I am a graduate student. I hold a full-time job. I am a believing Christian.
I am also a pedophile.
No, I have not molested any children, for which I thank the Lord. Pedophilia is sexual attraction to children, while child molestation is an action--sexually acting out with children. I have not done anything to harm a child, but am sexually attracted to little girls.
When I was a boy, I witnessed my father sexually molesting my sister. I accidentally walked in on them. I was too young to understand what was going on, but my sister later explained that what he had done was sexual abuse, and that it has severely affected her.
Sexual boundaries were distorted in other ways in my family. I remember my mother lying next to me on the bed--nude. I don't remember her touching me, but it was still uncomfortable. I also remember her inappropriately talking about sex, and embarassing me about my body, after I hit puberty.
I was not directly sexually abused, but the distorted boundaries sexual boundaries in my family and witnessing my sister's abuse have had a negative impact upon me. They helped contribute to my sexual attraction to children.
I have been sexually attracted to young girls (pre-pubescent, and early teen) as long as I can remember having sexual feelings. Choices I have made as I got older have reinforced and exacerbated my attraction to children.
As a teenager, I looked at pictures of young girls in swimsuits, gymnastics clothing, and leotards, and masturbated to them. This has continued into my adulthood, and as the years have passed, my attraction to children has increased.
During my undergraduate years, I started learning about feminism, and made a lot of very good feminist friends. I hooked up with them partly in an attempt to curb my sexual fantasies and masturbation by learning not to objectify women (or girls), without revealing my own struggles. The people I met were so real and accepting that feminism has become a permanent part of my life.
Unfortunately, I didn't learn well enough from them, and my secret sexual problems continued.
I have sought help from other sources, as well. I'd known for years that I had a problem, and wanted help, but had been afraid to ask for help lest people assume I had actually committed a crime. Finally, about a year ago, I just couldn't stand it any longer, and told my therapist about it. Happily, she understood that I haven't offended against any children, and was willing to do what she could to help. Since working with sexual paraphilias is not her specialty, my therapist referred me to another one, who I'm now visiting regularly.
A couple of years ago or so, I discovered a wonderful web site called AREASON. Though I didn't participate much at the time, I sometimes read what people said in the forums. I was probably in denial at the time, and not yet ready to start my recovery. Suddenly, the site was closed, and I was left alone. Thanks to the dedication of some wonderful people, a similar new web site, Healing Together, was opened, with many of the same participants. The people at Healing Together are comprised of both survivors of child sexual abuse, and recovering offenders. They have separate areas for survivors and recovering offenders to communicate with each other, and and area where everybody can come. This site has been of tremendous help to me because the people there really understand what I'm going through, and are willing to accept and help me. Some months ago, my best friend and I became romantically interested in each other. I told her about my sexual attraction to children, and much to my surprise she still accepts me as a person, and wants to marry me despite my issue. She is such a tremendous emotional support to me, and is helping more than she knows to deal with my attraction to children.
So here I am, working on recovery. It's not easy (understatement of the decade). Since I've started talking about these issues, and not using masturbation and fantasy about little girls as much as I used to in order to escape from my feelings, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I get deeply depressed, and I still slip up sometimes.
But you know something? I'm making progress, and starting to take responsibility for myself. I don't use pictures or fantasies of girls to masturbate nearly as often as I used to, and don't get depressed so often, either. What others did affected me, but now it's up to me to do the right thing. I am accepting Jesus Christ as a more important part of my life, and learning how much God loves me, as well as all His children. I'm trying to obey God's commandments and thus become a better and happier person. By talking to my therapist, survivors of abuse, recovering offenders, and by accepting God's love, I hope to ensure that I'll find peace for myself, learn to deal with my inappropriate sexual feelings, and never, ever harm a child.
Email: DaveT678@yahoo.com