~~THE POETRY OF KATHERINE E. RABENAU~~
POEM FOR MY MOTHER AND FATHER - APRIL 25, 1991
I want to bury my parents' ashes
Quietly
In an un-grave
A sweetly flowering tree peacefully renewing the earth
I want sunshine and blue skies and butterflies
And maybe an angel or two
To sing a silent, magic song and hold my hand
I'd like some wildflowers -- yellows and purples
And maybe some blue as well
And a mild, gentle breeze to kiss my cheek
I'd like greenness and laughter,
Some children playing, maybe, to remind me there's renewal
And then I'd like a picnic
Full of laughing and remembering the happy times;
The sad ones too, but gently, with sunlight on them
And maybe we could sing a song or two or share a favorite poem.
These parents are my babies now
And I want to protect them from any more pain
Because their dying wasn't sweet.
Ten years coming, it was long and slow and hard,
Their dying one death, though two events,
My mother, slowly/quickly fading
Body and mind failing in a subtle and coordinated dance
My real Mom disappearing way back,
Spirited away somewhere, herself and not herself
Each sad replica dying in turn,
Replaced by a paler, sadder clone
My father holding on,
Clinging vainly to those rare, cruel flickerings of who she was once
Clinging too the false hope that he could somehow have her back
Trying to will her with the force of his love
Once more into the fierce, proud, vital soul she once had been
That struggle sometimes costing him the magic that was there
His eyes so focussed on a distant past
That he missed the sweeter moments of the now
Hard not to do it --
So confusing to have someone change so much, and not change, too
It must have broken his heart; finally did, really...
But what I want to say is:
Her illness had them both
It does, I think, with couples so close
It may be only one body dying, but the lives and souls are joined
And everybody's got the disease
That's why we grieve so hard,
Because our way of being in the world gets lost
We lose each other and we lose ourselves, too
But sometimes, also, we're re-born
And that's scary and joyful and sad
And it's always lonely, because it has to be
Even if you have the best company in the world,
Even if the Universe is giving it's all to push you from the womb,
Still, it's a different universe, even though it's the same
And it's hard to share it
And that's why I'd like to bury my parents ashes quietly
In an un-grave
Because living and dying, alive and dead
We gave and still give birth to each other
And that's a very private thing
It's pain and love and creation all mixed up
And it's awesome
And terrible
And wonderful
And holy
And I don't understand it, but I know it's true
I've lived their death and been reborn
Each and both
Life and death, vastly different but the same
A circle, whole, unbroken and eternal
And that's why I'd like to bury my parents' ashes
Quietly,
A sweetly flowering tree peacefully reminding me
That they're not gone.
WOE IS ME
Sometimes I am so tired of my journey
So tired of the terror that seems to own me
So tired of looking for the face of the enemy
And seeing only darkness
So tired of shaking and shaking
And gasping for breath
Of feeling like something is out there
Waiting to kill me
Not knowing who or what it is
Tired of having my body go rigid
My mind go numb
So tired of being so alone with it
Of wanting people to understand
Knowing that they can't
Because even I don't understand
Because I am ashamed
And at the same time proud
Of this secret courage
To have lived and loved and strived
With this horror ticking inside me
Ashamed that now it seems to have the upper hand
And I live exiled behind a force-field of power
That no one else can see or feel
Ashamed that I can't draw it's face
And cry, "See! See! There it is! Do you feel it?"
"Now do you understand?"
I am so tired of this war
Of this lonely existence fighting shadows
That are so real despite their lack of substance
That they leave me warn and drawn and lost
I want to give it all to you, God
I hereby do so, except I don't quite know how
But I give you my desire to give it to you
I give you my desire to be free
To live and laugh and let my soul come out to play
I ask your help, God,
Because I don't seem to be getting very far on my own
Or even with your help which I keep asking for
And which I even think I'm getting
But even so, God, I'm so damned tired
And even with all the help I get, I still feel so alone
So I give you also my tiredness and my loneliness
And my hope
I give you the dreams
Which are all locked up inside the cage of my fear
I want my dreams, God
I want to feel a sense of purpose
I want to be alive
I want to slay my fear
To let my rage fly out and strike the source
And not be held inside anymore, eating at me
I want to be able to feel it and let it be ok
Those bastards raped a baby, God,
A little girl who didn't understand
They did such things to me
And still I feel more bewildered than angry, God
Somehow, I still seem to think it was my fault, I guess
I don't know
I don't know why I can't get outside it
And put it's ugliness to rest, my pain to rest
I ask your help, God, because I'm tired
I've been working so hard
And still they won't give me up
Or maybe I won't give them up
I don't know
So I give them up to you, God,
Right here, right now
Please take them, God
Please take from me that which holds on
Because I think that if I let go, I won't exist anymore
Because maybe I think that's all I am
Or maybe because if I keep holding on
I can still pretend that it's not true,
That it didn't happen
I can pretend that my parents took care of me
That they loved me so much they'd have felt my pain
I can pretend I felt wanted and safe
And this is just an aberration,
A nightmare from which I'll soon wake up.
I give you my confusion, too, God.
I give you my illusions about my mother
I give you the needs I learned not to have
The feelings I put to death
I give you my loneliness, God
I give you my needs and wants and desires
And I ask you to give them back to me
To let me have them and live and breathe and feel them
I give you my denial, God
And I ask you to help me face the truth
There's probably more, God, but that's enough for now
I give you my heart, too. I think it's broken
Can you please fix it?
Thank you, God, for listening, if for nothing else.
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