May 31, 2000

Ah, May 31 is a major historical date for my family. 15 years ago today, our house burned down when I was 9 years old. It was 1985 and we lived in Oak Park, Michigan. There was a huge storm the night before and lighting hit the power lines and the electrical current traveled around the fence, hit the aluminum garbage cans filled with water, and traveled up to the 2nd floor and proceed to slowly burn the house down. Luckily when the house started to really burn down, a police man was going by our house and saw that it was smoking…if he hadn’t of been there, we would have lost completely everything…we lost a lot of stuff but not all our stuff. Though, my sister and I lost everything almost. Our bedrooms were upstairs and that received the most amount of damage. The kitchen, the dinning room, and the den were completely destroyed. My parent’s room, the living room, and the basement was okay. Luckily the family pictures were untouched in a closet but some had minor water damage. At the time, no one was in the house. Carrie and I were at Latchkey and the folks were at work. While we were at Latchkey that day, family friends kept on peeking in at us and whispering. Carrie and I began to freak out because we knew they were talking about us. Finally after a half an hour a neighbor explained the situation and took us to watch our burning house. It was awful…people were actually telling jokes about the house catching on fire! Luckily all of our animals made it safely out of the house. Our neighbors donated us some clothes and so did our church and someone gave us a place to rent while the house was being repaired. The funny thing that happened was that my parents were trying to move from the house at the time it burned…by the time the house was repaired we had several bids on the house and we were able to move out to the country. Funny how things happen like that! Maybe a tragedy does have a ray of hope in it.

Where the hell have I been, right? Well I took an unexpected trip to Louisville and I hung out with Teresa on Saturday and then on Sunday I found out that someone wanted to rent my apartment early so I got my crap together and managed to move on Tuesday. At least now I won’t be as broke as I thought I was going to be! I’ve moved 14 TIMES IN THE LAST SEVEN YEARS and it just gets harder and harder to move. I must admit to be a pack rat so I had to throw a ton of stuff out yesterday when I moved. I can honestly say though that I am sick of moving. I want to live in the same place for at least a year and half. Now I just need to find a job…yeah, right! Honestly, I am not motivated to look right now; I guess I am in that vacation mode. I think this is the longest span of time that I have gone without working. I must admit I was a tad bit stressed over the job thing a while ago but I’m not anymore…I guess what ever happens, happens!

I stayed the same this week. I think this was due to my eating out this weekend…ah, I even splurged a little and got that country fried chicken at the Cracker Barrel (gosh that was so good) but I kicked it in the butt today and got back on track. I took a pic today and I must admit to liking the new hairdo…it makes my face look a lot slimmer. Speaking of tacking the pic, when I went to put on my jeans, I tore the belt loop! I found it mildly amusing and I thought, that won’t happen to me when I’m thin! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

May 26, 2000

I got rid of all my heavy summer clothes and it feels so good. I sold them on ebay and guess what? I made a ton of money. I just sold a few shorts and some shirts and I made $100 (I’m going to put this money towards my digital camera!). Ladies, if you are losing the weight and want to get rid of your heavier clothes, I urge you to sell your clothes on ebay because you make enough money to buy you some new clothes for the summer. I still have some heavy fall clothes to get rid of but I have to wait until August until I put them up so I can get a better price on them. People really don’t buy stuff out of season. I also bought some new sorts on ebay too, I got a pair of khaki woolrich shorts for $6.99 that were new and they are just fabulous (and they are a size 16)! Ebay is a godsend to heavier women. To tell you the truth, I would rather have resale clothes than new clothes. Ebay offers a lot of sizes and selections and so far I haven’t been burned. At Lane Bryant, you can’t even buy a shirt for $20 and on ebay you can get at least one to three items. Besides, I hate Lane Bryant…it’s an evil place that exploits us larger ladies. Their prices are way too expensive for the quality you’re getting. For example, when I went shopping for an interview suit, they wanted $220 for a suit but when I went to Lord and Taylor they wanted only $90 for a suit something is wrong there! We are being taken advantage of…yes we are larger but that doesn’t mean Lane Bryant has to inflate their prices like that. Material isn’t that costly!

Oh, if any of you out there eat BALANCE BARS, more.com is offering buy one box and get a box of honey almond bars for free. So for $14.99 you are getting 2 boxes for the price of one, what a great deal! I just got my boxes and the bars taste great. I’ve been trying to add soy to my diet and so far it’s great. Those smoothies I make are low in fat and they are low in points. But I just have one question, how much soy should one have in a day? If you know email me or post it on the buddy board. I would appreciate that, thanks!

I need a change so I’m making a big decision…the hair is going to be cut short! Yes, I’m going back to short hair! I’m going to go to great clips this afternoon to get it cut. Wish me luck and I will post a pic after I get it done. I’m going to go back to the short style in the id but I’m going to avoid the bangs. Take care all-Kellie

Later: Well I got it done and I think it looks great! It's nice to have a change in hairstyle. What do you think?

May 24, 2000

****Warning!!Warning!! Female Discussion!!****One thing interesting hat I earned in my psychopathology class last semester is that when women are experiencing pms, and if they are on medication for depression, axziety, etc. they usually give them more of the drug that they are taking because of their hormone levels…I mentioned this because my hormones are out of wack this month. I don’t know if it’s the birth-control that they gyn put me on because of my mid-cylce bleeding or if it’s the changes that have been occurring around me but I feel like I’m in a funk and I need to get out of it, especially this week because the TOM is approaching or is supposed to come because I’m on the week of the green sugar pills and it’s Wednesday and the period still hasn’t shown up! It makes me wonder when my period will start because usually I have some major cramping and so far, no major cramping? So I’m just waiting. I’m overly emotional this week, like I felt like crying a couple of times but I couldn’t until tonight. I was really worn out tonight, my body was aching from working out, cutting and preparing strawberries (I’ll tell you about that in a few), and then to find out we have a new baby calf! Which was unexpected because we didn’t even think our cows were pregnant. Me and the folks had to jot around the 50 acres and I was attacked by flies when I was searching for the poor little thing…the momma left it alone so we were trying to hook the two back together…I’m telling you a 2 day old calf can run pretty damn fast! So me and the folks got back in after not being able to catch the calf and we were all irrated at each other and my mom was being pissy and I took it the wrong way and I went to the bedroom and mopped until 11:15 pm…I guess everything was piling up on me and finally I was able to let some emotion out. I’m an emotional person in most cases but sometimes I just can’t cry when I want to. Now I feel better but I have to learn how to relax a bit, instead of hating this time that I have off, I need to embrace it. Man is there such thing as post-school depression?!?!

Strawberries…Strawberries…Strawberries…please I don’t want to see another strawberry! My folks planted some strawberries last year and they are coming in like weeds. It’s been two weeks now since they have become ripped and we have 60 gallons of berries! I’m so sick of slicing them it’s making me ill…I just want to know when it’s going to stop and does anyone out there have any good recipes for the strawberries? I’ve been making a tofu smoothie with them and they are pretty damn good! I take firm tofu, soy milk & milk, frozen berries, a scoop of non-fat ice cream, and I blend it and it taste’s amazing…I didn’t know tofu could taste that good! Well that’s it for me tonight, take care all-Kellie

May 22, 2000

Okay, ever since I recommitted myself to my weight loss I’ve been doing great! I guess that weight gain is the medicine that I really needed to get things into perspective about my diet and what I needed to do to make it more successful. Since recommitting myself, I am back to exercising, eating more veggies, and I have been tracking my points ever so carefully. I’ve also been using diet watch to track my overall calories, fat, protein, and carb intakes. One thing that I noticed at first when using diet watch is that a couple of days, my sodium intake has been high. It’s amazing what products out on the market have sodium in it. So I’m trying to work on that. Basically, I catch some cereal for breakfast, a frozen dinner for lunch, and a regular dinner for supper. So far it tends to be working; now I just have to stop myself from weighing in each morning…I must go back to my weekly weigh in day. It’s so tempting to weigh yourself everyday but is it healthy? For me no…because it’s so easy to get discouraged when you are doing well. So I will try to avoid weighing in until next Monday.

I took my weekly picture yesterday and I must say, I really don’t care for the digital camera picture. I like my Polaroid’s better! Maybe, I’ll switch back and forth between the two because to tell you the truth, I like having a picture in my hand over a picture on the screen. I think it’s great that I am going back to the weekly pic. I stopped doing the frequent pictures because I didn’t have anyone to take them when I was living in my apartment…now since I’ve been staying with the folks, I have no excuse. I swear, when I first started the diet, they were the inspiration to keep me going. In every pic, I could see the changes that were occurring in my body, I was excited! I’ll be excited again for the pictures because it shows my efforts are paying off.

As for the job thing…I still haven’t heard from the recruiter…It’s been 3 FREAKIN’ WEEKS! I guess the person that was going to meet me had jury duty so who knows when they are going to get someone out too see me. I’m trying to be patient about this job thing but it’s hard. In a way, I would just like to know where am I going? Am I getting the job in PA or am I being “exiled” back to MI…who knows! Maybe no news is good news, but it would be nice to hear something…something at all! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

May 19, 2000

What in the heck was up with those soap awards?!?!?! Gosh, if the constant shots of Rosie O’Donnell weren’t enough to kill me, the right people weren’t winning. Okay so I might be a tad bit biased but I absolutely love the Young and The Restless. I’ve been an avid fan since 1984, when my mom started to watch it. They should have won the best soap award this year because the story lines were great…General Hospital had to go and win it, yuck! I stopped watching GH back in 1992 when Anna and Robert left the show. Anyways..getting back to Rosie, I must admit she annoys the HELL out of me. Okay, you’re either a Rosie fan or not, aka love her or hate her. I just can’t stand her, infact, I’ve never been able to sit through a whole show with her. I had this roommate in college that would race home from classes just to be sure that she would not miss Rosie…when she would have a rerun, my roommate would get pissed. I respect her in the fact that she uses her fame for helping out charities but besides that, it would be purgatory to have to sit through one of her shows.. “Hello may name is Rosie…I like to sing..lalala..I love Tommy!!!Oh Tommy!! And my hero is Barbara..Oh Barbara, love me!!” Forgive me Rosie lovers…but that’s just my opinion!

My rejuvenation has been successful! I have fire in my belly about this weightloss journey again. I’ve been exercising at the YMCA and I have been tracking my point’s very closely. It seems that for the last two days, I have been eating my maximum allotted points of 29. So I was wondering if that is bad to eat all your points? I’m just curious…

I made the trek down to the basement today to check out my old clothes, my thin clothes, and I’ve came to the realization…I DON’T HAVE THAT FAR TO GO!!! Okay, 50 pounds isn’t that much; I’m like half way there! I brought up a pair of Eddie Bauer jeans that I wore 4 years ago and I can get them on and I actually have room in the legs. I’ve decided to use these jeans in my progress pic on Sunday. I hope by the end of the summer, I will be able to wear them! Wouldn’t that be nice? I sold my old summer clothes on ebay and I made about $130 off of them. I bought some shorts last weekend and it looks like I am wearing sizes between a 16 and 18 W. Hopefully, I will move on to the regular 16’s soon. Well that’s it for me tonight take care all-Kellie

May 17, 2000

I guess I was so overwhelmed that I gained the weight yesterday that I ignored that I was on weight watchers for a year! Wow, I’ve been at this weight loss thing for a whole year…it’s amazing and oh my how time really does fly. I can’t believe that I am down 41 pounds since starting my journey. It feels like just yesterday that I began the plan. I swear weight watchers is the best plan out there for me. I hope you all have found diet plans that are successful for you because it’s a real drag when you try something and it doesn’t work. Weight watchers has worked for me and to celebrate my anniversary, I have re-committed myself to the program. I will begin to faithfully track my points (I must admit I haven’t been writing down what I eat lately), I re-joined the YMCA today, I will eat more veggies, I will post weekly progress pics (finally huh Kristina?! It’s about time…I haven’t had a new pic in months and I used to worked hard for that weekly pic) I’ll stay away from bread, crackers, refined sugars, and etc, and most importantly I will work on my stress and social over eating patterns. Okay, my temporary goal is to be 172 by August 30. I want to drop at least 20 pounds this summer. That is feasible. I can do it!

I must admit to being a tad bit stressed and overwhelmed right now. I guess I really wasn’t prepared to graduate…okay, I know this sounds hokey but I’m not prepared for real life. I’ve been in school for 20 years, most of my life, and now I have to go out, find a job, and deal with the real world now?!?!?! I would have been much happier being the eternal student. Maybe I’m trying to ignore the fact that I am getting older, that’s probably it. I feel pressure…social, family, friends, personal, and they are all tugging me in different directions. And I wish that recruiter from the job would call…last weekend people were trying to talk me out of going to PA and you know what, for a little while there, I actually talked myself out of going to PA. Then I woke up on Monday morning and I just started to ball, the floodgates were wide open. I started to think why am I letting others control my life path? They don’t walk in my shoes, they are not me! I have to live with my decisions for the rest of my life and I don’t want to settle. If that job is mine (like the recruiter said), I want it. What do I have to lose? If it doesn’t work out, I’ll move onto something else…if the job isn’t mine, at least I will think that I tried to accomplish a goal by going after what I want. What it boils down to is that I’m used to having everything planed out…for the first time in my life, I really don’t have a plan. That kind of scares me…enough of that boo-ho stuff (I’m sure some of you have been in situations like this before). Onto something else!

I found two fabulous products out there…one is a cookie and the other is a sunless tanning lotion. I was walking around Big Lots today and I came across Nabisco’s National Arrowroot Cookie for babies and I bought a box for .99 cents. When I got to the car, I opened them up and had a few. They were the best tasting cookies I have had in a long time. If you have four cookies it is only 1 point (or 80 calories and minimal carbs). The next product I found was at Wal-mart. I was looking for some tan less lotion so it would appear that I actually had some sun on my legs. After browsing through the lotions, I picked up Banana Boat Sunless tan lotion for $4.97. I was a wee bit skeptical at first about it because I have had some bad experiences in the past with the lotion but to my surprise when I slapped the lotion on and in tow hours, I got a beautiful natural looking tan. No longer are my legs a pasty white…they are tan…they are beautiful and guess what? No streaks! Folks, you got to try this stuff out! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

May 16, 2000

Good news, I’m back! I have no excuses accept I was busy with graduation. I had an excellent ceremony and it was a whole lot of fun. I didn’t cry at all, here I thought I would be balling all over but I didn’t.

Bad news…I, Kellie, gained 4 pounds this week. Yes, four pounds! I swear I need an ass whopping on that one. It was like the week was one restaurant after another. It all started on Friday. I went to that student reception and I ate, and I ate, and I ate. I had fried chicken, with ranch sauce, Caesar salad, and two pieces of gourmet pie. Then Saturday, Shawn and I went to Chili’s and we got the mombo combo, I ordered a fried chicken sandwich, and a Pina Colada. Then later that night we went to BW-3 and ate some buffalo chips and cheese, 2 bloody mary’s, and 10 hot wings. Sunday, I ate a huge breakfast omelet and later that night had a bunch of bread, some butter, and an order of Chicken Parmesan, paired with another bloody mary. Monday, I did no better! I’m telling you all this because I am confessing my sins of overeating. So what am I to do? Well those four pounds will be coming off this week and next week with more to follow. I know better than to eat that crap but yet I am still drawn to it in social situations. Humm, what the hell! I definitely need to work on that issue because life is surrounded with social eating and I have to eat healthier than that when I am with other people. I can’t eat like others…because I put weight on fast. Today was a recommitment day. I ate well and tomorrow, you bet I will be hitting the YMCA to redo my membership. It’s so easy to let yourself spin mildly out of control after eating too much so you bet I’m going to nip this weight gain in the bud. I’ll get through this! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

May 11, 2000

I’m back in Louisville! I decided to bring my computer along just in case…besides I’m selling some stuff on ebay and I have to keep close tabs on it. I’ll probably go back to my folks place sometime next week but I’m not too sure. I I need to get this place spotless for my landlord so she can bring some people through. I hope they love this apartment as much as I have.

I went shopping today for an interview suit. After wandering from store to store, I jotted into Lord and Taylor and I found the perfect suit. I got a skirt, shell, and coat for $80, it is so beautiful. The color is a sage and it makes me look like a million dollars. I tried on the 16W but the skirt was too tight so I tried on the 18W and it was perfect. Now I just have to find the perfect shoes! That will be a chore! Well it’s lat so I’m going to get off to bed…I’ll write more tomorrow! Take care all-Kellie

May 10, 2000

I am gripping to 192 by the skin of my teeth! It was so ecstatic when I weighed in I could almost cry because I ate so bad last weekend. It’s not that I ate horribly bad yet, I didn’t eat healthy. In fact maybe gaining a pound would have taught me a lesson because I shouldn’t eat like that when traveling. But overall I didn’t lose! Amazing…but it prompted me to get my ass in gear because I need a jump-start. 192 isn’t a bad weight but I would have liked to be 170 on my graduation day. It’s not that I haven’t worked hard for my weight loss but I feel I’ve been putting a 70% effort into it…where’s that 110% go getter attitude that I need? I know things have been hectic lately for me but that’s not an excuse because life is hectic…yeah, sometimes you get to feel that serenity but it only lasts for a short while. I haven’t had serenity since early February. Everything in my life has been race, race, and race. I am hoping the next couple of weeks, I will find some peace.

I graduate from the University of Louisville on Sunday. Wow, I have been out of school since the 21st of April and I’m finally graduating this weekend? Wow, what a break…I swear they were thinking right about having it that late because I wouldn’t enjoy as much if it had been sooner. My sister’s graduation was nice. Carrie graduated from Michigan State University and she was recognized as the best student (GPA wise) in her graduating class of audiology and speech sciences. The keynote speaker introduced her and the other top students from their respective colleges so it was an honor to see Carrie get that type of recognition. Too bad the little crapperdoodle isn’t going to graduate school. I guess her plan is to work with Dennis until they save up some money to open a group home. I hope they will do okay. I’ll be going back to Louisville tomorrow. I’m debating on taking my computer…I’ve chatted about how heavy my monitor is and I don’t know if I want to go through that but I’ll think about it. Besides, I am wondering if I will have time for the puter because Friday I have a reception, Saturday Carrie and Dennis are coming down, and Sunday the folks are rolling into town and it’s graduation day. Then I’m supposed to have that interview for the job sometime next week if she doesn’t have jury duty. Argh! Am I going to have any rest?!?!? It’s okay I guess I am just looking forward to settling down. That’s it for me today, take care everyone-Kellie

May 4, 2000

Okay, it’s 10:35 and we were supposed to be on the road by now but as usual my family takes forever to get their crap together. My mom and dad just pitter around so I am trying to calm myself down but typing out an entry. My dad decided to check the electric fence 45 minutes ago and it see if it was working but guess what? It’s not…a tree branch is hitting it somewhere so now he has to walk around the whole property, we are talking 52 acres and it’s not flat, mainly hills and mountains. My dad doesn’t want to leave until the fence is fixed because the cows might take off down the road. We really don’t have to worry about the horses too much because they never get out. Argh, if I had it my way we would have left at 8. I should be more patient about this but they woke me up at six to get ready and now they are not? Typical…humm, I think I’ll drive first so I don’t have to drive in Ohio…it’s such a boring drive on I-75. Gosh, wish me luck and patience! Take care all-Kellie *my dad finally came in the door, gosh I hope we can leave now! Nope no luck…now he has to take a shower…patience Kellie, patience!*

May 3, 2000

Exercise: Tae-Bo tape

Whoa that Tae-Bo is something else…yikes, mucho intimidated but I will work up in fitness level as time goes bye. I must say Bill Banks motivated me because he knows when to give that extra boost of encouragement. His style reminded me of Susan Powter…I love her tapes because she would sweat along with you and she knew when to say wow, this is getting difficult. I have a great workout tape of hers somewhere; maybe I should pull it out sometime. Though, it involves a step so I would just use the floor moves. I fear the step because my knees are semi weak, due to multiple injuries of falling on the frozen ice in Michigan. I swear I would always fall at this one place between Pierce and Anspa Halls on the campus of CMU (if there’s any fellow Chippewa’s out there you know where that is…). There was this bumpy rocky pavement under some trees and every year I would slip…I guess I never learned my lesson. So I try to take it easy on the knees. Swimming was perfect for me but since I am in limbo here I have to alternate my workout. I think when I get back from Louisville I need to get back in with the YMCA. Even though I dislike the workers I am there to work out so f-them. My body craves the gym, heck I crave the gym because I love the machinery.

It looks like I am going to have 3 A’s and an A- for my final semester of my coursework at the University of Louisville. Ah, I was so close to having a 4.0 overall but freakin’ Frager (my psychopathology professor) gave me an A- or let me restate that, I earned an A- from Frager. When I first called my school’s hotline for grades I thought they said I had an A for the class but when I called back today, it said “A hyphen”. Now what the hell is a freakin A hyphen?!?!?!…why didn’t they say A MINUS? Darn KY schools. Oh well, I must say I am much impressed because at CMU my cumulative gpa was 2.80 with a 3.4 in my major but I am graduating U of L with a 3.8 gpa so I’m proud of myself. Who would have thought a girl from Marine City, Michigan would have made it into CMU (a counselor told me to stay in my small town because my grades were not good enough for college), graduated from CMU, get accepted at University of Louisville, and graduate with honors with a Master’s Degree in Social Work! Piss on the non-believers. If I must say one thing I have learned is other’s opinions about your self don’t matter, it’s what you think about yourself. Don’t let anyone keep you from reaching your dreams. I’ve also had goals and aspirations and I have gone after them..most of the time I have reached my goals because I worked hard for them! Go after what you want and try not to let anything or anyone stand in your way because in the long run, whose life is it affecting the most, yours or theirs?

On the job front, I forgot to mention that on Monday, the recruiter told me that she wants me to work for the company and I am pretty much hired but I have to go through some formalities. As long as I don’t flunk out on an interview that I have to go to around the 15th of May, I am in. She said that she mentioned my name to the CEO of the company so if I want to start to negotiate, he would have the power. He’ll give me a call after the interview. They are looking for Master’s Level therapist to work with the adolescent’s boys or girls. The facilities are located near Erie, Gettysburg, Harrisburg, or Philly, PA. I would prefer to work in Gettysburg because I love Gettysburg and the cost of living is cheap out there. Like if I make $32,000 it’s like getting paid $33,000 in Louisville, which is great because the cost of living in Louisville is cheap. But in Philly it’s expensive to live and that $32000 would be like earning $26000 so that’s not good. So tell me, are there any good looking boys in PA…I go for that “nerdy, not a bad nerdy but a guy with the glasses that looks like a lawyer look”…just kidding, I’ll have to work through my emotional baggage before I land in another relationship so I am pumped…Now, I just have to give a good interview and swoosh, I’m off to PA. I tend to adapt well to new situations, I know I won’t know anyone but that’s half of the challenge and fun. I came to Louisville two years ago, not knowing a soul and I am walking out with some good friends. The recruiter said she would like me to start working in June but with all the moving, I foresee me working in July out there. I still have things to tie up out here. Plus, I need time to move and get situated and I need a new vehicle. Black Beauty, my car, has to go…I’m sorry b.b but I need to get a vehicle that is dependable and I can take it on long trips. I think I want to move to a Cherokee (Grand or Regular) or a Wrangler, maybe a 1994 or 1995 model. My dad is retired from Chrysler so I’m a Chrysler fan (forget that DiamlerChrysler crap…I’m old school) or I’m an Oldsmobile/GM fan but I want to get a 4x4 so I won’t have any trouble in the snow. This is exciting…I am no longer scared about my future, of course that is me speaking right here right now!

I’m heading out of town for the rest of the week. My sister Carrie is graduating Summa Cum Laude (4.0 overall GPA) from Michigan State University. The little crapperdoodle decided not to go on for her master’s right now(she had a full ride to MSU’s speech pathology program), she said she hates Speech Pathology and she wants nothing to do with it. Me, mom, and dad are stunned but I’m trying to look at it as okay, it’s her life, she can do whatever she wants with it…but someone so bright needs to go one, especially since her degree is worthless without a graduate degree. She said she and Dennis (her husband) want to open a group home for the elderly…great idea but she needs to learn how to run a nursing home, it’s not that easy to get those insurance payments so she has to be knowledgeable. Hopefully it will be a calm weekend without any fighting (parents are still kind of edgy about her not going on) but my sister is the type of person that can’t be questioned about her actions…if you pry too deep, she cries or gets upset because she thinks that you are attacking her. We are definitely mirror opposites.

I guess Michigan is supposed to be unusually warm so I’m at a loss for clothes because I have no summer clothes. Which is a good thing because my 22w shorts hang on me. I’m wearing 18 jeans with a lot of room or a 16 jeans that fits snuggly but I am a definite 16 in dresses. I guess I will have to stuff it out in jeans and a tee shirt, hopefully, I won’t be too hot. I’m going to be pawning off my summer clothes on ebay when I get back to fund a new summer wardrobe but it feels so good to be almost out of those plus sizes! We’ll folks wish me a safe trip and I will be back on Monday (unless I can use my sisters computer to post) take care and have a great week!-Kellie

May 1, 2000

Happy May Day! Okay, I must admit I forgot what May Day was but I was told twice happy May Day so I better do some researching on the history of today.

Well, I am embarking on my first year of dieting…and it feels great. I know I am losing it slowly (we are talking at a snails pace) but that’s what I want. I know since starting the journey, I wavered a bit in December/January (in the sense that I went up and down on the scales) but since then I have maintained or lost so I can’t complain too much. I must admit when I first started this weight loss journey, I would have believed that I would have achieved my goal within the year but it didn’t happen. I guess realistically, I realized that in November. Its not that I was trying to have a self-filling prophecy but I knew if I lost weight any faster, it wouldn’t be good for me. I have the strength in me now to know that I can maintain the weight I have lost because heck, I’ve been stuck on the scales countless times. To tell you the truth, I’m not starving myself either…I refuse to. I eat well, I eat healthy, and losing weight takes time and effort. I swear it’s a mental thing too. I must admit to having a low self-esteem before this journey. I had always had low self-esteem, until now. When I look in the mirror, I am satisfied…I love the way I look…I’m seeing me for me. It is sad to think that I didn’t feel this way before, I picked myself to death, and I was beautiful..ergh! if only the me now could have conversed with the young me…I would have told the younger Kellie to love herself, take pride, and hold herself up high. But this weight loss journey has made me into a stronger person and I am thinking like a thin person. So I pose this question to you all, are you thinking like a thin person? Are you working on your self-esteem if you suffered from low self-esteem before? I hope so because it’s a major key in our success.

When I went to church on Sunday, I noticed the minister’s wife picked up some major weight within the last six months and it made me think about myself and how I picked up the weight so fast. When I looked at her, I wondered what happened? Then I wondered if people in my life wondered the same way about me. I know I packed on the weight super fast. In less than 10 months, I had gained about 70 pounds. Gosh, that must have been a huge shock to others around me because I went to my junior year in school at 160 and I came out weighing 230. So I asked my folks about what they thought about it and they said they couldn’t believe it, they couldn’t believe I had gained so much so fast. Heck, I couldn’t believe that I gained so much so fast…so what made me gain weight? Was I depressed? Was it my relationship with Shawn? What was it? I think it was a combination of a lot of things but I think it got worse when I gained more and more weight. Gaining the weight made me depressed. I would often cry myself to sleep at night dreaming of the thinner Kellie and how my life was semi better back then. I must admit to still blaming Shawn a lot still. I would have thought I would have gotten over that by now but I haven’t. Our relationship is an unhealthy one because we eat like crap when we are together…it’s like we are enabling each other with the weight. To tell you the truth, I am afraid to have a future with him. I don’t want to end up the way I used to be but to tell you the truth old habits are hard to break! So I have to make a decision pretty soon about my future. You know what? I crave to start out new again…I want to date again. Gosh, I haven’t been single since 1994. Is that so wrong of me? I talk to my friend Teresa about this and she says I at least owe it to Shawn to live in the same state. But a few weeks ago Shawn and I were talking and he said, “We’ll at least we could see each other on the weekends if you lived in the same state.” Huh? A weekend relationship? I want more, I deserve more. Don’t get me wrong, Shawn’s a great guy but it’s like he’s not the one I want to wake up to each morning…I’m desiring something else. So where does this take me? Well folks, it’s decision time coming up. Will Kellie go back to Michigan and try to work things out? Or will she go on the road less traveled and take the job at the camp working with at risk youth, in PA? Stay tuned and we’ll see. Thanks for reading my rambling, take care all-Kellie

May 1, 2000

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