SEPTEMBER 2000
August 6, 2000
I'm so not into fancy this month. I'm coming down from my wonderful trip to Seattle. I had the best time with my Family out west. I just love the views and weather. I don't mind the rain so much when I'm there. Usually I'm a couch potato when it comes to yucky wet weather.
I'm still not over my blue funk. It's been a tough month for me. I gained a ton of weight while I was there and now I'm focusing on getting it off. I've resumed my WW eating plan, right down to the bowl of Fiber One with 1/2 a Banana for breakfast. I'm suppose to go get my suger level tested this week, but I've noticed that I had waaaaay too much suger in my diet so I'm going to wait a few days to get it done. I bought a Pregnancy workout video from Ebay and did it yesterday. It's just way to easy for me to quit it and so I'm going to hit the gym today. I tried to workout last week but it was hard to get adjusted to the time change and we walked so much while I was there that I figured I was getting a decent amount of something.
Speaking of pigging out...We took a short jaunt to Canada while out west. Of course I was scouring the restaurant section of the phone book and came across a Greek and Eastern Indian restaurant. Huge feasts....all I can say is huge feasts! Our hotel room was incredible too! We were located right on the harbor of Victoria, Canada. It was just spectactular and worth every penny we spent...which I might add was more then a few rolls. Madison was a dream as usual. She cut three teeth and only had a few moments of brattiness. To be expected.
That's about it. As you can tell from my entry, I'm still out of whack. Trying to get organized has become overwhelming. Maddie is now a full fledged walker and little fingers are starting to get into everything. Tah.....oh I almost forgot...you know that one thing you always forget when on a trip...well my camara bag stocked full of film and the digital is still sitting by the front door...we did buy another smaller 35mm and I'm hoping to get the pictures developed today.
August 7, 2000
Well it looks like I've scared even my most faithful of readers off. I checked my counter this evening and I've been the only person to hit my site in the last 24 hours. Kind of lonely if you think about it! I do have a lot to say tonight so let me just get to the point.
My hair has reached the shag o matic phase of pregnancy. I noticed that my car is missing two hub caps and there is a ton of grass on the front floors...don't know where it came from. I got a good workout at the gym today. I spent 20 mins on the treadmill and lifted weights for my arms. I felt good and I'm hoping to do it again. I also jumped on the scale today and I've lost 6.5 lbs since I came home. Don't get alarmed...I just stopped eating a ton of suger and junk food and I've been drinking lots of water. I did hit the New McDonald's today as a treat for being good. It wasn't as good as I thought it would be and that's a sign I'm getting back on the right track. I'm getting my blood tested for gestational diabeties on Saturday. I'm a bit worried, but have delt with it before and know what I need to do to correct the problem is the result is high. I know I've mentioned it before, but I'm really really really getting excited about going back to school next summer. I've talked to a few relatives about the Nursing field and it really seems like it's right up my alley. I'm still leaning towards Labor and Delivery Nurse, but emergency or pedeatrics also excite me. I will be honest about one thing. My career must have a big $ next to it. It might be terrible to think/say or expect, but I want to be compensated accordingly for my time. No $10/hr. job is exciting me enough to leave my children/home. What else. Oh Kevin started class tonight and that's why I'm sitting in front of the computer. Tiiiiiime is on my side....yes it is! I picked up the pictures from vacation and they turned out okay. My camara takes better pictures, but Kevin really wanted to keep it so now he has one of his own. I'm going to try and get to my parents house tomorrow and scan a few of them to add to the site. Tah~
September 9, 2000
Okay so I've been a slacker these last few days. I just have not been motivated to get my butt to the gym. Then I realized I've been forgetting to take my prenatal vitamins. Baaaaad girl! I'm hoping for a better week attitude wise. On a lighter note we are going to get our family picture re-taken tomorrow. Sears did such a crappy job last time that I complained (go figure that!) and they are reshooting for free. My hair looks better, but I've now got the noticable double chin. Yuck yuck yuck.
Diet wise, I'm still starting off the day right with a bowl of Fiber One and 1/2 a banana. Lunch has been my down fall. I hit three different fast food joints this week and we ordered out twice for dinner. Talk about lazy ass house wife! Like I said I'm hoping for a better week attitude wise.
My father was diagnosted with Level II diabetes a month ago. He went to a diatician and was schooled on the proper way to eat. Since that time, he's lost 20 lbs. and looks 20 years younger. I haven't seen him looking this good in years. He's been able to control his blood suger level which he tests 4 times a day and there's a spring in his step like I haven't seen. He also has gout, but no sign of it now. I hope he keeps this up.
Kevin bought a satalite dish because he was so pissed that the cable company raised it's rates yet again. We've seen an increase every month for the last 6 months and he just got so fed up with it. Of course I wanted him to take it back because ultimately the initial lay out for the stuff is way more expensive then cable, but who am I to begrudge him a toy when he works so hard! I did tell him that the only way I would let him keep it is if I had my own box in the bedroom for that TV. Mean mean mean wifey I'm turning out to be.
I'm still trying to focus on the here and now, but I'll tell you adjusting from this trip has really taken it's toll. I've called, email or been called by my aunt (who we stayed with in Seattle) at least everyday this week. Of course that doesn't help, but it made me happy. Hope everyone's weekend is going smoothly. Tah~
Sept 14, 2000
I don't know how else to say what I'm about to say other then to just come out and say it. I'm stopping my journal. There is just too much going on in my life for me to keep it up. I'm exhausted Menally and physically and I no longer see my journal as a helpful tool. I start to sigh everytime I think to myself that I need to update it. It may also be I just can't stand all the problems smacking me in the face everytime I read over my entries.
My husband is an Alcoholic. He is attending A.A. and I'm proud of him for that. I'm attending an Al Anon group starting on Monday. I'm full of anger and frustration and guilt and I'm trying to handle those emotions in a productive and safe way. I can only let myself get to upset because I'm afraid I'll hurt the baby. I'm angry because my husband is hurting and I can't help him. In fact I can know very little about what he does at those meetings and for the first time ever we have something between us that we can't talk about. I'm angry because he's NOT the man I married and I have to grow and adjust my life to his....again. I'm angry because there are a ton of things we were going to do and need to be done and they all have to take a back seat while we straighten out our relationship. I'm angry because my husbands a liar and right now I just don't trust anything he says. Including that he's completely stopped drinking. I'm frustrated because I want to believe him and in him. I'm frustrated because once again I have to rearrange my dreams, goals and desires to comply with my husband. I "have to" if I want to stay married. I'm frustrated because I'M suppose to be the one who is babied, caddled and fussed over during this pregnancy and I find myself walking on eggshells around him. I can't have a bad day, but he has one everyday. Mostly, I feel guilty because of all the above mentioned emotions and thoughts and my husband is going through what must be equivalant to living hell. I feel guilty because "For Better or For Worse" I"m suppose to stick by him and all I want to do right now is run as far away from this mess as possible. I can't though...I'm a bit stuck at the moment and I'm not moving as fast I as I use to.
To make matters worse, He's also been labled ADHD and they want to put him on some sort of meds. But he has to stay sober for 6 mos. before they do. Catch me on a good day and I'm all about making my husbands life easier. Catch me on a bad day I'm millimeters away from screaming at him about this or that. I'm just so tired and I want to sleep all day long. Part of that is pregnancy part of it is depression. We are going to counseling once a week and we both have our groups. So you see where I'm coming from. Focusing on health and diet has gone out the window. I've tried and tried and it;s just become one more thing I've got to regement and I don't have the stamina anymore. Thank you for all the kind words and emails. Please say a prayer for us. Beth