse. But I didn’t gain any weight this week nor did I lose any. Hopefully, I will have the same results this weekend when the next wedding roles around. I’m a bridesmaid in this wedding. Rob is Shawn’s best friend and Sarah was my roommate in college for 2 years. Sarah was a great roommate because we got along good and we never fought. She was two years behind me but the age thing didn’t matter. Sarah and Rob have been going out since 10th grade. There wedding will be a barrel of fun I think because they have a ton of energy (heck, the whole family has that energy). So I guess you can say I am looking forward to things this weekend.

While I was out of town, I got two calls for a job interview. I have an interview for a therapist position here in town on Thursday. It’s for working with at-risk youth at a residential facility. I don’t know what to think about it because I have no information on the company or the facility. So I guess you can say, I am going in blind for the interview. The other call I received came from another residential facility that offers camps and it’s up north more. I would really like this job because it combines the outdoors with the indoors but he has to return my call!!! To tell you the truth, I hate the idea of interviewing. Social workers up here are a dime a dozen so I’m pretty freaked out but I’ll do fine. I know I’m a damn good social worker but I do I let them know that? I hope I’m not asked those usual interview questions. For example: “what are your 3 strengths/weakness? Please use 3 adjectives to describe yourself”. Yuck, how original!

I finished Jemima J yesterday and oh, what a great book! I usually what to blow through a book in a day but I tried to save this one a little longer because it was so good. It had a great plot and Jemima was a likeable character. I won’t ruin it for you all but please if you are looking for some excellent reading do buy this book! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

June 14, 2000

I’ve picked up a book today…I usually don’t buy from barnes and noble directly from their store but I usually buy from them on the net. I find that most books are $10 cheaper on the net than in the store. Anyway, I picked up a fiction novel called “Jemima J” by Jane Green. What compelled me to pick it up was the cover that captioned this statement: “Jemima J a novel about ugly ducklings and swans”. What adorns the cover is a woman in a skirt with her legs showing. A cover like that attracts attention, you know. So I looked in the front cover and it stated that “Jemima Jones is overweight…about 98 pounds overweight. Treated like a maid by her thin, social climbing roommates, and lorded over by the beautiful Geraldine…Jemima’s only consolation is food”. Okay, this sounded good so I picked it up and started to read the first chapter…and I loved it! I especially loved some of the lines like this:

Wow, how many of us out there has not felt the way she was describing herself? My favorite out of this passage was the selective visualization. People only want to see what they want to see. I guess we are all victims of this, maybe we all overlook other’s features or our own because we allow ourselves to see the dominant features. Yeah, it’s obvious that we are over our weight categories but what do we love about ourselves? We tend to focus on what we hate about our bodies. I remember when I was young, I hated my thighs and hips. I’m shaped like a pear (narrow shoulder/waist and larger hips) so I always hated my lower body region. I guess I never focused on what I really liked about my body, like my eyes. I have beautiful blue green hazel eyes, that are hidden by my specs and I have beautiful lips too that have a great reddish tint so that I really don’t need to wear lipstick. As I’ve grown older, I appreciate myself more and more. Anyways, I will let you know about how the book goes, I am looking forward to reading it. I’m not usually into fiction but this book is definitely something I could relate to. If you are interested, the book is on sale at B&N for $13.95…you should pick it up because I think it’s going to be some good reading.

Well, tomorrow morning I am off to my first wedding of these two weeks. Shawn is the best man in this wedding. I hate the thought of going but on Friday, we will be staying at a prestigious place so I’m gearing up for that. I’ve always wanted to stay there and now, I’m getting the opportunity too! The wedding is near where I used to live in Marine City. The couple (Tina and Mark) is getting married in St. Clair and then they are having their reception in MC. God, I hate Marine City and I could only hope that I don’t run into a single soul I know. I went to elementary school with Tina for a half of a year and she was a little *itch to me and Mark is the ultimate weirdo. They both are school teachers and if I had a kid that was a student in their classroom, I would pull them out. Tina is a rude and cold and Mark is just really eerily strange (almost psycho). Shawn said he’s really not excited for the wedding because Mark hasn’t informed him about anything so he’s mildly pissed about the whole arrangement. Shawn has promised me that we will duck out of the reception after the dinner so we can go enjoy ourselves at the inn. I hope he means it. Oh, I decided to wear the dress but I bought a pretty pink sweater to go over it, and it looks absolutely fabulous! Well, I will update the buddy board tonight, and I will chat with you all on Sunday! Have a great weekend and take care-Kellie

June 12, 2000

I’m being so good eating wise, I should get a halo over my head! And the amazing thing is that I am at Shawn’s place. We’ve been eating very healthy and no eating out. We both want to lose the weight so we’ve been very careful at what we’ve been cooking. I think the thing that helps me out the most is that I eat those frozen entrees for lunch. I know then how many points I’ve been eating and it really cuts down on my points. At dinner we eat a sensible meal (sounds like a slimfast commercial) and I have a tofu smoothie for desert. The smoothie really helps me out because I’m getting my daily allowance of soy and it makes me really full. If you haven’t tried a smoothie yet, I suggest you do so. You make it with tofu (extra firm), soymilk, yogurt, a tablespoon of ice cream, and some berries. Yummy! According to Shawn’s scale I’m 189, so I lost a half of pound…but I could have lost more because scales are different from each other.

The trip was hot and uneventful up here. It was 90 degrees on Saturday! By the time I got to Shawn’s place, I just wanted a shower. That night we went out to BW-3s to meet Shawn’s friend Kevin. I’ve heard a lot about Kevin and he was nothing like I pictured him. My impression of him was that he was a shallow guy concerned with just meaningless things in life. I guess he’s been married to his wife for 10 years and she’s going blind. One thing that really bothered me was the way he talked about his wife. I think amongst people guys shouldn’t bitch about their sex lives with their lives. He made this comment about sex and smoking and how he never had mind-blowing sex. Whoa, too much information there! It was like ago Kevin what does that say about you? Yeah, he may want to blame the wife but it’s a two way street. He was definitely strange.

My impressions of Grand Rapids so far is that its too busy around here. The traffic is horrible, the malls are overly crowded, and the lines at places are way too long. I really don’t know my way around here so I just went out to the post office and Wal-Greens today. I think I’ll explore more tomorrow because it’s raining out and it’s 57 degrees out.

I’m going to a wedding on Thursday / Friday, so do y’all think this dress is okay to wear to the wedding? I really don’t like my arms too much but can I get away with it? Just wondering….Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie 237/189/140 49 more pounds to go!!!

June 9, 2000

I found out some bad information today about social work in Michigan…my licensure is not valid from the state of KY. The state of Kentucky has two levels of social work licensure: CSW (certified social work which requires a state exam) and LCSW (licensed clinical social worker which requires 2 years post masters with 200 hours of supervision plus 4000 hours of working in a clinical setting). Now Michigan has a different standard to be a CSW, their CSW is an LCSW in Kentucky. All the jobs I have being applying for have been CSW in Michigan! What a waste of time and money! And the MSW jobs in Michigan are beginning to look like they are low paying because they want CSW’s! Argh I hate this…job hunting has just grown more complex! I need to get a job within a month and half because my money is slowly running out…and I don’t want to mooch off the folks because they are starting to build their new home in the back. Plus my health insurance runs out in September on my birthday so I’m panicking!

Concerning eating yesterday, I wasn’t necessarily bad or good. We hit the Cracker Barrel for lunch and I had chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy on the side. Then I had a veggie sub at Jimmy Johns sub place. I can’t say no to eating out!! Food is so social. I remembered in college when I lived in the dorm, dinnertime was the height of social interaction. Me and the roommates, everyday ate all meals together, if we missed a meal it was considered rude. Food became a priority…made that’s where I went wrong, food is a priority in my life, it’s central to being socialable…Looking back, I just made realization that college changed the way I looked at food. It turned from being just a necessity to being a central focus. My first two years, I gained a few pounds but it was nothing like the last three years of my undergraduate career where I just ballooned up. I just couldn’t say no to the pies, sodas, goodies, bread, and high fat food there. Food is there right in your face and it’s hard to say no when you don’t know how to say no. I’m learning how to say no…but it’s difficult when you want to say Yes! Yes! Yes! I swear colleges should put on seminars for freshman and transfer students on how to eat correctly in a college setting because I know for a fact that I’m not the only woman who has gained weight during their college years…but who knows, maybe if they had them it would have worked for me or maybe it wouldn’t have. I just have to re-learn how to eat and this is slowly happening. For instance, I said no to a raspberry zinger today….my mom bought some at Mrs. Smith’s bakery and she was trying to get me to eat one and I said no way! Not bad, eh?

I’m leaving for Michigan tomorrow…please pray that I will encounter a safe trip. I don’t know how long I will be up there but I figure I will be up there until mid-July at least (or if I get sick of Shawn, I will be back sooner). I told Shawn the specifications of me coming up is that I cannot spend any money, okay, I know I sound like a leach but I am so broke that I cannot afford to spend more than $200. I want to be sure that I can pay for my first month’s rent and a deposit…well I better start packing! Wish me luck, take care all-Kellie

June 7, 2000

My parents are putting their house up for sale today…since we have 50 acres they want to section the property off and sell this house and four acres. After they sell the house they want to take some of the money and build a smaller house in the back and bank the rest of the money. Then they want to buy some vacation land from a state auction in MI in Lake or Newaygo County and they would like to build a small home up there so they can be close to me and my sister. I figure why not. They have an excellent house here but it’s a small fancy home. It’s 1500 sq plus a full basement and they don’t want all this room. Besides the house here on the hill is high maintenance upkeep and my dad is 65 and he doesn’t want to be cutting grass when he is 70 on a hill! I don’t blame him and my mom one bit for wanting to move bag in the back of our property…it is much prettier there in the woods and the home maintenance would be very easy. I wish them luck in selling this place…hopefully someone will come along and buy our 2 year old house! Though, I hate to see them go through the building process again because all they do is fight, fight, and fight! If you can get through building a house together, then you have a sound relationship.

I shared a new tip with Laura, a buddy today, on munchies. I have discovered that if I eat later in the day (supper that is) I tend not to snack at all. I used to eat at 5:30 but now I am eating between 7 – 7:30 and I am not making those trips to the fridge anymore and the results are showing because I am dropping the pounds. Hopefully the shedding of the pounds will continue! We’ll see!

Not too much is happy in my life right now…Teresa is coming out with her fiancée Chris and we will be heading to the Cumberland Falls to do the tourist thing. I haven’t been to the falls since I was seven so that will be fun. They talked about wanting to stop at the original KFC in Corbin, but I think I’m going to try to get out of that…KFC isn’t exactly the best choice for someone who is trying to be healthy! Hopefully I will not succumb to social eating pressures tomorrow! Wish me luck and take care-Kellie

June 5, 2000

I guess you can say I had a busy weekend. I went to an auction on Saturday and I scored some great stuff! I got two chairs and an ottoman for $70 and I got some carnival glass for a couple dollars. Folks, this was the best auction I have ever been to. There was only about 50 people there and no of them were collectors really. They had boxes and boxes of Depression glass and plates going for $2! Can you believe that? I’m showing you all my goods I got because I am so proud of them. I wish more auctions were like this one. I went to one auction last year and the prices were so high, it was ridiculous but this auction was terrific in the sense that everyone was able to walk away happy. I know I did!

The weight loss is going great!! I LIKE TO SHOUT TO EVERYONE I AM 189.5!! I AM NO LONGER IN THE 190s! It has taken me 6 months to lose the ten pounds. I swear this has been the hardest ten pounds to lose because I would do good, then I would mess up. Yes, I’m far from perfect so I do mess up. I more than appreciate this 10-pound loss more than anything. My biggest problem in this journey is that I succumb to social food eating…I’m a girl that likes to eat and drink. In a social situation with friends, give me a margarita and a bloody mary and some high fat food and I am a happy girl. A huge part of weight loss is about changing your outlook on yourself and food (plus some of that mental stuff). I must admit to using food for pleasure…I know that sounds kinky but it’s not! I love eating bad” food (high fat, friend, crunchy stuff)…I use the food for comfort and solace. I’m getting better at that but it’s still an obstacle. When things go wrong I typically (and historically) head to the fridge. But at least now, when that happens, I eat stuff lower in fat because I used to gorge when I stressed out. So I still need to work on things.

On Saturday I am heading up to Michigan to stay for maybe three weeks. I have two weddings to attend in two week time span so I should just stay up there, instead of going up and coming back. I’m staying with Shawn in Grand Rapids. We are trying to work on our relationship and I’ve expressed my feelings of disappointment with him about our eating habits and our historically tumbled relationship. I told him I’ve been disappointed in him as a boyfriend because he doesn’t do the typical boyfriend things…but heck we’ve had a long distance relationship for two of our five years so it’s much more difficult. I guess you could say I’m trying to work things out and I’m trying to communicate with him. I told him at times, I feel I don’t see a future with him but then I can’t picture my life w/o him. We’ll see where it goes but I’m going to take things slowly. I really wanted that PA job but they simply haven’t called. So I guess I’m going back to Michigan. So far I’ve sent out 5 applications, 3 are in the western part of Michigan (Big Rapids, Grand Rapids, Traverse City) and two are in the eastern part of MI (Clinton and Farmington Hills) . I guess you could say I just want to get some practice interviews while I’m up there. Plus, I want to go visit some friends while I am there. Maybe I’ll look up one of my old college roommates because she lives in Kalamazoo. I haven’t seen her since my sophomore year of college so it would be nice to catch up. Overall, my goal is to continue to lose weight while I’m up in Michigan…I must be careful not to eat badly at Shawn’s, we will not go out to eat! I will stay at his place and cook healthy! I vow this to myself. This is a test of my willpower and I must succeed! Take care all-Kellie 237/189.5/140 49.5 more pounds to go!!!

June 1, 2000

One good thing about having this online journal is that I get to see what I was up to a year ago! I find it fun to look back and see what I was up to. Last summer was hard, especially working at Spectrum (that in-patient adolescent facility). I absolutely hated most of the management there, especially EVIL CURTIS. I emailed my friend Victoria who worked there and she told me some spicy gossip about him. I guess he is getting a divorce and is dating a woman who did the medical records. Aw, to put up with that man would be impossible and dating in a small work place should be banned because if the couple gets married or breaks up, there’s going to be some drastic changes in the workplace milieu! Besides, Curtis was an asshole. He was the worst social worker that I have ever encountered and the way he dealt with the kids was down right demeaning. Working there made me frustrated because I was always the outspoken one…I would like to think that I stood up for the clients rights because many of my co-workers treated the adolescents as babies…yeah, they are teens and have problems but it doesn’t mean you have to talk to them in baby talk. Argh! Thank God that place is behind me…I never want to work in a place like that.

I still haven’t heard from the camp again! Ah, they get my hopes up and then they let me down. So I sent out 3 resumes…2 in northern MI (Traverse City and Big Rapids Area) and Clinton, MI (which is in the lower eastern part of MI). Since I will be going up to MI for 2 ½ weeks during the mid month, I should have some interviews lined up for myself but I have no clue on licensure for the state of MI so I have to get on that. I graduated from a certified social work education school so my MSW is recognized everywhere but I still need to take a state exam….in fact, I should do that pretty soon before I forget stuff! I guess I just grew tired of sitting around waiting for that camp to call so I wanted to get the ball rolling with something else…who knows, I might find something good!

I’m doing great this week and I’ve been averaging about 28 points a day. I was tempted to get on the scale to see if I had lost any weight but I vowed to stay off of it until Monday. I think it’s wise to only weigh in once a week. When I weighed in every day, I must admit to being mildly saddened by the scale not moving. If I only weigh in once a week, I’m either happy or sad 1x a week. Plus, there’s less pressure on myself if I weigh in once a week and I am much more satisfied with my weigh in for some reason. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

My Vistors Since June 1, 2000