March 22, 2001

Humm…there hasn’t been much to write about in the last few weeks! I’ve been sort of frustrated lately so I went “underground” and just used my offline journal to write. Sometimes it’s better because I can sort things out better and it helps me put myself back into perspective. Hell, this usually happens when I’m urging/fighting with Shawn. Partly, because I get embarrassed of my online journal feelings. Things come out and I’m mad/sad/frustrated, yet it’s difficult for me to do something about it. I have problems with detachment in my personal life, as if you couldn’t tell. My problems seem to manifest over time and they get better…then they get worse…over and over thus the cycle is never ending. Looking back, I truly never had a “healthy relationships” with people who are in my personal life. I allow them to consume me. This happened since I was young. Probably the safest / securest relationship that I have ever had is Teresa…that’s why she is my best friend. She is the most unselfish person I’ve ever met. Not too many people like that around, at least in my life. I tried sorting out my relationships with people in my life lately and how I just have basically put up with the bullshit from others. Why I take it, well maybe I have a weak Ego or something…but it keeps on popping up in my life. I have wackos in my personal life…as if I don’t deal with enough chaotic people at work. Hell, maybe I chose that profession of being a social worker because chaos is comfortable. Looking at it from that perspective makes it true.

I think the biggest factor affecting me is that I am not feeling satisfied right now. I’m feeling incomplete…I have many incomplete factors in life where I’m not “there yet”. Maybe that’s why I’ve not been kicking this weight thing in the ass like I need to be because everything else in my life is incomplete..I’m incomplete. So how do I get there? Completeness? Does one ever feel complete? Am I fully capable of completeness? The answer for me is no, right now. I cannot be complete until I end the chapters in my life that needs to be ended. Like the weight, I need to end my Fat Chapter in my life and be ready to go onto my healthy chapter. But how do you end the Fat Chapter when I’m still holding onto the values still. Am I ready to slam the door shut and run away from it or instead of running away, do I confront my Fat Chapter head on? I think I should confront it head on. Why did I get fat in the first place? What ideology did I hold to become fat because I haven’t always been this way…I was thin once…and can be thin again if I can get myself back on track again. Basically, I’m staying the same weight right now, which is good but I want to start to lose again but I’m lazy folks. My motivation is low. I want to start to exercise again, yet I can’t get over to the pool to check it out or sign up for the gym to do some weights. I think I’m in denial. Argh! At least I’m staying the same. So how do I get it back on track? Keep on trying because I haven’t given up yet…take care all-Kellie

March 8, 2001

Well I got that leather jacket that I was so ever longing for. I found it online at Lands End. I love that store. It’s really beautiful and it so slimming. I can’t believe I own something so pretty! They have a great selection of plus sizes, so I suggest everyone check it out because it is so worth it. When I get a pic of it, I will post it.

Okay, I got those American Dietetic Association cook books and they are so worth the money folks. I love them. They are for complete meal planing. The calories are based on the old pyramid diet and are 1500 calories a day. I’ve been on their diet for two days and it’s great. So why the change from WW123 to ADA? Well, it’s not exactly a change because I’m going to use both but I want to start cooking more meals and the meal planning offers that. I will keep you posted on that but so far so good. And the recipes kick butt! Yummy! This morning I ate a spud potato, mixed with green & red peppers, sautéed with ham and 2 tbsp. of cheese. It’s so hard to believe it’s low fat.

I’m moving! Not a big move but I’m buying out my lease to move across the street. In five months, I will save exactly $1000…now that’s a huge savings. Maybe I will be happier over there. Though, my heart is in Louisville. I want to get my doctorate so bad, I can taste it. Another year I can apply for the program…I can do it!

I went over to Detroit this weekend with Shawn to visit my sister and her husband. Lets just say Shawn was his worst behavior this weekend. I just talked to Carrie and Dennis, they thought his behavior was horrible. Then he was treating me so ever nicely too. Argh, I’m so weak…if this makes any sense but I feel him trying to drain my spirit. He’s so arrogant, nasty, uncaring, selfish, etc. He just is so focused on himself and every fiber of my being wants to say ‘get the *uck away from me’. I’m 25 years old and I feel powerless in this situation. I think it boils down to being alone or coming to the realization that I will never love him the way I should. We were supposed to go down and see his parents this weekend but I’m going to try to get out of that and say I’m sick or something. I need to be away from him because I loathe him. I just can’t be with him. He has no redeeming qualities. I tried to make it work, hell, I tried to blame everything on myself…this is my fault that I don’t feel love but hell you can’t make yourself love someone and at this point being alone is looking much more inviting than being with him. Argh, he’s suck a jerk and I’m suck a freaking weakling. Sorry had to get that out! Take care all-Kellie

My Vistors Since February 1, 2001