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Christmas Humor
Items on this page:
Guess the Canticles of Christmas
Psychiatric Christmas Tunes
The 12 Days of (East Texas) Christmas
A Cajon Chrisma' A
Southern Christmas
Visit of Lieutenant General Claus
Money
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Guess the Canticles of Christmas
Each of the phrases below can be interpreted as the title
of a Christmas song. To see the answer to one song at a time, hold your
cursor over the big A at the beginning of the line
- the answer will appear at the bottom of the screen on the status bar
(don't click the A, just hold your cursor over it).
If you would like to see all the songs & answers together in a new window,
click here.
A
Exclamation, Member of the Round Table with Missing Areas
A
Boulder of the Tinkling Metal Spheres
A
Vehicular Homicide was Committed on Dad’s Mom by a Precipitous Darling
A
Wanted in December: Top Forward Incisors
A
The Apartment of Two Psychiatrists
A
The Lad is a Diminutive Percussionist
A
Sir Lancelot with Laryngitis
A
Punch Out the Passages
A
Cup-Shaped Instruments Fashioned of a Whitish Metallic Element
A
Exclamation, Small Israeli Urban Center
A
Far Off in a Haybin
A
Kong, Lear and Cole – That’s Us
A
Duodecimal Enumeration of the Passage of the Yuletide Season
A
Leave the Broadcast from an Elevation
A
Our Fervent Hope is that You Thoroughly Enjoy Your Yuletide Season
A
Listen, the Winged Heavenly Messengers are Proclaiming Tunefully
A
As the Guardians of the Woolly Animals Protected Their Charges in the
Dark
A
I Beheld a Trio of Nautical Vessels Moving in this Direction
Jubilation to the Entire Terrestrial Globe
A
Do You Perceive the Same Vibrations that Stimulate My Auditory Sense Organs?
A
Small, Wingless, Bloodsucking Insect that has a Pater in the Armada
A
Parent was Observed Osculating a Red-Coated Unshaven Teamster
A
May the Deity Bestow an Absence of Fatigue to Mild Male Humans
A
An Event that Arrived on a Cloudless Witching Hour
A
Jubilation to the Entire Terrestrial Globe
(TOP)
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Psychiatric Christmas Tunes:
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC - Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and Office and Town . . .
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna
Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open
Fire
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My
True Love Gave to Me, and then took it all away
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell . .
.
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The 12 Days of (East Texas) Chrismas
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three chicken-friedsteaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four six-packs
of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, six more fireant
hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight weeks of
high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, nine frito pies,
Eight weeks of high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, ten honky-tonks,
Nine frito pies,
Eight weeks of high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven months
of summer,
Ten honky-tonks,
Nine frito pies,
Eight weeks of high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, twelve pickup
trucks,
Eleven months of summer,
Ten honky-tonks,
Nine frito pies,
Eight weeks of high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.
(TOP)
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A Cajon Chrisma’
Wuz de night befo’ Chrisma', wit de moon big lak jumbo
Us Cajun wuz stirrin’ a big pot o’ gumbo.
De chillern all cover god down on the flo’
Wid moss onderneat, so dey don’ get no soe.
Mama at de chimney is roastin’ de ham
An boilin’ de couboullion, and bakin’ de yam.
Wen out on de bayou, dey go such a clatta
Man it soun’ lak Gros Boudreaux dun fall off a ladda!
Ah run lak a rabbit to get to de do’
Trip on de dog, an’ fall on de flo’.
As ah look out de do’, in de light o de moon
Ah tink, Man, you crazy or you goin’ be soon!
Cuz dere on de bayou wen ah stretch mah neck stiff
Ah see eight alligator and dey pullin’ a skiff!
Dem gator wuz swiff, down de bayou dey came
And de deiver, he holla and call them by name;
“Haw, Comeaux!, Haw, Boudreaux!, Fontenot and Alcide!
Gee, Phydeaux!, Gee Thibodeaux!, Alphonse and Pladide!
To de top o de po’ch, to de top o de wall,
Crawl up dere alligator, an’ be so you don’ fall!”
Lak dat up de po’ch de alligator dey climb
Wit a skiff full of playting and Sain’Nicklas behin’.
Den on top o de po’ch it soun’ lak de hail,
Wen all dem big alligator dey set down dey tail.
An den from de chimney ah hear a big “BAM!”
Wen Sain’ Nicklas he fall “sit – first” on de yam.
“Sacre Bleu,” he say, “Ah bet my pants got a hole
Where I set dem down on dem big red hot coal!”
He wuz dress all in muskrat, from him head to him foot
An’ his clos’ is all cover wit ashes an’ soot.
A sack full of playting he trow on his back,
He look lak a criminal, an’ dat’s fo’ a fack!
His eye, how dey shine, his dimple how merry!
His cheek lak red roses, his nose lak a cherry.
He have white hair on his chin, and a big fat belly
Dat shake wen he laff, lak de strawberry jelly.
A wink of his eye an’ a shak ob his han’
Ah gay-ron-tee, ah lak dis fat man.
He don’ do no talkin’, an got rat to work,
Put playting in socks an’ den turn wit a jerk.
He put bot’ his han’ on top of his head,
He look at the de chimney an’ den he done said:
“Wif all dat der fire, an’ dem red-hot yam,
Ah don’ go back up dat way again!”
o he run out de do’ an’ cime on de roof,
He jump in his skiff, an’ he crack his big whip.
Man, dem alligator day MOVE an’ dey do not slip!
An’ ah hear him holla as down de bayou he go,
“Merry Chrisma’, Merry Chrisma’!” ‘til I see him no mo’.
(TOP)
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A Southern Christmas
Due to union rules Santa will no longer be able to serve
Southern United States on Christmas Eve. The local replacement happens
to be Santa's third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from
the South Pole. He shares His goal of delivering toys to all the good
boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between the two.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit cup handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
Like a Ford Logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph
The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations
in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus shot
the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
(TOP)
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Operation Order 12-98 For: Official Visit of Lieutenant General Claus
1. An official staff visit by LtGen Claus is expected at this base on
25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all personnel during
the visit:
a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes Officers,
Warrant Officers, Staff Non-commissioned Officers, Noncommissioned Officers,
and mice. Marines may obtain special stirring permits for necessary tasks
through the Battalion S-1 Office (See Company Office for PAR).
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap no later
than 2200 hours, 24 Dec. Uniform for the nap will be: pajamas -- cotton,
light-weight, general purpose, olive-green; and cap -- battle-dress, utilities,
Woodland pattern. Equipment will be drawn from supply prior to 1900 hours.
While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts
and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items.
Remember that this is the "season of giving."
c. Personnel will utilize standard "T'-ration sugarplums for visions to
dance in their heads. Sugarplums are available in "T'-ration sundry packs
and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure
maximum visions are experienced. "T'-ration sundry packs can be picked
up at the Medina Dining Facility (MDFAC) from 0800-1800 24 Dec 98. The
S-4 will coordinate the acquisition and distribution of the "T'-ration
sugarplums and accompanying items.
d. Stockings -- wool, cushion sole, olive-green -- will be hung by the
chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid
fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. Platoon commanders will submit
stocking handling plans to the S-3T, Training Chief, prior to 0800 hours,
24 Dec. All Platoon commanders will ensure their subordinate personnel
attend mandatory stocking-hanging safety classes and are briefed on the
safety aspects of stocking hanging by the Safety Officer. Stocking Safety
will be taught 18 Dec 98 at 1900 in the conference room of Bldg 321. Stocking
Licenses will be issued at that time. Stockings will be issued out of
the pebble shack on a first come first serve basis from 1400 - 1600 on
19 December.
e. At first sound of clatter, all personnel will spring from their racks
to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken
to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order, Operations
Plan (OPLAN) 7-98 (North Pole Contingency), para 6-8-A9(3), dated 4 Mar,
this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter-tearing and sash-throwing.
Platoon Commanders, Platoon Sergeants, and all Marines of the Guard will
be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters
are torn or sashes thrown in the barracks prior to the start of official
clatter.
f. Prior to 0001 hours, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard
Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned
"wondering eyeball" stations. The Sergeant of the Guard will ensure that
these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and
sashes are thrown.
g. The Company Training Chief, in coordination with the U.S. Transportation
Command (CinC-Trans) and Motor T, will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature,
M-24A3 and eight (8) reindeer, tiny, for use by LtGen Claus. The assigned
driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with rooftop permit
and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his
Department of Navy Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout
"On, Dancer! On, Prancer!" etc.
2. LtGen Claus will initially enter Bldg 302 through the front entryway.
All buildings without chimneys will requisition Chimney Simulator, M6A1,
for use during the visit. Request chimney simulator on Department of Navy
Form 2765-1, which will be submitted in four copies to the Company Gunnery
Sergeant prior to 20 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly
cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.
3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and
Happy New Year!" or "Merry Christmas To All, and To All a Good Night!"
This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of
shouting is the responsibility of the Senior Enlisted Marine.
FOR THE COMMANDER (Signed)
(TOP)
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Money
- Money can buy a house, but not a home.
- Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
- Money can buy a clock, but not time.
- Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
- Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
- Money can buy position, but not respect.
- Money can buy blood, but not life.
- Money can buy medicine, but not health.
- Money can buy sex, but not love.
- Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
- You see, money is not everything.
Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me immediately.
I need it for Christmas.
(TOP)
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