November 22, 2002

Finally, this week is over! It was a rough workweek (just the same old doom and gloom budget cuts, blah, blah, blah) so thank God it’s Friday night. Though, I’m on call today and tomorrow until 4pm. Well, at least I get paid for it. I’m going to funnel that money into the budget. I figure that I can maintain my standard of living if I can make an additional $200 a month via ebay or oncall once a month. We’ll see how long that one lasts. Speaking of ebay…I’m liquidating my closet space to get rid of some of my 22 – 18 clothes. I have some Ralph Lauren, Elisabeth, and Land’s End stuff listed so be sure to check my auctions out. There’s a link on the main page.

I’m totally dreading Christmas shopping because I’m not too sure what to shop for this year. Once again we have that $20 limit so it’s pretty challenging to stay within the budget but I can do it. My sisters and my mom’s birthday is coming up. I already bought my sister an Anchor Hocking Green Relish Tray circa 1960(?) at an auction so I need to pick her up a little nothing. Then I bought my mom some perfume off Ebay, Estee Lauder Beautiful because she’s desired that for ages. Birthdays are easy to shop for, Christmas is a different story.

Well, I’m down another 3 pounds. I’m 179.25, can you believe this? I haven’t been this weight since 1995 so I was amazed when I broke the 170s. Funny thing is that when I look in the mirror, I don’t see too much progress but when I look at the pictures, I am amazed by the transformation. Psychologically, I’ve been working on myself too, especially this week because it’s been rough. I felt like I had that need to over eat this week but I had to tell myself “No, you are not hungry! You’re just eating to eat!” and since I am a stress eater I had to constantly monitor myself. I haven’t slipped up but I’ve identified my triggers so that I could better understand where these cravings are coming from. The strange thing is that I want to eat stuff like chocolate and candy, something I regularly don’t eat. Humm, maybe this is also due to TOM being around the corner.

The folks are driving up tomorrow so please wish Ken and Betty a safe trip from Kentucky. According to the weather reports it’s supposed to snow up here so I hope they have a safe trip. We have some snow on the ground where I live but at work, which is north of here, there is nothing. I’m not too keen on winter…I’m more of a summer/spring person. My folks are going to be up here until new years so I can’t wait to spend some time with them. On Sunday, I’m going to head up to the cabin to spend the night with them. So my weekend is filled with oncall (which hopefully will not interfere with my 8:30 am ww meeting) and spending time with my folks. Well have a great weekend folks, take care-Kellie

November 15, 2002

Finally, I get to go to a weight watchers meeting. I’ve missed two meetings because of everything happening in the past few weeks. My home scale states that I am 175…so we’ll see what the scale there states. I’ve been eating well all week. Heck, it’s amazing to cook for one again because leftovers are the norm. I made a delicious white chicken chili on Monday, which lasted until last night, and then tonight I prepared the stovetop Kraft Chicken AuGratin Kit, yummy.

I ran into a former client and his mom today and they were both amazed about how much weight I have lost. It’s been about a year since I have seen the mom and a year and half since I’ve seen the kid so they got big eyes when they saw me. I was also amazed how much larger my client got. When I met him, he was really short and skinny. He grew about a foot and filled out. It’s amazing how much growth can take place in the teen years. He just got out of bootcamp so hopefully he will change himself around because deep down, he’s a good kid. I find that the bootcamp atmosphere works really well for kids. I’ve had 3 former clients on my caseload that were in bootcamp and they really turned their lives around for the better. I would put a kid in bootcamp before I would put them into juvenile detention. Detention seems to be just a mini-jail. At least with bootcamp, there are some therapeutic interventions. Work is pretty strange right now. Today the big stink is that they are moving my unit to the upstairs region of the building and moving the adult unit to the downstairs where my unit is now. I swear management wants to constantly stir up the pot. There’s something always chaotic going on. Well, what do you expect from mental health, I guess I could say. I hate the thought of moving upstairs because it’s just too chaotic up there. The offices are smaller and there’s more babysiting that goes on upstairs. Argh…management evil…

Here’s the email I got from my professor friend only to hear some not so good/good news:

Okay, so I’m kind of worried about her retiring because she was one of my biggest cheerleaders of getting me into the Ph.D. program. I feel like I am kind of stuck at this time because I really want to be accepted but the applications are due on February 1, 2003 and I have to have a personal goal plan type, a piece of professional writing, and GRE scores that would be acceptable to the their standards. I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’m caught in a situation where I’m asking myself, should I try for next year or should I wait? But I don’t want to wait. I want to live in Louisville by August of 2003. But can I pull it off??? Hopefully. Needless to say, I feel really honored that she is inviting me to her retirement party. By far, this woman is an amazing social worker and I wondered why she took me under her wing. I remember my first year, my heart was beating fast when she asked me to be her graduate assistant. Funny thing is that I initially did not want to be in her class. I had this rule, if the professor wrote the book, you shouldn’t take the class. But I was there and for some unknown reason, she was impressed with me. Though, her and Teresa are another story….they can’t stand each other. I don’t think I’m going to get into that. Anyways, she was the one who got me on this Ph.D. kick because she took me aside one day and said “Kellie, you have potential to get your doctorate here. I want to see you back here in a few years” and what did I say, of course, something demeaning to myself like “I’m not that smart”…Argh, that was so typical with me. But her suggestion stuck with me, I want that doctorate degree. My goal would be to teach at a small university in a BSW program. I don’t care where but that is my goal.

Carrie and Dennis are now coming up on Monday so I have the weekend to myself. I think I am going to work on my GRE stuff, post some stuff on ebay, and to organize my apartment. Now that sounds like a good deal. Well, take care all-Kellie

November 12, 2002

Someone please pinch me because I must be dreaming…My life is good! Folks, I’m doing a lot better than I have ever thought I would. I keep on thinking that I should be crushed but this break up is going a lot smoother than I ever thought it would. I’m going about my normal schedule and so far that lost feeling hasn’t hit me yet. I’ve got a ton of plans in the next coming weeks so I figure it should get me through that critical period and by January when everything settles down, I should be doing great. Honestly, I never thought it was going to go this smoothly. I’m going to pay off the remaining joint bills (like the power, phone bill, etc.) so I won’t have to have any contact with him. I figure that this is where couples hit a brick wall. It’s just money and it’s worth it not to have any hassles. After inspecting the house, I haven’t noticed anything major missing but a few pampered chiefs’ items and measure spoons. I have a pampered chief party at work next Monday so I figure I can pick up some utensils then. I really like their bamboo spoons and sliding measuring cups. Besides that, nothing has turned up missing. Carrie and Dennis are coming up this weekend to pick up their new used van. They have to travel to Traverse City so it looks like I will be running on a road trip maybe. They promised to come back and help me sort through the storage unit, which could be a mild disaster because I have no clue of what is in there…now that is scary. If I come across anything of Shawn’s, I’ll just mail it to his folks. I have no idea where he is residing now, nor do I want to. As for running into him, I doubt if that will happen. The only I could possibly run into him is Schuellers Book Store (a favorite of mine but he liked it). I highly doubt if he will be hitting any more Goodwill’s, so that is safe. I just don’t want to deal with an encounter, which is understandable.

As for people’s reactions, everyone is pleased for me. Thank you, my avid readers for your continued support. It’s nice to hear from all of you lurkers out there too. I’ve had a couple of people that stated that they shrieked in joy when the read the entry. My parents are really happy for me. My mom is especially ecstatic about it, dad is happy too. Carrie and Dennis are elated about it. Teresa is attempting to fix me up with a KY Boy and people at work are happy for me. So I have a lot of support out there. Thank you!

Okay, so what do I need to change right now? Well, I would like to become more organized. I need to get rid of some of my crap. Luckily, the apartment is bare right now so I have a starting point for change. I figure when I hit the storage unit this weekend, I can go through the stuff and decide what is staying and what is going. So that is a priority. I’ve rescheduled the GRE to January 17th so that will be another priority in the up coming weeks. Next, I need to branch out and meet some people so I’m contemplating taking a class at the local community college but I’m kind of confused which class I should take, a jewelry making class or a something else with a better mix of males/females. I would actually just like to expand my social circle because it’s kind of small at this time. I’ll figure something out…don’t worry about that!

Okay, I have to say this about CURVES…I absolutely love that place. It has been one of the single wisest decisions that I have made this year. I have lost a total of 26 inches since March. I lost 4.75” in my bust, 6.75” in my waist, 8” my hips, 4” in my thigh, 2.5” my arm, and body fat has gone from 40.8% to 33.9%. Now that is progress. I know I was a complete skeptic at first but it’s working form me. I’m so impressed by my results. Plus, I haven’t lost my motivation to go. There’s a couple of things that they have going for them (1) I like the all ladies atmosphere (2) the music keeps me going (3) the 30 seconds on the machine make me think I’m there for just a second (4) the results are just fabulous (5)my HIPS ARE LOSING INCHES…something my body never did before (6)Lastly, I admit to like the workers at the CURVES because I drive 10 minutes out of the way to go to the place. They are truly supportive of my efforts. I’ve heard some cons out there but honestly, I haven’t experienced any since going there since March. I do go around the circuit for 40 minutes, I really work out on the machines, and I hit my target heart rate 100% of the time. Okay, so enough of me pimping CURVES but folks, it’s the best thing since sliced bread in the exercise arena. Really, it is. Well that’s it for me tonight, take care all-Kellie

November 10, 2002

For the first time in 9 years, I’m single. After 7 years, 2 months, 29 days, Shawn is no longer a part of my life. I dumped him on Wednesday. For those of you who are long time visitors of the page, you are probably stunned. After bitching and moaning since this journal has begun, I’ve finally had enough of it. Shawn and I were fighting quite a bit lately. He would pout up to 3 days on occasion where he would ignore me and just not acknowledge my presence. We had an argument on Tuesday and it got to the point where I could not take it anymore. After screams of me being a b**** or c*nt, I prayed to God that something could be different…how my life could be different. On the way home Wednesday, I thought if Shawn doesn’t come home tonight, I’m leaving him. Shawn called the answering machine stating “This is Shawn, I’m going out to dinner and a movie tonight with Tammy (his former boss and coworker)” and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I refused to put up with this shit anymore. Life is better alone than to put up with someone you don’t love just so you don’t hurt their feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I cared about Shawn but I stopped loving him a long time ago. I enjoyed his company and mourning the loss of the relationship but reality is, that it’s been over a long time ago. So tonight after coming home after being in Detroit since Wednesday, the apartment is empty. The only presence that shows that Shawn was here is that the nail holes are visible where his pictures once hanged. Everything that he owned is gone. He left me a mail key and a note stating that if he left anything, to please email him. And I feel okay. Thursday was difficult though. I felt depressed where I was completely unable to move I had no energy. Friday was better…Saturday was much better…and today, well it’s okay. I shed a few tears but I’m doing okay. I will be okay. This is the last thing I wanted to change…really it was. So there’s a whole new world out there for me. Goodbye Shawn Freehling and his wacky assed family...Tammi Beaudry can have you because I know they have had feelings for each other. New adventures but I’m going to unpack the baggage. I’m going to give myself time so I can be Kellie again…and so that I won’t have unpacked baggage that will follow me into my next relationship. I figure a good year out would be enough healing time. So follow me into my next chapter of my life…

As for eating, I’m doing great. Despite all the crap that has gone on, I haven’t gone over points once. I’m down to 174 on my scale so that could be around 178 on the weight watchers scale but since I was in Detroit, I didn’t go to a meeting. My vice is no longer food. I’m now dealing with the feelings of life…that’s the healthy way to be. Well, that’s it for me tonight, take care all-Kellie

My Vistors Since November 10, 2002