Generally Humorous Stuff

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this.

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
• Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

• POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN
  ......Cops have nothing to go on.
• Schizophrenia beats being alone.
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
• You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
• Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.
• A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS - but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
• Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
• HAM AND EGGS
  A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
• Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
• Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
• It's hard to make a comeback - when you haven't been anywhere.
• WELCOME TO UTAH - Set your watch back 20 years.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
• When blondes have more fun do they know it?
• Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
• We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
• Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
• Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
• Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
• If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
• You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
• The Earth Is Full - Go Home
• I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
• This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
• Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
• Illierate? Write For Help
• He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
• You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
• I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
• I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
• If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
• Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
• Boldly Going Nowhere
• Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
• Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
• Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
• How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
• Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
• What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

• Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
• Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
• Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and then leaves.
• Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
• Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
• Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
• Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
• Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
• SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
• Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
• Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
• Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
• Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
• Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
• Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
• Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
• Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
• Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
• Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
• Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
• GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
• Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
• Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
• Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
• Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
• Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

1. You know all the words to “If I Had a Million Dollars” by the Barenaked Ladies.
2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children or the elderly."
3. You feel that getting dressed up means putting on your best flannel lumberjack shirt.
4. You can't get enough of Don Cherry on Coach's Corner.
5. You think it is normal to have a grain elevator in your back yard.
6. You wonder why there isn't a $5 coin.
7. You watch MTV constantly in hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of "The Tragically Hip."
8. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me."
9. You can sing "O Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.
10. You advocate the abolition of responsible government in favor of monarchist rule.
11. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the "Hinterland Who's Who" spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
12. Your graduation formal dress/tuxedo was made of flannel.
13. Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on.
14. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing "u's" from the misspelled words like labor, honor, and color.
15. You know the French equivalents for the words "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
16. You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's “Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do.”
17. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada and make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
18. You think -10 degrees Celsius is mild weather.
19. You automatically read "Z" as "Zed" and don't care that it doesn't rhyme with "Now I know my ABC's."
20. You say, "Sorry, eh." when someone steps on your foot.
21. You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.
22. You know that the "Extra Creamy" in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner means "Add more milk".
23. You substitute beer for water when cooking.
24. You get stopped at least once a week by the Military Police to turn your headlights off when you drive through the base gate in the morning.
25. Your uniform is issued with shorts and knee socks.
26. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
27. You design Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
28. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
29. You have ten favorite recipes for moose meat.
30. You thought “Grumpy Old Men” was a documentary.
31. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
32. You’ve taken your kids out trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
33. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
34. You think everyone from the city talks with an accent.
35. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.
36. You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
37. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
38. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
39. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
40. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
41. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
42. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
43. You can play road hockey on skates.
44. You know the four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. Your door has more than three locks.
7. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
8. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
9. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
10. You think Central Park is "nature."
11. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
12. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
13. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
14. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky.
15. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
16. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
17. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
18. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
19. You take fashion seriously.
20. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
21. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
22. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
23. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
24. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
25. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
26. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
27. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
28. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
29. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
30. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.