Nature Songs ~~~~
DECEMBER,1999, continued
December 17,1999 - Here, there, everywhere and yet nowhere would best describe this day. Allie has conked out from all she has had to do the past few days and I opted not to go to Q4L by myself. Of course, BingoKid was here at the time I usually go. He was dropped off by Wes so that he could spend the day with his Uncle Allan. After eleven hours of keeping up with Giggles yesterday, I am pretty well spent myself. She only slept about two hours total in all that time. Of course her brothers were here the last four or five hours to help with her, but she didn't slow down for them either. On the plus side, I was able to walk some while carrying her, but I was careful to be close to something to hold on to, just for safety's sake.
With the phone ringing off and on all day (Mother making most of the calls), folks in and out, I finally got a chance to run to Wally World to shop for a few things. When I got there, I was lucky to find a parking place fairly close to the entrance. I had left my cane at home, so I knew that I would have to push a cart out to get back down the sloped roadway just out the doorway of the store. All went well and I have mastered another step toward leaving the cane behind forever. Stopping by the drug store to pick up a box of cards for Mother to use for the staff at the nursing center, there was another challenge for me. I was tired and had to master a step up on the curb to get in. My balance wasn't the best and I had to steady myself by touching the trash container that was close by. Coming out, I held on to the handicap sign post to step down to my car. Yes, I did it! I shall learn to get around without the cane. The instructor at the Q4L says it is mostly building up the muscle strength in the back of my legs. That is where the water therapy will help me the most.
It was about 7:30 before I finally got over to visit with Mother for a short while. I stopped by Subway and picked up a sandwich for my supper on the way over. This time I took her another of her teddy bears that plays Christmas music. This one has red cheeks that blink as it plays and says, "Merry Christmas!" and Happy New Year!" with each song. She had forgotten that she had it here. I took some of her cards and put them up so that she could enjoy them more. She has received some very pretty ones and loves looking at them. We got most of the cards addressed so she could hand them out to different ones during the next few days, and I left her some to get done later as she remembered someone else. I also replenished her stash of candies and left them out on top of her nightstand so she could share them with those that come by.
Wendy had come by earlier and wrapped a few presents here that I needed for Sunday. She also brought the ones that she had bought for our family to-do here on Christmas Day and placed them around the tree. Yes, in spite of myself, Christmas is happening. I only sit back and watch as it seems to unfold.
December 18,1999 - Once again BingoKid was over early this morning so he could meet Allan and help him use the straw blower to cover the grass that they planted on a job yesterday. As I sat and talked with his Dad, I looked over in the corner of the room and began laughing. I had forgotten that bingoKid had found my angel tree on the shelf in Mother's room and wanted to put it up. I told him to put it on the little round table with the green cover on it in the corner of the room. I thought later that I had not noticed the lights, and then promptly forgot about it. There it was on the table just as he was directed - still covered by the black plastic bag that it had been stored in! I was surprised that he had not wanted to see it with the lights on, since he enjoys them so much. After I uncovered and straightened it up some, it looks quite nice there in the corner and the lights are reflected off the new shiney oak floor. I will enjoy it this next week or so.
I sent an e-mail to the Spa place in California for information about replacing the broken ring on my filtering system. They e-mailed back that I needed to call them. I called them only to be put on hold and finally having to leave my number for a return call. The next day, the return call only informed me that I would have to get in touch with a service center in this area. The closest ones are in Charlotte and Winston Salem. They suggested I have a representative to come to the house to check out the unit. (I don't think so... seventy to a hundred miles maybe? One way no less...) Wes calls Winston only to be put on hold and then later told that the salesperson in charge of the Spas is busy and he will return our call as soon as he is finished with a customer. Wes waits about an hour and the call is not returned. Hours have passed and still no call. It would make one wonder??? We may end up having to look up the address and going to one of the stores in this area. Or, more than likely they will inform us that the part we need will have to come from the factory which puts us right back in California and the process will have come full circle.
December 19,1999 - Christmas grows closer; I grow sadder. Strange how a time that should be full of happiness and glittering with hope for a better life, can bring on such a sense of depression among the vast array of those looking on instead of being included in what is happening. As I meet my aunt for our Sunday breakfast she is full of the sadness of being alone and not knowing what to give as gifts to some that always expect them of her. I invite her up to be with us for Christmas morning since Mother will be here. Once we arrive at church, we are each given a white Christmas ornament with the church name and Merry Christmas written in red on it. During the sermon mention is made about loneliness and Christmas Day being the one day of the year that has the highest suicide rate. This day that should be full of the glorious birth of an Infant; this day that should be full of happiness and sharing, turns sour to many because the emphasis has changed from the occasion of giving to an occasion of taking and expecting more and more worldly splendors to be bestowed on individuals.
Sunday School class was much on the same theme of things. It was not my imagination. It was just the tone of the day. How do you feel when someone does something that hurts you? How do you respond? Do you talk about it, or just try to smooth things over? I could only look out the window and think back to many times I have been faced by such situations; situations much too painful to talk about. Out of many of them, I emerged a stronger more independent person. But this was not something I could do alone. I learned to rely on my faith to help me through those times. Many of them I still can not share, even with myself.
I got home just in time to pack up the car with packages that Wendy has shopped for and wrapped to give as presents to the family this afternoon, ice some cookies I bought to take and cover the pineapple upside-down cake I baked last evening before resting all of 10 minutes. Mother called to see where I was. She has been ready for over an hour and waiting, and it is just now time for me to leave to pick her up. As it turns out, I arrive at the center before Wes drives up. He helps get her in the car for our trip down to the lake and the family dinner at BJ's. Here we spend about four hours of eating, opening presents, and watching all the little ones as they dart from place to place. BingoKid, NascarKid and DynoKid spend most of their time at the pool table and the pinball machine with their cousins. BusyKid kept trying to get out to run down to the lake side to see the water. Buddy Boy was a little shy at first, but then started warming up to the other children and playing some. Giggles was not a happy camper and was much too fussy all dressed up in her black velvet and golden plaid taffeta Christmas dress. She was all Momma's girl today.
Just as Allan and his cohort drove into the driveway with the ambulance, they got a call and had to leave only to return nearly two hours later for their lunch. That was the only call they had to run since coming on duty early this morning, but that is all part of the job description; a job he has had now for almost twenty years. It just happened that he was stationed close enough to take part in our family affair. If he had been in Lenoir he would not have been able to come and spend time with us. We had all the family but Cotton and her hubby and MusicMan and his wife who live out of state.
There was an air of sadness even here during the afternoon. My nieces were not feeling well. One has had pneumonia but has kept working, the other has worked hard during this Christmas season along with her Mother and Dad at the Jewelry Store, plus holding down another job and caring for her family. It appeared to me that the two of them had been crying perhaps? Maybe it was just that they were feeling the sadness of the season as well. The children were all happy and held the attention of Mother. Before we left all her great-grandchildren were gathered around her chair for a group picture. Strangely, when we left, none of them bothered to tell Mother bye or come out to the car to see her off or even offer to help with her and her presents and chair. Wes was there to help. When we got her back to the center she didn't want me to leave her there alone, but I had no choice.
Once home, the tiredness hit me! I was so exhausted. BingoKid and BusyBoy had their Christmas pageant at Church in less than an hour, but I was too tired to go. There is a lot of walking from the parking area to the sanctuary. There are steps to be conquered. I begged off for the evening. This is an occasion I like to take part in, but tonight is just not the night. I would really rather cry, but there are no tears; just that detached, "twilight zone", it's all a dream sort of evening.
Strangely, when bringing up to date two days of my journal yesterday, it occurs to me that I have not been updating my calendar for over a week. Where have I been? This must be a season of La-La-Land for me.
I was pleasantly surprised last evening. I took BingoKid home and stopped off at the grocery store close to his home to get the things I needed for today's dinner. Who should walk through the employee's door, but a big tall high school football player that I have known all his life. I taught his mother in third grade many years ago and she is a friend of Tbird. He came over and gave me a great big hug - right there in the middle of the aisle. I needed that. We talked for a very short time since he was working there (he only began Wednesday) and I left with a warm glow for having met him.
December 20,1999 - Surprise of surprises! I called yesterday at 5 p.m. and Q4L informed me that they needed at least three more days to work on the chemicals of the pool. This morning Allie gets a call bright and early informing her that the pool is opened today! She tells me to grab my bag - she is on her way to pick me up. We got to work out in the water today! It was wonderful to be able to don our funny bat gloves which would help us get more oomph with the arm movements as we worked and stepped down into the 86 degree water along with seven others to officially begin our class.
We spent an hour moving back and forth and up and down; around and around at times; getting the workout we had been looking forward to. Sure we may have over done it a little, but we will get into the swing of things and get ourselves into better shape. I found that I cannot take a backward step sideways. My legs will not go in that direction, whether it be the new working knees, or the back, I do not know, but it is something to be worked on. Of course, there are other things to be improved upon. I am about as slow in the water as I am out of the water. Speed is certainly not the name of my game at this time. Jogging in place for me is more like a snail taking off from the starting line of a race. I'm not going any place quickly - at least not for now.
From the water class we headed for the new sauna to warm up before changing to leave for the day. We got to try out the new little gadget on the wall for the first time. You put your swimsuit in and it spins out the excess water in just a few seconds. I wonder if it will do the shoes I use in the pool, too? It's great that the whirlpool, sauna and steam rooms are all part of the ladies' locker room area. Most other places in this area have coed whirlpool, etc. Our instructor wears a regular pair of walking shoes and also has added biker's pants under her suit for jumping back and forth from the water to demonstrate different steps for us to use.
I spent part of the afternoon with Mother. I took time to go through her closet area to fold and put up some of her clothes that she doesn't need now. I ask her to not bother them as they were things that she didn't really need now and pointed out some of the seasonal tops and sweater to wear this week. I wonder? How long will it last? I make no promises that any of what I did will remain that way for very long. I left there to get back home in time to cook some supper for Allan and Buddy Boy. While they were eating with me, Lady showed up to do her thing with making my house more livable for the coming week. I even remembered to have her Christmas present ready for her today. This has been a very busy day.
December 21,1999 - Seasons come and go. Feelings often are related to the seasons and whatever past experiences come to mind. Partly, I feel some of the regrets of not being able to hold on to the happy exploits of youth. There are the years of being a part of the joy of the children and their exuberance of Christmas morn. Now it all has a different tone; a different feel. The lights of Christmas take on a different hue. The magic seems to have ebbed away taking with it the halo of joyous togetherness. Now there are more memories of what used to be; the way others were back then; not now. Now seems bleak. The feeling of the season is not the same. Folks in general do not expect the same things from life.
There are other things that help to tint my outlook on things today. Through the years I have dealt with situations that were thrust out along the way. I have spent a lot of my time being along. Stepping out for friendship was painful at times. I learned to always leave myself an out just in case something was not quite right with the relationship. Friends could be cruel at times. Having a speech problem made me susceptible to the remarks and deeds of many people. Some of them were intentional and some were not. The affect on me was always one of being hurt, even though I would never allow them to know how deeply I may have been hurt by the comment or deed. Back then, to be different meant open season on teasing and pranks.
Today, I still carry the scars. I know they are there. No matter how much I may accept them and acknowledge that things are no longer the same today, at times the scars pop into view. Others would not understand why I would react to things as I do. They most likely do not even know that I have an adverse reaction. I retreat into my cocoon to give time for the scars to heal over yet another time. I emerge with a different path; one that avoids that particular problem; hopefully for good.
Now I have to make a decision. I thought that I was being accepted into a group that would share a love of writing together. I accepted the offer perhaps a little too quickly. It was so great to be accepted for something. I felt that I perchance had an ability of expressing myself and that others saw the worth and were willing to work with me. I was willing to work with them. I don't know what happened. I must have done something wrong or out of step with the others. I can't be sure, because I have not received anything that would give me a clue except for complete silence. The silence is a sure sign of something. That something by the process of elimination has to be ME! No e-mails. No weekly news. No replies. It has all vanished into thin air as if it never was. I am not a part of anything. I am hesitant about trying anything new. I left myself open; completely open and did not expect to have to retreat to heal yet another new scar. So-be-it!
December 22,1999 - A swimming we shall go, Ho! Ho! Ho! NO? No! Allie has to go without me. My little Giggles is sick and cannot go to daycare. Dad has a special appointment and Mom has a workday she needs to take. The boys were to be with me anyway, but I could manage with them. Giggles though,has to be cared for a little more carefully. Hopefully, it is not anything too serious, here with Christmas so close. Our plans are already made for meeting together here on Christmas Morning for our family tradition of opening presents and have breakfast together. Allan has been able to get off for a few hours from work to spend with us. Yes,this is his year to work on Thanksgiving AND Christmas.
Christmas Eve I am to spend at Tbird's again for their annual get together with family and neighbors. Sometime during that time we are planning to go to Tanglewood to see the decorations again. I haven't even been over to Oakmont to see all the development there and it is just down the road from the nursing center. It would be more enjoyable to share it with someone. I don't care to drive through by myself. Of course, now, what we do over the next few days will depend a lot on how Giggles is doing and just exactly what is bothering her.
Plans are always changing for me. I shall have to wait and see what develops. Cotton has sent her present here for me to wrap and give out. They have been shipped, but I have not received any of them yet. I hope that they get here in time. Allan has his fingers crossed that a present he ordered will be here. The company promised to ship it on the 13th of Dec. He called to find out that it was not shipped yet. He was promised it would arrive Monday or Tuesday this week. He spent an hour on the phone this morning. It is not ready yet and after going through two departments, a supervisor, and public relations it may be here for Christmas and then again, it may not. He is not happy at all about things. Not the fact that it is not ready, but that the people he spoke with earlier had not been up front with him and promised what they could not deliver.
Apparently, someone somewhere made a promise that was not supposed to be made. . . here I go again...
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© 1999 by Stormy Jeanne
