November 17, 2004 Argh, I was supposed to go to Curves tonight but again, one of my family sessions for work went over and by the time I got home it was 7:20 pm! Then I was so stressed out after the session I stopped at the gas station for some popcorn, Wendy’s for a junior cheeseburger deluxe and a side salad. I rationale eating the burger by only eating half of the bun. Then when I got home, I was craving some major carbs so I hit the pepperidge farm crotons, pita chips and bruschetta from Trader Joe’s. So thing I noticed tonight is that when I’m stressed, I hit the carbs!

Prior to hitting the carbs, I had a great eating day tonight. Breakfast was a egg white omelet with reduced fat cheese and some fresh salsa, snack was some string cheese, lunch was some shredded pork with a salad and some asparagus but dinner...it went down hill. I know better but I was just searching for that comfort food. I think my down fall today was that I didn’t take an afternoon snack or my almonds. I’ve been trying to eat about 15 almonds a day for just a healthy snack so it tends to hold me over during my late nights at work.

So tomorrow is another day...and I’m wiser tonight than I was for dinner. So next week when I visit that family again, I’ll be prepared...No Wendys! -Take care all-Kellie

November 16, 2004

I was thinking tonight, how does one prioritize oneself again? I feel as if I have lost myself during the past year and I’m again trying to find myself. I really don’t know if it came from getting married, work being hectic and cases being more challenging than ever case wise, or this is just what simply happens when one gets older. Right now, I’m looking for myself wondering where I lost myself. I can’t really pinpoint it but some where I stopped prioritizing my needs, wants, and desires. You know, I’ve lost sight of my own personal goals. I’m not talking about relationship or work goals but I’m talking about the goals that I set for myself as a person. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful life, a loving new husband, healthy parents/sister, and I’m not complaining but where am I right now? I’m not too sure!

One problem is work. Looking over the past year, I’ve found that I am working to many late nights where 70% of the time in the past 6 months I have been working from 8:15 - 6:45 pm then you add on my commute time which puts me at home at 7:30 pm and I’m just plain old tired when I get home. I cook late and then by 8:30 I make my calls and then crash out. So I’m putting my foot down. I can no longer support this type of lifestyle because I want a life. No more late nights. No more putting myself last. I just cannot do that to myself or I’m going to burn out as a worker and a burnt out social worker is a very bad social worker. Believe me...I don’t want to end up like that so I need to change.

Another problem is home. Our tiny little apartment is cramped and we are running out of room. I just cannot keep up with the place because we are so packed in and I’m always cleaning! I actually think we need to stop and have a huge garage sale or I need some time to put stuff on ebay. The real fix is that we need some more room though. We are being patient but we both have the house crazy at this time. Fortunately, there are no suitable homes for sale in the area right now. I want to stay in the area that we are in now. We had been toying with the notion of moving out towards a more rural area by a lake. I really like the community where we are because I would miss CURVES and the shopping areas around the area. The one thing that alleviates the desire for a home is keeping the apartment clean. This is another area that needs to be addressed because many of the time, the place is not as tidy as I would like. If it was more organized, I might feel better about it so that is another area that we need to work on.

I just need to put myself first at times. I have to stop being so flexible where I’m giving into others at work, being too flexible for therapy appointments, and have Chris help me around the house. It’s just hard to get the ducks back in a row. The one good thing is at least I have not gained weight this year. I’ve been the same for the past year now but it’s a tad frustrating to be so close to goal but so far away!

Even writing this has helped me a tad because I want to get back to exercising, I want to get back to the meetings, and I want to hit goal weight. Now, it’s a ‘bout time to get those ducks in a row finally! Things are due to change! Have a great day all, Take care all-Kellie

My Vistors Since October 30, 2004