Oh, a morning post! Don’t I look good for work? I just needed to get this out, just like I needed to get yesterdays post out. Clarity came to me this morning about Chris. You know, I just need to take things at face value. I have to stop being a skeptic about things because really, he hasn’t given me any reason to question. The questions only came from the autofil. I know when I’m with him I know what I feel and it’s good. I think he is a trustworthy guy and I have to stop jumping to conclusions. Honestly, I do. So I’m vowing to myself and to all my faithful readers that no more checking up on him. I have to let whatever happens happens. So with that in mind, my insecurities are wiped away and I’m going to stop worrying about things. I’m a beautiful woman and I have a lot to offer a man and I think this was just stemming from a possible insecurity. If Chris isn’t the guy for me, well, there’s a lot more salmons out in the pond. I’d like to keep this one but if he’s not for me, he’s not for me but I’m not going to allow myself to analyze this situation anymore. That’s it. Done. Have a great day! Kellie
March 25, 2003
Gosh, my butt did not wake up for Weight Watchers this past weekend. I missed both of the meetings. I actually slept in for once but I’m actually kicking myself for doing that. I’m not too sure if I would have lost any because TOM was present but even if I stayed the same it would have been good. I just slept in! I have to say, I’ve been ravenous lately and eating at the top of my point range. I hope this stops because it’s driving me nuts. I still think I’m eating too many carbs lately so I have to get the protein back in my diet.
Well, today it’s been a year since I’ve been working out at CURVES and folks, I couldn’t be happier about it. I think when I started I was about 211 and now I’m 162, now that is progress. Honestly, CURVES works for me. I know it’s not for everyone but I really enjoy my time there. It’s like I’m working out with old friends. I know before, I kept to myself but now I sometimes socialize when it’s appropriate. Nothing too deep because I’m there to work out but it’s nice to chat with everyone.
Guess what I bought this weekend? A tankini!!! Finally I can fit into a decent stylish bathing suit. It’s so cute. As soon as I get the chance, I’ll snap off a pic of it. The funny thing is at Kohl’s, I couldn’t make my mind up with 2 Speedo Tankinis so I bought them both but then I remembered that Marshall’s just opened across the street so I went over there and found a great suit for $20. So I returned the Speedos yesterday because you just cannot beat a $20 suit.
Okay, the relationship thing is going good BUT I’ve been confused about something. I’ve found his profile on two other sites. Okay, I wasn’t looking but when I was at his house last week, we went on the computer and it went to that auto fill out and I couldn’t help but see a singles website come up. So I didn’t say anything and then of course, I came home and looked it up. He was on there on the ninth of this month. So I’ve been monitoring to see if he has been periodically checking up on it, and he hasn’t until yesterday. I found his profile on another site and he hadn’t been on it since the fifth but then he checked it tonight so I have no idea of what to think about this. All I have to say if this relationship does not work out this is the last time that I will meet someone online because now I feel as if I should have my guard up or something. The thing is that when I’m with him, I get no caution flags what so ever. I feel great, I think we enjoy each others company and so forth. Then when I find this out, it makes me over analyze. You know…it has me thinking like “what the f*** is up?”. Is he just looking because he is curious or is he looking at others to hook up? So I posted this message on the WW site. Pretty much everyone thought I was jumping to conclusions but I still need to be cautious. Why isn’t this easier? In a way, it makes me feel like I’m in limbo because I like him but in the back of my mind I’m thinking “Gosh, you got to be careful dear!”. Humm! Pickle! And I like this guy….argh!!!!I’m not too sure how to handle except that I need to ride it out I guess because I’ve been seeing him twice a week usually though, I haven’t talked to him on the phone that often but that’s because of our odd work schedule. The strange thing is that I’ve met his best friend and we got along. So that’s got to mean something, right? Okay, I’m just going to see where it goes…as you can see, I’m having an internal struggle with this. Hopefully, clarity will come my way. I just want the truth, no mind games, etc. Tell me that I’m being overly cautious and concerned for no reason and I’m blowing this out of proportion. That’s it for me tonight, take care all-Kellie
March 19, 2003
Hello…did not mean to have this much time pass between posts! I’m down another .25 pounds. So I’m officially down 64 pounds. Aunt Flow is rearing her ugly head probably this week so I highly doubt if I will have a major loss this week. I’ll be lucky if I stay the same but I will try.
One thing bad about dating…eating out too darn much! Chris likes to eat out so I’m finding that I have to be very careful not to over eat. Just by going out 2 more times a week really makes a difference because you start to crave that type of food. I figure that’s why I lost a quarter of a pound last week. So I’m trying to modify, eat less, and encourage eating in. Tomorrow I get to see him so I suggest to have some chicken on the grill and he went for it so I’m heading over there after work with some nice lean chicken breasts, potatoes, salad, and some strawberry shortcake skinny cows. OMG, if you have not had the new flavor of Strawberry Shortcake skinny’s you don’t know what you are missing! They are just fabulous.
As for the “relationship” department, things are going very well. I backed off a lot last week on the physical aspect (so no heavy make out sessions whatsoever). I gave him a big hug and a kiss when I initially saw him, maybe a mid date smooch, and then a nice kiss goodbye. Though, I hold his hand and give the touch often. I figure that would be more appropriate and it gives him less stress about the whole physical thing. Folks, this is a great guy and I’m in a deep state of like right now. I love spending time with him. I got introduced to his best friend Damon and Damon’s fiancée Heather on Saturday. They are really nice and I really liked hanging out with them. We all played board games until 2:30 am. So I’m looking forward to spending more time with them because they just seemed cool. The one thing that I’m finding that I am doing is that I’m like waiting for Chris to call me. Right now, we are on totally opposite schedules. He’s working a 2 – 11:00 shift and I’m on my usual 8 – 5 shift so last week when he had an early shift I was hoping that he would call but he didn’t. To tell you the truth, I would be better off not knowing his schedule because I just hope to hear from him. I know I need to not do this so I’m going to get back on schedule and do what I used to do. Now, that is harder than it sounds but I can do it. I’m seeing him on the average of twice a week. This week, I’m going to see him tomorrow night and then on Saturday after 4:30. When we usually get together, it’s usually after 4:00 on a weekend day. In a way, that is nice because I can go and get my errands ran. So it keeps our relationship nice and steady. I’m not looking forward to next month though. He’s got the milestones coming. His wife (Amy) passed away on April 4th and the wedding anniversary is on the 18th , which is Good Friday this year. I just hope it goes okay and he can get through this time okay. It’s like I don’t know what to expect. It will be two years on the 4th for him. All I can plan for is that I will just be there for him. If he wants to talk about it, I will listen but that’s it. Kellie the therapist will not be coming out because this is my personal life and that side of me stays at the office. I had a coworker ask me at work if he still has pictures of Amy around the house and he does. The amazing thing is that I didn’t notice that the first time I went there. The second time, I noticed a two, third time, well, I noticed quite a few. The coworker said that she would be bothered by the pictures…the strange thing is that I’m not. I don’t expect him to ever stop loving Amy but I expect him to have a place in his heart for me. I believe it’s possible to love more than one person and I’m hoping that he can love me for me because well, I’m Kellie. Time will tell but I’m enjoying myself. I will keep you all posted on things and as usual, if you have some advice to give, I’m always up for it. Take care all-Kellie
March 10, 2003
Yahoo!!! I’m down another 2.25 pound for the week. My scale says I’m 155 but WW is saying that I’m 162.75. That’s okay though. I figure that I’m on the home stretch for the weightloss portion of the journey. By the end of the summer, I should be reaching my goal of 140. I must admit that I’m not too sure if it’s going to say 140 on the WW scale because I don’t want to be 134 on my scale…now that is too thin for me. I need a little cushion on my bones and 134 would be too thin. The last time I was 134 was my high school graduation. I think when I was a freshman at CMU, I hovered between 140 – 150 pounds and from then on, it went up until I hit about 240 for graduation, yikes, 100 pounds in 5 years! Right now, I’m extremely happy/satisfied with my body. The only area that I would like to see some serious changes is in the stomach region because I’m a little flabby there.
Things are going wonderfully with Chris. I had a little scare yesterday though. Okay, let me explain the hole story. Okay, maybe this might be a little too much information for you all so if you don’t want to read it, don’t. On Thursday he came out to dinner. We spent the whole evening enjoying each others company physically. No skin on skin sexual stuff but I had his shirt off and he had mine off (my bra was on though). We just talked about the past and our sexual history. He talked about how he wasn’t always a physical person because he felt that he had body issues by being overweight (I guess at one time, he was 240 pounds). We talked about his wife and my ex-partners. So it was a pretty intimate conversation. At the end of the night, I had this feeling in my gut. It was like “Kellie, you are messing this up. You’re going too fast and you need to slow down.” I felt like I was never going to see him again. So on Friday, I got off work at 2 p.m. and drove out to his place. I felt like he was being really reserved like. Little touching, some hand holding but that’s it, and a couple of short kisses at the end of the night. That really freaked me out because I knew he was pulling away. But otherwise we had an awesome day. We went antiquing, exploring the area where he lives, played some trivia games, and went out to dinner. So my mom came out on Saturday (the folks where up from KY to do some drywalling) and I started crying with her. I told her that I’m just scared and I have this funny feeling that I’m blowing it. She just told me to slow it down and just enjoy myself. Then yesterday, I got an email from match.com stating that I have some perfect matches from them. Guess whose profile pops up? Chris’s. Well, I know for a fact that it wasn’t there before or I would have found it because his profile was on American Singles.com and I went there because I didn’t see anyone on match.com that I was interested in. It stated that the profile had been updated and last activity was 24 hours ago. Okay, I started to freak out. I just felt sick. I thought to myself here I met a wonderful guy and he turns out wanting to date other people when we had previously determined that we were not going to be seeing anyone else. So I call my sister and brother in law for some advice. After much counseling, we all came to the conclusion that I needed to call Chris to clarify the situation. So I called his cell and home phone and left him a message. He called me after he got out of work and I explained the situation about the profile and asked him if he was freaking out about us and if he wanted to date other people. He stated that he had an account with match.com but had cancelled it two months ago and he had no clue why his profile was up so he was freaking out. He apologized and then when he got home, he took his profile down.
Then he sent me this email last night: “Hello Kellie, I hope all is well. Thank-you for letting me know about the Match.com thing, I just went on there a few minutes ago, and I made sure it is gone, I don’t know how it got back online, and I am going to have to get together bottom of it. Like you it has been sending me so called matches for a while and maybe that is why my profile got back up there, I am not sure, but if you see it again let me know. I am sorry for any worry that it has caused you. I have really enjoyed our time together, and our time getting to know you, and no I am not getting freaked out about anything. The only thing that was beginning to worry me a little though was I was afraid that things may have been getting to physical to fast, and I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t the only thing that we had together, but when we together on Friday I knew that it wasn’t the case. I had such a good time enjoying your company, exploring the great outdoors, playing games, it was fun. I am just not sure how I feel about being too physical because like I was saying on Thursday it still feels like a root cause of what happened in the past, and truth be told I was never that much of a physical person in the past. Well I had better get to bed, I will try to give you a call tomorrow if it isn’t too late, otherwise I very much look forward to Friday, shall we have a rematch on the games? I can bring them over there if you would like, just let me know.
So I sent him this email back: Hi Chris, Thanks for being understanding about that. I was just confused and needing clarity on the situation because heck, I really like you and being with you the past two weeks have been very special too me. As for the intimacy, that's where I usually get myself into trouble. I dive "hormone" first into the relationship and this is something that I didn't want to do with you. My gut was going off on Thursday too and I was beating myself up over it. Friday just reaffirmed the fact there's more than just the physical attraction between us because I loved antiquing with you, playing the games, seeing the lake, and watching Dave. I'm looking forward to doing more stuff like that with you. It felt good...now that is true intimacy when you can sit and enjoy each other’s company by just doing normal everyday things. As for physical sexual intimacy, that will develop with time, I'm in no rush nor do I want to make past mistakes by hopping into a sexual relationship with you too soon. So I'm going to let you be in the drivers seat on that area, just continue to communicate with me, when you're ready let me know and we'll talk about it. What matters the most is the caring and just being with the person and enjoying who they are. I know this is a strange time for you but I'm here for you and I'm not planning on going anywhere...unless if you tell me to get lost and that would make me sad :( I'm actually glad this happened tonight. It brought some good things to light that needed to be said but maybe we were both afraid to say it. And thanks for being you because I just feel so grateful that you stepped into my life.
So that’s my email…I’m going to slow down and respect the boundaries of a new relationship. Hopefully, it’s not too late because I really like this guy. Though, I’m also going to proceed with caution too. Argh…frustrating. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie
March 2, 2003
Okay, I think February has been redeemed. It was an odd month because 1st I figured out that I wasn’t going to go down to Louisville and pursue the Ph.D. thing, then I was stressed out from vacation, then Tracy (Dennis’s sister) was murdered, I was overwhelmed at work, I found out my crush Mike was gay (okay folks, he is gay…I don’t know this for sure but darn is he showing the total signs), and then I met Chris. Okay, so he redeemed February. I went over to his home last night and it was so nice to spend time with him. Rest assure folks, he’s definitely not married or otherwise involved with anyone at this point in time (well besides with me). He did lose his wife about 2 years ago. There was a disease but I forgot what it was called. He said he thought it was the flu but it turned out to be a virus where your body turns on itself by attacking it. He lost her and his unborn child. I couldn’t imagine what he had to go through during this time. He said it took about a year to even feel again and then the last year he said he was finally seeing green grass. This guy is great. Totally the type of guy I’ve always been attracted to. Cool sense of humor, beautiful eyes and smile, and just a 10 for me. Funny thing is that he reminds me of my first boyfriend David so it’s kind of settling. Funny how one is always attracted to someone and they remind them of the past in a way (this is a good thing). Last night he cooked me dinner. He made a Chicken Casserole and it was excellent so the guy knows how to cook. We then watched two movies and just chatted all night (mixed in with some cuddle time too!). Oh, this is so nice. Then I got a page out for oncall so I had to leave at 12:30 and do a screening. We’re spending the day together today. Movie and lunch out at BW-3’s. I’m just enjoying my time with him…as you can see.
Well, I’m down another 1.5 pounds. I would have been down more but I had a whole can of green beans the night before weigh in. I know…stupid Kellie. I totally forgot all the sodium that was inside of canned green beans. Funny topic at the meeting this week was that “Have you noticed that you’ve been hungry this week, no matter what you did?” and that was so true. I was absolutely starving this week. I thought it was do to my eating too many carbs but I guess that wasn’t the case. The WW leader stated that this is common for this time of year because it’s the point in the season where we are wanting it to be summer yet our bodies is telling us it’s winter still. She just told us to bear with the program until things settle down. I think I’m going to eat more protein this week because last week, I had a lot of Carbs. We’ll see if that will make any difference.
Things are just going well for me right now folks. I don’t know how to explain it but everything is falling into place ever so slowly. I just have to say that losing the weight does impact your life in a huge way. A year ago, I was miserable. I was 80 pounds overweight, I couldn’t wear the clothes I wanted to, I was in a pathetic relationship where I couldn’t move on, etc. Losing the weight really helped me address the issues that I needed to address. I needed to address the way I ate, I needed to make changes in my life and losing the weight has helped me do that. Honestly, I am a hell of a lot happier now, my whole attitude has changed and this is due to the weightloss because it impacts every aspect of your life. It’s amazing how I allowed the fat to change me as a person, I always felt hidden amongst my fat…it was like my barrier from interacting with the outside world but now I’m an active participant in life. Not to say that this is anyone else’s experience but this is how I felt and how I feel now is 1000 times better than I ever would have imagined. Life is good! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie
Oh, a morning post! Don’t I look good for work? I just needed to get this out, just like I needed to get yesterdays post out. Clarity came to me this morning about Chris. You know, I just need to take things at face value. I have to stop being a skeptic about things because really, he hasn’t given me any reason to question. The questions only came from the autofil. I know when I’m with him I know what I feel and it’s good. I think he is a trustworthy guy and I have to stop jumping to conclusions. Honestly, I do. So I’m vowing to myself and to all my faithful readers that no more checking up on him. I have to let whatever happens happens. So with that in mind, my insecurities are wiped away and I’m going to stop worrying about things. I’m a beautiful woman and I have a lot to offer a man and I think this was just stemming from a possible insecurity. If Chris isn’t the guy for me, well, there’s a lot more salmons out in the pond. I’d like to keep this one but if he’s not for me, he’s not for me but I’m not going to allow myself to analyze this situation anymore. That’s it. Done. Have a great day! Kellie
Gosh, my butt did not wake up for Weight Watchers this past weekend. I missed both of the meetings. I actually slept in for once but I’m actually kicking myself for doing that. I’m not too sure if I would have lost any because TOM was present but even if I stayed the same it would have been good. I just slept in! I have to say, I’ve been ravenous lately and eating at the top of my point range. I hope this stops because it’s driving me nuts. I still think I’m eating too many carbs lately so I have to get the protein back in my diet. 
Hello…did not mean to have this much time pass between posts! I’m down another .25 pounds. So I’m officially down 64 pounds. Aunt Flow is rearing her ugly head probably this week so I highly doubt if I will have a major loss this week. I’ll be lucky if I stay the same but I will try. 
Yahoo!!! I’m down another 2.25 pound for the week. My scale says I’m 155 but WW is saying that I’m 162.75. That’s okay though. I figure that I’m on the home stretch for the weightloss portion of the journey. By the end of the summer, I should be reaching my goal of 140. I must admit that I’m not too sure if it’s going to say 140 on the WW scale because I don’t want to be 134 on my scale…now that is too thin for me. I need a little cushion on my bones and 134 would be too thin. The last time I was 134 was my high school graduation. I think when I was a freshman at CMU, I hovered between 140 – 150 pounds and from then on, it went up until I hit about 240 for graduation, yikes, 100 pounds in 5 years! Right now, I’m extremely happy/satisfied with my body. The only area that I would like to see some serious changes is in the stomach region because I’m a little flabby there. 
Okay, I think February has been redeemed. It was an odd month because 1st I figured out that I wasn’t going to go down to Louisville and pursue the Ph.D. thing, then I was stressed out from vacation, then Tracy (Dennis’s sister) was murdered, I was overwhelmed at work, I found out my crush Mike was gay (okay folks, he is gay…I don’t know this for sure but darn is he showing the total signs), and then I met Chris. Okay, so he redeemed February. I went over to his home last night and it was so nice to spend time with him. Rest assure folks, he’s definitely not married or otherwise involved with anyone at this point in time (well besides with me). He did lose his wife about 2 years ago. There was a disease but I forgot what it was called. He said he thought it was the flu but it turned out to be a virus where your body turns on itself by attacking it. He lost her and his unborn child. I couldn’t imagine what he had to go through during this time. He said it took about a year to even feel again and then the last year he said he was finally seeing green grass. This guy is great. Totally the type of guy I’ve always been attracted to. Cool sense of humor, beautiful eyes and smile, and just a 10 for me. Funny thing is that he reminds me of my first boyfriend David so it’s kind of settling. Funny how one is always attracted to someone and they remind them of the past in a way (this is a good thing). Last night he cooked me dinner. He made a Chicken Casserole and it was excellent so the guy knows how to cook. We then watched two movies and just chatted all night (mixed in with some cuddle time too!). Oh, this is so nice. Then I got a page out for oncall so I had to leave at 12:30 and do a screening. We’re spending the day together today. Movie and lunch out at BW-3’s. I’m just enjoying my time with him…as you can see.
My Vistors Since February 2, 2003
