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V is for (very) volatile. (overcoming volatile personality) Charlotte Latvala.

Abstract: Women who get angry easily often regret their outbursts later, as anger in women is not viewed on the same par as anger in men. Tips on directing emotional intensity in a positive way are given, along with tips on dissipating anger.

Full Text: COPYRIGHT 1996 Hearst Corporation Sarah(*) stepped into a steaming shower the other evening, luxuriating in the scent of papaya body wash and anticipating a relaxing night. She and her husband, Jim, both Ph.D. candidates in English literature, had planned a dinner at their favorite Italian restaurant, followed by a late movie. Sarah had spent the entire week plowing through a stack of Freshman Composition papers and was now longing for a pleasant break.

But when she squeezed the shampoo bottle and only a bubble of air came out, her throat tightened in irritation.

As usual, Jim hadn't replaced the bottle after his shower. Her mind was quickly flooded with other images - the empty gas tank last week, the dirty dishes on the counter yesterday, the month-old yogurt container she'd just found festering under the sofa.

"I flung open the shower door and stalked into the bedroom, where Jim was getting dressed. There I was, dripping all over the Oriental rug, screaming at my husband for committing the crime of leaving me with no shampoo," Sarah says, shaking her head. "It sounds childish now, but at the time I was so furious, I wanted to strangle him."

It wasn't the first time in their three-year marriage - or even that week - that she'd lost control for no good reason, admits Sarah. "I frequently blow up at Jim for things that seem minor in retrospect. It's a real pattern with me. I'm afraid he's losing his patience." In fact, Jim recently told Sarah that he wants them to see a marriage counselor because her tantrums are becoming unbearable. "He says it's too hard to live this way," Sarah says in a defeated tone. "He's tired of being subjected to what he calls my demeaning behavior."

THE HIGH PRICE OF VOLATILITY

Sarah doesn't suffer from manic depression, severe PMS, or any other mood disorder. But like other volatile women who explode at the slightest provocation, she is threatening her marriage, friendships, and career with her impulsive outbursts. "Volatility is a luxury you can't afford," says Ellen McGrath, a New York City psychologist and author of When Feeling Bad Is Good. "In our culture, people simply do not tolerate unrestrained anger and aggression in a woman. Women who behave this way will be abandoned, hurt, rejected, or demoted."

Laura, a newspaper editor in Florida, recalls a temperamental young woman who worked for her last year. "Kelly had all the makings of a good reporter - she was bright and aggressive with great reporting and writing skills." Her problem? "She couldn't accept criticism without spouting off. I sat down with her once to edit a feature she had written about a homeless woman, and I suggested reworking the lead to include a description of the woman's cardboard sleeping area. She just snapped. She hissed that the story was perfectly fine and stomped out of the newsroom."

Such antics didn't endear Kelly to her superiors, and she was fired shortly after her run-in with Laura. "I've heard that she's worked for at least two other papers since, with similar results," says the editor. "She's a clever young woman with a promising career who in all likelihood is going to blow it because she can't control her temper."

Fair or not, women must be particularly cautious about volatile behavior in the workplace - even if they have valid reasons for their anger. The common perception that women are more temperamental than men often leads coworkers and bosses to make more of a woman's tantrum than they would of a man's. Says McGrath, "You may be right to lay into a boss or coworker, but such behavior isn't practical, because it doesn't get you what you want. Men can do it, and they're considered strong and powerful. When women do it, they're bitches."

BORN TO BE VOLATILE?

Why are some women so tempestuous? Biology plays a role, says McGrath. Women like Kelly may be wired differently from birth, and they release an overabundance of "fight or flight" chemicals adrenaline is one when they feel threatened. "They're often more sensitive than others to their environments, more likely to feel excessive tension and react quickly without thinking," McGrath says.

People with hair-trigger tempers could benefit from a few moments of self-reflection when they get upset, advises Penelope Russianoff, a New York City psychologist and author of Wizen Am I Going to Be Happy? How to Break the Emotional Bad Habits That Make You Miserable. Physiologically, external messages reach the thalamus - the "feeling" part of the brain - first. "If we act on anger at that instant, our response will be emotional, even violent," says Russianoff. "However, if we delay for just a few seconds, the thalamus can relay the message up to the cerebrum, the seat of logic and reason."

Liz, a caterer in San Diego, explains her impulsiveness this way: "My brain just shuts down, and my instincts take over. I know exactly what people mean when they say they see red." Recently, she came home exhausted from a late-night job just in time to hear her mother-in-law leaving a message on the answering machine: She wanted her son to come over right away and, free a bird that was trapped in her basement. "Instead of taking a minute to let her finish her message, I grabbed the phone and cut her off, went into a tirade about how she's always expecting Ken to be at her beck and call. In retrospect, I realize she's lonely and sad, but at the time, it seemed like she was trying to take my husband away from me."

Our upbringing also plays a role in how reactive we are as adults, says Lisa Stromeier, a family therapist in Columbus, Ohio. "Children mimic the behavior of those around them. If you grew up in a household where Dad came home late and Mom threw a tantrum, you picked up on that very quickly." Such people are oblivious to how they're perceived by others. "I know a lot of my friends think I fly off the handle at a moment's notice," says Karen, a television producer in Detroit who doesn't consider her roller-coaster personality a problem. "But they don't know my family. We may be screaming at one another one minute, hugging and making up the next. It doesn't mean anything; we're just emotional."

But try explaining that to Karen's roommate, Maggie, who was the recipient of one of her friend's tirades a few months ago. "I thought I was doing her a favor," says Maggie. "It was my turn to clean our town house, a great old place with a huge wooden staircase and oak floors. I was wiping off the banister when Karen came home from work, and immediately, she noticed a few drops of water on the polished floor beneath. She just started tearing me to shreds, calling me inconsiderate, sloppy, and a terrible roommate."

Half an hour later, Karen had forgotten the whole incident and was happily whipping up a chicken salad in the kitchen, while Maggie felt like "someone had cut out my heart with a hot knife. I was so upset, I couldn't even took at her. And here she was, asking me if I wanted to go to the movies later that night."

THE MORNING AFTER

Volatile women experience a variety of posttantrum reactions. Some, like Karen, recover quickly and move on, leaving a trail of trampled feelings. Many suffer genuine guilt and shame. Still others are like Virginia, a twenty-seven-year-old lab technician from North Carolina whose explosions are followed by long, drawn-out apologies. "I've always felt that it was okay to lose it every now and then as long as I made up for it later," she admits.

Recently, for instance, she and her boyfriend vacationed in the Bahamas. "I was annoyed at him for spending so much time in the casino when I wanted to be on the beach or having romantic cocktails in the bar. So one night, I went back to our room early and left him at the slot machines by himself." Steve returned to the room at midnight, bubbling with excitement - he had won fifty dollars at blackjack. "I flipped out," says Virginia. "He had probably blown five hundred dollars before he won anything, and here he was delirious over one small bit of luck." After her screaming subsided, Virginia sobbed herself to sleep, and Steve wrapped himself in a blanket on the couch. The next day, Virginia awakened her boyfriend to offer a lengthy apology. "I cried some more, said I was sorry a thousand times, really beat myself up. I wouldn't go to breakfast until he said he had forgiven me. He ended up feeling bad for me, and the reason for the fight got buried."

Being overly apologetic may become a too-easy way to absolve yourself of guilt for your tantrums. "It's a defense that a woman learns as a kid," says McGrath, and it prevents the aggrieved party from retaliating. It elicits a sympathetic response: `That's okay, you poor dear, I understand. Don't be so hard on yourself.' So she doesn't have to feel responsible for what happened or figure out why it happened or what she call do better next time."

Virginia's outburst is also typical of women who lack good communication skills, says therapist Lisa Stromeier. Unable to express her disappointment with Steve's behavior, Virginia blew Lip instead. "If you don't know how to deal with confrontation, you keep everything in," says Stromeier. "At some point, you explode, and all that pent-up anger and hurt leave people reeling."

THE ILLUSION OF STRENGTH

Some women mistake volatility for assertiveness. Frannie twenty-six, a marketer at a Chicago radio station, has always been proud of her reputation for toughness. "Nobody pushes me around," she likes to say. "They don't know who they're messing with."

The result? Frannie tends to alienate colleagues and boyfriends quickly because they're turned off by her outbursts. "Once, we were waiting for a tennis court while four older men finished their game," says Kim, a former coworker. "They were taking their time, chatting and joking, and I could see that Frannie was getting madder and madder, tapping her foot and looking at her watch. Finally, she yelled at them, told them we had reserved the court and that if they didn't relinquish it immediately, she would call the club manager. She was completely out of line but smug afterward. She bragged that she'd put them in their place."

Women like Frannie take perverse pride in their sudden rages, says Russianoff." "Their forthright behavior feels like power," she says. "Anger creates the illusion of dealing with a problem from strength." After witnessing other similar incidents. Kim decided to back away from the friendship. "Being in public with her was just too embarrassing," she remembers. "If her grilled chicken came with mayo instead of mustard, she'd scream until a restaurant manager came out to placate her. If a driver cut her off in traffic, we'd go ten miles out of our way so she could get revenge."

One reason women sometimes confuse throwing temper tantrums with being assertive, says McGrath, is because they are worried about becoming "doormats," like their more traditional mothers. "Instead, they take a real `Screw you' approach," she says. "But it's toxic and deadly to do that. They end up dumping on someone else. And practically, it doesn't get them what they want."

True assertiveness is easy to distinguish from a temper tantrum, says Stromeier. "When you're assertive, you're now out of control. You use good communication, you have a goal you're trying to achieve, and you set the groundwork for realizing it. After a tantrum, the other person feels like she's been blown away."

CHANNEL THE ENERGY

There are, however, some advantages to a volatile personality. "Intense emotionality can be a major source of creativity and provide the motivation to pursue your dreams," says McGrath. "You don't want to get rid of all your volatility, because it can be an enormous source of energy and excitement. But you absolutely have to learn to channel it."

Lynn, a music director for a small women's college in Pennsylvania, has learned to redirect some of her admittedly tempestuous impulses into her work. Most of her students say she's a terrific, engaging teacher but warn newcomers about her temper. "People used to joke about my `artistic temperament,' and I would consider it a compliment," says Lynn. "Who wants to be boring? But by the time I hit thirty, I started to tire of all the upheaval in my life. I complained about not having a man, but when I counted up all the ones who had left after I had thrown one of my fits, I realized I was solely to blame."

Lynn still has emotional highs and lows "that would make Jekyll and Hyde look like Siskel and Ebert," she says, laughing. "When I find myself on the verge of losing it with someone a student, a lover, whomever - I get to my piano as soon as possible and bang out jazz riffs. I've created some fantastic arrangements that way."

For Lynn, the key was to find a productive outlet for her energy. Although it's not easy to summon such restraint when you're seething and eager to spew venom, the effort is well rewarded. "Managing anger and upset is a learned skill," says McGrath. "It's not something you'll know naturally if your family didn't teach you, Should you - can you learn it? Absolutely."

The first step, says McGrath, is simply to acknowledge your volatility. She suggests compiling a list of all the negative consequences of your tantrums pink slips, lovers' good-byes, family rifts. "Just looking at that list will sober anyone up," she says.

Then you need to devise a plan to follow when you feel a rush of negative emotion. Whether you count to ten punch a pillow, or sit in your car belting out an Aretha Franklin song, you need to release your excess emotion safely. The result? A more balanced, sane existence, fewer apologies, and a noticeable increase in popularity among friends and lovers.

After all, says Russianoff, it's difficult to like someone who's as predictable as a Texas twister. "Think of it this way," she points out. "How many short-tempered people do you really admire?"

IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO EXPLODE...

* Remove yourself (physically or mentally) from the situation. Count to ten, or give yourself an hour to cool down if necessary.

* Practice this mantra in calm moments: "Let me give that some thought, and I'll get back to you." When you feel yourself starting to loose control, recite it by rote. You'll buy yourself some time.

* Write about your anger instead of venting it. Be as violent and aggressive as you like on paper. The more improbable the fantasy, the more likely you are to see the humor in your rage.

* Get physical. Take a brisk walk, scrub the kitchen floor, climb on the StairMaster. Release your aggression with harmless violence - punch a pillow, draw a ridiculous picture of your boyfriend, kick a pile of leaves and pretend it's your boss's head.

* Call a trusted friend (don't overdo this, of course!) and ask if it's okay to vent for a while.

(*) In the interest of privacy, some names have been changed.

Mag.Coll.: 86C5608.